[Archived] Friday Funnies

[PABBY]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he politely asked:

"What are you up to there young Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied nancy tearfully without looking up "and I have just buried him."

The neighbour was very concerned,

"That's a very big hole for a goldfish, Nancy."

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt before replying,

"Thats because my goldfish is inside your fu**ing cat!"

[Rovermatt]

Two goldfish in a tank: one says to the other, "I'll man the guns, you drive."

[ABBEY]

The big-game hunter walked into the bar and bragged to everyone about his skills as a hunter.

The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that.

But then he said that he could recognize any animal's skin by feeling it, and he could tell what caliber rifle was used to shoot it by locating the bullet hole.

This was a bit too much for the other customers, and soon a heated argument started.

The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and the bet was on.

They blindfolded him and took him to his first animal skin.

After feeling it for a few moments, he announced, "Springbok." Then he felt for the bullet hole and declared, "And it was shot with a .22 rifle."

He was right!

The others could not believe it and the argument was even hotter than before.

When someone suggested that he must have peeped, he said that he was prepared to do it again for another round.

So they blindfolded him again, very thoroughly this time, and they brought a skin that someone happened to have in the trunk of his car.

He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Kalahari Lion." Fingering the bullet hole, he added, "The rifle was a .308."

He was right again!

This only made the crowd more curious, and he had to prove his skills over and over again, every time winning a round of drinks.

Finally he staggered home, bombed out of his mind, and went to sleep.

The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner.

So he said to his wife, "Listen, I know I was drunk last night, but not too drunk to know that I didn't get into a fight. So where did I get this black eye?"

His wife replied angrily, "From me!"

"What did I do?" he asked.

She replied, "You got into bed and put your hand inside my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and announced, "Skunk, killed with an ax!"

[andy82]

proof that football manager is as relaistic as your gonna get:

link

[colin]

Free computer screen cleaning

[Nayef]

Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed. "What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St.Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm de ad? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You

can choose on your own..."

Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life.

Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered.

But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was

gonna blow........then along came the rooster.

"Hey, you must

be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"

"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"

"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.

"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good!"

So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better

believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're sh1tting all over the bed!"

[Tango]

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HER

8. 15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8. 30 Weigh in 2Kg lighter than yesterday.

8. 45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants -

open presents - expensive jewellery chosen by thoughtful partner.

9. 15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil.

10. 00 Light work out at club with sexy funny personal trainer.

10. 30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, condition, blow dry.

12. 00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe.

12. 45 Catch sight of partner's ex and notices she has gained 17kg.

1. 00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit.

3. 00 Nap.

4. 00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret

admirer.

4. 15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but

gentle hunk, who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

5. 30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before

full length mirror.

7. 30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments

received from other diners/dancers.

10. 00 Hot shower (alone).

10:50 Carried to bed . . . (freshly ironed, crisp, new, white linen).

11. 00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

11. 15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.

THE PERFECT DAY - FOR HIM

6. 00 Alarm.

6. 15 Blow job.

6. 30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section.

7. 00 Breakfast: rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast, all cooked by naked, buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler.

7. 30 Limo arrives.

7. 45 Several Beers en-route to airport.

9. 15 Flight in personal Lear Jet.

9. 30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route).

9. 45 Play front nine - 2 under.

11. 45 Lunch - Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers.

12. 15 Blow job.

12. 30 Play back nine - 4 under.

2. 15 Limo back to the airport (Several whiskys).

2. 30 Fly to Monte Carlo

3. 30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew, (all nude).

4. 30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs) - on light tackle.

5. 00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle McPherson (bending over.. naturally).

6. 45 ######, Shower and Shave.

7. 00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated; cannabis legalised.

7. 30 Dinner: lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy fillet steak followed by Ice-cream served on a big pair of tits.

9. 00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigar in front of wall-size TV as you watch match of the day; Liverpool beating Chelsea 8-0 (champions league).

9. 30 Sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies... some bending over).

11. 00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing ale.

11. 30 A night cap blow job.

11. 45 In bed alone.

11. 50 A 22 second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

11. 51 Laugh yourself to sleep.

[ally]

add the missing letters for * in this joke

Teacher says to the class "what does your dad do at weekends?"

Little jack "he's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his a**e and c*m in his mouth

Teacher pulling little jack aside "is this true?

Little jack "No Miss, truth is he goes to watch Man U, but im too embarrased to say"

[Eddie]

Quality joke Nayef.

[fee]

I was arrested in B&Q today.

I was standing in the gardening section, minding me own business, when a bloke came up to me and asked if i wanted decking....

....so i got the first punch in!

[Parasyte]

Three couples went to a sex therapist to enhance their non-existant sex life. They were all treated, and tol to report back in one week with a report.

The first couple loved each other, but had different ideas in the bedroom

"We took your advice, and let each other have their own way for a night. We both learned a lot about each others tastes, and now enjoy the full spectrum of love-making"

And so they left happy and content.

The second couple loved each other dearly, but didnt find each other physically attractive. Again, they reported back.

"We spent three days away from each other, and when we met, the long-lost lust for each other took a hold, and we had the best sex of our lives, and realised facial looks arnt everything". And so couple two left happily.

Then the husband from third couple came in, looking grim, with the report. The wife was eager to try anal sex, but her husband found it repulsive.

"What happened?" Asked the therapist "Did my therapy not alter your views on anal sex?"

"Oh yes" the man replied "I looked forward to it, but I feel terrible"

"Why?"

"I pounced my wife when she was bending over to pick up a can of paint"

"Oh well, lust can be powerful, and can ruin the experience"

"Oh no, the experience was lovely"

"Then whats the problem"

"We were in Homebase at the time"

[PABBY]

An adorable little girl, all blonde curls and blue eyes, walks into a pet shop and says in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper's heart melts. He says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, a thoft and furry bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She says, "I don't fink my python weally gives a f**k!"

[Cocker]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and

most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the

bartender, says "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.

He falls flat on his face. "######" he says and pulls himself

up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can

just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls

to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head

outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face.

"Bi' Jesus... I'm fookin' fooked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door

and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his

bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?".

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was well pished. But how'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[1864roverite]

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that

> > >>her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible!" says the

>doctor.

> > >>"Show me."

> > >>The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her leftbreast and screams,

> > >>then she pushes her elbow andscreams in even more agony.

> > >>She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and

> > >>screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

> > >>The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead,are you?"

> > >>"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

> > >>"I thought so," the doctor says.

> > >>"Your finger is broken!"

>

[Jim J]

I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in the cellar and my wife insisted I empty the contents of each bottle down the sink, or else...

After careful consideration, I reluctantly agreed and finally proceeded with the unpleasant task.

I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

Then, I withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank.

I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.

Then, I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.

When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under the affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am.

I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.

[PABBY]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto just crossed Death Valley. They're hot, they're tired, and they both want a beer. So they hitch Silver up outside the saloon and walk inside to have a drink.

After a couple minutes a man walks in and says "Who owns that silver horse out there?"

The Lone Ranger says, "I do, why?

The man says, "That horse looks like it's about to have heat stroke. You'd better cool it off."

The Lone Ranger looks at Tonto and says, "Tonto, be a sport and go cool Silver off. Try running in circles to create a breeze or something while I finish my beer."

Tonto gives the Lone Ranger a dirty look, then goes outside.

A few more minutes go by, and another man walks in and asks, "Hey, who owns that silver horse out there?"

The Lone Ranger looks up from his second beer and says, "I do, why?"

The guy says, "I think you left your Injun running."

[American]

Back in the old west, the cavalry is fighting the indians. One brutal battle sees most of the indians slaughtered. The cavalry captain goes up to the chief and tells him he's going to be nice and let him free. The chief goes and gets re-enforcements who go back and slaughter the cavalry.

They run into the captain, still alive, and the chief says, "You were nice to me, but I'm not going to be that stupid. I'll grant you 3 requests."

The captain replies, "Ok, I'd like to make my first one to talk to my horse."

Chief looks at him a little weird and says, "Hey, your wish, whatever."

He goes and whispers something in the horse's ear, and the horse leaves. It comes back about an hour later, with this gorgeous blonde, naked riding the horse. Chief says, "Wow, if you can do that, you can use my tent!!"

Captain goes into the tent with the woman, comes back out about 1/2 hour later, hitches up his pants says, "Ok, second request, like to talk to my horse again."

Chief responds, "whatever."

Captain goes and whispers something into the horse's ear. Horse leaves, comes back with a gorgeous red head nude on the horse. Chief just stands there open mouthed points to the tent and says, "tent."

Captain comes back out an hour later, hitches up his pants. "Like to talk to my horse again." He walks up to the horse, looks him in the eye, and just loud enough for only the horse to hear says, "OK, read my lips this time. I said POSSE."

[adopted scouser]

Went out to my local Indian last night for a curry, and tried this dish called a Chicken Tarka

It's like a Chicken Tikka, but a little 'otter

[colin]

Went out to my local Indian last night for a curry, and tried this dish called a Chicken Tarka

It's like a Chicken Tikka, but a little 'otter

326605[/snapback]

You're fired.

[adopted scouser]

You're fired.

326632[/snapback]

[JC4LAB]

Rooney has asked for Fergie to bring Sir Clive Woodward as a coach..He's trained some of Englands best hookers

[Shevchenko]

A battle of Britain pilot is reminiscing with school children about his days in the air force.

"In 1940," he says, "the situation was really tough. The Germans had a very strong air force. I remember, " he continues, "one day I was protecting the airfields and suddenly, out of the clouds, these fokkers appeared.

At this point, several of the children began to giggle.

"I looked up, and right above me was one of them. I aimed at him and shot him down. They were swarming. I immediately realized that there was another fokker behind me."

At this point the girls in the school hall start to giggle and boys start to laugh. The teacher stands up and says, "I think I should point out that 'Fokker' was the name of the German-Dutch aircraft company"

"That's true," says the pilot, "but these fokkers were flying Messerschmits."

[Simon Says]

Dave the Scouser is touring America on holiday and stops in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He's chatting to the barman when he spies an old Indian sitting in a corner-complete with full tribal gear, long plaits and wrinkles.

"Who's he?" asks Dave.

"That's the Memory Man," says the barman.

"He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out."

So Dave wanders over and asks: "Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?"

"Liverpool," replies the Memory Man.

The tourist is amazed.

"Who did they beat?"

"Leeds," comes the reply.

"And the score?"

"2-1."

Dave tries something more specific.

"Who scored the winning goal?"

The Indian does not even blink:

"Ian St John."

The Liverpudlian returns home and regales his relatives and friends with his tale, and he's determined to return and pay his respects to this amazing man.

Ten years later he has saved enough money and returns to America. After weeks of searching through the towns of Nevada, Dave finds the Memory Man in a cave in the mountains.

The Scouser steps forward, bows and greets the Indian in his traditional native tongue: "How."

The Memory Man squints at him and says:

"Diving header in the six-yard box."

[Shevchenko]

The Afrika Korps was plagued by supply problems. In particular, the demands for POL. ammo and rations were so great that fresh uniforms were virutally unknown. One day the Hauptmann called his company together and said "I have good news and bad news! First the good news -- everybody is going to get a change of clothing!"

The men all cheered enthusiastically!

The Hauptmann continued, "Now the bad news! Hans, you change with Fritz. Conrad, you change with ..."

[American]

Guy with 2 broken arms and 2 broken legs goes up to a brothel. He has casts on all 4 limbs. The madam answers the door, looks at him and says, "How can we help YOU?" He replies, "well, I did ring the doorbell."