Newcastle United Preview

[speeeeeeedie]

Newcastle v. Rovers. St James’ Park, Newcastle; March 1st 2008, 3pm

This game sees the mighty Rovers travel to the hallowed North East to face a Newcastle team embroiled in more turmoil than Britney Spears*. This game should be a breath of fresh air to Rovers fans as we can witness how well our club is actually run, rather than how it could be. I’m not one for stats or previous results so I’m giving you my take on our opponents. Hopefully you agree with most of it. Summarising the whole history of this storied North East “success” story would be pointless, boring, and a waste of decent time that could be spent giggling at their misfortune. By giving a brief overview of how they arrived/started out as a laughing stock from different angles; the club itself, fans, managers, and players I hope you gain some insight into why they are a club in perpetual misery.

*(please edit and replace with Amy Winehouse or Deidre Barlow if she pops her clogs before kick off as a mark of respect).

Club

I could care less what happened to them prior to the formation of the Premier League as it involves too much work. Allegedly they won a Euro Cup in the 70’s but I’m not interested in that. The self styled “massive club” lore came into being when Kevin Keegan (more on him later) took over sometime in 1992 (dates aren’t that important). They were in the old 2nd division at the time and he managed to get them promoted in his first season. Since then they have been an ever present in the top English division winning nothing, spending oodles, and sacking managers with such regularity you’d think the directors liked it a little too much.

They’ve had a couple of high finishes, flirtations with the Champions League, and an outclassed Cup Final appearance or two but haven’t managed to actually win anything despite popular claims that they “deserve it”.

Fans

Apparently the most passionate in England. “Full houses every game”, “50,000 on the waiting list”. I’ve no idea if this is true, but if they fill the ground like they fill their pubs I wouldn’t be surprised if St James’ was packed every week. They are a daft bunch though. They always have a group of them at games sitting with their shirts off acting hard but looking pasty white and malnourished/fat, they like to leave early if their not 4-0 up, and there was that plonker who climbed on top of the roofless Darwen End when Royston Wegerle put them out of the FA cup. To be honest I’ve no gripe with the Geordies, they’ve always made me feel welcome and you’ve got to give them some sympathy for living at the ar$e end of England.

Managers

Over the years Newcastle’s owners (mainly the ones who got caught out by the Fake Sheik ragging everyone and everything attached to the club) have hired and fired with great skill. Since fat bloke in kit has taken over he’s carried on the tradition. Let’s have a look at who they’ve axed since 1992 for doing exactly the same as the last one:

Ossie Ardiles. The Argie lasted a year, and obviously never set the world on fire. Or was it a ploy by ownership to let him go free so he could turn Tottenham into the Southern Newcastle later on?

Kevin Keegan; Did well with lots of cash for a while but bottled it. I think he left rather than getting the boot, didn’t he?

King Kenny Dalglish; Got bored after he won the title with us. Didn’t do much footballing wise, but did sign his son.

Ruud Gullit; Now known for his soundbite “sexy football”. Had no chance in Geordieland - If anyone ever got the viral email showing pictures from a Stockholm and Newcastle nightclub you’ll understand why Gullit didn’t work; Geordie Lovelies. Plus he dropped Saint Shearer and called him crap.

Bobby Robson. The old fella lasted a while, but they got rid because he was too tired to shout.

Graeme Souness. Apparently brought in to instill the discipline that old man Robson couldn’t provide. We can’t laugh that much as this move saved Rovers’ Premier League status. They paid us compensation for him too.

Glenn Roeder. He was happy with the youth team, but they gave him the promotion anyway. Probably to set him up for a firing, but I think he walked on his own before they had the chance. It wasn’t hard though as it was the worst kept secret in football that the Bolton big head was taking over.

Sam Allardyce. Given 6 months to turn them into Bolton, he’s getting there even though he’s gone.

Kevin Keegan again. The 2nd coming. He’s not won one yet, and looks like a deer in headlights whenever anyone asks him a question. His previous employment before recall was his own soccer school for kids.

They’ve gone through 14 managers in 15 years, including the odd caretaker (Nigel Pearson anyone?). How that breeds consistency and continuity I’ll never know.

Players

In the era of agents Newcastle must be regarded as a very rich tooth fairy. It could be argued that the rest of the league is just now cottoning onto Newcastle’s policy of buy them expensive, watch them do nothing, then let them leave for a pittance. They’ve spent countless millions on dross like Lauren Robert, Albert Luque, Faustino Asprilla, Alan Smith, Nicky Butt, and Jailbird Joey Barton (please name more if you think of any). They’ve even made good players turn bad; Michael Owen now looks like the schoolboy he should have been at 16 and Damien Duff has forgotten what dribbling is. Something happens to them when they put on that striped shirt yet each year more new faces line up to go there, probably tempted by classy birds and exhorbitant salaries. Only Alan Shearer lived up to the hype. Every Rovers fan knows his history but how much better, how many more goals, and how many more trophies would he have won if he’d have signed for Man U instead?

Summary

Newcastle are a club in perpetual crisis. They are a club made for comedy. They’ve had so many slips on banana skins, custard pies to the faces, getting hit by ladders on the backside, and buckets of glitter thrown in their faces style jocularity over the years that I was surprised that fat bloke in kit bought them. They would be a far better investment for Gerry Cottle; he would make a fortune marketing them. I don’t know what they run out to but it should be that clown song everyone knows as it’s far more befitting than anything else they can muster.

As for a game preview; both teams will have 11 players on the pitch to start, not many of them English, and both will try to score in the other’s goal. Blah blah blah.

Prediction: I never give them as I’m no good but we really should win shouldn’t we? After reading most previews on here I expect most answers will be; “Rovers to nick this one”, “easy win”, “We need investment”, “McCarthy is sh!te”, and “I’ve always hated Andy Cole”.

More hilarity to finish. Newcastle centre half Steven Taylor’s comedy dive when he handballed it one game;

[krislu]

Newcastle are THE laughingstock of English football, and I fully expect us to win this one. Infact, anything but a win would be bloody awful from our point of veiw.

Rovers 4

Newcastle 2

[Nelsta]

Newcastle yet to win under Keegan.

Rovers have always been one's to be kind.

3-1 Newcastle.

[philipl]

Nelsta got it spot on.

This will be the one where the messianic Keegan surfaces and the second coming finally comes.

Goingto hate it hate it hate it but barcodes will win depressingly easily as we will fail to keep the early onslaught out.

[revolutionrock!]

2.0 to us.

Good god you lot are dull! 3.1 to them

[bob fleming]

Fans

Apparently the most passionate in England. “Full houses every game”, “50,000 on the waiting list”. I’ve no idea if this is true, but if they fill the ground like they fill their pubs I wouldn’t be surprised if St James’ was packed every week. ...... To be honest I’ve no gripe with the Geordies, they’ve always made me feel welcome and you’ve got to give them some sympathy for living at the ar$e end of England.

List of Average Attendances at St James

Despite their assertion that they have always averaged 50k, the years 1980/81 and 1981/82 stand out. (I vaguely remember going up there early 80's when there was no more than 12K on). The years 1990/91 and 1991/92 are also very surprising for such a hotbed of passionate football fans and the size of the catchment area. I can only think that there is an error with the web site.

1992/93 must have seen the return of "The Messiah" - Keegan - and the gates go through the roof, must be close to a sell out every season after that. Let's not forget that while we've been "punching above our weight" we've won a couple of trophies in that time, compared to Newcastle's zero. In fact the last time they won a domestic trophy was 1955. If only they could be us eh?

speeeeeeedie - nice preview fella but Newcastle is nowhere near burnley

We must have a chance of winning this one, Keegan's thinking of playing with defenders who don't know what they're doing isn't paying off at the moment. I'll say we'll win, an optimistic 3-1.

[Mike Graham]

Going to miss this one

the wife is taking me to New York for my Birthday

does anyone know of a good sports bar in NYC which will be showing it please?

[Tim Southampton Rover]

Going to miss this one

the wife is taking me to New York for my Birthday

does anyone know of a good sports bar in NYC which will be showing it please?

I don't know a bar you can visit but if you're that disappointed then I'll go instead if you like!

I think we will get a win with someone scoring with their hand....again

[revolutionrock!]

Think well win now after seeing todays game.

Pedersen looked good, Benny also.

That and how good/decent our away form is i think will see us through.

[sanlorenzo]

Going to miss this one

the wife is taking me to New York for my Birthday

does anyone know of a good sports bar in NYC which will be showing it please?

Nevada Smiths is the best football bar in the city. Check it out online.

[American Rover12]

Going to miss this one

the wife is taking me to New York for my Birthday

does anyone know of a good sports bar in NYC which will be showing it please?

FoxSoccer has it delayed at 4:30 and i don't think Setanta is showing it, so to see it live, No pub will be airing it. Click here for a link of all the registered clubs in and around the city that show FSC.

[jim mk2]

Nailed-on Newcastle win.

And obeying the immutable law of the ex, Shay Given to score the winner.

[RoyRover]

Kevin Keegan still hasn't won a game, Alan Smith hasn't scored in years, Newcastle are threatened by relegation and need a win. Good thing they are playing Rovers next! No doubt about it, Newcastle have this one sewn up.

[Ben-2000]

Lets hope the win against Bolton today is the start of a long unbeaten run... we are more than capable of beating this lot and think we will.

[joey_big_nose]

Newcastle are an absolute shambles but still, amazingly, have a lot of decent attacking players so for me its a bit up in the air. Also, crucially, they have quick forwards who we struggle with. This is precsely the sort of game we make a habit of losing....

[Saltysellars]

I'll be driving up to just south of Newcastle from Halifax quite early on Saturday, so anyone who wants to share petrol costs, just send me a message.

Cheers

[Rover4ever]

The press are already treating this game as a chance for "Hughes to show Newcastle why they were wrong not to sign him"

We should be refreshed after the recent break and the 4-1, but us being Blackburn, I can just foresee a loss. We had the "Hand of Paul" and the "Hand of Ped" victories in the last few years there, so it may be time for some retribution.....

[Presty On Tour]

i'm sorry but Faustino Asprilla was class in his day, i wouldn't call a hat-trick against Barcelona as "do nothing" either.

[b12_simon]

Going to miss this one

the wife is taking me to New York for my Birthday

does anyone know of a good sports bar in NYC which will be showing it please?

Check out A Salt and Battery (Google it) - a chippy run by a Rovers fan (my cousin).

On to the Newcastle game:

I went up to Villa Park the other week when these clowns were in town and laughed my ass off!

1st half they dominated the game, as if every single player had a yard of pace on his opponent. Even then they had a few attempts at gifting a goal to the home team.

2nd half was a total capitulation. Villa looked sharper, nicked a couple of early goals and the "best fans in the world" sat there like the JW Upper on a cold night.

I've been taking the wazz out of Geordie lodger mercilessly and relentlessly since Keegan arrived so, for me, this is a must-win game and I've no doubt that it will be.

Keegan's out of his depth and another week's training will probably sap whatever skill, desire and team spirit this comedy squad still possessed. Absolute toilet of a club - 3 points to the Rovers!

[joey_big_nose]

Thinking about this we do have a lot of pro's- the team is playing well and perhaps we can look forward to Dunn, Pedersen and McCarthy all having stong ends to the season. All of them did good shifts on Sunday and threaten to actually meet their potential. A firing front six of Cruz-McCarthy-Pedersen-Dunn-Reid-Bentley is a pretty potent attacking unit, although perhaps a little lightweight. Roberts has also looked like a great mpact player and Mokoena is around to shore things up.

We pretty much have one game a week now so it gives them all a good opportunity to find their rhythm and keep up the fitness levels. Another big one is Ooijer or Nelsen should return maybe. Either of them alongside Samba (provided Ryan has sorted out his injury) and we will be more solid at the back.

On top of that Keegan is one of the worst tactical managers to ever grace the Premiership. But we will still probably lose...

[speeeeeeedie]

speeeeeeedie - nice preview fella but Newcastle is nowhere near burnley

Thanks, I agree with Burnley but it's geographically far too close to Accy and Blackburn so I'd have to consider those wonderful areas.

i'm sorry but Faustino Asprilla was class in his day, i wouldn't call a hat-trick against Barcelona as "do nothing" either.

Presty, no doubting that he could play; he was ace for Parma but it seemed to go crap for him when he went to the abyss that is Newcastle. I reckon they'd have won the league if he hadn't have signed when he did.

Check out A Salt and Battery (Google it) - a chippy run by a Rovers fan (my cousin).

Really? I was in there the other week. Some bloke who was a spit of Badly Drawn Boy was serving, and they had a Mexican lad frying the chips. The place is about as big as a bus shelter and it was packed. No TV either.

Preston, there are a million places in NYC showing Fox Soccer, ask at the hotel or just wander into the nearest "Irish Bar".

[b12_simon]

Really? I was in there the other week. Some bloke who was a spit of Badly Drawn Boy was serving, and they had a Mexican lad frying the chips. The place is about as big as a bus shelter and it was packed. No TV either.

Ah. I meant just check it out - not watch the game there. My bad.

My cousin's the fella in the retro Rovers kit on their web site.

[waggy]

next saturday, the patron saint off football teams that are playing badly and desperate for a win rolls into newcastle.BLACKBURN ROVERS is the name of that team, a team who cannot win and desperatley need 3 points we usually oblige.ask charlton/watford/westspam.this season we have not been as generous,beating lotnob /derby/sunderland only coming unstuck at wigan were we scored our usual 3 but let in 5.and drawing with foolham were we robbed by the ref.so will we become the patron saint off poor football teams again in march

[b12_simon]

Never let it be said that Newcastle have won eff all

[benlloninho]

I don't like playing Newcastle simply because they are so unpredictable. They've been pretty terrible lately, but I still wouldn't put it passed us to lose this one. My only prediction - at least 4 goals will be scored.