[Archived] Break Ups, Grieving Etc

[tcj_jones]

I know this is a bit of a depressing subject which those 'cooler' members will probably laugh at and look down upon, but I needed to vent somewhere. I was also hoping for some advice.

Many might remember that I started a topic on depression. Those who do will probably realize that I'm relatively gutsy when it coms to talking about these things and won't give a ###### what those who aren't understanding might think. I don't want to hear what those people have to say.

I split with my girlfiend more than a year ago now, yet I still find coping with the loss incredibly difficult. I'm only 22 , we were together two and a half years, we weren't married and she didn't die but, considering the circumstances of our split, I still find her loss unbelievably hard to take. I honestly don't mean to upset certain members of the board when I say this, but I honestly feel as though I could haver taken the death of a family member better than this. I consider it a genuine grievance.

The last year has seen me fail my degree, take three overdoeses and lose many friends. Every part of my being has been dedicated to getting over my ex. I've struggled with sleep problems and have been plagued by painful dreams. They've seemed so real and have been so intense that it has taken me hours, sometimes days to forget. I smell something, I see a photograph, I go somwhere that reminds me of her and I fall to pieces. The first thing I think is how soon can I get hold of some alcohol and how drunk can I get.

I've managed to turn my life around in many respects. I am a far more rational person, I am far more stable. I have lost 37lbs and have a lot more confidence in myself. I enjoy life a lot more than I used to and I have done everything in my power to become the best person I possibly can be.

However, the pain is still so bad. I feel as though I will never feel the same about anybody again and that I will never be able to get somebody as good as her.

My girlfiend left me out of the blue without ever properly explaining her reasons. She never let me gain any closure and wouldn't let me say the things I wanted to, despite my best attempts to do so. I have never been especially close with my family and have only ever truly loved one person in my life. For the first year of our relationship I regularly dreamt of her dying in my arms, I used to imagine the most unbearable situations where she would leave me or be killed.

This is all very disjointed, but I really needed to vent somewhere in front of people who do not know me.

I need to move on, I need to learn to cope and I need to stop these dreams. Is there anybody out there with smilar experiences who can give me some advice?

Thank you.

[LeChuck]

I'm sorry I can't offer you any advice tcj, I'm sure there are others on here who can though.

Without wishing to be patronising, I have utmost respect for you for being so honest and open about it. I think it's to your credit that it never shows in any of your posts on here, ever...you're consistently one of the most reasonable and articulate guys on here.

Like I said, I'm sorry I can't offer anything more than, but I hope you manage to find some peace soon...and if BRFCS can help, all the better.

[rebelmswar]

Dude I know the last person you want to hear from right now is me, but...

I went to boot camp in 98 and had a good nice girlfriend that I though would be mine forever, she wrote me letters and sent pictures through the whole time.

I graduated and went to A school to learn about engines so I would be ready to go to the fleet. I finally got permission to make a phone call and called her with it (of course), she seemed strange and wouldnt give me anything but one word answers. She dumped me on that phone call.

I was heart broken and felt just like you had described, I thought that she was the only girl that I would ever need, I prayed to God nightly that she would come back to me.

She never did and for that I thank God for unanswered prayers.

I met my wife when I was shipping out to the Yugoslavia war and we hit it off, we new each other two months and we were engaged. I have been married to her for 7 years now and have never been sent to the couch.

What I am saying is that the raw pain will never leave and you will compare her to every girl you meet, but she wasn't THE one mate.

Find solace in your friends for now and she will find you or you will her.

Chin up my friend.

[joey_big_nose]

The main thing I think is that you have to build up an image of yourself that does not depend on her, where she is, beyond some fond and distant memories, just not part of who you are.

That was then, this now, look all of the parts of your life which you are proud of yourself and feel good about yourself which she was not and is not a part fo, focus on them. From these take the strength to feel that you can overcome those parts of your life you are less satisfied.

It's part of the paradox of thinking really. It's hard to think you are an intelligent, powerful, nice, admirable person without having the proof for it. But it is impossible to be intelligent, powerful, nice and desirable without thinkign you are those things in the first instance without evidence. A chicken and the egg thing.

So you just need to, without real fundamental evidence or proof, just believe that you are better off without her. And slowly that is what will take over the way you think. THe brain is a funny device. I'm not saying lying to yourself or anything, but rather redirect yout focus on all the ways you are better off. And at some point you will think of yourself as better off.

You might know this already but realising this is how the mind works - that it is not completey dependent on what has happend, on events, but rather is shaped by what and how you think - has made me get over many things.

Hope that helps a little bit.

[tcj_jones]

Rebelmswar, why on earth would you be the last person I would want to hear from? In the first instance, you are one of the most entertaining members of the board, one of the bets contributors of the four years or so that I've been a member.

Secondly, the story you've told is exactly what I want to hear. Right now I have so much uncertainty in my life. I'm appraoching adulthood and I know that I will never be with a young person again, I also know that it could be years before I meet somebody else and that it might be years before I feel I can be with somebody else. I jsut want to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and that all the good that I have done the last year will benefit me in some way.

LeChuck, thank you for the kind sentiments, yourself, T4E, Cheeky Sidders, Wolverine and Ozzie Jones, amongst others, are board members I would happily buy a drink for and have a chat with.

Joey, I totally understand what you say, it is the logical manner in which I have thought for years. However, when going through something as difficult as this, it is easier said than done. No mater how positively I think, it will be undone by something. I thin of a way in which I am better off and link that to something I loved about her.

[Tris]

Remember your own advice -

Any kind of physical activity releases endorphins. Distance running and jogging for prolonged periods puts a hell of a lot of pressure on the joints. It feels great to really push yourself, but it can cause a lot of injury related problems.

I would suggest cycling - you still get the same outdoor feeling (I much prefer sports out doors) and the chance of injury is far more remote. Also, I'd suggest joining a 5-a-side football team or something. Goals do a great weekly competition at locations all over the country. You also get to be part of a team and might meet some friends. Most importantly, whatever you do, don't push yourself through injury, no matter how much you want to. Something that might mean a couple of weeks out might turn into a two months lay off.

I see that you're 20 years old. Are you at uni / college / between jobs / unemployed etc? As a student, and being a similar age, possibly the best thing I have done in the last eighteen months to help with my depression has been to get into a regular pattern, getting up the same time no matter what. It's hard to explain, but routine helps so, so much.

It's also really good to have a feeling of purpose to your life, especially if you are out of work. It could be forcing yourself into working hard at University, or even something like researching Blackburn Rovers history or writing a book or something.

Every time you are feeling low, give a friend or family member a ring, meet up, go down the pub, watch a film. Just that company can make a huge difference.

Hope that's helpful.

Don't continue with this line of action -

The first thing I think is how soon can I get hold of some alcohol and how drunk can I get.

And most importantly - you've been big enough to talk openly about how you feel on a football messageboard. Don't ever hesitate to look for help when you need it - Samaritans, helplines, this forum or pm / email / whatever ... ask, talk, share and you'll be fine.

More posts in this topic than on Nicko's thread since you started it. People want to help you - so ask.

[tcj_jones]

Thank you Tris, re-reading your own comments really does help sometimes! Unfortunately, however, I have been out for five months with two pulled hamstrings and a buggered back and there is no end in site to these injury problems

Re Samaritans: you'd think this would be a great first port of call, but you'd be surprised. The same goes for people who are supposed to counsel. Even though they are trained to respond to all circumstances, the person on the other end of the line isn't always as understanding or as helpful as you might think. Talking to somebody about something as 'trivial' as a split at the young age of 22 is daunting because you think they might not consider it especially significant. All to often these people confirm your doubts.

At university they offer a counselling service, but sometimes the people I have spoken to have been utterly unappraochable and not at all understanding.

[thenodrog]

Alcohol is a depressant and will actually make you feel worse.

The best cure as rebelmswar found out is to write this one off and find another woman. I've known loads of mates who've gone through all this angst. If you cannot find one that you really rate than safety in numbers is the best option. Ask a few out even platonically and you'll be amazed how better you'll feel 'dating' again and how the experience 'straightens you up'.

Problem with you imo is that I think you dont want to let go and rather like wallowing in your self pity and showing everybody how miserable and hurt you are.

I sound harsh but I dont mean to be harsh.... just realistic.

[American]

I go somwhere that reminds me of her ....

I've always found laughter (going back to the endorphins thing) helps me most.

Don't mean to be insensitive, but when I saw that line, I thought of Naked Gun:

[Mc Love]

hey tcj....did you break it off with her? If so, you must have done it for a reason( not feeling the love/relationship/or it wasnt going anywhere)

In no way am I the most experienced relationship person, nor would i say anyone on here is. But you made the decision as did i this, although i was only with the girl a few months, i didnt see going anywhere and even though she was heartbroken and truth be told, i was fair depressed for a few weeks, i just had to keep my head held high.

Its the only way my friend and on occasions i have reached for the bottle when i felt sorry for myself(former panic attackee) but the thing is mate....establish daily/weekly/monthly/yearly goals....and look forward to them. Get out, get involved with sport etc.

I look forward to the weekend for example(when i aint working ) because i can go out with my mates and get polluted.

Look forward to playing rugby, i look forward to going to see rovers in October....i think you get the idea.

Doesnt matter how small the event...just looking forward to something and getting exercise at least three times a week, will stop you feeling depressed and eventually over your ex.

Anymore help just ask

[neekoy]

Dude,

I don't really know how to say this in an entirely sensitive way but at one point or another you need to assess what is important in your life i.e yourself (at this point int time, kids will come later) and give yourself a hard mental slap upside the head.

No amount of therapy or talking to other people is going to assist you with this

I know because a close friend of mine was heavily addicted to drugs, years of counselling, family support, beers, support as far as the eye could see.

Nothing changed. Not only was he killing himself everyone else felt hopeless for not being able to get his to wake up.

You know though, one day BANG. Within 3 months he was completely clean, now has a uni degree, wife and three beautiful kids.

Self realisation of the destructive path he was taking in life got his ###### together.

You don't need advice because in you OP you have already identified the problem, now you need to get on fixing it.

Is this chick really worth throwing your life away? REALLY?

[bob fleming]

...and that I will never be able to get somebody as good as her.

My girlfiend left me out of the blue without ever properly explaining her reasons. She never let me gain any closure and wouldn't let me say the things I wanted to, despite my best attempts to do so.

Fella. Again I'm no expert on this sort of thing but just have a re-read of what you put there (above).

So let's recap, you went out with her for 2.5 years and then she left you without an explanation? Not being funny but that's not very good of her is it? Bang out of order if you ask me. In my eyes you've had a lucky escape if this is the sort of thing she could do.

And that's how I think you should look at it - she's that good that she couldn't even be bothered to break up nicely.

"I will never be able to get somebody as good as her" - I think you can tcj. The vast majority of the next 30 or so you go out with (hey! that's a good number!) will treat you better than that. (You get my point I hope!)

Does that help? Probably not. But like the others who have posted we give a damn.

[Rovermatt]

Christ, I'm really sorry to hear about this. It's very brave of you to put your experiences on here of all places though I'm not really sure which board members would find your problems funny or risible.

All through seven years of grammar school there was only one girl for me. She was beautiful, funny, elegant, classy (depressingly these aspects have heightened as she has gotten older) and, when it came down to it, a raging bitch of a woman - a fault plain to anyone not infatuated with her. In my last year at school she let me think I had a real chance with her - even though, naively, I figured my feelings for her were hidden save for the people I had expressed myself too. They weren't. Despicably (and inexplicably), her attitude towards me turned, out of the blue, leading up to the A-level exams and basically we've not been on good terms since. While the vast majority of my friends opted to stay in NI for university, she buggered off to Edinburgh and cut off all communication. She wouldn't reply to my e-mails, phone calls or texts, she bailed on a number of meet-ups in the holidays. I eventually gave up trying or caring but as a consequence I spent the entire first year of uni mooning over some girl who clearly didn't give a flying one about me. She had for seven years wormed her way deep down inside me and I was unable to get closure of any kind. She's now living in Newcastle and has started a relationship with the David Beckham identikit, on-off boyfriend I despised from our early school days. I met her a few months ago by chance at a concert and it wasn't a pleasant experience.

Clearly the circumstances are not on the same scale, I would never presume to claim they were. However I'm well aware of the feelings that one particular girl can bring out in you, and the pain that their sudden disappearance can illicit.

[Nelsta]

When it comes to relationship's ending i've had my fair share.

1st girlfriend, I was with her for nearly 2 years.We'd planned to get engaged..Then bang outta the blue she tells me she's pregnant..wait for it....To her husband.I was so blinded i didnt realise or know that she was married.That was the last i heard from her, I've been told since that the child is the spit of me.

2nd girlfiend, Was with her for 6 years.She had a 6 month old boy when i got with her, Then we got Engaged and had a baby of our own, a little girl.Then She(girlfriend) was unfortunatly killed in a motor accident.

3rd girlfriend, With her 1 an a half years.All going really well then(i made a thread on it) Decides she aint as happy as she was and wants a break, we've been on this break now 3 months.It was hard at first but now i'm going out with my mates more and learning to enjoy it again.

Look i know this is very cliched and will probably go in one ear and out of the other, But trust me time is the healer.

Also try living for you.I know in your current condition .i.e. Knackerd back n legs make this hard.

If goin a day without thinking about her is hard, then try an hour at a time.

Also i know everytime you think of her you will only think of the good things she did and the good aspects of her personality.You have to try no matter how hard to think of the bad things she did and concentrate on them.

You have to think of her in the New order/Joy Division way of thinking about Ian Curtis

"Ian Curtis was a Tw*t, Because he ruined our american tour"

Getting over somebody is hard, no matter what anyone say's it is something everyone must go through.

Everyone deals with it different, But the one thing that is consistant is that time does heal.

We're all here for you if ever you need a chat or just to vent.

[broadsword]

You need to find something to fill your life, and your thoughts with, rather than pining over this girl who just legged it.

She's going out with her mates mini-skirt, no knickers, raving it up on the town. And you're going to stay in and listen to Joy Division, nah ... f*** that! You should be doing the same! (Although perhaps not the mini-skirt and no knickers thing).

Jeez, wish I was 22 again, I'd be going out raving it up. All the things I know now that I could know then. One of which is: "Don't let a bird get you down, they're only mental." But you can't go back, only forward, so stop killing yourself over the past and make the future better than yesterday. If you have that, you have every reason to smile.

Life's too short to waste on people who don't care about you, especially if they're not in your life any more.

Read "My Legendary Girlfriend", I think it's written by Mike Gayle, I think it would help you.

Day 1 of teh rest of your life, what are you going to do to make it better? Every morning when you wake up, you should think: "What can I do today to make my life better?" If you do that every day for a year, a year down the line you'll be a new man.

Don't waste your life on nutty birds.

[thenodrog]

Jeez, wish I was 22 again, I'd be going out raving it up.

Sadly that sort of thing happens no longer in Blackburn Bryan..... and the demise of any sort of social activity is more depressing than any bloody woman.

[Ozz]

T-the break up should be looked on as a bereavement, and accept that it will never leave you, if it was it would have by now. I suffered a bereavement (or three ) lately, and although at times you can laugh and joke about it, it never ever leaves you. And will come back to you when you least expect it or want it to. Accept that it will do this, and you are half way there. Wishing it to go away makes it worse, in my experience. Let me know if you need any more guff!

[Mc Love]

x

[Rovermatt]

Same thing happened me in college...for two years, until she basically told me where to go and with drink involved...it was in a nightclub. I wanted an explanation, lets just say it split the group we hung out with and didnt end pretty, with a half brawl/bawl in the club!!

Classy. Were you going out with this girl?

I never managed to get an explanation of any kind. What's most galling is that she has a whole new circle of friends who no doubt think she's great when in actual fact she's no more than a cold bitch. After seeing her those months ago at a concert (in my university's student union) for what was a very awkward, cool exchange I put a notice on my Facebook reading 'Matthew reckons the students union may now need exorcised, though getting the Pope to do it may be tricky'. Within hours she had cut me from her list. Women eh?

One of my best friends, who is ten times the girl Satan's slut will ever be, put it to me years ago: 'What did you actually have in common? What would talk about if she were sitting here now?' The answer is very little.

Women eh?

[Mc Love]

Classy. Were you going out with this girl?

Funnily enough, no!

One of my best friends, who is ten times the girl Satan's slut will ever be, put it to me years ago: 'What did you actually have in common? What would talk about if she were sitting here now?' The answer is very little.

Women eh?

We are lucky you and I.....same thing my best said to me...we both hate her guts now

[Rovermatt]

She was Limerick girl was she...? Must have been a heart-breaker.

[SAS]

It`s really sad to hear of your experience TC jones, and im surprised its lasted so long for you, but you must have really loved this girl.

I recently came out of a 18month relationship in which my ex couldnt keep her knickers on infront of another guy, and i took that really really bad. I was crying constantly for a good 3-4 days. At work and with mates and everything.

The hurt lasted two weeks, then i decided, I need to let go of this. So i went out with all my mates, pulled a few stinkers, didnt remember most of night and woke up the following morning looking forward to the future.

Unfortunatly i met a girl 2 days later hahaha

I`ve also been depressed over a injury i have had, this time last year i was convinced I would end up in a wheelchair. And everytime I saw someone in a wheelchair, i just broke down, because I didnt want to lose everything that I enjoy most such as playing football and running. I turned to booze a lot and it just made me worse.

So I just went to the GP`s, see specialists, have tests done, and made sure I did what they said, And I`m ok now

Hopefully things will get a lot better for you, you just have to look forward to tomorrow and not back at yesterday

[sijoco]

tcl - really feel for ya fella, can't be easy expressing those feelings especially on a testosterone fueled website About 3 years back l was told by my wife she was having an affair with my best mate - sheah, it's not just in the red tops you hear about it !!! She's still with him. My kids are living with them. Trust me it does get easier, l didn't think it would at the time, end of the world and all that but to quote a well used phrase "time is a great healer".

Like SAS says you've just gotta look forward.

Keep yer chin up tcl

[American]

I recently came out of a 18month relationship in which my ex couldnt keep her knickers on infront of another guy

Got her number?

[T4E]