[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Cocker]

CLICK

[Flopsy]

some truths about Chuck Norris

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but

because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the

information he wants.

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds

till." After you ask, "Two seconds till what?" he roundhouse kicks you

in the face.

Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related

deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another

fist.

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a

pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure

more pirates to him.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck

said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came

back

five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw

it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry

sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a

roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger; it is

actually a list of people that Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked in the face

that

day.

If you unscramble the letters in "Chuck Norris" you get "Huck corn,

sir." That is why every fall, Chuck travels to Nebraska and burns the

entire state down.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot

broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart

while

she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.

Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead

decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter

he grew a beard.

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from

cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also

requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat

on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the

JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his

beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and

unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was

finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his

soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and

admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every

second Wednesday of the month.

A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck

Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned

beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and

saying "booya".

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by

yelling, "Bang!"

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on

Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His

reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris often asks people to pull his finger. When they do, he

roundhouses them in the abdomen. Then he farts.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are

trademarked names for his left and right legs.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck

Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that

Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact

tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours.

If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my

virginity." then you are dead wrong.

[jim mk2]

See this morning's front page headline in the Sun.

[roversmum]

Maybe not strictly a 'Funny', but Mr Roversmum and I are still chuckling.

Was watching an edition of the house-buying programme 'Under The Hammer' a couple of weeks ago, when a house from Burnley came up.

The house had very little left of its floor. Upon enquiring, the local estate agent said that it was common to see missing floors in houses of this type in Burnley, as it had been made of some sort of slate which was quite valuable, therefore the floors were frequently stolen.

The agent commented that he had once had a complete wall stolen from a house he was selling.

The house was duly auctioned and the buyer from Manchester was pleased with his purchase and announced he would be renovating the house.

Later in the programme, we saw the return of the presenter to see how things were going at the house. The buyer had not been able to completely renovate the house because it had been broken into three times and materials stolen.

It was the best laugh I've had in ages, even the presenter had difficulty in keeping a straight face!

[Grabbi Graeme]

I read this in either Nuts or Zoo and is taken from the best football quotes of the year.

"Ive been very busy, I have today been playing in a charity match for a boy who was injured in a road accident and Ive driven like a lunatic to get here"

Ray Houghton

[adopted scouser]

I don't usually like 'cut and paste' but this is quite a read !

Every year, the U.S. F.B.I. is asked to investigate over 36,000 serious crimes including murder / homicide. And every year the Homicide Investigations Unit puts out its "Top 20 Homicides of the Year". The 1996 Top 20 was as follows:

20. Alex Mijtus, 36 years old, was killed by his wife, armed with a 20 inch long vibrator. Mrs Mijtus had had enough of her husband's strange sex practices and one night during a prolonged period of "fun" she snapped,pushing all 20 inches of the vibrator into Alex's anus until it ruptured several internal organs and caused severe bleeding.

19. Debby Mills-Newbroughton, 99 years old, was killed as she crossed the road. She was to turn 100 the next day but, crossing the road with her daughter to go to her own birthday party, her wheel chair was hit by the truck delivering her birthday cake.

18. Peter Stone, 42 years old, was murdered by his eight year old daughter, who he had just sent to her room with no dinner. Young Samantha Stone felt that if she couldn't have dinner no one should, and she promptly inserted 72 rat poison tablets into her father's coffee as he prepared dinner. The victim took one slip and promptly collapsed (Samantha Stone was given a suspended sentence as the judge felt she didn't realize what she was doing, until she tried to poison her mother using the same method one month later).

17. David Danil, 17 years old, was killed by his girlfriend Charla after he attempted to "have his way with her". His unwelcome advances were met with a prompt kick in the chest and then four shots from a doubled barrelled shot gun Charla's father had given to her an hour before the date started, just in case.

16. Javier Halos, 27 years old, was killed by his landlord for failing to pay his rent for eight years (yes, eight years). Landlord Kirk Weston clubbed the victim to death with a toilet seat after he realized just how long it had been since Mr Halos paid his rent.

15. Mary-Lee Cooper, 11 years old, was killed by her one year old sister who climbed on top of her while she was sleeping, suffocating her.

14. Megan Fri, 44 years old, was killed by 14 state troopers after she wandered onto a live firing, fake town simulation. Seeing the troopers all walking slow down the street, Megan jumped out in front of them and yelled, "Boo!" The troopers, thinking she was a pop up target, fired 67 shots between them, over 40 of them hitting their target. "She just looked like a very real looking target," one of the troopers stated in his report

13. Fiona Given, 17 years old, was killed by a hit man hired by her ex-boyfriend after she broke off their relationship. The hit man was promised to be paid ?500,000 for the task. The hit man killed the boyfriend after he found out that a 16 year old high school student, whose father was in jail for rape and whose mother worked as an ironing lady, didn't have access to ?500,000.

12. Louis Zaragoza, 68 years old, was killed as he prepared to drive to work. His wife, Lee Zaragoza, had been plotting to kill him for over a year,and had cut the brakes on his car four times previously. On this attempt, Lee was just about to cut the brakes again when Louis snuck up behind her. He grabbed her and spun her around. As he did, she lost her footing and stumbled into him, stabbing him in the lower ventricle of the heart, killing him instantly.

11. Mahmood Foli, 22 years old, was killed by an unknown member of the Russian Mafia after he accidentally took away the gangster's drink too soon at the nightclub he worked in. The gangster was so upset that he forced the waiter to drink over 27 litres of Coca Cola (the drink he had taken away) until Mahmood drowned.

10. Julia Smeeth, 20 years old, was killed by her brother Michael because she talked on the phone too long. Michael clubbed his sister to death with a cordless phone, then stabbed her several times with the broken aerial.

9. Helena Simms, wife of the famous American Nuclear Scientist Harold Simms, was killed by her husband after she had an affair with the neighbour. Over a period of three months, Harold substituted Helena's eye shadow with a uranium composite that was highly radioactive, until she died of radiation poisoning. Although she suffered many symptoms, including total hair loss,skin welts, blindness, extreme nausea and even had an ear lobe drop off, the victim never attended a doctor's surgery or hospital for a check up.

8. Military Sargent John Joe Winter killed his "two timing wife" by loading her car with Trintynitrate explosive (similar to C4). The Ford Taurus she was driving was filled with 750 kilograms of explosive, forming a force twice as powerful as the Oklahoma Bombing. The explosion was witnessed by several persons, some up to 14 kilometres away. No trace of the car or the victim were ever found, only a 55 metre deep crater and 500 metres of missing road.

7. Patty Winter, 35 years old, was killed by her neighbour in the early hours of a Sunday morning. Her neighbour, Falt Hame, for years hada mounted F6 phantom jet engine in his rear yard. He would fire the jet engine, aimed at a empty block at the back of his property. Patty Winter would constantly complain to the local sheriff's officers about the noise and the potential risk of fire. Mr Hame was served with a notice to remove the engine immediately. Not liking this, he invited Miss Winter over "for a cup of coffee and a chat" about the whole situation. What Winter didn't know was that he had changed the position of the engine. As she walked into the yard, he activated it, hitting her with a blast of 5000 degrees, killing her instantly, and forever burning her outline into the driveway.

6. Michael Lewis, angry at his gay boyfriend, used the movie 'Die Hard With a Vengeance' as his inspiration. He drugged his boyfriend, Tony Berry,into an almost catatonic state, then dressed him only in a double sided white board that read "Death to all niggers!" on one side and "God love the K.K.K." on the other. Lewis then drove the victim to downtown Harlem and dropped him off. Two minutes later Berry was deceased.

5. Jay Newton was killed after a co-worker at Sea World in Florida dropped a 20 tonne killer whale on him. The whale had been hoisted out of his tank by a Master Tonne Crane, when the victim swam underneath to inspect the harness. His colleague, Brian Hartley, released the whale, crushing the victim instantly (and emptying a quarter of the water from the pool).

4. Carl Densinter, 34 years old, was killed by a fellow worker trying to prove a point. The worker, San Amote Pet, disconnected the internal landing gear settings on a Boeing 747 test plane (the plane's gear automatically retracts after take off). But come landing time, the landing gear wouldn't re-engage. The helpless Densinter couldn't do a thing as the plane eventually ran out of fuel. In an attempt at an emergency landing, the 747 exploded and Densinter was killed instantly.

3. Mary Dridely, Joseph Coles and Haven Gillies were killed as they walked past a New York apartment building. David Smee, aged 7, and his 6 year old sister were left alone in their 27th floor hotel room by their parents as they went to the hotel's gaming room. Bored, the kids though it would be fun to try to squish the "ant looking things on the foot path below" (people). They started by throwing fruit, then quickly graduated to chairs, televisions, even the drawers from the bedroom dresser.

2. Conrad Middleton, 26 years old, was killed by his twin brother Brian after a disagreement over who should take the family home after their parents passed away. Conrad had a nasal problem and had no sense of smell. After the argument, Brian stormed out of the house, then snuck back later,and turned on the three gas taps in the house, filling it with gas. He then left out a box of cigars, a lighter and a note saying, "Sorry for the spree, have a puff on me. Brian." Conrad promptly lit a cigar, destroying the house and himself in the process.

1. Gail Queens, 23 years old, was killed by her zoo keeper boyfriend Matthew Kellaway after she refused sex. He 'invited her' to the zoo to see the lions feeding, and at feeding time led her into a room that had a large slide away panel. He explained to her that it was a large glass viewing window to watch the lions devour their prey. He 'ducked out for a quick smoke' and locked her in the room. Suddenly the slide away panel opened to reveal many people staring at her. She was just about to yell and tell them that they were on the wrong side of the glass when she realized that it was her on the wrong side. Another panel opened and three hungry lions were let into the pen. Gail survived for two days in hospital before dying of massive internal injuries.

Merry Christmas

[fee]

Liverpool Football Club are on the look out for some new talent and send a scout to Bosnia where they find a fantastic new player and bring him back with them.

In his first game, he scores a hat-trick and the fans love him. When he gets home he decides to phone his mum and give her the good news, but when she answers she immediately starts crying.

When he asks what the matter is, she replies, ‘Well, this morning your sister was beaten up by a street gang, then your little brother was savaged by wild dogs while playing football in the street. After that your dad was shot by a sniper and I was mugged and beaten up while shopping.’

The guy is gobsmacked. ‘Mum, what can I say? I’m so sorry.’

‘Sorry?!’ she shouts. ‘It’s your fault we moved to Liverpool!’

[EIEIEIO]

Anyone make it to waves on boxing day for the tunsami special?

[fee]

A Man United fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man United shirt. Arriving at the top of the ethereal staircase, he knocks on the pearly gates – and out walks St Peter in a City scarf.

‘I'm sorry, mate,’ says St Peter, ‘No Man United fans in Heaven.’

‘What?’ exclaims the man, astonished.

‘You heard, no Man United fans.’

‘But, but … I've been a good man,’ replies the Man United supporter.

‘Oh, really,’ says St Peter. ‘What have you done, then?’

‘Well,’ said the guy, ‘A month before I died, I gave £10 to the starving children in Africa.’

‘Oh,’ says St Peter, ‘Anything else?’

‘Well, two weeks before I died I also gave £10 to the homeless.’

‘Hmmm. Anything else?’

‘Yeah. On the way home yesterday, I gave £10 to the Albanian orphans.’

‘Okay,’ said St. Peter, ‘You wait here a minute while I have a word with the Boss.’ Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns, and looks the fan straight in the eye.

‘I've had a word with God and he agrees with me,’ he says. ‘Here's your £30 back – now fook off!’

[PABBY]

A man, his wife and his mother-in-law went on holiday to Jerusalem. During the holiday, the mother in law passed away.

An undertaker was found and proceeded to explain, "You can ship your mother-in-law back to England for 5 grand or you could have her buried in the Holy Land for 150 quid!"

The man thought about it for a few moments, then decided to ship her back to England.

"Why would you spend 5 grand shipping her back to England when you could have her buried in the Holy Land for only 150 quid?" exclaimed the undertaker.

The husband replied, "A long time ago a man died here, he was buried here and then he came back to life here. I just can't take that chance!"

[Flopsy]

Far right, fifth row down...

clicky clicky

surely not

[S15]

Demetrius Breedlove!!

[cletus]

Far right, fifth row down...

clicky clicky

surely not

374257[/snapback]

A most amusing find!

(i`ll not ask what you were googling for )

[bb3]

A scouser walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the

counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really

rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We

just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a

chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your

clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to

escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her

sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The

starting salary is £200,000 a year plus a generous pension scheme"

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

[ABBEY]

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local pubs

to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many

females use a date rape drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes

in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by

female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims

to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to

consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings

attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers,

men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific looking

women whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking beer,

men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to

them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something

bad" occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's

savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme

cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male

into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as

"marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is

administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall

victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male

support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking

encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you,

just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book

[Glenn]

A most amusing find! 

(i`ll not ask what you were googling for  )

374289[/snapback]

Me thinks Mr Flopsy probably subscribes to the fantastic celeb shredding mailing list that is Holy Moly (Warning, contains LOTS of VERY bad langauge, and often links to rude pictures, but normally with a warning). It was part of this weeks mail out.

[adopted scouser]

This was apparently in the Washington Post... headline "Best Come Back

Line Ever."

In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white

male resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch 11:38 p.m. on Friday.

Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public

indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on

Monday.

The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided

to stop.

"You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one

around for miles.

At least I thought there wasn't,"he stated in a phone interview.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road,

picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a

hole in it, and

proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."

"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident

embarrassment.

In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County

police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer

Brenda Taylor approached him.

"That was an unusual situation,that's for sure," said officer Taylor "I

walked up to Lawrence and he's...just pumping away at this pumpkin."

Taylor went

on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence.

"I just went up and said, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that

you're having sex with a pumpkin?". "

He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then

looked me straight in the face and said .

"A pumpkin? F*** me, is it midnight already?"

[Jim J]

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night.

The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

None of them knew anything about it……

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night.

The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a mate’s house.

The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that

he was still there ….

[Grabbi Graeme]

Sky Letter

Re: IMPORTANT VIEWING ANNOUNCEMENT

Dear Mr .......

You may recently have read in the press or watched television broadcast regarding the current disaster which has caused pain and suffering to millions worldwide.

We at SKY TV are aiming to help the burden on these poor, unfortunate, ill bred individuals the best way we can.

Our programmers, schedulers & marketing people have held countless meeting over the last few days and the outcome is as follows:

All future Manchester United Champions League games will now be shown on Ch522 – THE HISTORY CHANNEL

We hope this helps all the retards that you know.

Kindest regards

Sky Television

[Jim J]

The offside rule explained for girls

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till. Behind the shop

assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which

you must have.

The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them

with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be totally rude to push in front of the first woman if you had

no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop

and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, then walk round the other

shopper and buy the shoes.

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and,

*whilst it is in flight* you could nip around the other shopper, catch

the purse and buy the shoes.

Always remembering that until the purse has *actually been thrown* it

would be plain wrong to be forward of the other shopper.

There you go poppet

[Grabbi Graeme]

A couple off the Dave Spikey DVD.

I took my grandad who is a bit deaf for a game of bowls and he bowled the jack and when it stopped he asked a guy who was passing how far the jack was from the edge.

The guy replied "your a foot off the front"

Grandad asks "What did he just call me?"

A man is in intensive care with tubes stuck in him and a oxygen mask on.

as a nurse is wiping his forehead he opens his eyes.

The man asks "are my testicles black"

The nurse is shocked and goes to get a senior nurse.

Senior nurse arrives and asks the man the problem.

Man says again" Are my testicles black , can you have a look for me "

The senior nurse pulls back the sheets and the mans pjarma bottoms and grabs the mans testicles and says "there you go have look there nice and pink and healthy so lets not have anymore messing about"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says " no I said are my test results back"

[colin]

hooked

beef

oil

whale

get Granny to read these words out in reverse order.

Courtesy of Maureen Lipman in The Guardian.

[Manchester Blue]

Final Score from the African Nations cup:

Egypt 8 Ethiopia didn't.

[Cocker]

Fan in celtic tracksuit invades the pitch and pretends to warm up with the under 19 team!! very funny!

Click

[cletus]

Q...Where does Kylie Minogue buy her kebabs?

.

.

.

.

A...Jason`s Donner Van