[Archived] Loony Toons: Newcastle Preview

[Beta Ray Bill]

First off, I can’t for definite remember if I’m meant to be doing this preview. I think I am but if I’m not, then please accept my apologies and hopefully a kind Mod will merge with the proper one.

EDUCATING THE FOOTBALL MASSES – LESSON #2,189 : NEWCASTLE UNITED

SIZE OF THE CLUB

According to the 2001 census, the population of the wider Newcastle-Gateshead area is approximately 800,000. According to some Newcastle supporters, St James’ Park regularly hosts 8,000,000 and the fan base is approximately 80,000,000. This mathematical curiosity is sometimes known as the “Burn-Brum Conundrum” whereby all apparent logic goes out the window to allow for some really BIG numbers.

SUCCESS OF THE CLUB

Newcastle United has a proud tradition of winning the FA Cup, having done so 3 times in the last 8 years. Unfortunately for the followers of the club, that statement was written on 21st September 1958 and fell through a space-time wormhole to end up in this match preview on 21st September 2008. Despite the total lack of success in any competition since the 50s (with the honourable exception of the Fairs Cup - the predecessor of the UEFA Cup for you young’uns - in 1969 and the glorious Inter-Toto victory in 2006), Newcastle are seen by many supporters as being a top team. This delusional state of mind is medically termed in Latin as Magpius Talkingus Shiteius .

SEATING AT THE CLUB

Being a ground designed to host a home fan base of more than the population of the entire United Kingdom, plus room for all of Belgium, Azerbaijan and Malta, it is perhaps unsurprising that away fans are marginalised. Although the seating provision has seemingly moved from the corner of the Sir John Hall Stand to a more central position in the same stand, the view is unlikely to be different.

Away fans view of St James’ Park (close up)

MANAGEMENT OF THE CLUB

There isn’t any. Although they do currently have a caretaker in charge; next up is a dinner lady and a lollypop man.

OWNERSHIP OF THE CLUB

There isn’t any – or rather there isn’t any that a Typical Toon Fan would want. Current owner, Mike Ashley would probably come a second in a ballot with Laura Ashley if fans could vote.

It could be curtains for Mike

THIS SEASON AT THE CLUB

It’s not been good for the Toon Army. After a decent start with draw at Old Trafford, and then beating Bolton, successive defeats to Arsenal, Hull and West Ham see the club on 4 points from 5 games. They are currently 19th in the league. (That’s 3 less points than Rovers and 9 places below for those who think we’ve had it bad.)

THE VIEW OF A SENSIBLE FAN OF THE CLUB

The following interview took place with a season ticket holder at Newcastle prior to the defeat at West Ham. To protect him from ridicule for supporting the club, he has asked to be identified as ‘Artlepool Mag.

Newcastle are in a little bit of turmoil at the moment, what do you think the underlying problems are?

Ashley didn't appear to carry out due diligence before he bought the club and it's costing him more than he expected. He's trying to balance the books by bringing in new talent on the cheap and selling the likes of James Milner for profit. He doesn't appear to have shared these plans with Kevin Keegan and he doesn't appear to have given King Kev the final say in transfer dealings as was promised.

With a void at managerial level, who do you want in charge and possibly more importantly, who do you'll think you'll end up with?

I was really surprised when KK came back to the club in January and I wasn't sure that it was the right move. In time, he proved that he could bring back entertaining football and he found a new role for Michael Owen which was beginning to pay dividends so I would now like to have him back to continue what he started. Only a change of owner will bring that about and I can't see Ashley selling up quickly. We'll probably end up with Danny Wilson from Hartlepool Utd.

And what of Paul Ince as a possibility?

Paul who?

How satisfied are you with the onfield performances so far this season?

We put in a great performance against Man Ure in the first game of the season and followed it up with an entertaining win against Bolton. Jonas Gutierrez had exceptional games and was an instant success with the Toon Army; Danny Guthrie and Coloccini also looked like good buys. It all fell apart when we met Arsenal at the Emirates but they were on superb form and any Premiership team would have struggled on the day - at least we only lost 3-0! The Hull City game at 'Sid' James Park was a disaster waiting to happen; the Mags started off brightly with the crowd behind them but it was obvious that the off field events were taking their toll on the players. I wasn't surprised that we lost but I was sickened and ashamed by Danny Guthrie's tackle on Craig Fagan.

What would you hope to achieve this season?

At the beginning of the season I fancied a top 7 position and perhaps an outside chance of UEFA Cup football. Following recent events, avoiding relegation is our best bet.

You've not got the greatest record against Rovers at St James' Park in recent years, having lost 4 out of the last 5, what do you think will be the outcome this time?

I think we have a really good chance of seeing a 3-3 draw. Blackburn have already conceded 11 goals this season since they changed their keeper.

And in light of losing two of those games by fairly obvious handballs, what likelihood of it happening again?

Hopefully the referee will get it right this time... third time lucky.

It's difficult to discuss Newcastle-Rovers without mentioning Shearer. There is little doubt he is one of the greatest players ever and yet he has only one piece of silverware from his time at Rovers and nothing (bar two FA cup finals) at Newcastle. When you think of some of the very limited talents that have won numerous medals just by being at United or Arsenal, do you think he regrets his career being Southampton-Rovers-Newcastle?

I'm fiercely proud of Shearer because he could easily have gone to Man Ure and with him they would possibly have won even more trophies than they did. Instead, he chose his hometown club and although he never won any trophies he wore his shirt with pride, remained true to his roots and became a true Geordie legend. I don't think that he regrets anything about his career.

PREDICTION FOR THE RESULT AT THE CLUB

If Owen is fit, it’ll be a draw. If he isn’t, Rovers will win.

[1864roverite]

Its the classic Rovers scenario again.

Away fixture on the back of a win to a club that is in more turmoil than ourselves !

The reality of it is this, Rovers will lose.

Michael Owen to sink Rovers 0-3

[Wiggy]

I'm fiercely proud of Shearer because he could easily have gone to Man Ure and with him they would possibly have won even more trophies than they did. Instead, he chose his hometown club and although he never won any trophies he wore his shirt with pride, remained true to his roots and became a true Geordie legend. I don't think that he regrets anything about his career.

PREDICTION FOR THE RESULT AT THE CLUB

If Owen is fit, it’ll be a draw. If he isn’t, Rovers will win.

I'm sick of hearing this myth. Shearer wanted to go to Manchester United. Jack finally agreed to let him leave Ewood as long as he didn't go to Man Utd. This was well known at the time and confirmed by Henning Berg when he finally joined Utd.

[Billy Castell]

Crisis clubs always beat us. Owen will score 6 goals. And then get injured for 6 months.

[McClarky]

Although we were better after the subs yesterday I can see us going in with the same X1, play it tight, wait until they implode and then throw Derbs and Carlos on to win 2-0. Easy as that.

[American Rover12]

I LOLed a few times at this Very nice.

[Paul]

Nice preview BRB. Given all the background, Newcastle in turmoil, happy hunting ground for Rovers etc we should win this one with relative ease..................now we all know what that means. Anyway I reckon we'll do well and get a 2-0 or 2-1 win giving us 10 points from 6 games which would be a very acceptable start to the season

[AussieinUk]

Nice review - thanks

Have to agree with the sentiments of a few, that have posted already... Rovers to lose 1-3

We never seem to win against clubs in turmoil.

I hope PI doesn't start with the same line-up that was, against Fulham. Personally, I would like a 1-4-1-3-2 formation

Robbo

Simpson

Ooijer

Samba

Warnock

Axe

Emerton

Mr Pineapple (if he is fit enough to start the match)

Gamst

Derbs

RSC

Subs; Bunn, Nelsen, Zurab, Treacy, Tugay, Roberts, Safa Sulker

Out; Olssen, Vogel, Reid, Andrews, Fowler

Injured; Grella, Dunn

[Beta Ray Bill]

I've now received a 2nd interview reply, but as I can't edit the original post, here it is. Thanks to "Graeme" (again protecting the innocent) for this reply, that again demonstrates some Toons aren't Loons.

Newcastle are in a little bit of turmoil at the moment, what do you think the underlying problems are?

I wish I knew.... I would have to say that we seem to live out every issue that goes on in the club in the full media glare (some of it inaccurate and unwarranted). I had high hopes with Ashley at the start but his absolute lack of communication with fans/ media and the uncertainty that has generated has been the downfall of the man - we should not be surprised he appears to run his businesses the same way....! I was not certain about the appointment of Keegan at the time - but hindsight is a great thing I suppose. Overall I would love communication from the club to improve - some of the business plan that Ashley revealed after he said he would quit makes sense - why had this not been clearly communicated before it got to the fans demonstrating/ boycotting merchandise etc??

With a void at managerial level, who do you want in charge and possibly more importantly, who do you'll think you'll end up with?

I may be in the minority of Newcastle fans but not the return of Keegan (though it wouldn't surprise me if that is what happens). We missed the chance to get Martin O' Neill in the past but I think he is up there in terms of being able to get a team pulled together and playing some good football - he would be my choice but he isn't going to leave a nice comfortable club like Villa with a decent owner to take on the Toon........is he?

And what of Paul Ince as a possibility?

No thanks we had one of your ex managers before............

How satisfied are you with the onfield performances so far this season?

Early days ( a lot on injuries already) so a bit mixed so far - good at Man Utd - normal service at Arsenal, forget the Hull game that was inevitable in the circumstances - next few games vital as we need to not slip backwards during the current turmoil.

What would you hope to achieve this season?

The same as Rovers - mid table obscurity!

You've not got the greatest record against Rovers at St James' Park in recent years, having lost 4 out of the last 5, what do you think will be the outcome this time?

1-0 Newcastle with Damien Duff punching the ball in from the edge of the box in the 90th Minute

And in light of losing two of those games by fairly obvious handballs, what likelihood of it happening again?

Lets hope that the balance can be addressed in the Toons favour - I recall both of those games and we could see both the handballs from Level 7 in the Milburn stand........ In some ways though the Gamst Pederson one proved to have a silver lining with it helping to hasten the departure of Souness!

It's difficult to discuss Newcastle-Rovers without mentioning Shearer. There is little doubt he is one of the greatest players ever and yet he has only one piece of silverwear from his time at Rovers and nothing (bar two FA cup finals) at Newcastle. When you think of some of the very limited talents that have won numerous medals just by being at United or Arsenal, do you think he regrets his career being Southampton-Rovers-Newcastle?

I doubt if he regrets a career that has seen him earn his fortune, become the premier leagues all time greatest goalscorer, become Newcastle Uniteds all time record goalscorer, captain his country and absolutely he will have been delighted to win the League with Rovers. His love for Newcastle ( like mine) can appear misguided to some but for Big Al you only had to witness the joy he expressed every time he banged the ball in to know he was a happy man - its his home and that was clearly important to him......... a Legend!!

[philipl]

Great preview Beta Ray Bill.

To your interviewee Graeme, which three from Gordon Lee, Richard Dinnis, Kenny Dalglish and Graeme Souness had he forgotten about when answering the Paul Ince question? Anyway, the papers today have Ashley now lining up Dalglish as the latest return of the living dead and selling out to a Nigerian who has so far scraped £350m together.

We really ought to win this one but the mid-week LC games could have a big bearing in terms of respective morales and injury lists.

[Billy Castell]

Toon owned by a Nigerian? It would be typical of them for him to be in charge of one of those e-mail scams that say 'I have £30m to deposit. Can I use your account?'. As for Dalglish at the toon, brilliant. As much as I love him, he is probably not in the loop with players, tactics, how agents act etc. because of his lengthy timeout on the golf course.

Still think we'll get walloped.

[tcj_jones]

Really great preview there! Without a manager, I'd normally expect a win, but Rovers are pretty hard to predict these days. I'm going to go with a 1- 1 draw.

[T4E]

Hehe, that raised a few smiles. Nice job Ed

[RibbleValleyRover]

Time for Derbyshire to get a run in the team? He looks hungry for it.

[1864roverite]

They have had a few ex Rovers managers.

Lee = FAILED

Smith = FAILED

King Kenny = FAILED

Souness = FAILED

Common denominator = NUFC the POISONED CHALICE as all were relatively successful before raking the helm.

[92er]

They have had a few ex Rovers managers.

Lee = FAILED

Smith = FAILED

King Kenny = FAILED

Souness = FAILED

Common denominator = NUFC the POISONED CHALICE as all were relatively successful before raking the helm.

Plus-didn't Dinnis put in a stint as well?

Although it wasn't surprising what happened to him.

[Plastic Head]

Judge should get a game.

[philipl]

Judge should get a game.

He is out injured I believe.

Only Ooijer of the recent casualty list is recovered and he is in line for a start against Everton apparently.

Forgot that Jim Smith had a stint up there as well- 5 ex-Rovers managed the barcodes in the past 30 years; no wonder Ince is in the frame- it's obviously a Geordie nervous twitch to pick our boss!

[Oklahoma]

Great preview. The introduction is perfect. lol

I don't mind if Ince puts the same 11, the players need time to work together and get used to their new positions.

We can win 1-0, Derby scoring again.

[savage8]

A great read, thanks.

Good stuff from the Mags too..

0-0

Derbs RSC and Robbo to start !

[Blackpool_Rover]

Excellent preview there, thanks.

Il go for 2-1 Newcastle. Thats not being negative and i think we have a better team but im worried about the mentality of our players going into this one. They could be in for s shock.

[novella]

With their best defender (Steven Taylor) with his mind on a big money move. if we get the wings right this week and get some good crosses into the box. Santa Cruz could have a field day. I think derbyshire should get 45 or 40 minutes. He thrives on tired defenses. We have a game midweek, but newcastle have just as tough opponents midweek.

[joey_big_nose]

Newcastle are just a bunch of mentalists. Big support, good players, lots of money, good media profile. However because the fans are such a fickle set of underminers they shoot themselves in the foot every time. Huge upheaval is followed by under achievement (as all the new players get to know each other) which is followed by another huge upheaval. It is an endless cycle.

Spurs are in the same boat, as were Man City but they seem to have sorted things for a bit anyway. You also feel if any one of the big four fell out of the CL places (could be forced to happen by Man City) then they would join this same merry bunch. It took 2 relegations for the West Ham fans to measure their expectations. And, after 3 successful years under Hughes it seems Rovers fans are also forgetting that, alongside the Welshman's brilliance, this club stayed afloat by being sensible and stable. Booing players like Andrews is the complete antithesis to this!

Long term stability is key to success, these fellas at Newcastle do not seem to see that. They see the big money buys equalling immediate success. Not how it works. The equation is money + stability + good management = success. I'm happy it is like that though because as a result Rovers will always have a chance to compete.

There is not much point in saying much about this until after the Carling cup game. I wonder how Ince will use Carlos? It must be tempting to start him against Everton, but then we would like to have him available of the Toon, and there seems to be real questions over his fitness? Maybe jus the last 30 mins of each game?

[Dreyski]

It is imperative that we keep Owen marked out of the game; if we do this, I can see us winning 2-0 with verve and invention (RSC and Derbs). If Owen is allowed to run riot round our defence, the opposite scoreline will be the result (and Newcastle are a club in crisis, of course).

[MCMC1875]

No sign of Paddy Toon Toon this season?