[Archived] The Season's Book of Kean's most ridiculous Statements

[sijoco]

April 7th - "We put Hoilett back up front with Yakubu in the second half and we dominated for 20 minutes" - After a 3-0 defeat to WBA, Kean is still struggling with the concept of matches generally lasting 90 mins.

9ht March - "We spoke with Bolo when he came in, he had a look at us and had a look about the training ground. We spoke at length and I think it was important for him to understand where we wanted him to play" Bolo Zenden spends a day with Kean and is never heard from again.

Quotes courtesy of atomicsoda.com

[AllRoverAsia]

http://www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/sport/9677918.Kean__We_didn___t_lack_ambition_at_Spurs/

“I don’t think, if you are playing three versus two at the back and pushing your wide men on high, that is lacking ambition.

One one of them , Marcus O., runs around like a headless chicken in danger of disappearing us his own ass it doesn't count Coco.

[booth]

Somebody should collect them and publish them via LuLu.com. Any proceeds should go to some kind of psychological welfare charity.

[Gav]

All the pundits are wrong and I'm right, todays telegraph, the mans a deluded ****

[roverandout]

'i didnt see the plane' (because it was in the air and i was too busy looking in that direction watching robbo's set peices)

[Glenn]

At every Keanius press conference Karl Pilkington should fly in and shout 'Bullsh!t'

Karl should be put on standbye every time Keanius opens his mouth

You can't believe anything that comes out of his mouth - with every breath he exhales another untruth is brought forward

I actually emailed Karl's agent asking what he charged for personal appearances. Sadly he never replied.

[Blue n White Rover]

Not sure why people are making a big deal about having 0 shots on target. United did the same on Monday night against City, and they have a much better attacking line up than us.

(Line to be used for pre-match interview for Wigan game)

[Steve Moss]

Everyone with eyes to see and a brain to comprehend realizes we are horrible on defense. So attack. Take it to the other team.

[Rovermatt]

I always found Kean's statement about Formica (slow, lightweight, vaguely skilful midfielder) being the 'new Batistuta' (strong, powerful goal machine - one of the greatest centre forwards of all time) to be particularly strange. It's like he just spurted out the name of the first Argentine footballer that popped into his brain. Whatever your views of Formica's attributes (or lack thereof) he certainly bears NO resemblance to Batistuta in any way.

Not sure why people are making a big deal about having 0 shots on target. United did the same on Monday night against City, and they have a much better attacking line up than us.

(Line to be used for pre-match interview for Wigan game)

No shots of any kind.

[Glenn]

isnt work ethic and effort the same thing?

No. But if somebody has a strong work ethic, but doesn't put in the effort, it implies who they work for wanted them to not put the effort in (otherwise the wouldn't have a strong work ethic). I'm not suggesting a conspiracy theory here, but a definite foot-in-moment moment.

"I was advised that it would be in my interest to have somebody with me at all times, I was at a restaurant with my wife and children a few months ago and got a text message from a friend telling me to be careful.

There was stuff going out on Twitter from an activist group which identified the restaurant so that people could confront me.

To be fair, I think I remember what is almost certainly that conversation on twitter and it's mostly accurate. It's wasn't "an activist group" but it was a prominent member of a fans group and I strongly suspect people suggesting somebody should go and give him a slap we're joking. But sadly, joking about such things on twitter (or on here) can be taken very very seriously.

[blueboy3333]

"I was advised that it would be in my interest to have somebody with me at all times, I was at a restaurant with my wife and children a few months ago and got a text message from a friend telling me to be careful.

There was stuff going out on Twitter from an activist group which identified the restaurant so that people could confront me.

The chap who protects me is a seventh dan in karate, but he is not big or butch or anything. He knows how to handle himself. It is a bit strange having him around, but there are some good things too. He is bloody interesting to talk to, for a start."

...Maybe you should have asked him for some football tips Steve!

That bit always cracks me up. Bizarre. What is the relevance?!

[perthblue02]

That bit always cracks me up. Bizarre. What is the relevance?!

Think the term for it is a "man crush"

[roversfan83]

With cut n paste trawled through past 8 pages of quotes for benefit of my mates who don't come on here. It's depressingly hilarious. It's a monstrous amount will have no probs filling several books. I'll try and post a "recap" of where we are so far if it will accept the sheer volume of text..

“We are not going to be able to invent 10 games where we can go on an unbeaten run because there are not enough games left.” Steve Kean certainly on top of things.

Kean on Nelsen: “He's in a bad way. I've just been to see him. He's in traction. We need experienced players in the team and I can't wait to get him back, but I doubt he'll be let out before the end of the season” 4 days later Nelsen made his debut for Spurs.

“I think that on another day if there was a bit more dew on the grass one of his shots would have gone in...considering we were in their box 36 times, the same equal amount as Villa.” More nonsense following a 3-1 defeat to Villa.

Kean on Junior: “He's desperate to sign, we're making progress” From December 2010 and every other day since.

“We feel that Myles Anderson is a player with great potential as a late developer,” Kean told the Lancashire Evening Telegraph. "He could become something of a Chris Smalling, who came through late in football and Myles has done the same” 0 caps.

“Bruno, or Denis after Denis Irwin the boys call him because he never gives the ball away, will fill in that position and that is great for us” 0 caps.

“David’s always been put on a par with a young Rooney and he can certainly score all types of goals…It’s not just nice tap-ins, he can create a goal for himself, score from outside the box, chip them in, pass them in, smash them in” 2 league goals.

“There is no way Chris Samba is leaving this football club. I've spoken to the owners and that's the end of the matter” Samba leaves 2 weeks later.

Sky Sports interview April 2012 interviewer: “How do you stop the work life coming back here into your home? I've not seen any signs of a cat. I don't know if you've kicked it out or…”

SK: “No, we don't have a cat, we don't have a dog but we have plenty of TVs and we watch football, I'm always at football.…” So who chomps the box of pedigree chum to the left of you in the background, then Stevie?

“We are in a position where we have forfeited going through and having the chance to reach a cup final," Kean said. "We have games against sides within touching distance of us in the league. We need to treat those games as cup finals.” Steve Kean on priorities.

“In Dalmarnock you had to have your wits about you. You needed a sixth sense for danger and trouble and developed the kind of survival instincts that I think have stood me in good stead…The main objective was getting to and from school in one piece. I would get the occasional hiding but I would find different ways to get there. You couldn’t walk the most direct route.” Steve Kean attended St. Maurice's High School in Cumbernauld a new town on the outskirts of Glasgow where he grew up and Dalmarnock is approximately 15 miles away.

“We are going to do our business early and get experienced players” Business was done on deadline day and the experienced players were uncapped Orr/Olsson and unheard of Modest.

“We've got a list and I will get a meeting with the owners in the next three or four days…Hopefully we will be bringing in fresh faces and some quality in the window to compliment what we have already got.” Steve Kean on the January 2012 transfer window which saw Chris Samba and Ryan Nelsen leave, to be replaced by Bradley Orr, Anthony Modest and Marcus Olsson.

“The most important thing is 99% of the fans didn't demonstrate” Steve Kean on Blackburn Rovers 2-0 loss to Stoke, during which 99% of the fans chanted for him to leave.

“I hope what we are trying to do has not been lost on people.” Steve Kean on the elusive 'project'.

“I live in the area but I don’t go out in Blackburn because I can’t. You just never know who you might run into.” Steve Kean on surviving the rough streets of Blackburn where he has been attacked and threatened zero times.

“I talk to people in the village and they can see what we're trying to do. They can see the way we're trying to play football, and they tell me 'keep going'.” Steve Kean on one of his many LSD trips to "the village".

“Our break in Dubai went really well. From a medical point of view I have been told vitamin D levels were very high in the lads when they come back due to the sunshine.” Money well spent then! 

“There will be thousands of kilo’s of chicken eaten at our training ground this year” Kean on Indian TV in October. Fitness issues become clearer.

“I'm happy to meet any supporter and to be open about what we are trying to do at the club,“ Kean said. 'But the thing that disappoints me (about the criticism) is that we've been playing well” Steve Kean really is the one who flew over the cuckoos nest.

“Judge us after the transfer window is closed.” And judge you we shall.

“I don’t know if it is a large section of the crowd, and to be fair, I’m not really paying any attention to anybody who is staying behind.” Steve Kean on the importance of the fans.

“If you have a good game plan and a good bunch of players you have a chance, and I've got both.” His good players and good game plan currently have Rovers 18th and almost certain to get relegated.

“Gaël Givet and Bradley Orr both had to have injections to play, Junior Hoilett and Ayegbeni Yakubu are both carrying injuries too, but no one wants to come off the pitch at the moment and that's a fantastic sign.” Steve Kean on why having numerous players with niggling injuries is a good thing.

“I'm always very open and honest with anything I'm asked.” Steve Kean lies about being honest.

“My phone's been going hot all week with messages saying: 'Hang in there.' No disrespect to local MPs or local journalists or ex-players but, when you've got vastly experienced managers phoning and saying under the circumstances you're doing a marvellous job, then I'll listen to them.” Steve Kean thinks people love him, but in reality his number was posted on a Burnley message board.

“I've worked with him before. He's a fantastic leader but more importantly he's a top player.” Steve Kean gets Scott Dann confused with a good footballer.

“I think the genuine fans who go every week, the ones who go week in week out home and away, can see how we’re playing and they know we’re not in a nice position at the moment we should be higher.” Steve Kean explains who the real Blackburn Rovers fans are.

“Yes, there have been discussions about a new contract, but I have told the owners that this is an inappropriate time to conclude any new contract discussions. Instead, the real issue is for me and everyone else to concentrate on the games.”

Steve Kean speaks to ESPN on November 22nd regarding rumours of a new contract.

“I'm just delighted the owners have backed me and the players are totally behind what we are trying to do. I'm happy now to move on and piece together what we are trying to do.”

Steve Kean on November 25th, having signed a new contract.

“The chap who protects me is a seventh dan in karate, but he is not big or butch or anything. He knows how to handle himself. It is a bit strange having him around, but there are some good things too. He is bloody interesting to talk to, for a start” Steve Kean banned from driving confuses his driver for body guard. 

“I’ve been playing badly for eight or nine years. It’s something I’ve always been into. I like Paul Weller, all the old school stuff. It’s in the house so I just have a little half-hour most evenings…When you’re rubbish at playing the guitar, you can’t think of anything else!” Steve Kean on playing the guitar worse than he is a manager and where his thoughts really are.

“We spoke with Bolo when he came in, he had a look at us and had a look about the training ground. We spoke at length and I think it was important for him to understand where we wanted him to play” Bolo Zenden spends a day with Kean and is never heard from again.

“We looked at Bolo as we need more experience in the current squad”…later that same day…“we have plenty of experience in this squad” Steve Kean contradicts himself AGAIN.

“I have every confidence we can turn this situation around, and for 55 minutes of the game we were in good shape and in contention.”

“If we can put the first 80 minutes against Manchester United together with our 20-minute spell in the second half against West Brom, you will get the overall intensity and performance required.” 

“We put Hoilett back up front with Yakubu in the second half and we dominated for 20 minutes” Steve Kean is still struggling with the concept of matches generally lasting 90 minutes. 

“I didn’t see the plane and I don’t know what it said,” Steve Kean not noticing the plane:

“The owners are very knowledgeable” Steve Kean defending owners whom didn't realise Rovers could get relegated. 

'“I receive 500 letters of support per day” Yet no one who dislikes him knows how to contact him.

“My drink was spiked”

The district judge Sanders said:

"There is no evidence of lacing of drinks…no one has come forward and said: 'Yes, I put 17 vodkas into his beer.' There is another explanation – and that is Mr Kean had more to drink than he has admitted.” And when questioned whether Kean's account could be regarded as truthful. He said: “It is perhaps relevant that when he was stopped by the police and asked whether he had had anything to drink he replied 'no' and that was clearly not true.”

“Givet was not in the right frame of mind to play” On twitter Givet claims to have been in a great frame of mind.

“You look back on the games, were we good enough for a point against Chelsea? Yes. Should we have got three against Norwich? Yes. Should we have got a point against Tottenham? Yes. You add up all those points and we’re sitting halfway up the league.” Steve Kean consoles himself with the imaginary 'should have' league table.

“We gave it one almighty go, we're going to play worse than that and win.” Still waiting…

“We had them rocking a bit and continued to keep the pressure on but if we keep playing like that we'll climb the table” Relegation without ever acknowledging actually in a relegation fight. 

“I believe I was good enough to play for Celtic.” Steve Kean played for Alloa, Academia Coimbra, Bath City and Newbury Town. Celtics loss!!!

“We were better in the second half, we kept the ball better” (Rovers had 29 % possession both halves)

“Our passing was loose, which had a big bearing on not getting more chances. But our shape was OK”

“We've had monumental results this season including back to back clean sheets"

"We will take the positives from the game”

“Despite the result against Tottenham we still retain the belief, we have to improve on aspects from today with the ball and we can certainly improve on the number of chances we've created"

“Relegation hasn’t even been considered” Steve Kean after the record breaking away match at Tottenham on 29 April, in which Rovers did not get a single shot on or off target.

01/05/12 Lancashire evening telegraph: “All the pundits are wrong and I'm right” Steve Kean proving sectioning people under the Mental Health Act is a good thing.

[roversfan83]

Does anyone have the exact "we won't get relegated" one, in pre season he claimed it would be grella's season, waxing lyrical last season about home record which was fat sams, or last weeks let where he said we've won lot of home games. I make it 11 defeats. 

[Bobby G]

I want to vomit.

[bob fleming]

I was advised that it would be in my interest to have somebody with me at all times, I was at a restaurant with my wife and children a few months ago and got a text message from a friend telling me to be careful.

There was stuff going out on Twitter from an activist group which identified the restaurant so that people could confront me.

To be fair, I think I remember what is almost certainly that conversation on twitter and it's mostly accurate. It's wasn't "an activist group" but it was a prominent member of a fans group and I strongly suspect people suggesting somebody should go and give him a slap we're joking. But sadly, joking about such things on twitter (or on here) can be taken very very seriously.

I remember it at the time as well Glenn. I don't believe it for a minute. It's ridiculous, utterly ludicrous, but it's the kind of exaggerated nonsense we've come to expect and gets printed without question. I mean does anyone out there actually believe that Kean has a friend?

[thenodrog]

And he knows this how, exactly?

He already said it was 'written in the script' that Bolton were going to beat us so not sure why now suddenly having an early penalty would have altered that.

I have never heard a bigger surrender monkey statement in all my life than that. He sent out the players with a lie down and die attitude. No doubt to project his desired public image of a good sort and much maligned manager through the media.

I actually emailed Karl's agent asking what he charged for personal appearances. Sadly he never replied.

In that case that Karl must just be another bullshitter then.

I always found Kean's statement about Formica (slow, lightweight, vaguely skilful midfielder) being the 'new Batistuta' (strong, powerful goal machine - one of the greatest centre forwards of all time) to be particularly strange. It's like he just spurted out the name of the first Argentine footballer that popped into his brain. Whatever your views of Formica's attributes (or lack thereof) he certainly bears NO resemblance to Batistuta in any way.

No shots of any kind.

Formigol doesn't quite have the same ring to it does it?

btw good effort roversfan83!

[matt83]

Jesus wept has it been that many. Well here's a few more:

"I've been reserve coach at...erm...erm...Coventry"

Cant even remember his own modest credentials.

"Phil is leaving us because he wants champions league football and we are not quite there yet"

No not quite.

"When we went for beckham and ronaldhinhio it was very real"

If you say so.

"I've got a competitive squad and I'm very confident that by the end of the season we will be in the top half of the table"

Delusions

"the overall message is that there is going to be investment in this transfer window and the chair lady says we don't have to sell anybody"

Bye bye Phil jones, hello to oh wait Scott Dann.

"I can stand up in front of the players  this morning and tell them what direction the club is going in"

May explain why every decent player left then.

YouTube Steve Kean bullshit man and Steve Kean idiot abroad are reminders of the insanity

[Mattyblue]

'We've been fantastic in every single game'

[Rovermatt]

Edit: Never mind.

[benb]

Does anyone have the exact "we won't get relegated" ,

http://www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/sport/9373396.Blackburn_Rovers_relegated__No_chance__says_Steve_Kean/?ref=mr

As someone pointed out up to 8th read on lt site other day

[bradeagle]

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/sport/football/teams/blackburn-rovers/8215335/Blackburn-Rovers-caretaker-manager-Steve-Kean-insists-he-can-better-10th-place-if-he-is-handed-5m-transfer-fund.html

top ten of which league?

[winstonsmith]

I have never heard a bigger surrender monkey statement in all my life than that. He sent out the players with a lie down and die attitude. No doubt to project his desired public image of a good sort and much maligned manager through the media.

Spot on, Theno.

Following Muamba's collapse and just prior to the Bolton match, his chum Coyle was quoted as saying "I have to place on record my thanks to Stevie Kean, who was one of the first to contact me. He's a gem of a lad and he knows I have a lot of time for him".

How about a list of BS quotes about Kean ? Stevie's a gem of a lad !

[matt83]

Spot on, Theno.

Following Muamba's collapse and just prior to the Bolton match, his chum Coyle was quoted as saying "I have to place on record my thanks to Stevie Kean, who was one of the first to contact me. He's a gem of a lad and he knows I have a lot of time for him".

How about a list of BS quotes about Kean ? Stevie's a gem of a lad !

Eric Black said Kean deserves a knighthood for what he's been through.

Still don't actually know what he's actually been through or another one I hear how he's conducted himself with "dignity" whatever that means. Dignity must mean to lie. 

One things for sure if he deserves a knighthood the fans deserve a knighthood, to be canonised, given a million pounds and get to spend a night with both cheryl cole and Megan fox just as a start. 

[Consequence]

A great compilation on the previous page. Even without all the lies re: Salgado, and the 3 or 4 substitutions quote after the Swansea game. You have to laugh or else you'd cry.