April Review

[bob fleming]

Are you still following this rubbish? If you’ve got through that first sentence then obviously you are. If you aren’t reading then why are you still here? There’s only two pictures to look at and they don’t mean a great deal unless you read the text. Go on, on your way. Clear off.

Welcome to April. The fourth month of the year. The last full month of the football season. So without further a do get on your dancing shoes, buckle up, strap yourself down, prepare to unleash hell, put your best foot forward and let’s take a look back at the month of April.

Good Friday 6 April. Bad news comes in. Robbie Savage’s broken leg has mended too well. Bizarrely it has mended too quickly and grown too fast. Savage is now six foot seven when he stands on his right leg. Rovers crack head medical team hope to cure the problem over the summer by making him walk around with sandpaper in his right shoe. See you next season then Roberto.

Also on this day I bought the monthly football magazine FourFourTwo. “So what?” I hear you cry. “We don’t care”. Fine, please yourselves. But there was an interview in there with Mark Hughes, the Blackburn Rovers manager, remember him? You interested now? It was a pretty good read. The one thing that jumped out at me was when he revealed how he got his nickname. When he was a kid his friends gave themselves nicknames after comics “There was a comic called Sparky. It rhymed with Mark, so I picked that.” Thereby revealing why Mark is unlikely to leave and become the next Poet Laureate. That just leaves us with Chelsea and Manchester United to worry about apparently.

Saturday 7 April. Blackburn Rovers 1 Aston Villa 2

Oh dear. Very poor. Very poor indeed. There was a lot of talk before the game that some players might have one eye on next weeks FA Cup Semi Final. That they might not give 100% in the fear of getting inured and miss the game. Everyone agreed that it was extremely important that the team remained focused on the task in front of them and banish all thoughts of “The Arch”.

3.05pm – “Wembley, Wembley, we’re the famous Blackburn Rovers and we’re going to Wembley” sang the Blackburn End. Ho hum….

The Arch: Are you going to tell them or me? Either way they can keep their so called “Arch” – for now.

Still, of course, there is no excuse for so many players to have such a bad day.

Benni McCarthy came off the bench to score a penalty to give us the lead. He then returned to the bench and was never seen again that afternoon. Patrick Burger equalised for the Vanillas and Agbon La Whore wrapped things up in the second half, taking advantage of a loose pass in midfield from David “Dunny” Dunn he rounded the defence and Big Bad Brad and the game was up.

Before I forget Big Bad Brad actually made a great save from the penalty spot when it was 1 – 1. That was the 35th penalty awarded against us this season. This time one of the Villa players smashed the ball at Ryan Nelsen’s arm from 7 millimetres away, leaving the referee with no option but to give a penalty; according to the laws of the game: -

FA Rule 218. Subsection B. iv. Should the ball strike the arm of a player wearing blue and white halves (commonly referred to as Blackburn Rovers), from any distance, despite there being no evidence of intent, then a penalty should be awarded. Don’t even think twice about it sunshine, just do it. (N.B. However, try and ensure that the offending player is inside his own penalty area as things could get a little difficult for us should the northern scum complain, you know what they’re like.)

We had chances to equalise. David “Dave” Bentley hit the bar but before he went for drinks he also saw his free kick come off the crossbar of the Blackburn End. Doctor Shabba Chris Hey Nonny Nonda Congo showed us that he probably won’t be here next season when he missed a free header from six yards.

And that was that. We remained in 10th but then slipped to 13th following the Bank Holiday Easter Monday games. We didn’t have a game as Spurs were busy getting knocked out of Europe.

Saturday 14 April. Big Bad Brad signs an extension to his contract, keeping him at the club until 2009. "I love this club. My agent is a money grabbing little swine so I did the deal myself. I had a nice chat over a cup of coffee with Williams The Chair" cracked on Brad. Brads cup of coffee can be seen Here

Sunday 15 April . Blackburn Rovers 1 Chelsea 2

Well the big day came and went. It’s well documented what happened, I’m sure most of you reading this went. What great news though everyone! Manchester United will play Chelsea in the Final! Wooo Hooo!!

We did ourselves proud, on and off the pitch. 23,000 odd Rovers made more noise than 70,000 plus “Mancs” do every other Sunday at Old Trafford anyway.

A quick recap then, Lampard scored again for The Rentmen, rounding The Admiral and finishing well. The second half was all ours and we deservedly equalised when Jason “Robbo” Roberts fired home from The Artists free kick. Then of course The Artist missed a header five minutes from the end. The entire world and his dog stopped what they were doing at that precise moment, and as one looked up at the sky and said “I don’t know what happened then but something terrible has just occurred, a great opportunity has just been lost for the good of man kind ”

Extra time came and just as penalties looked a certainty Herr Ballack scored the winner, efficiently placing the ball in the corner of the net but with a complete lack of any sense of humour.

So that was it. We missed out again at the Semi Final stage. We’re getting there though, we’re getting closer.

We set off to the tram station situated just past the cricket ground. You can call it sour grapes if you like (I don’t care to be honest, I can’t hear you) but did anyone else note the lack of jubilation, the complete lack of celebration and joy from the Chelsea fans? Maybe they were just being polite (!!?!... Nah, that can’t be it…) but I’m not sure I’d have been able to contain myself if we’d just reached the first FA Cup final at the new Wembley and a chance to see the Leaning Arch. In fact I’m darned sure I wouldn’t have been able to, I might not have gone over the top in terms of rubbing it in but I might have at least smiled.

Let’s get it straight, it’s complacency. It’s just another final for them, just another game against Manchester United. The “big four” are in real danger of boring each other and everyone else who follows football to death. All that success and yet miserable – can’t be much fun can it?

Tuesday 17 April. “Is there a clause?”

That old chestnut. The season hasn’t even finished yet and already one of the Red Top newspapers is reporting that our squad will break up over the summer. The Artist is off to Manchester United for £8million. If Carrick is worth £17m then I think they’d better make a revised offer.

Unfortunately Mark Hughes didn’t help the situation with his “come and get him” statement of "£8m wouldn’t buy his left leg". Clearly this sends out the message that although his left leg is worth more than £8m it could be available for slightly more, let’s pretend £9million. We’d probably throw in his other leg (the right I’d imagine) for another £9million, his body for less, say £3m and a couple of arms for £1 milllion a pop.

So that’s most of The Artist available for transfer at £23 million.

We’d keep his head though. That’ll slow him down a bit. We could put his head on one of the lads in the Under 12’s Academy team, after all everyone knows that you can’t beat having an old head on young shoulders.

Moving swiftly on…

Wednesday 18 April. Blackburn Rovers 3 Watford 1

Barely 16,000 turned up to watch this entertaining match. We’d left over 7,000 fans at Old Trafford. At last the reason for United’s ridiculously large crowds was explained. They just don’t let everyone leave. Clearly Old Trafford is footballs’ equivalent of Royston Vasey and Ferguson is Papa Lazarou.

Sir Alex Ferguson - “Hello Rovers’... You’re our fans now…”

Chris Samba scored the goal of the season after only 5 minutes, rising at the far post to meet a Dave Bentley corner. Good to see Dave on corner duty. Let’s be honest no amount of “neuro-linguistic programming” can prevent The Artist’s corners from being anything but crap. Anyway the big fella arrived at the back post and nodded home. I’m not one to show off *cough* but he did so at 28-1 and I’d had a fiver on him. That’s more or less paid for half my season ticket. What a nice fella that Chris Samba is!

Robbo scored his second in as many games, latching on to a Dave through ball and firing home past the gormless Ben Foster. Cricketer Ronnie Rinaldi then pulled one back with a header at the far post to send 7,500 Hatters fans wild, surely they were stopping up now?

Alas (for them) no, before the half was up we’d made it 3-1. “Ex-Arsenal player™” Dave again with the assist, sending a great cross in from the right for Benni Mac who finished with a great header into the bottom corner.

A quick word on the referee Chris Foy. Chris has now been disowned by his fellow professional referees as he failed to book any of our players during the match. Being disowned by them is no bad thing though surely and he may well have / could have won a huge amount of money via spread betting as he didn’t book any Watford players either. Nor did he send anyone off. There were plenty of instances where you’d expect to see a yellow card (especially at Ewood) but it never happened, in-particular when a Watford player tried to remove Robbo’s head with his elbow. Still, well done Chris!

The second half came and went, we could have scored more but the job was done. We went back up to 10th. Could we really make Europe again? Six points from 7th place with a game in hand (Spurs away, never easy of course (apart from when you win 4-0 on the final away match of the season).

Saturday 21 April . Fulham 1 Blackburn Rovers 1

Vinnie Montella opened the scoring for The Pensioners in this one. Scoring off his hand / knee / chest early on. From then on in though we battered them.

The enigma that is Benni McCarthy scored his 15th league goal of the season to draw us level after good work from Stephen Warlock. Jason “Robbo” Roberts could have had a few on another day. The Artist came close with a free kick. Benni hit the crossbar.

In fact the team missed a hat full of chances, or a sack full, whichever you prefer, (I’d imagine that you’d get more chances in a sack than a hat so let’s go with that. Has anyone actually seen a sack or a hat full of chances? Ever? I very much doubt it. “What’s that you have there my good man?”, “It’s my sack”; “May I enquire what’s in it kind sir?”, “It’s a sack full of chances”; “Really! Is it! May I take a look?” “No, sod off”.) and should have won the match quite easily.

So that was Europe more or less done for, we could still qualify via the Intertonto but that situation is far too complicated for now.

Friday 27 April . Reports come in that Tugay is very close to signing a new contract. Someone push his chair in.

Elsewhere West Ham United were found guilty of cheating by the Premier League who clamped down hard. Fining them a massive 18% of the additional money they’ll receive from next seasons television rights should they remain in the top flight. Strong stuff there and a firm message sent out; if you’re a football club from London then it’s OK to take the pish.

Saturday 28 April. Blackburn Rovers 4 Charlton Athletic 1

“Operation Ewood” as The Latics called it. 6,000 of them made their way to the other side of the world or “The North” as we call it, to cheer on The Attics in their battle against relegation. A bit of a wasted journey though wasn’t it?

They’re not very good. Any team that has Ben Thatcher in it is asking for trouble isn’t it? He was sent off again. Charlton ended up with just eight outfield players as they’d used all their subs and then another player had to go home early for his tea.

Anyway, we thrashed them in the first half 0 – 0.

Second half came and we took the lead through Robbo who smashed a shot at Carson who chucked the ball into the net as it hurt his hands. Stephen Warlock performed some black magic and headed a ball onto our own bar, Bent followed up and equalised. Further slap stick and high jinx followed, Herman Hreiderderarsarsderarssoson gave us the lead again finishing well after good work from The Artist.

Robbo scored his second after great work from the enema that is Benni Mac and The Artist, side footing home via Carson. Sir Matthew Derbyshire of Ewood scored a great goal to wrap things up, firing in from a tight angle and reminding everyone that the future, although not orange, is very bright indeed.

I’ll not mention that The Doctor really should have made it five but his lack of composure, again, did him no favours.

So that’s April done and dusted. Our Cup run came to an end but that day at Old Trafford will live long in the memory. Two wins and a defeat and our first draw in the league since November means we conclude April’s sordid business in 10th place. Again, we’re six points from that 7th place that would give us the front door route to the UEFA Cup, although we have a game in hand on most it's surely too late.

More realistically the back door to Europe is unlocked. If we can just avoid beating Spurs. We're bound to cock that up.

See you back here in three games time when all will have become clear.

[Eddie]

A good read as always

[dave birch]

Nice review, Bob.

Good shot of Andrew Symonds, the Aussie Cricketer, you managed to squeeze in there

[1864roverite]

Thats entertainment

[cletus]

Brilliant as ever Bob

[frosty]

Top read as always

[RoversFanUSA]

Good stuff sir, good stuff indeed! Also as a small foot note my grampa left me a HAT full of chances when he passed away....But sadly enough i've lost'um

[Fife Rover]

Excellent again Bob. I loved your blow by blow commentary on the Addicks match. Must say though I was a little surprised that you failed to point out that the Addicks actually won the game as they scored 4 goals and Rovers only scored 1.

Assuming that the game is won by the side whose players score the most goals. Oh, if only! I had this wonderful vision of Carson at one end and Brad at the other both throwing the ball into the back of their own net as fast as they could get their hands on it.

[joey_big_nose]

So that’s most of The Artist available for transfer at £23 million.

We’d keep his head though. That’ll slow him down a bit. We could put his head on one of the lads in the Under 12’s Academy team, after all everyone knows that you can’t beat having an old head on young shoulders.

Moving swiftly on…

'arf 'arf

[Antgrad]

Excellent, Bob. Especially FA Rule 218 which explains a lot!

[Finch]

I just love these and will miss them once the season is over.

personal favourites are....

the FA rule 218

FA Rule 218. Subsection B. iv. Should the ball strike the arm of a player wearing blue and white halves (commonly referred to as Blackburn Rovers), from any distance, despite there being no evidence of intent, then a penalty should be awarded. Don’t even think twice about it sunshine, just do it. (N.B. However, try and ensure that the offending player is inside his own penalty area as things could get a little difficult for us should the northern scum complain, you know what they’re like.)

The Artist's missed opportunity (even some of my Liverpool and Arsenal-supporting acquaintances were frustrated that didn't go in).

The Artist missed a header five minutes from the end. The entire world and his dog stopped what they were doing at that precise moment, and as one looked up at the sky and said “I don’t know what happened then but something terrible has just occurred, a great opportunity has just been lost for the good of man kind ”

And the brilliant ....

In fact the team missed a hat full of chances, or a sack full, whichever you prefer, (I’d imagine that you’d get more chances in a sack than a hat so let’s go with that. Has anyone actually seen a sack or a hat full of chances? Ever? I very much doubt it. “What’s that you have there my good man?”, “It’s my sack”; “May I enquire what’s in it kind sir?”, “It’s a sack full of chances”; “Really! Is it! May I take a look?” “No, sod off”.)

[Wolverine]

I totally agree Bob, the Chelsea fans looked very bored after the semi, indeed.

In fact I bored my family and friends by ranting about the fact that thier lack of celebration was harder to swallow than the defeat.

Good review again, though!

[brfc fan]

Really interesting, funny and RIGHT!

I think a club's fans can get bored of winning all the time but they didn't last night! Well Done Liverpool!

[Hypo-Luxa]

FA Rule 218 explains a fair bit. Thanks for illuminating that particular rule for us, Bobbo!

But again, well good review, mate. It is a shame that while you probably need it, we will be without a review for a few months over the summer...

[Presty On Tour]

tidy stuff again bob fella

[Ronin]

Quality as ever!