[Archived] New Funnies

[Al]

An Essex girl goes into a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.

The shop assistant asks her to choose from the display on the wall.

"I'll have that red one" she says.

"Sorry love. That's the fire extinguisher"

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My lawnmower has been in need of fixing for months but you know how it is there's always something else you need to be doing like going for a beer or a game of golf.

The other day I got home and found the wife kneeling down, cutting the grass with a pair of nail scissors.

I went inside for a toothbrush and she said "What's that for?"

"When you've finished the lawn you might as well sweep the drive."

The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp.

[adopted scouser]

I googled 'Gary Oldman' last night. Got some disturbing pictures, he's really let himself go.

Then I realised I'd left the R out

[bazza]

A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them ###### in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the publican. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ######."

"It was my first day with the hook."

[American Rover12]

Moved these over to the old thread.