[Archived] Relationships

[tcj_jones]

This is a pretty selfish thread, like most that I start these days, but I hope that you guys are still as caring as always and able to give me some good advice. This thread will seem like something of a broken record, 'poor Trev, still moping about like normal'. Unfortunately, sometimes it is extremely difficult to get out of a rut that consumes you.

My girlfriend of two and a half years left me about eighteen months ago now. I've seen her twice since: once in April of last year, and once tonight. Since she left me, I've matured more than my years would ever suggest, I've lost a whole lot of weight - some 45lbs now - and, for the first time in ages, I feel hugely confident in my own ability; I will get a first in my degree, I will get into insurance and I WILL succeed in that profession.

But none of this seems to have any effect on my overall happiness. Everything I value, I value secondary to being with somebody. My ex treated me disgustingly, the thought of it makes the bile in my throat rise into my mouth. No matter what I might have done, to break up with somebody you've been with for so long without ever giving him an opportunity to get any 'closure' and to not even try to help him in his grieving and the 'moving on' process is utterly disgusting, it makes me feel sick; red faced, fist clenched angry.

Today, not for the first time, I had to watch as the person I loved more than my friends, my best friend - my own flesh and blood - quite brutally evade eye contact. She wouldn't even look at me. Certain people react to situations in different ways. I can honestly say that I would have dealt with losing my own family better than losing my girlfriend. She was everything to me.

Since seeing my ex a good six hours ago now, I haven't been able to sit or stand still. I can't take it, I just cannot take it. I want to kick doors in, punch through my windows, fight anybody who rubs me up the wrong way. I cannot take this, I just cannot take it. Knowing that this is not a fresh wound, that we broke up eigthteen months ago now, can somebody please give me some reassuarance that this will work out OK; some fairytale story or, otherwise, some advice on how to deal with huger and immediate emotional trauma.

I have a lot of red wine and a lot of sleeping pills, but I know that neither will help me tomorrow.

[Sandiway Blue]

Sorry to hear about your relationship breaking up.I have been with my wife for exactly 17 years today and tbh I don`t know what i would do without her.

I am a big believer in fate and what will be will be etc.I know it`s hard to accept but it sounds like you and your ex just weren`t meant to be together.I think the best way you can go about this is to say sod her it`s her loss! Have you got lots of mates?If so my advice would be to go out and enjoy yourself and socialise,let people see the best of your character and who knows,maybe you might end up with the right girl taking notice of you!

Letting the situation get to you will only end up building your rage even more,then it gets to the point where you end up doing something silly that you will regret.I have yet to see a situation where anger and violence solves anything.

Good luck and I hope everything works out for you but as the saying goes,time is the healer of all wounds,just have a little patience and see what happens.

[Rovermatt]

Though I've never experienced anything approaching the rage your describing, I can certainly understand it. If you had behaved in a similar fashion you would have been painted as a pariah yet somehow it seems to be more acceptable for women to act in such a brutal manner.

There's a girl from school that I STILL haven't got over fully. For the guts of six years she was all I thought about before p*ssing off to Edinburgh for her degree and never speaking to me again. I can certainly empathise with the anger and irritation that is caused when such things happen. I would be quite friendly with a guy who went out with a girl for years during and after uni. She was almost perfect, so much so that he and I developed very cold relations as I had intended to ask her out and it was basically through me and another mate that he had met her. About 18 months ago she dropped him like a hot potato and immediately started up a very serious relationship with another bloke who had been circling her for months, made worse by the fact that said replacement had been in the year ahead of us in school and is a total prick. My friend was in a very bad way for very long time and is only now starting to cheer up. That said said he will insist on leaving a bar or club if he even suspects she's in the same building. My feelings towards her changed also. For ages I envied him, yet now I have little to no respect for her and I almost feel angry that she would treat another human like that.

You're clearly at a very low ebb so take solace in the fact that things can only get better. It's easy to say but in the cold light of day you should realise that you're clearly better off without her. How can you respect somebody who treated you (and continues to treat you) with such disdain? Do you really want to be associated with such a person? You seem to have a lot going for you. Try and concentrate on the positive aspects of your life and be thankful that you are no longer with a woman who has so little regard for you. Do you really want her back now, considering what you know?

[Billy Castell]

Women crap on you on every occaision, so go gay. Or hire prossies.

[1864roverite]

Thats a good one Billy C, being where you are I am surprised that you didnt suggest mounting a sheep or a cow (or do they only do that in Accrington ?).

There is no advice you can give on this one.

If she avoids you she is embarassed at herself,probably a lack of respect for herself more than you.

You quite clearly have ambition in your life, so let it flow. Go with your instinct and although you may never forgive her there will always be a shining light that will move you on.

If I was you, I would forget her completely.

Do what you wanted to do a few years/months ago, such as take a holiday or a break. Come back and start afresh.

There are plenty of fish in the sea so the sayign goes.

[colin]

Women crap on you on every occaision, so go gay. Or hire prossies.

Are you speaking from personal experiance on this subject?

[gumboots]

Stop looking. Relationships happen when you haven't really got time for them. So get on with getting that first, that job, feeling good about your health and fitness and doing all the adventurous things you wouldn't have time for if you had a girlfriend. You'll find then that it happens for you. At least that's what I keep telling my kids. I met my husband in our first week at Uni, married him at the end of our first year and we're still married 35 years later, so what do I know about rejection. what I do know however, is that I went to Uni expecting to do all kinds of things but not to find a husband. Things happen in their own time and not in yours.

[Blue n White Rover]

Being a Rovers fan on top of all that! I thought I had it tough. Bet Ince isn't no top of your Valentines Day list.

[DE.]

It's strange, I've never really had a relationship where I've felt that strongly about the other person.

I've had 4 proper relationships - when I do enter one it's usually always for the long term. Each of my serious gf's since I was 16 have lasted over a year, one just over 2 years. I'm not the sort of person who needs to be in a relationship, I'm very happy on my own and value my independence greatly. I never want to have to rely on somebody else to be happy. I guess in a way I'm a little selfish... I often begrudged giving up my personal time to see my partner though I always made an effort to make the girl feel like she was the most special person in the world when I was with her. Usually because if I go out with a girl it's because I care for her quite a lot, and am with her for more reasons that her being hot, or just needing to get into a relationship. I know so many people who gripe about their partners and are blatantly in a relationship purely just to ensure they aren't single... it's kinda sad. Also... some of the girls my more desperate mates have bedded... including one right now, I'd honestly rather be single. One friend in particular is so desperate he's sleeping with a whale of a girl who regularly wears a Liverpool shirt, downs pints like water, and for all intents and purposes looks like a male darts player. Her personality is rotten, too. It amazes me the depths people will go to just to be in a relationship.

Anyhow, I'm quite an emotionally detached person. Really, really laid back. It's difficult to make me angry, and I've never felt rage over a relationship. Irritation and frustration, perhaps, but never rage. Probably because I don't get myself into situations where I could get enraged over somebody. Every break-up I've had has been mutual and I'm still friends with the girls, though I tend not to talk with them as much, obviously. The only time I've felt bad is after ending my longest relationship, which was a bit over 2 years... we just argued really badly, and stopped speaking to each other entirely. Cut off, just like that. It was weird, and even though I never felt any rage or profound sadness over it... it bugged me for a while, and I guess it still does.

I'm only 22, so maybe things will change as I get older, but for now I'm very happy with my life. Been single since August, but very much into a beautiful girl in Manchester who seems perfect for me. Time will tell on that - I'm in no rush. OP, all I can say is keep your chin up fella. We seem opposites in how we gain happiness (you value being with somebody above all else, whilst i'm the exact opposite) so I'm not going to say I understand your situation, but I sympathise with what you're going through. I had a friend nearly take his life over a girl, I certainly know how low stuff like that can take a person. Better girls will come along, and hopefully you'll meet one who will, in time, erode the bad feelings you have towards your ex and move on.

[Sandiway Blue]

Stop looking. Relationships happen when you haven't really got time for them. So get on with getting that first, that job, feeling good about your health and fitness and doing all the adventurous things you wouldn't have time for if you had a girlfriend. You'll find then that it happens for you. At least that's what I keep telling my kids. I met my husband in our first week at Uni, married him at the end of our first year and we're still married 35 years later, so what do I know about rejection. what I do know however, is that I went to Uni expecting to do all kinds of things but not to find a husband. Things happen in their own time and not in yours.

Very good point.

At the time I met my wife,I was working behind the bar of my mum and dad`s pub and quite happily enjoying life as a single 21 year old lad.Then I saw one Catherine Alice Towers sat at the bar,slightly drunk but not too drunk as she didn`t know what she was doing.Me being the gentleman that I am I wasn`t going to let her walk home on her own so I offered to give her a lift,and the rest as they say is history.

I started work that night not looking for a girlfriend at all,but at the end it became the start of a wonderful relationship that is still going strong after 17 years(with a lot more to come hopefully!).

So it goes to show there is someone for everyone and that someone might come along when you least expect it.

[thenodrog]

Stop wallowing in self pity. This sort of theing happens to everyone, everywhere. It's painful but it's an important part of the growing up process. In adversity we triumph.

On the one hand you have used it as a motivational tool which is admirable (cos if I rem correctly you damnned well needed to!) but on the other you are still wallowing in self pity and you are seeking everyone to recognise this and admire you whilst turning her into some sort of Devil woman.

I tell you what tcj I bet she doesn't regret splitting up with you one bit but regrets ever meeting you and hooking up with you in the first place. Your chances of ever getting back together are nil imo. You really should have met someone else by now and if you had I'd wager that

a. you would be over the first one.

and / or

b. she (first one) might just be wondering if she'd done the right thing. The biter bit here is that in this scenario you two might get back together and you'd drop the new girl like a hot potato and upset her as you were upset. Twas ever thus.

Anyway why do you feel the need to air your grievances and wallow in self pity on a public football forum? I find that decidedly odd. It's like 7UP. Here's looking forward to your next update in 18 months time.

Here is something you need to use as a comparison as you attempt to contemplate the depth of your grief ...... http://www.brfcs.co.uk/mb/index.php?s=&amp...st&p=719304

[bellamy11]

Anyway why do you feel the need to air your grievances and wallow in self pity on a public football forum? I find that decidedly odd. It's like 7UP. Here's looking forward to your next update in 18 months time.

Here is something you need to use as a comparison as you attempt to contemplate the depth of your grief ...... http://www.brfcs.co.uk/mb/index.php?s=&amp...st&p=719304

Is it really so different from you partaking in discussions about Islam, or other people talking about geese and swans? The answer is surely because it's a community of real people, and a source of information and help. It has been mentioned a few times that this place is supposed to be an extention of the pub. Is this not the kind of thing that people would talk about there?

Actually, considering your views on grown men crying, perhaps sadness in relationships is not something that is spoken about in your local?

[dave birch]

Save up, see the world. Travel.

You'll end up with more friends than you can shake a stick at, all in a similar situation to yourself, and many of them will be mates for life.

[Mc Love]

Women, oh how they love to waste our time!

[thenodrog]

Actually, considering your views on grown men crying, perhaps sadness in relationships is not something that is spoken about in your local?

Correct.... that sort of stuff's for hair dressing salons bellamy.

Feni eh? So what do you think the locals at the Fieldens / Bee Hive would make of it? It's tough but it happens every day to someone or other.

Don't tell me that you're one of these blokes that are following the pouffy southern craze of greeting other fells'a with a peck on both cheeks? Whatever, this experience is turning tcj into an adult, is part of the learning curve and ultimately improving his life. He's well on the way to a good career but if the woman in question hadn't potted him he'd still be spending days on end playing Vice City or similar from his bed. He will shake his head in later life when he reflects on this period.

[Rovermatt]

he'd still be spending days on end playing Vice City or similar from his bed.

F***in' A, that sounds ace.

[tcj_jones]

Stop wallowing in self pity. This sort of theing happens to everyone, everywhere. It's painful but it's an important part of the growing up process. In adversity we triumph.

On the one hand you have used it as a motivational tool which is admirable (cos if I rem correctly you damnned well needed to!) but on the other you are still wallowing in self pity and you are seeking everyone to recognise this and admire you whilst turning her into some sort of Devil woman.

I tell you what tcj I bet she doesn't regret splitting up with you one bit but regrets ever meeting you and hooking up with you in the first place. Your chances of ever getting back together are nil imo. You really should have met someone else by now and if you had I'd wager that

a. you would be over the first one.

and / or

b. she (first one) might just be wondering if she'd done the right thing. The biter bit here is that in this scenario you two might get back together and you'd drop the new girl like a hot potato and upset her as you were upset. Twas ever thus.

Anyway why do you feel the need to air your grievances and wallow in self pity on a public football forum? I find that decidedly odd. It's like 7UP. Here's looking forward to your next update in 18 months time.

Here is something you need to use as a comparison as you attempt to contemplate the depth of your grief ...... http://www.brfcs.co.uk/mb/index.php?s=&amp...st&p=719304

I'll start with your last point, Theno. I can understand why writing these sort of things on a public forum might come across as strange, perhaps it is rather an odd thing to do. Likewise, it would appear as though I am wallowing in self-pity, I'd be the first to admit that I am. But in response to this, I'd like to say that the moment I leave the house each morning, I try to make sure that whatever I am feeling and whatever has gone on will not effect the success I have in life or influence in any way any other relationships that I might have.

Nobody likes somebody who is forever moping around. I stand upright, stick my chest out, make sure my uni work is done and then ensure that nobody can catch me unstuck in class. I keep a smile on my face and try to be as outgoing and as friendly as possible. However, this doesn't mean that I'm not unbelievably cut up about things. My friends never usually know that anything is wrong with me, until it builds up and suddenly explodes. It isn't a particularly healthy way to do with things, I am aware, but it is how I have grown up dealing with things. When I was younger, I didn't have th great array of friends to talk to about these kind of things, while my dad, apparently very much like yourself, is somewhat emotionally defunct.

Not that you'd have ever gone through counselling or any form of psychiatry, because you probably consider it some 'nancy' rubbish, but one of the great things about it is that you can talk to somebody you don't know and they will listen and give you every sympathy you need. Likewise, in my life there are very few people who have been through such a protracted break up as mine or have really experienced one that wasn't on mutual terms. For these reasons, the board can be a great source of comfort. Unfortunately, I usually go about posting on here in a sensational way because I have usually been drinking. I rarely drink alone, but sometimes it helps vent. Usually I'm in absolute control and never let things boil over.

I know that these things happen to all people in all walks of life, I know that it is part of the growing experience. It may not seem like it, but I'm glad that this happened to me. Something can always be gleaned from the worst possible experiences. I've learnt a hell of a lot and grown a lot as a person. However, there's only one person I really feel close to in my life and that is my best friend back here, we have been friends for 17 years now. However, with the way my parents divorced when I was a kid and because of my Dad's closed off personal nature, I've never been that close to many people. I loved, relied and depended on my girlfriend more than anybody I ever have, she was more to me than anybody else. It might be difficult for such a manly, man - such as yourself - to understand that because, no doubt, your woman (or man?) probably stands three paces behind you and is rarely spoken to.

Linking me to Sambo's post is pretty low, a bit unnecessary and very disrespectful to him and his father (RIP). I read that thread and felt deeply for him. I didn't post, because I don't think I have a whole lot to offer. While I appreciate people's sentiments on this thread, I feel almost as if it isn't my place to offer my condolences to somebody that I have never really conversed with. I thought I'd leave it to the others on this board. I hate it, HATE it when people say things like 'you think you've got it bad, you should have a think about x person'. How on earth do you think that is going to help? I'm not going to suddenly think 'wait, you have got a point, my problems aren't so bad' and just start being fine with everything?

After breaking up with my girlfriend, I found it extremely difficult to even function. We're talking about being overwhelmed at the smallest of things, crippling migraines and painful dreams about her almost three or four nights a week (which actually went on for about six months and which I still have now every few days). Waking up every morning thinking your girlfriend is there, and she isn't is agonising. Some people seem to think of breaking up with a partner as a simple parting of ways and just another normal thing that you 'get over'. The reality of it is that it is a grievance, and you learn to cope in the same way.

Seeing the person you loved evade even looking at you as she goes about her happy life is possibly the worst pain I've ever experienced, and probably the worst I ever will. That experience the other night made me feel sick and start to sweat. I couldn't stop shaking for a long time afterwards. Since, I haven't slept properly, have had more painful dreams, haven't been able to concentrate on my work and I've been unbelievably stressed and up-tight. I'll get back on with my life though, don't you worry.

"I tell you what tcj I bet she doesn't regret splitting up with you one bit but regrets ever meeting you and hooking up with you in the first place. Your chances of ever getting back together are nil imo."

If your character is anything like it comes across on here, then I'd imagine that you are a very unpleasant man to be around. This is clear antagonism and ###### hurts, no matter who it comes from. This very question is what still goes around in my head and what torments me now. The only thing worse than losing her is the fact that I don't know how she even feels about me now, she could regret ever meeting me for all I know, because she's never properly spoken to me about anything. Again, I doubt a man like you would understand that. Oh, and I think I know that my chances of getting back together with her are nil, I thought that that was obvious, but thanks for letting me know your opinion.

As for the, I should be in a relationship by now bit... Wow, the depth of your emotion, or lack of is quite astonishing. You seem to view the most personal of things in practical ways. Did you ever read Charles Dickens' Hard Times or E. M. Forster's Howard's End? Both books deal with the raising of children in a utilitarian manner, and this kind of an upbringing having a disatrous impact on their future lives. Not being in tune with your emotional side is a hindrance, Gordon, not something beneficial. I don't know whether you have kids or not, but I'd like to think they are raised in a manner whereby they are allowed to express their emotions and confide in their father, to live their life without the threat of a slipper being taken to their backside.

The last thing I would like to say is, don't ever presume things about my character. I, for one, would never treat a new girlfriend in the manner that I have been treated. I wouldn't ditch her for an ex. Possibly the biggest reason I am not with anybody else right now is because I am waiting for somebody that I know I really like and who I will not have second thoughts over. I'm a confident, successful good-looking guy, so eventually that will happen. In the meantime, I hope that the far nicer majority of the people on this board will be able to help me through harder times.

To the others reading this thread, I am sorry for the sensational content and for coming on here once again, it is something of a broken record now, perhaps a bit odd and I can understand people becoming annoyed by my rablings. But thanks to those who have posted, I take on board everything that is said.

[Rovermatt]

Good post. I'm not sure you were presuming to tell us that your grief was in some way more pronounced than that of another board member.

In spite of all that you've posted I don't think you've really said how you now feel about this girl. Aside from your anger at the situation, how are you viewing her? If I were in your situation, hatred would be the first thing to consume me.

[T4E]

Anyway why do you feel the need to air your grievances and wallow in self pity on a public football forum? I find that decidedly odd. It's like 7UP. Here's looking forward to your next update in 18 months time.

Here is something you need to use as a comparison as you attempt to contemplate the depth of your grief ...... http://www.brfcs.co.uk/mb/index.php?s=&amp...st&p=719304

Flamin' eck Gordon.

Not cool.

[tcj_jones]

Good post.

Thanks Matt

I'm not sure you were presuming to tell us that your grief was in some way more pronounced than that of another board member.

Sorry, I'm genuinely not sure what you mean here.

I wouldn't presume to compare my grief to that of Sambo's, or anybody else, but I do feel that grief can be felt in a number of ways and that shouldn't be compared in the context of the supposed magnitude of an event. Different people are affected by different things in different ways.

In spite of all that you've posted I don't think you've really said how you now feel about this girl. Aside from your anger at the situation, how are you viewing her? If I were in your situation, hatred would be the first thing to consume me.

The truth is, I don't actually know. I loved this girl so, so much and I miss her so, so much. She is absolutely stunning. Despite considering myself a pretty good-looking guy, she was a mile out of my league in this respect. She was my perfect 'type', and if you'd seen some of the professional photos she'd had done, you'd be amazed that she wasn't a model or something. While I was with her, I thought that she was one of the nicest, most considerate people in the world, one of the best people you'd meet. However, if somebody upset her or got on her wrong side, she wouldn't be nasty to them, but she would show her colder side and be, well, quiet and cold to them.

In two and a half years you go through a lot with a person, you enter a kind of contract and an understanding whereby you know that, if you ever break up, you have that responsibility to your other half to make it as easy a process as you possibly can and try to help them get through it as much as possible. What I cannot understand is that she could dump me, never tell me the exact reasons and then never let me get a proper chance to get any closure, before cutting me out of her life completely. I know she probably did that because it was the easiest way for her to get on with her life, but that isn't the way you should go about things. She ignored all my attempts at contact - letters, calls, texts etc. All I asked was that she let me know that she had received them and not thrown them away. She didn't even show me that courtesy. Going through the torment of not knowing how she felt about things, about me, the exact reasons she left me etc has tormented me ever since, and still does.

On the one hand, I hate her for the disgusting way that she acted. You do not treat anybody like that, especially the person you supposedly love. But, on the other, I couldn't possibly hate somebody I loved so much. I wouldn't say I love her, but I am still incredibly attached, despite seeing her only twice in eighteen months. I think about her every single day, all day. She never leaves my mind, everything I experience, I relate to her. I kno that she is a good person really, but I will never understand the way she acted. I can understand why she might leave me, but not the way she went about it. You spend so much time with a person, you think you know everything about them, but I could never have seen the calculated, cold, brutal side that she has displayed since we split.

I'd love to sit down with her and talk about things, but that will never be possible because of her stubbornness. In any case, she has a new boyfriend - who she knew while we were together, who had asked her out in the past and who she got together only a few months after we split and she seems very happy. Well, on the plus side at least, this guy is butters, so that makes me feel pretty good!

She was always an odd one. She had low self esteem, bizarely, and clearly values reliability and personality over looks. If that weren't the case, she would never have gone out with me and certainly wouldn't be with her current boyfriend.

I guess the feeling that will always prevail is that I look back with regret and feel that I missed an opportunity to be really happy. Funny thing is, if I met her now, I'd probably spend the rest of my life with her. I feel as though I had a chance with the most attractive girl I have ever met, who I loved an unbelievable amount and that I will certainly never find a better looking girl and most likely never find one I become so attached to on a personal level.

[Mc Love]

Jesus tcj, looks like you going through a tough one!

[broadsword]

Get a grip man, before you turn into stalker material.

You've probably got her worried, and that isn't cool. Maybe she's deliberately avoiding eye contact because she's worried you'll go up to her and start raving and ranting at her.

You really need to cool it down, it sounds like you've got a lot of rage, and you're channelling it through drinking and work. Perhaps in time you'll come to see that it was for the best.

Instead of getting ###### and wanting to rip holes in doors, try doing something that will calm you down, like yoga or meditation.

If you keep on focussing on doing your utmost to succeed to show her she was wrong to dump you, all you will remember is that you're being like this to forget, so you'll never forget her.

You're young, you should be going out enjoying yourself, not having a moody because this girl's dumped you. Why should she go out and have the time of her life, while you're staring at the walls listening to Joy Division.

Break out of it, enjoy your life and don't look back (unless it's to remember good times).

[Rovermatt]

Sorry, I'm genuinely not sure what you mean here.

I was disagreeing with Gordon and agreeing with you.

[den]

My only comment tcj, is just be careful when posting on here - it might work against what you're trying to achieve - hopefully not. Website forums can be dangerous places. If it were me, I would tend to move to private messenger, if you find someone you trust - and if it's the way you want to go about things.

[Rover95]

My only comment tcj, is just be careful when posting on here - it might work against what you're trying to achieve - hopefully not. Website forums can be dangerous places. If it were me, I would tend to move to private messenger, if you find someone you trust - and if it's the way you want to go about things.

I would agree with that. On here you're up against lots of people from different walks of life, different ages, views etc and too much can be overwhelming.

It sounds to me like you need a friend to talk to. Do you have someone that you trust and can give you sound advice??

On the advice front - I would take a deep breath and move on. Unfortunately, life will never be a fairytale ending - one thing I've realised getting older is that life gets tougher the older you get. The only thing I can tell you for sure is that when you look back on this experience in a few years - you'll be relieved it ended now and not 5 years down the line.

Make the most of your life - it sounds like you have a lot be thankful for.