[Archived] Forthcoming MB Article: Living With Iron Age Man

[Mike Graham]

Myself, 1864roverite and hopefully Baz (if he survives the savages) intend, win or lose, to write about our forthcoming encounter with ancient "man". For the sake of science we have been persuaded to spend approximately 2.5 hours in the middle of Dingles this Sunday, it is on a par with spending time in a cage at Chester Zoo with pubescent chimps who will be pi$$ing and pooing everywhere, making loud animal like noises and playing with their toys before trying to throw them out of the cage.

This is a trip like no other. We are going in camouflage with designer mitts to hide our giveaway 5 fingers. All communications with the outside world will have to be suspended, we have to be silent in these jungle surroundings and we have been advised not to eat or drink or we may get gut worms.

Any advice is most welcome, don't bother with "sit on your hands"!

If we survive please be prepared for our STORY FROM THE DARK SIDE OF THE WORLD.

[Majiball]

make sure the gloves are 6 fingered ones and shove a hotdog in the empty finger for realism.

[1864roverite]

Morning campers and Capt Mike. I am now really looking forward to the game even though I will have to endure what can only be described as pure unadulterated pain, far more than anything endured by the celebrities in Oz, far more painful than the bandicoot that bit wannabe heavyweigfht champion of the world David Haye and of course far more painful than anything Keaning Kean has inflcited upon us Rovers fans before he skedaddled and did a runner with the money and the clubs silver.

I was one of the few who dared to take the old Bee Hole end many years ago when a band of Rovers fans were left with no option to enter the ground via that end, scary as it was I really dont know what to expect tomorrow.

I think the biggest issue we face is of course the 6 fingered problem as well as the grunting and graoning in their own language. as a Blackburn lad I dread to think of one of them trying to communicate with me, and I suppose that it may give the wrong sort of signal should one of them think of it being an invite to take me home to partake in inbred festivities. I am not concerned about being forced to remain seated should my beloved Rovers score however I am not going to concern myself about potential reactions shoudl they pop a goal in.

I suppose though, a smile at the end of the game from me and Mike may look odd to the dingle inbreds so as we hobble to our chariot (hopefully containing whoops of joy) I hope that me and Mike can enjoy a pint and begin the story of a great venture into the land of the unknown.

its potentially a tale not to be missed !

COYB

[sambo]

What stand are you in? Best of luck!

[Mike Graham]

What stand are you in? Best of luck!

A secret.....for obvious reasons!

[perthblue02]

• Good luck with your mission into the 19th century, could I suggest you print off the following and put into your wallet in case you are asked for proof of your dingle bloodline
  
• 
  
• Godspeed Prestonblue,roverite and baz , if you get cornered pull out a match and strike it they might think your a witch and run away
  
• 
  

[Baz]

To quote Liam Neeson in The Grey:

Once more into the fray

Into the last good fight I'll ever know

Live and die on this day

Live and die on this day

Looking forward to tomorrow, Im in the main stand after blagging a ticket from work. Ill be at the Turf from 10:30 tucking into a full cooked brekkie, drinks followed by cheese n biscuits at half time. Got to wear a shirt n tie, so just sorting out my best blue n white striped shirt.

I can see an anticlimatic draw personally, with both teams freezing (like the fans). Ill try and take a few discrete piccies of Rovers fans and any angry locals if we score.

Darent cheer if we score, but one of the other guys has threatened to "out" me if we win, so that may be entertaining. If we lose Im in for a torrid week at work in Dingleland.

[den]

To all three of you, you're better men than me - Gunga Din.

[Rovermatt]

Whatever happens, don't get separated.

[Mike Graham]

Getting ready now.......blue/white underkeks on, rocket fuel in the fuel tank for the escape and shark prod sticks in he car boot to keep Dingles at bay!

Word substitution aka Kean will be in place:

Thank you =. Kean off you Dingle inbred Keantard

Hello = go Kean your sister, mother and dog

Goodbye =. This sheep dip of a so called football ground smells of Kean

[Clitherover]

Good luck with this lol, I actually went t'Turf last season and sat in the home end with a Dingle season ticket holding in law (i know, i know) against Coventry on the promise that he came and sat with me in the Riverside against Norwich the week after, It was.... an experience. Fortunately I got the better end of the bargain because we got the win against Norwich and they only managed a draw against soon to be relegated Coventry. I also made him walk the long way through the ground past all the elated fans to get out to make the experience even less pleasant for him, haha.

Might sound obvious but if anyone asks why you're not cheering if the Dingles score get your excuses in early, think of another team you can say you support or none at all and say you are watching as a neutral.

[Baz]

Just got home.

Great day, great atmosphere and 2 minutes away from a great result.

My seat was in the James Hargreaves stand, and was level witth the goalline, next to the Rovers fans. Just up from where all the idiots where stood.

Thought we got very lucky in the first half, as they dominated the game,running off the back of our midfield straight at our centre halves, both of whom i thought played very well today. Robinson was forced into 2 or 3 quality saves. when we did get posession we just punted it upfield which suited their centre halves. We looked glad when the ref blew for half time.

Second half was a totally different game, with us passing the ball about a lot more, and was pretty even. Then Joshua King came on and his pace and skill really turned the game in Rovers favour. Twisting and turning and pushing their defence back gave us more posession in vital areas. CKR hit a shot that looked to go very close, Formica blazed over when he hould have found a free man. Then out of notthing a good cross and a great header from Rhodes.

We should have gone on and dominated, but we started to be more and more defensive, Burnley started putting more and more forwards on, and just moments after someone told me Vokes was awful, he got a touch on to a floated freekick which seemed to arc over Robbo, and it was 1-1, which in Dingleland appears to be a victory.

Overall, probably a fair result, with both sides bossing a half each but its concerning that yet again we have conceeded a late equaliser.

After the game, it was the same old story, with the police and stewards trying to get a few idiots to go home. Personally i dont understand it, they werent trying to get to the Rovers fans, so I dont know what they where trying to acheive. I saw only 2 arrests i think, both after the Burnley goal.

Walked back through a what looked like a call of duty zone, wiith whole streets cordened off, thousands of police stood around looking bored, and a few locals darting between pubs. Didnt appear to be any trouble at all. I suppose both sets of fans where relieved, Rovers fans that the 34 years record is intact still, and T'dingles because they rescued a point in the last minute.will try to upload some piccies later.

[1864roverite]

One down two to go !

Morning manoevers into the oasis called dingleland began at 1015 sharp. After a command briefing at the home location, the trek into the wilderness began via Ewoodbehappys house where the "orders" were to be collected.

Catain Mike aka Preston Blue was at the helm, we left Ewoodbehappy to look after his own command centre, he had blagged the tv remote, banned his wife from the living room and banished her to the heat of the kitchen as she was demoted to culinary duties preparing a feast for family visitations later in the day. its true say that in true hero style, Ewoodbehappy sent us off with a good luck message and the blue and white ribbons were safely hidden. Capt Mike wore his lucky blue and white underkeckers whilst my badge of allegience was pinned on my heart as well as being tattooed on my arm.

In true stealth style, the incursion into the target area went smoothly without any real interaction with the enemy. A few trolls were seen on the road out of dingleland (known as the m65 highway), you could easily spot them as they wore this horrendous coloured top which is aptly named claret and poo. As we neared the target location central position we managed to evade detection from the local security in the form of Lancs Plod as well as the spotters from the enemy who were conspicuous by their "uniforms" which consisted of them all wearing the same coloured footwear ! Can anyone imagine an enemy all wearing the same coloured, claret and poo trainers ?

Capt Mike, encouraged by the current stealth status of the newly acquired Ford Focus breached enemy lines, passing the central location and then managed to safely secure the transport at an undisclosed location near the central target. thus allowing us an easy getaway should we be detected. Of course, in accordance with health and safety all relevant precautions were taken !

It was here that we encountered our first real problem, the locals. Clearly, being trolls they are easily identified. 6 fingers, large swollen faces and heads, hunched backs and small legs and of course always in groups of 10 or more. it was clear that Capt Mike and me could easily be discovered unless we could mingle amongst the locals. Success was made as we joined the queue for a hot drink and a pie at the end house on the terrace. I didnt see any health and safety certificates and it didnt exactly resemble a soup kitchen but we had the take the opportunity to try and mingle and allow a successful entry into dingledome, the primary objective. Having taken up a position flanking capt Mike, my intention was to try and grasp the local language/dialect as we were clearly the superior being. I considered our position but Mike successfully ordered coffee and a pie, although the troll behind the counter appeared to question our identity I managed to deflect her attention by asking for sugar which it duly obliged without further questionning and some said that fish have a small fraction of memory retention !

I noted at this point our current location and identified escape routes and other targets in the immediate area such as the local dingledome shop, the ticket office, the bookies and a stall that bore the appearance of a takeaway caravan as well as being a mansion for one of the local inbreeds. Still, we sought a bit of sanctuary in amongst the enemy lines in order to gain more intelligence on the ground. This proved difficult especially with the language barrier and the fact that the enemy appeared to move in large groups that consisted of old and young. Having managed to eat on the job, target one was established. the Bookies. The task was to infiltrate it, place a bet on Rovers to win and also to leave a series of messages on plain betting slips for the enemy in order to confuse them ands to let them know that their "fortress" as supported by the local security firm aka lancs plod could be penetrated by a far superior being, a Rovers fan without being detected.

Capt mike made the first move as I again took up a flanking position. Having entered without detection various betting slips were stratgically placed back amongst the blank ones. Messages such as "Rovers were here", "dingle scum", "Rovers to win 1-0 and Rhodes to score" were left as evidence that their hovel had been entered by the superior enemy from Blackburn. Stage 2 of that operation was completed as capt mike placed his bet and escaped without detection, the member of staff too slow to realise that Capt Mike had placed a bet on Rovers to beat the dingles.

Exit complete, the next task was to locate a member of the enemy who went by the name of bertie bee, a troll in disguise and one who continually gets away with winding up the Rovers fans when we last visited this hovel. Very quickly, after a quick recce on the arrivng Rovers fans, target was spotted and a quick flanking manoevre placed us both surrounding him. Our efforts to take him out completely were obstructed by the local families, and by chrsit there was a lot of them, who wanted the familiaral photographs taken with their hero (or was it peado). The task was therefore amended to simply ensure that photogrpahic evidence was obtained with Bertie and a Rovers fan together behind enemy lines. Due to capt mikes lightfooted manoevering I was able to secure the image and get it posted on twitter along with the betting slip evidence (see my twitter pages @warrenwarren126). So with that task completed, we embarked on securing entry into the dingledome ahead of the scheduled 1230 cut off point, again remaining undetected. This proved a little difficult, again as we had to at least make contact with an unsuspecting member of the local community to ensure the right access point was identified and espewcially as the local families were now in full force, grunting and chunting their way into the entry access areas. it was proving difficult to remain undetected, the lack of a 6 fingered glove being the main concern and the lack of wearing of the claret and poo footwear and clothing. capt Mike successfuly navigated the contact and an entry point was established. Again, the simple flanking manoevre undertaken by a far superior force, ensured successful entry was made, again without detection.

Once inside dingledome, things became a bit more hairy. It was hard to remain anonymous as myself and mike struggled with the local lingo. A quick brew and some intermingling under the stand was undertaken again the simple task being to remain undetected. We took up a position in the stand where the hordes of Blue and White fans could be seen and cewrtainly heard. It looked mightily impressive and loud. We still had to take up our secured position in the jimmy macilroy seating area so we made our way without any real challenges and took our seats.

Throughout the first 45 minutes of the spectacle before us I tried to make an unerstanding of the local grunts. There was one grunt that I couldnt really get my head around and it went like this.

"COME ON BUM ME". this was the repeated sound from the locals. Now, being of superior intelligence and intellect, I was sure that I wasnt down Canal Street or any other location where that type of behaviour carried on and I found it hard to uderstand they were begging for anal sex, bit whatever the reason, they continued right up until 20 minutes from the end of the entertainment. I must point out, with complete success we managed to remain undetected from the enemy and gave them no concern as me and Mike kept our hands in pockets !

That moment that the wonderful mr Rhodes stooped to head home sent me into meltdown. Oh how I wanted to give away my position with ultimate joy. However, composure was regained and a quick communication with Mike brought me down to earth. Again, and I cannot understand this, the enemy hordes respinded with the call of

"COME ON BUM ME"

I was wndering when Quentin Crisp, the fairy godmother and Elton John were all going to come forward and oblige, oh yes as well as the double glazing salesman and Bertie, in order to oblige their vocal requests. I would have liked Eltons autograph if he had made an appearance. Still, with Rovers leading as we approached zero hour, it became clear that the enemy were intent on razing the town to the ground once more so exit strategies were discussed.

A number of options remained but we decided on the simple, keep a low profile and all will be well. At the 60 second countdown began I meemoed to Mike that we should make off whilst the locals were praying and crying out for anal sex, this was going to be the only way that me and mike could be found out as we are both completely hetersexual when the enemy scored an equaliser out of the blue. This brought hordes of derision from the locals and appeared to whet their sexual appetite even more. there was hugging, stroking, kissing and yet again more calls for "COME ON BUM ME". Before exit was secured.

The game ended 1-1. me and capt endured 1 last mingling with the enemy until secure entry was made into the getaway car and having evaded detection, a rapid entry back into the light side of East Lancs was made prior to arriving safely at our home destination.

So, Rovers took a point. The 34 years of hurt continue for the enemy. Their will be some lucky punters in Corals who will pick up betting slips and find lovely messages from Rovers fans who didnt get kidnapped and have to travel under the dicatorship of the state security services and wonder what they mean.

There will almost probably be a KEANfest in dingleland tonight and an explosion in the local population in 9 months time.

One things for certain. If Canal Street ever try for an alternative option, then they can head over the dingleland where the cries of "COME ON BUM ME" are heard through every backstreet and alleyway around the dingledome.

Mission accomplished for now. 1 point is better than 0 and the fun we had at their expense was to behold.

COYB

[Tyrone Shoelaces]

Just got home.

Great day, great atmosphere and 2 minutes away from a great result.

My seat was in the James Hargreaves stand, and was level witth the goalline, next to the Rovers fans. Just up from where all the idiots where stood.

Thought we got very lucky in the first half, as they dominated the game,running off the back of our midfield straight at our centre halves, both of whom i thought played very well today. Robinson was forced into 2 or 3 quality saves. when we did get posession we just punted it upfield which suited their centre halves. We looked glad when the ref blew for half time.

Second half was a totally different game, with us passing the ball about a lot more, and was pretty even. Then Joshua King came on and his pace and skill really turned the game in Rovers favour. Twisting and turning and pushing their defence back gave us more posession in vital areas. CKR hit a shot that looked to go very close, Formica blazed over when he hould have found a free man. Then out of notthing a good cross and a great header from Rhodes.

We should have gone on and dominated, but we started to be more and more defensive, Burnley started putting more and more forwards on, and just moments after someone told me Vokes was awful, he got a touch on to a floated freekick which seemed to arc over Robbo, and it was 1-1, which in Dingleland appears to be a victory.

Overall, probably a fair result, with both sides bossing a half each but its concerning that yet again we have conceeded a late equaliser.

After the game, it was the same old story, with the police and stewards trying to get a few idiots to go home. Personally i dont understand it, they werent trying to get to the Rovers fans, so I dont know what they where trying to acheive. I saw only 2 arrests i think, both after the Burnley goal.

Walked back through a what looked like a call of duty zone, wiith whole streets cordened off, thousands of police stood around looking bored, and a few locals darting between pubs. Didnt appear to be any trouble at all. I suppose both sets of fans where relieved, Rovers fans that the 34 years record is intact still, and T'dingles because they rescued a point in the last minute.will try to upload some piccies later.

Well done matey, have you ever considered a career in the French Foeign Legion ?

[Ricky]

Are you sure you've got your twitter page right there??

[1864roverite]

corrected my friend @warrenwarren126

[bob fleming]

Brilliant 1864. Loved that!

[Mike Graham]

Twas a fine day in the Preston cum Chorley environs yesterday morning.....the song birds were out and the deer were off to sleep as I awoke excited at the prospect of a visit to see ancient man at play.

The SS Enterprise (rent-a-car) was stocked up with cattle prods, shark sticks and Manns Brown Ale ready for the intrepid trip to ancient lands. A quick sortie to pick up 1864roverite from "The Mansion" and a similar short visit to see Ewoodbehappy (of "Kean is a turd fame") to pick up our tickets and expose our blue/white underpants in the street.

SS Enterprise was without satnav; but it did not matter. For those of you who have had the unfortunate and never to forget experience of rotting flesh will know it permeates for many miles. In between listening to the Macc Lads version of "Beer, Sex and Chips" (try it) we cracked open the car window and let our noses act as a satnav and follow that stench of rotting flesh.

We even saw the odd chariot (where did they found out about round wheels?), which were mounted by people who looked somewhat similar to their steeds. We parked up outside a mudhut hovel and were greeted by a local you uttered something like: who the Kean are you, neber seen you arond here before, give me £2 and you can Kean my sister, mother, dog, squirrell, hamster, brother.....give me £5 and you can have the lot in one go. 1864 was sorely tempted until I pointed out the nearest hospital that deals in tropical dieases is in Liverpool and he faced an almost 100% risk of catching herpes/gangrene/berri berri/clap/the sh!ts etc; that was a close call.

We visited a place called coral's where the locals were spending large amounts of their hard earned dole money on a horse called Austin; I put my cash on a Rovers win and was looked upon by the serving wench as if I were a man from outerspace; then she offered me her body.....these locals must be desperate.....for cash and a bit of upper class Kean like me .

So into their Barney Rubble (McIlroy) Stand. What an experience, the builders were still fitting the chains and manacles ready in case any of them got too excited. The game was little to write home about, the abiding memories were of the numerous offers I had for sex during the game; indeed I intend to download my photos (is this allowable Mods) of families in various points of copulation in the stands, the toilets (apparently a particular favourite), and over the seats. All of this was happening with a backdrop of : COME ON BUM ME from 18,000 locals, it was frightening, thank god they did not pull my trousers down to reveal my blue/white underkeks.

We survived! We penetrated them....and they failed to penetrate us

[Ozz]

[Gav]

"What the ******* *** is that"

[Mike Graham]

Bertie Bummer tried to insert his left fingers (x6) up my Kean

[1864roverite]

Thanks Ozzie, I havent the foggiest on how to get that pic on the site. Maybe you could also lift one or two others that I put on twitter !

Capt Mike keaned by Bertie the dingle !!!

[Ozz]