Liverpool Preview

[Nuclearsox]

It came as a surprise to Nuclearsox when Glenn approached him in Blues Bar and asked him to collaborate with Scotty on a preview for the final, crucial game of the season at Anfield. It was surprising on 3 counts. Firstly he'd no idea who Glenn was, secondly he'd no idea who Scotty was and thirdly he'd never heard of Blues Bar. Still, he'd agreed to do it so he made his way to Blackburn Station to meet Scotty.

Although they'd never met, Sox had been given an excellent description of Scotty and, after an initial embarrassing episode where he'd introduced himself to the big-boned station cat by mistake, he spotted the real Garfield look-a-like disembarking from the 11.24 from Leeds.

"I thought you were getting the 9.05 from Manchester?" Enquired Nuclearsox after the initial introductions.

"It's a long story," replied Scotty. Sox decided not to pry further.

They took a taxi from outside the station and headed for Blackburn Rovers training ground at Brockhall. It wasn't easy getting into training ground. Due to the enormous status of the upcoming match, security was incredibly tight. Rovers had employed Group4 Security at considerable expense to ensure the players' concentration wasn't disturbed as they were put through their paces in preparation for the Premiership finale.

Scotty and Sox weren't going to be put off by the hordes of security guards patrolling the perimeter though and, whilst Sox counted the guards' paces and the patterns of their movement, scanning for a weak point, Scotty quickly formulated a plan to get them inside.

Leaping from the bushes and pointing towards the sky Scotty cried, "What the Hell is that?"

As the guards looked up in bewilderment, shielding their eyes from the sun, Scotty and Sox scampered through the gates and headed for the training pitches before the guards could notice.

As the intrepid match previewers reached the training pitches they were briefly stunned by the sight of their heroes warming up (although what The Proclaimers were doing there is anybody's guess) then they noticed the Rovers' players in groups not far away. Some were practising free kicks, some were practising shooting, some were playing keepy-uppy and Paul Warhurst was practising being carried of the field on a stretcher. Nothing was left to chance.

The best place to grab an interview, Scotty and Sox (The SAS) decided, was the keepy-uppy session so they muscled their way in. It was harder than it looked and Sox was relieved when Scotty shouted " 'Ave it!" and hammered the ball towards the changing rooms. While Sox trudged off to get the ball, Scotty managed to grab a few words with Jason Wilcox:

Scotty: Hello Jason. Are you nervous ahead of Sunday's game?

Jason: No that's just mud on my shorts from when I tripped over my bootlaces earlier.

Scotty: Why do they call you "handbag?"

Jason: That's something that's never been explained to me. I think it's either because women throw me on the floor in the nightclubs and dance around me or because I'm small, leathery, full of crap and appear to have no bottom.

Scotty: What's your favourite handbag?

Jason: I'm quite fond of a couple of Burberry ones I have. I'm, hoping to start a new trend.

Scotty: What do you shout at the Riverside when they have a go at you?

Jason: I just shout back the things they've shouted at me over the years but I don't wait until they have a go at me any more. I normally like to boo them as I run down the tunnel for the pre-match warm up. Then I'll shout "Oi! Bloke behind Nuclearsox! You're a useless streak of pigs, clear off!!" or "My granny can do better than that!"

The ball rolled through the doors of the changing rooms and Sox was about to follow it when he heard a strange noise, like the sound of a moped, emanating from within.

"Botbotbotbotbot," went the sound.

Cautiously Sox peered around the changing room door and was surprised to see goalkeeper Tim Flowers strapping on his gloves, transferring his weight from one foot to the other as he did so.

"botbotbot," mumbled Flowers to himself.

Sox saw the perfect opportunity to ask Flowers about the forthcoming game:

Sox: Hello Tim. Are you nervous ahead of Sunday's game?

Tim: Botbot BOTTLE!

Sox: Well, quite. You were terrific against Newcastle. Where did that performance come from?

Tim: Bottle.

Sox: You mean you'd been drinking!? How much did you have?

Tim: Bottle. Bottle. Bottle.

Sox: Really!? If I just have just one I'm under the table. Will you be preparing for the Liverpool game in the same way?

Tim: Bottle. Bottle.

Sox: Good. No sense in over-doing it. Can you explain how Colin Hendry has blond hair when the rest of his family are ginger?

Tim: Bottle.

Sox: I see. And can you tell me what milk comes in?

Tim: A cow!

Flowers gave Sox a quizzical look and made for the door. On reaching the door he looked back, gave the same quizzical look, tutted, shook his head and headed outside. Sox listened as the moped sound died away before picking up the ball and heading back to see who else was about.

In the meantime Scotty had managed to grab a few words with Alan Shearer and his wife Lainya:

Scotty: Hello Alan. Are you nervous ahead of Sunday's game?

Alan: Oh no, no I'm not nervous. I don't get nervous, me.

Lainya: You are nervous!

Alan: Aye, I'm a bit nervous but that's a good thing. Keeps you focused.

Scotty: You've scored some terrific goals again this season. Which was your favourite?

Alan: Definitely the goal against Newcastle. I had a lot of family and friends watching that day.

Lainya: Your favourite was your third against QPR.

Alan: Aye, the QPR one was my favourite.

Scotty: Congratulation on winning the PFA Player of the Year award. Your speech was a bit crap though. Did you write that yourself?

Alan: No, Lainya wrote it for me.

Lainya: You wrote it yourself.

Alan: Aye, I wrote it myself, aye.

Scotty: Doesn?t your pre-match meal of chicken and beans make you fart like a trooper?

Alan: No. I've an iron constitution. Nothing bothers me. I never fart like a trooper.

Lainya: It does make you fart like a trooper.

Alan: Aye, it makes me fart like a trooper but that's a good thing. Keeps the defenders away.

Scotty: If we do win the league this weekend, how will you celebrate?

Alan: I'll be going for a few pints of Geordie Juice and a curry with the lads.

Lainya: You'll be creosoting the fence.

Alan: Howay man Lainya! Ya cannae make us creosote wor fence when wiv just won tha teetle like!

Lainya: You'll be creosoting the fence.

Alan: Aye, I'll be creosoting the fence.

Spotting Nuclearsox emerging from the changing rooms he wandered over to compare notes. In truth it wasn't going as well as they'd hoped but they still had a few interviews they wanted to do so they wandered off in search of the managerial team:

Sox: Hello Kenny. Are you nervous ahead of Sunday's game?

Kenny: Nah winevarillysitworselenitargitsthaolitagitweeersetwaselistigeayabez. Nifyageayabezofninuthariwzalbigreetaunthas the way it's proven tae be.

Sox:

Scotty:

Sox: Ok. Erm Ray. Are you nervous ahead of Sunday's game?

Ray:

Scotty: Ray, Are you nervous ahead of Sunday's game?

Ray:

Sox: Ray?

Suddenly they both realised that Harford?s lips were in fact moving and they leaned closer to listen and just managed to make out what he said.

Ray: Yes, I'm a little bit nervous.

They thanked Dalglish and Harford and looked around for someone else to interview. Graeme Le Saux wasn't far away so they jogged over to talk to him.

Scotty: Hello Graeme. Are you nervous ahead of Sunday's game?

Graeme: Yes.... yes a little.

Scotty: Is it true that you always stop part way through a sentence and repeat the previous word?

Graeme: Yes, that's.... that's correct. I do....do stop part way through.....through a sentence and... And repeat the last word.

Scotty: That must make you infuriating to listen to?

Graeme: Well I.... I suppose it.... it does but.... but I was taught.... taught to do it in..... in anger management classes. If...... If I don't, I..... I lose my temper in...... in a fairly..... fairly catastrophic way.

Scotty: Interesting. Is it also true you're a raving woofter?

Graeme: That's.... that's completely.... completely untrue. Who.... who told you that?

Scotty: Yes, I thought that was a totally batty suggestion.

Graeme: Batty? The ******* little ****. He's my best mate too!! I'll ***** his ******* in his **** and ***** his ***** up his ****** the Yorkshire ******.

"Oops," said Scotty as Le Saux stormed off in search of David Batty.

"Never mind," said Sox. "It was just a misunderstanding. They're mature adults. It'll soon blow over. Let's see if we can find Chris Sutton. I want to ask him if the rumours about all his sexual partners since he came to the club are true."

"I haven't seen him anywhere," said Scotty, looking round.

"No, me neither," replied Sox.

"HAS ANYONE SEEN CHRIS SUTTON?" shouted Scotty.

Immediately all the players stopped what they were doing. They froze for a moment and looked around nervously at each other. Then, as they realized Sutty wasn't at training again, they simultaneously shouted the same four-letter word and sprinted for the changing rooms to call their partners on their new-fangled cellphone thingies. All except Paul Warhurst that is, who was frantically pointing towards the changing rooms and imploring the stretcher bearers to run faster.

As the last of the players squeezed in through the changing room doors, an uneasy hush descended over the training pitches. A ball of tumbleweed rolled silently past Scotty and Sox and they watched as it disappeared into the distance. A plane overhead cut a silent, white tear through the flawless, blue, silken sky. Then the peace was suddenly shattered as the players fought their way back out of the changing rooms waving their cellphones above their heads, desperately trying to get a signal.

"Shall we call it a day?" suggested Sox.

"Good idea," replied Scotty and they headed for the gates.

"It didn't really go as well as I'd hoped," Sox said as they squeezed back through the Group4 security guards, who were still looking skywards and pointing into the distance every now and again trying to catch a glimpse of what Scotty had seen earlier.

"No not really," agreed Scotty, "Still, all's well that ends well. If we win on Sunday who cares?"

As they clambered back into the taxi they vowed, if their paths ever crossed again, they would never do another match preview. Well, not for nine or ten years anyway, they agreed.

Edited May 11, 2005 by Nuclearsox

[Rovermatt]

I really don't know about this one. We could do it, or we could bottle it in spectacular style.

In my view, we'll have to win as United will easily beat West Ham.

If we are shattered in the last minute I have visions of myself collapsing in a heap on the living room floor, balling my eyes out. How has it come to this?

[Radagast]

Sox, that was the stuff of legends.

[Rovermatt]

Indeed...indeed it was...an excellent...excellent piece.

Edited May 11, 2005 by Rovermatt

[Glenn]

Genius ! Abolsute Genius !

Cheers Sox (and Scotty)

[T4E]

Sox: Hello Tim. Are you nervous ahead of Sunday's game?

Tim: Botbot BOTTLE!

Sox: Well, quite. You were terrific against Newcastle. Where did that performance come from?

Tim: Bottle.

Sox: You mean you'd been drinking!? How much did you have?

Tim: Bottle. Bottle. Bottle.

Sox: Really!? If I just have just one I'm under the table. Will you be preparing for the Liverpool game in the same way?

Tim: Bottle. Bottle.

Sox: Good. No sense in over-doing it. Can you explain how Colin Hendry has blond hair when the rest of his family are ginger?

Tim: Bottle.

Sox: I see. And can you tell me what milk comes in?

Tim: A cow!

Nice one guys.

[PABBY]

AWESOME (again)!! Well done the BRFCS SAS!!

I just hope Andy Cole is injured for Sunday, otherwise he'll get a season's worth of chances in one game against that leaky Hammers defence. The 'keeper's not bad though .....

[Alan75]

Anyone know if there are any Rovers shirts for sale, a load of Liverpool fans at work are after some.

[1864roverite]

I cant see Rovers getting anything other than a pure good old scouse welcome. Two sets of supporters shouting for the same team !

Rovers to bottle it at Anfield and still come away with a trophy unless the little scouse gits nick it !

Also fancy a dance on the anfield turf from the carlsberg stand if we win

[FourLaneBlue]

Nuclearsox and Scotty - you seem to be building up a collection of fine match previews. Keep up the good work, excellent stuff.

Er....whoops....forgot this was your first one...hope you continue posting mtach previews in the future...and er...so on...hmmm....

Edited May 12, 2005 by FourLaneBlue

[cn174]

SSHEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[roversWASmylife]

Come on Rovers.

We're getting nearer.

What's the West Ham score

[yawnsie]

2-1 Liverpool! Redknapp free kick...

We've lost it.

[all you need is duff]

Unbelivable stuff. Just got back now. "I'll say it once again, Blackburn Rovers are the Champions of England." The future's bright. A few influential signings such as Flitcroft and Holmes should make us a force to be reckoned with in Europe. What odds on us winning the Champions League?

[yawnsie]

What can I say? Ludek Miklosko should get a Championship medal for all those saves he made towards the end at Upton Park. And as for Andy Cole... makes you appreciate what a good forward pair we have in Shearer and Sutton. I hope Rovers never sign that donkey!

The future's looking bright for Rovers now - with Kenny masterminding our European campaign and the SAS scoring goals for years to come, we're set to become one of Europe's top clubs.