[Archived] Bullies

[mellison24]

Prepare for a story. My girlfriend and I are doing great (yay) but 3 of her former friends are making our lives hell. They have been saying loads of shyte to us and reduced her to tears many times this last 2 months. I'm at uni in the week and can't do anything to help my girlfriend (she goes to the same college as these 3 girls).

These cows egged and sillystringed my car last night, but 'it doesn't count as criminal damage, so we cannot charge them' (Lancs constabulary). I need help on how to stop them. It is mostly mouthing off and I can't do anything about it. If I say anything, they say stuff back. If I ignore it, they reduce Laura to tears for days with what they say. I won't accept answers of violence, but any help on how to stop it would be greatly appreciated. Answers on a postcard (or even this messageboard) please. Cheers, in advance, for your help.

[broadsword]

Violence doesn't win the argument, but it definitely gets the point across. :-)

Get her to move college if she can't cope with it.

Alternatively there must be loads of resources about this online.

[thenodrog]

Prepare for a story. My girlfriend and I are doing great (yay) but 3 of her former friends are making our lives hell. They have been saying loads of shyte to us and reduced her to tears many times this last 2 months. I'm at uni in the week and can't do anything to help my girlfriend (she goes to the same college as these 3 girls).

These cows egged and sillystringed my car last night, but 'it doesn't count as criminal damage, so we cannot charge them' (Lancs constabulary). I need help on how to stop them. It is mostly mouthing off and I can't do anything about it. If I say anything, they say stuff back. If I ignore it, they reduce Laura to tears for days with what they say. I won't accept answers of violence, but any help on how to stop it would be greatly appreciated. Answers on a postcard (or even this messageboard) please. Cheers, in advance, for your help.

That doesn't really add up. Is that the full story majiball or have you left something out?

[Rover Down Under]

Sorry to say but there really isn't a lot you can do. I have A LOT of experience with bullying, it stems largely from the inadequacies of the bullies themselves and the fact your girlfriend is the wrong person in the wrong place at the wrong time. If she was not there it would be someone else. There might be more to the story but I can already guess it, your girlfriend did something, or said something, that has been used as THE reason (and only reason) to turn on her. This action or thing said will have been trivial but has been seized on, blown out of all proportion and used as the motivation for bullying.

There are a few things to remember;

1. It is not your girlfriends fault, she is not inadequate in any way, she has not done anything wrong, she is no lesser a person.

2. The bullies are looking for a REACTION (which they are getting), they feed on it, like an energy. Starve them of the energy and they will die off eventually (or seek another source).

3. Bullies will do everything and anything to deny they are bullying, even to the point of accusing the bullied as being the bully themselves. They are actually so delusional and capable of great deception that they can convince themselves, and everyone else, of this.

My advice would be divide and conquer - there are 3 of them against one. Pick the nicest and the one who is not the leader (call her Miss 'A'), or 2ic (Miss 'B'). Talk to this girl (Miss 'C') , befriend her again, DO NOT MENTION THE BULLYING (or she will go back to the other 2 and use it). If she mentions it, just tell her it doesn't affect you much and add "You know if I wasn't around, it might be you...'A' is USING you, she craves control, that's why she is a bully. As for 'B' she is just a sheep, she should think for herself..." don't say anything about 'C' unless she asks and if she does say "Well I wouldn't be talking to you now if I didn't think you were a decent person but you shouldn't let people use you."

The worst thing that can happen is that it doesn't work at all but you will have sowed a seed in her head that she is being used and that will grow every time 'A' comes up with her next scheme. At best C will leave A and B, then it will be 2 v 2 and C will try the same approach with B thus eventually leaving A isolated. Most likely outcome will be that C will return to A and B and report the bullying is not affecting you and that they should really just 'leave her alone'.

If you want to go down the police / law path you need evidence. Get a voice recorder, keep emails, record phone conversations, etc. But I wouldn't bother, the only time they do anything is after someone is injured or worse.

If you have evidence the College may have a complaints policy (note that incidents MUST be on the campus), use it, and if they do sweet FA send it to the papers - on that note you might wanna have a look at an example:

http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/story/0,22606,25949913-2682,00.html

That was me (the unnamed complainant)

And here is what you have to put up with when you have a very determined bunch of delusional bullies:

http://www.news.com.au/adelaidenow/comments/0,22638,25949913-5006301,00.html

Ironically half the people who left those comments NEVER EVER spoke to me or know anything about me. Incidentally the allegations are true and the Student Union investigation did NOT disprove the allegations, they only censured us for the manner in which we made them (hey I'm a Northener!) - they also hate the Postgrad President and wanted to get revenge on her, anyway enough rambling.

It does get to you, no matter how tough, I'm like Adamantium tough and it still gets to me occassionally so I can certainly sympathise with your girlfriend. I get through it by reminding myself they hate me cos they are inadequate and jealous and these are not just words to help me feel better, they really are inadequate excuses for humanity - almost all have no partner (never have, probably never will, if they do it'll be a two-bagger), couldn't get laid in a brothel, have no proper mates, except each other and that "friendship" is based on the hatred of another person (what a great thing to base a friendship on!), refer to Indian subcontinent students as "f***ing Paki's" TO THEIR FACE and wouldn't last 5 minutes in the real world (which is why they're all doing PhD's).

On the other hand, I have a lovely girlfriend, loads of real friends, a great social life and despite 'only' being a Masters am considerably more intelligent than they are. ######, if I wasn't me, I'd be jealous of me as well!

I reckon that since they attacked you (or your motor if you like) it clearly indicates bullying through jealousy. Have you considered it might be you that is the real target?

Sad thing is bullying in school is par for the course, in tertiary education it is rife, far more prevalent than in companies. There are BIG egos in tertiary education, mostly amongst lecturers but also amongst students and the petty jealousies and conflicts that arise just escalate beyond control. My last bit of advice would be to not give up and not give in, assuming your girlfriend is a Lancastrian and Blackburnian - WE DO NOT GIVE IN, EVER, EVER, EVER!

“When a resolute young fellow steps up to the great bully, the world, and takes him boldly by the beard, he is often surprised to find it comes off in his hand, and that it was only tied on to scare away the timid adventurers.”

Ralph Waldo Emerson

[Hughesy]

Dig some dirt up on the 3 trolls - it will usually shut them up!!

[adopted scouser]

That doesn't really add up. Is that the full story majiball or have you left something out?

What's Majiball got to do with it ?

Get someone to grip 'em

[Claytons Left Boot]

Get your girlfriend to complain the the people at college and get them to take action in the form of a discussion with all parties. They usually take this sort of thing seriously and hopefully will be able to help.

My daughter was bullied for a while at school. No physical abuse or anything, just the usual three on to one sort of thing. My lass has a really strong character so it didn't bother her a great deal but when the mother of the ringleader turned up on our doorstep, accusing our daughter of being the bully, it was the final straw. We went straight down to school the next morning and arranged a meeting with the bully, the bully's mother and us, which took place the following day.

Being put in a one on one situation caused the bully to break down in tears whilst our lass just sat there and glared at her. Cutting a long story a bit short, the bullying stopped.

Hope you sort things out.

[ABBEY]

my eldest who is timid and shy and wont say boo to a goose was getting bullied and my lad totally out of charecter whacked this bully on the nose in class after the other lad had a punch at him,the result bully stopped picking on him . proud of him too.

[mellison24]

What makes it worse is that the ringleader lives across from me and actually SCARES my gf from coming over at times. We're having a bonfire night on saturday and she'll be there. I've decided that if they don't apologise, I'm doing what all girls fear. Ketchup and eggs in the hair. feel free to add more suggestions guys. Rover Down Under - I found what you said about jealousy pretty spot on. It turns out one of the trio fancied me a while back, maybe this is why they are targetting my gf?

Lectures call me away from the board, but keep'em coming!! I wanna give the bitches their comeuppance.

[Al]

What makes it worse is that the ringleader lives across from me and actually SCARES my gf from coming over at times. We're having a bonfire night on saturday and she'll be there. I've decided that if they don't apologise, I'm doing what all girls fear. Ketchup and eggs in the hair. feel free to add more suggestions guys. Rover Down Under - I found what you said about jealousy pretty spot on. It turns out one of the trio fancied me a while back, maybe this is why they are targetting my gf?

Lectures call me away from the board, but keep'em coming!! I wanna give the bitches their comeuppance.

Sounds like the ringleader still lives with her parents. Why don't you knock on the door and have a word with them. Tell them that if it doesn't stop you are going to complain to the college head. Maybe they will do something about it if they are decent people.

[Rovermatt]

my eldest who is timid and shy and wont say boo to a goose was getting bullied and my lad totally out of charecter whacked this bully on the nose in class after the other lad had a punch at him,the result bully stopped picking on him . proud of him too.

He was right to stand up to the little @#/?. I was badly bullied in my last of primary school. It was the usual stuff - snide comments, ganging-up, poisoning the minds of other classmates who weren't actually taking part in the torment. It was borne mostly of the fact that I didn't follow the crowd and did my own thing. The ring-leader obviously identified me as an easy target. He even went as far as phoning up a girl in a different class and, claiming to be me, said some pretty dodgy stuff down the phone to her. Her mum actually got the cops to trace the call. It came from a phone box at the end of his gran's street.

It got to the point where he really didn't have to do very much himself, instead his minions simply acted on his bidding. When the weakest and most easily cowed of them shouted in my ear one day I snapped, turned around and buried my fist into his kidney. The tears welled up in his eyes and while the bullying didn't stop until I actually left the school for the summer, I had my victory and that wonderful image of the little shyte crying his eyes out, gripping his side. His mum actually complained to my mum who replied that I could hardly be blamed considering the treatment. His mother also claimed I'd banged his head off a wall. My mother said that was plainly ridiculous and asked if the woman (a nurse) had checked her own son's head. She hadn't.

They were all reported by my parents of course and more than one gave a simple response to the question as to why they were doing it: 'Matthew supports Blackburn.' They were all United 'fans' of course and were egged on by our equally odious and thick teacher (also a United t*sser) who was unable to spot that the seeds he planted in respect of the rivalry between different football fans was turning into something else entirely. Either that or he didn't care. The worst thing was that my best mate did nothing about it. We'd been friends for years and while he had nothing to do with the bullying, his natural timidity and desire for a quiet life left me feeling betrayed. Things still aren't totally right between us.

I still bear a grudge towards all of them after all these years (as does my father, from whom I inherit the rather unfortunate trait). The leader of the pack is actually married to my neighbour's niece so I see way more of him than I would wish. He's also a doctor now and I'm fairly certain I would ask for another physician if I were due to be treated by him. I saw the one I punched about a year ago in the street in Belfast. I actually stopped dead in my tracks and stared at him as he walked towards me and passed me. He recognised me of course and looked very uncomfortable. I've developed a very keen sense of other people's body language and reactions towards me when I'm in their presence (which has saved from many an awkward situation with the opposite sex). I can instantly tell when I'm the topic of somebody else's conversation and I'm unafraid to call them out on it. Oftentimes their reactions will only confirm it.

The point of all this is that bullying is a horrendous abuse of another person's psyche. Leave alone any physical violence being inflicted, it is the psychological trauma that is the most damaging. Kids across the country don't kill themselves because the big kid at school is beating them up. They want out of a situation where people (whom they probably don't even like or whose opinions they don't care about) are plaguing them day in, day out, feeding on their misery. Bullying has to be nipped in the bud as soon as possible. If it festers, it simply gets worse. It can be stopped either by reporting it to people in positions of authority (especially when it's happening at a young age) or in the old fashioned way; by ignoring it - particularly when you realise that you don't actually care what such people think of you. As said by another poster, bullies feed on the reactions of their targets, they get off on them. They feel a rush. If you take that rush away, they'll become bored. It's so easy to say, but the important thing to do is to draw a line in the sand and work from there.

[ABBEY]

What makes it worse is that the ringleader lives across from me and actually SCARES my gf from coming over at times. We're having a bonfire night on saturday and she'll be there. I've decided that if they don't apologise, I'm doing what all girls fear. Ketchup and eggs in the hair. feel free to add more suggestions guys. Rover Down Under - I found what you said about jealousy pretty spot on. It turns out one of the trio fancied me a while back, maybe this is why they are targetting my gf?

Lectures call me away from the board, but keep'em coming!! I wanna give the bitches their comeuppance.

chuck em on the bommy!!!

Sounds like the ringleader still lives with her parents. Why don't you knock on the door and have a word with them. Tell them that if it doesn't stop you are going to complain to the college head. Maybe they will do something about it if they are decent people.

and then chuck em on the bommy .

[DanLad]

Mellison, are you the same chap that started a thread a while ago discussing 2 different lasses that you liked?

One was a lass with dark hair and she had a child. One was a lass with blonde hair. You posted pictures of them? The photo of the lass with blonde hair was at a wedding.

Sorry if I've got a case of mistaken identity!

[sloth_frattelli]

Now look what you've started, this is like counselling!

Just go over, knock on the door and punch her Dad. Then tell the little upstart that for every time your girlfriend cries or your car gets covered in silly string, you're gonna punch her Dad.

[broadsword]

Mellison, are you the same chap that started a thread a while ago discussing 2 different lasses that you liked?

One was a lass with dark hair and she had a child. One was a lass with blonde hair. You posted pictures of them? The photo of the lass with blonde hair was at a wedding.

Sorry if I've got a case of mistaken identity!

That wasn't him, that was some lad up in Cumbria.

[Sandiway Blue]

as with most bullies,you usually find that you will get just the one ringleader,the gobby one.my advice would be for your girlfriend is to knock 7 bells out of the bitch when she is alone,once the bully realises that your girlfriend won`t put up with any grief,they will find someone else to torment.i know it`s not perhaps the answer that you want but i can guarantee the bullying will stop and your girlfriend will (hopefully!)only need to do it the once.

Good luck and i hope it gets sorted out.

[mellison24]

My father is going to have words with the inbred lot later on tonight. I'll tell you whether or not it's a happy ending guys!!

[cletus]

Don`t get mad, get even.

Forget the others, target the ringleader. Leave her under no illusion you are prepared to get nasty if she doesn`t back off.....girl or no girl.

Don`t do this when the others are around, just do it face to face with the ringleader.

[thenodrog]

What's Majiball got to do with it ?

Get someone to grip 'em

Nowt. It's just me speed reading. Can't edit so apologies to both.

[Majiball]

Am I being bullied?? Some one needs to tell me about it.

Buddy I'm not convinced sending your old man is a good idea it might even make it worse? They'll probably just take it like telling a teacher. I think its something your GF has to deal with, with your support. Hughesy suggestion is the best one I'll wager she's got one or skeletons in her locker and those will shut her up. You need a threat a hold over her and thats the key once you've got that your laughing.

The other alternative is public humiliation, not the nicest of suggestions but since they are coming to yours this weekend you have time to think up a an idea and you have home turf advantage. Make it count.

[mellison24]

Some excellent news. I took the advice above (i forget who said it) of getting my dad to go over. He wasn't violent but shouted (glaswegian accent no less) and inserted a few choice 4-letter words. The best bit is that it was the bitch who answered the door. That should be the end of it, but if it continues, the police will be involved. thanks for your suggestions guys!! Much appreciated!! For those of you that wish to stalk me, a pic of Laura and me (Mikey) is my profile picture. Let this thread continue for any others that may have problems, or indeed any further suggestions on how to prevent bullying which may help someone else who is scared to ask for help. Cheers all.

[DanLad]

Fingers crossed that this sorts it out for you!

Credit your Dad for stepping in, too!

[Anti-Dingle-Brigade]

If not, do as Abs suggested and knuckle shuffle them onto the bonfire.

[roversmum]

Nice pic. Best of luck to the two of you.