[Archived] Dates for the Diary

[Beta Ray Bill]

Don't know if this is posted elsewhere (had a quick look but didn't spot anything), but the new season fixtures are out on Monday 18th June.

With the Olympics, the Premier League Championship starts later next season, on Saturday 18th August.

No date is yet published for the normal season end, but it is likely to be Saturday 4th May.

Unlikely to concern us, but the Play Off Final is Monday 27th May. This is the same weekend as the Champions League final at Wembley on the Saturday, which we should have been appearing at...

[Tom]

Friday 17th August - Rovers announce a new sponsorship deal with Hollytree chippy worth 15 dabs a season

[he6rt6gr6m]

Friday 17th August - Rovers announce a new sponsorship deal with Hollytree chippy worth 15 dabs a season

And we'll be playing naked when Umbro pull the plug!

[lowerdarwenblue]

Friday 17th August - Rovers announce a new sponsorship deal with Hollytree chippy worth 15 dabs a season

Sunday 19th August - Hollytree chippy sever all deals with Venkys FC as they get no customers over the weekend due to their connections with them and Fat Boy Balaji eats all the pies.

[Lurid Coat]

Monday 27 August - Owners Venky's are happy to announce that the "great manager" Steve Kean has signed a new four year contract with Blackburn Rovers, after masterminding the club to a 0-4 defeat to newly promoted Stevenage Borough

[lowerdarwenblue]

Tuesday 28th August - Venkys FC sack their first Assistant Manager of the season but it's all OK cos Kean announces Bradley Orr as the new one in the specially arranged press conference. Orr is asked what he thinks but is unable to answer due to his tongue being right up Keans backside.

[rebelmswar]

Wednesday 29th August - Disasters occurs as Keans ego finally reaches such a scale that it collapses in upon itself starting a chain reaction of events that prove the Mayans correct.

Thursday 30th August - Researchers discover that Mayan calendars aesthetics are actually based on Keans body shape and that the incriments are postulated wins versus losses.

[he6rt6gr6m]

September 30th - Kean's birthday. Only David Goodwillie is invited.

[Lurid Coat]

Saturday 6th October - The Blackburn fans demonstrate by staging a pitch sit-in after another humiliating defeat that sees the club stranded at the foot of the Championship table. Kean does a "bloody good presser", and calms the fans by saying that Rovers are only very slightly off their top two target for the season.

Sunday 7th October - New assistant manager Bradley Orr is sacked due to the poor results that were simply down to him and not Kean. Kean's bodyguard, who's a seventh dan in karate and also bloody interesting to talk to, replaces Orr. Kean tells the football world to marvel at the magnificent appointment that will mark a new and glorious era for the club.

[47er]

November 1-----in a controversial money-saving move Bobby Mimms is to combine the posts of Goal-keeping Coach and goalkeeper.

[ABBEY]

Nov 2 mimma is a asked to be a post

[james_rox]

November 5th - Mrs Desai flies to be Manchester, only to see a bonfire with a figure on the top, thus making a swift return back to India. She claims this offends her as it should only be chickens and football clubs which are turned to ash.

[bob fleming]

November 10th. Rovers find themselves routed to the bottom of the table. The 10 point deduction is starting to look a real problem. However, although a "positive" -10 points tally at this stage would get a lesser man down, it takes more than that to dampen Sir Steve's delusion. November provides a real chance to get some much needed points on the board with 8 consecutive "winnable" games against Stevenage Borough Council.

Having now fallen out with every single "senior pro" at the club at some point during the first 12 games of the season against Stevenage and one against Peterborough, the first team is now comprised of players aged under 15 who won't answer back or take the mickey or anything and that chicken - who was brought in to replace Junior Hoillett (sold to Marseille for €12.99 on May 14th) against his will, of course.

With PR, Make Up and taxi fares now accounting for 86.5% of the clubs turnover, every single penny is carefully monitored by Group Financial Director, Karen Silk (17). Scouting missions to Madrid, Munich and Barnsley have been stopped, despite Rovers impending planned assault on the Champions League in 2015.

Meanwhile Club owners Venkys have yet to attend a match and deny all knowledge or even knowing "what you are talking about" whenever the word "Blackburn" is mentioned.

[rebelmswar]

November 11th. In a piece of press conference, not to mention mathematical, genus, Steve Kean manages to convince the seething mass of two reporters and a hatstand that the -10 point deduction is not a problem as if he loses four games on the bounce he will lose 12 points and when those two are multiplied together it is a positive points crop.

Seven women and a dog miraculously become pregnant due to just being within half a mile of the press conference.

In other news, Steven "The illegitimate" Kean is still waiting for a reply to his phone message in which he asks Goodwillie if he in fact received the birthday party invitation.

[lowerdarwenblue]

November 20th - Venkys FC sack Keans bodyguard as Assistant Manager following an 8-0 home defeat in the Carling Cup to Accrington. Kean says "This is a positive move forward" and introduces Hong Kong Fooey to the press as his new Assistant.

In other news, the next Chris Smalling, is appointed club captain and signs a 100k per week 10 year contract despite never playing one match for the first team. "He's a late developer" says Kean, "I'm sure he'll make his debut soon".