[Archived] Application for Employment

[Miller11]

Dear Mr. Hunt,

I wish to apply for the vacant Assistant Manager position at Blackburn Rovers FC.

I believe I have all the necessary skills, experience and personality traits to be an invaluable asset to the club, and first team Manager, Steve Kean.

I am currently the assistant manager of an Under 12's boys side, so I have a good idea what the role would entail. I'm sure Mr. Kean would be able to help me make any necessary adjustments, having made a similar step up himself recently.

Like Steve, I don't have a driving licence - something I'm sure will pose no problems. This is a decision I have made based largely on financial factors, and my own personal preference rather than the ruling of a magistrate. That said, I am keen on travelling. Long haul flights for short, fruitless meetings are something I particularly enjoy.

I consider myself an ambitious person, something I know the club's hierarchy value very highly. Throughout my childhood, I always dreamed of becoming a professional footballer (I also toyed with the idea of rock star and astronaut, but footballer was the one that stuck), and I am still hopeful this will happen one day. In fact, I have made it my life's aim to achieve this by my 40th birthday. I am sure you will recognise this as ambitious desire, and a hunger to succeed, rather than the ludicrous delusions my friends, family, teachers and colleagues have accused me of in the past.

My positivity is also one of my key strengths. In an appraisal during my time with a previous employer, I left my line manager "stunned" (their word, not mine) by focusing on my exemplary attendance record. I felt this shone through, and poor customer satisfaction results, profitability and two incidents of gross misconduct could do little to hide the fact that my performance went above and beyond what could reasonably be expected. I am sure that had I been in the employ of a progressive and forward thinking organisation such as BRFC, I'd have been rewarded with improved contractual terms, rather than seeing my employment terminated.

I am also a keen linguist, and speak seven different languages. While I'd never profess to being fluent, I have picked up enough to enable me to carry out this role effectively, as I will now demonstrate:

German - Ja

French - Oui

Italian and Spanish - Si

Hindi - हाँ

Scottish - Aye

Anything else - Nod and smile (recently, I've added a bit of lip licking, which I feel adds a certain warmth)

I spent quite a bit of time as a young man working in bars, and as part of my training, I was required to attend a wine tasting course. While I didn't particularly care for the stuff, I feel confident I could make an informed suggestion to any discerning person on which wine would best suit an occasion. For example, when watching your opponents win the league, while your own Premier League status is very much in the balance, I'd recommend half a gallon of red. To be honest, I'm more of a lager man, and I'd be able to spot a Budweiser that had been sullied with vodka a mile away. Invaluable, I'm sure you'd agree.

Like my possible future boss, I've got a great eye for a player. When I first saw a young Peter Baah pull on the famous Blue and White halves, I remarked to anyone in earshot: "This lad is the next Mark Patterson". A comment I stand by to this day.

I have, quite rightly, had the title of "Great Thinker" bestowed on me several times in the past, most recently when winning a game of Trivial Pursuit. I have also completed both Sudoko puzzles I have attempted.

For all the glitz and glamour, I realise there is a very dark side to football, and one has to be able to accept criticism as readily as praise. In my youth, I rarely let criticism bother me. In fact, I have all but forgotten all the times other children were mean to me. Two councillors and my current psychiatrist can attest to the fact that it has had a minimal impact on my later life. I always try to rise above the abuse, and Steve Kean has been a real inspiration to me of late. His steadfast refusal to accept any responsibility, his claims of forfeiting games, his relentless optimism in the face of overwhelming evidence, and general aloofness have certainly opened my eyes to a whole new meaning of the word "Dignified".

My salary requirements would be £12,000 per annum (not per week, I believe money is a bit tight?). So if I were to sign a 2 year deal, taking into account a generous win bonus, you could expect to pay me £24,000. Naturally, I would expect a review of these terms every 4-6 weeks, regardless of performance.

I look forward to hearing from you.

[beerwins]

I will do as I am told and will not interfere one bit.

Who would get the job Miller?

[Seggie]

Brilliant, I might make a speculative application for the managers position using my FM CV and advantage of a driving licence although I would have to declare my points but hey thats better than Stevo's

[Rovermatt]

  On 07/01/2012 at 00:12, Miller11 said:

Dear Mr. Hunt,

I wish to apply for the vacant Assistant Manager position at Blackburn Rovers FC.

I believe I have all the necessary skills, experience and personality traits to be an invaluable asset to the club, and first team Manager, Steve Kean.

I am currently the assistant manager of an Under 12's boys side, so I have a good idea what the role would entail. I'm sure Mr. Kean would be able to help me make any necessary adjustments, having made a similar step up himself recently.

Like Steve, I don't have a driving licence - something I'm sure will pose no problems. This is a decision I have made based largely on financial factors, and my own personal preference rather than the ruling of a magistrate. That said, I am keen on travelling. Long haul flights for short, fruitless meetings are something I particularly enjoy.

I consider myself an ambitious person, something I know the club's hierarchy value very highly. Throughout my childhood, I always dreamed of becoming a professional footballer (I also toyed with the idea of rock star and astronaut, but footballer was the one that stuck), and I am still hopeful this will happen one day. In fact, I have made it my life's aim to achieve this by my 40th birthday. I am sure you will recognise this as ambitious desire, and a hunger to succeed, rather than the ludicrous delusions my friends, family, teachers and colleagues have accused me of in the past.

My positivity is also one of my key strengths. In an appraisal during my time with a previous employer, I left my line manager "stunned" (their word, not mine) by focusing on my exemplary attendance record. I felt this shone through, and poor customer satisfaction results, profitability and two incidents of gross misconduct could do little to hide the fact that my performance went above and beyond what could reasonably be expected. I am sure that had I been in the employ of a progressive and forward thinking organisation such as BRFC, I'd have been rewarded with improved contractual terms, rather than seeing my employment terminated.

I am also a keen linguist, and speak seven different languages. While I'd never profess to being fluent, I have picked up enough to enable me to carry out this role effectively, as I will now demonstrate:

German - Ja

French - Oui

Italian and Spanish - Si

Hindi - हाँ

Scottish - Aye

Anything else - Nod and smile (recently, I've added a bit of lip licking, which I feel adds a certain warmth)

I spent quite a bit of time as a young man working in bars, and as part of my training, I was required to attend a wine tasting course. While I didn't particularly care for the stuff, I feel confident I could make an informed suggestion to any discerning person on which wine would best suit an occasion. For example, when watching your opponents win the league, while your own Premier League status is very much in the balance, I'd recommend half a gallon of red. To be honest, I'm more of a lager man, and I'd be able to spot a Budweiser that had been sullied with vodka a mile away. Invaluable, I'm sure you'd agree.

Like my possible future boss, I've got a great eye for a player. When I first saw a young Peter Baah pull on the famous Blue and White halves, I remarked to anyone in earshot: "This lad is the next Mark Patterson". A comment I stand by to this day.

I have, quite rightly, had the title of "Great Thinker" bestowed on me several times in the past, most recently when winning a game of Trivial Pursuit. I have also completed both Sudoko puzzles I have attempted.

For all the glitz and glamour, I realise there is a very dark side to football, and one has to be able to accept criticism as readily as praise. In my youth, I rarely let criticism bother me. In fact, I have all but forgotten all the times other children were mean to me. Two councillors and my current psychiatrist can attest to the fact that it has had a minimal impact on my later life. I always try to rise above the abuse, and Steve Kean has been a real inspiration to me of late. His steadfast refusal to accept any responsibility, his claims of forfeiting games, his relentless optimism in the face of overwhelming evidence, and general aloofness have certainly opened my eyes to a whole new meaning of the word "Dignified".

My salary requirements would be £12,000 per annum (not per week, I believe money is a bit tight?). So if I were to sign a 2 year deal, taking into account a generous win bonus, you could expect to pay me £24,000. Naturally, I would expect a review of these terms every 4-6 weeks, regardless of performance.

I look forward to hearing from you.

This is fantastic.

I implore you to send it to Ewood.

Perhaps add a bit under the 'Dear Mr Hunt': 'I assume that you are the man to contact in this regard. I may well be mistaken of course. In the event that this correspondence requires onward transmission to India please take the necessary steps and I will undertake to repay the club's postal expenses. Should the contents fall within Mr Steve Kean's sizeable remit, perhaps you would pass on to him the following information.'

The bit about your line manager being "stunned" is very amusing. I'd love to see a reference to your receiving several text message and phone calls from the managers of other local businesses commending you on your outstanding job performance.

Before signing off you could say: 'If the club is conducting the appointment of a new assistant manager via alternative means I would be grateful if you could advise me of same. May I thank you for your assistance in this regard. I look forward to hearing from you with all due urgency.'

The more polite it is the sharper the message.

[I_saw_Batty_score]

Are you prepared to go on Kentaro's books?

Would you promise to be based at least 150 miles away from Ewood in the home counties?

[Paul Mellelieu]

Great stuff, giving much needed light relief in the darkest of times.

[Stuart]

Brilliant.

[m1st]

Absolutely superb, Miller!

However, I fear you may be over-qualified for this post. Are you sure you're not really applying for the manager's post? If so, I should warn you that you haven't a cat in hell's chance. He's there until either he dies or the club is killed by its owners.

[Ricky]

Might also be worth suggesting that you'd be happy to change your surname to Anderson if required.

[Plastic Head]

I'm going to get the guy 2 doors down to apply as he is a gynaecologist and therefore used to working with c**nts.

[m1st]

  On 07/01/2012 at 08:48, Plastic Head said:

I'm going to get the guy 2 doors down to apply as he is a gynaecologist and therefore used to working with c**nts.

[den]

Brilliant stuff Miller11.

Go on, post it.

[Devon Rover]

Brilliant thread to lift the spirits!

Go on, apply- you have my support and reference if required. I don't know you but on the basis of your application you are clearly more than sufficiently qualified for a management post at Rovers.

[BuckyRover]

Do you work long hours?

[moerpho]

Brilliant, Miller11! Only thing is Kean might see you as a serious challenger for the manager-job and thus make sure you'd rather be emplyed as Director of Football or something to that effect. Still....thank you! Nice to start the day with a good laugh :lol:

[King Kenny's Magic]

I have no coaching experience and love currys. I'll give that fine chap Jerome Anderson a call and get him to represent me. Surely that should do the trick?!

[Dunnfc]

Love it your also an expert in contract renewal which you remain is a strong point in regards to Junior Hoilett, And you have the skills to be able to interact with important key players whilst licking there arse at the same time!

[krypton1980]

First of all excellent post miller11

  On 07/01/2012 at 00:26, Seggie said:

Brilliant, I might make a speculative application for the managers position using my FM CV and advantage of a driving licence although I would have to declare my points but hey thats better than Stevo's

I once got Rushden & Diamonds promoted to Premiership from the Conference, then won the Prem, Champions League, FA Cup, League Cup, Charity Shield & European Super Cup, - while also managing England and winning the World Cup.

Think I might send my Championship Manager CV in aswell. We could run the club as joint managers

[Seggie]

  On 08/01/2012 at 00:34, krypton1980 said:

I once got Rushden & Diamonds promoted to Premiership from the Conference, then won the Prem, Champions League, FA Cup, League Cup, Charity Shield & European Super Cup, - while also managing England and winning the World Cup.

Think I might send my Championship Manager CV in aswell. We could run the club as joint managers

Don't think Venky's would be able to afford such a dynamic duo But If Miller is on 12k per anum I'd easily want 18k as assistant plus benefits such as free KFC, a company car andDriver for those awkward situations were you just have to have a drink with Fergie, private security to protect me from vicious fans, free flights to Australia every few months (Don't want to see the owners, just fancy some free jollys). Now my style with the press would be tell it like it is, so its all going to be a bit angry and negative to start with so you may have to do all the work on the bench whilst I serve my touchline ban. I also would want DMs and Full Backs, if we dont concede we don't lose, don't think our esteemed owners would go for that. Agents well I currently sell phones so Junior will sign up for a 2 year deal at 40 per month and he will get an iphone 4s as a bonus. my training methods involve a bargain bucket from KFC which I will attatch to a stick on top of our tubbier players head and place them on a treadmill and make them chase the chicken. I will also insist Gael Givet has a shave because he looks like no one owns him and we can't effectively market a homeless Frenchman to our fans let alone potential suiters for him in the transfer market.

[purplegrover]

I laughed and laughed until I ruptured my bowel and died.

Then I came back to life and laughed some more.

[K-Hod]

  On 07/01/2012 at 00:26, Seggie said:

Brilliant, I might make a speculative application for the managers position using my FM CV and advantage of a driving licence although I would have to declare my points but hey thats better than Stevo's

I remember someone once did this applying for the job at Middlesbrough (as a joke) and Steve Gibson replied saying he thought Middlesbrough couldn't attract a manager of his calibre. So funny!

[The Prof.]

[Seggie]

  On 09/01/2012 at 12:43, K-Hod said:

I remember someone once did this applying for the job at Middlesbrough (as a joke) and Steve Gibson replied saying he thought Middlesbrough couldn't attract a manager of his calibre. So funny!

I got a letter off John Williams once saying although my CV was impressive he could not consider me for the role

[Smithyster]

Brilliant