[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Cheshireblue]

Jason's donner van used to be outside the main students Union building in Durham every friday and saturday night. It always made me smile.

Not a joke as such, but I thought I'd point it out.

[Ozz]

Well played.

[fee]

A woman rushes into the foyer of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk.

Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for service. The receptionist slowly puts down the phone.

‘Yes?’ he says, wearily.

‘Excuse me,’ says the woman, ‘But I’m in a frightful hurry. Could you check me out, please?’

The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. ‘Not bad,’ he smiles. ‘Not bad at all.’

[Rovers Air Force]

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than French, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiation , and strongly lobbied by the German government and the new member Austria, Her Majesty’s Government conceded that the English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year plan that will be know as ‘ EuroEnglish’.

In the first year,‘s’ will replace the soft ‘c’. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard ‘c’ will be dropped in favour of the ‘k’. This should klear up confusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing public enthusiasm in the second year when the troublesome ‘ph’ will be replaced with ‘f’. This will make words like ‘fotograf’ 20% shorter.

In the third year, public akseptance of the new spellin kan be expected to reach a stage were more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will encourage the removal of the double letter, which has always been a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horrible mes of the silent ‘e’s in the language is disgraceful and they should go away.

By the fourth year, people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing ‘th’ with ‘z’ and ‘w’ with ‘v’. During ze fify year, ze unesesary ‘o’ kan be dropd from vords containing ‘ou’ and simslar changes vud of kors be alid to ozer kominations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil flnd it ezi tu understand ech ozer. ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!

[blue/white]

ROBOT BARTENDER

Robot Bartender

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender.

The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him,

"What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the robot proceeds to make conversation about

global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry,

environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, and

sexual proclivities.

The customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He

decides to test the robot.

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes back in for another

drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectlty prepared drink and

asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responds, "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time, about football,

NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns, and women's

breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and decides to give the robot

one more test. He heads out and returns, the robot serves him and asks,

"What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I think."

And the robot says... real slowly.... "So,............... ya gonna vote

for Bush again?"

[grizfoot]

[cletus]

Is that Arsenals away kit for next season?

[Presty On Tour]

why couldn't the bicycle stand up??

because it was 2 tyred!!!!

a cheap chuckle of a penguin chocolate bar rapper

[Cocker]

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss ma rk from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You Fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect Order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and When she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"

Broken Coffee Table $39.99

Hot Breakfast $4.20

Two Aspirins $.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time . . PRICELESS!!!

[Cocker]

You'll need sound for this one:

The 25-year-old Kim phoned in to take part in a scheme called "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not," in which callers who suspected their lovers of fooling around behind their backs gave Andy Savage, the radio presenter, contact information and he employed various ruses to try to catch out the straying sweethearts. Kim had been going out with a man named Greg for about a year, she said. Since Greg lived in Duluth, which was quite a distance away (over 150 miles) from Kim's home near Minneapolis, they saw each other only on weekends. Alarm bells should have been going off already, but Kim swore she had "absolutely no reason" to suspect Greg had been messing around on her. "I know he loves me," she told Savage quite confidently. ("Then this is going to be boring," Savage quipped in reply.)

http://www.andysavage.com/audioPop.asp?a=1347

[SuperStella]

Arsenal defender Sol Campbell has issued a "come and get me" plea to Charlton Manager Alan Curbishley after hearing that Wednesday nights goal scorers were Young and Bent.

[Ste B]

Those of a nervous disposition or who are easily offended should not CLICK HERE

[bb3]

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss

program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a

voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of

Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as

a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads: "If you can

catch me, you can have me." Without a second thought, he takes off after

her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and

has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and

the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is

delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The

next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning,

beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing

nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads:

"If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her

like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to

catch her; but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp

and wheeze, so for the next four days, the same routine happens. Much to

his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he

has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50

pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone -

"This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I

haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds

this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink

running shoes and a sign around his neck that read:

"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...

[Grabbi Graeme]

This appears in this weeks Nuts magazine

Q Robbie Savage and Craig Bellamy have a fight to the death

who wins?

A Mankind

[Paul]

Tesco........Every Little Helps

[Simon Says]

"The Manchester City Blues"

To the tune of Wonderwall.

Today will be another day, I wish I'd never been a blue,

I'm sure we saw it all before when we went down to division 2,

I don't believe that any team has played the way we do,

Apart from Slough,

Last week we had a bad defeat that we really should have done without,

Felt sure that we were gonna score, but again we left the field with nowt,

I don't believe that Bill Shank-er-ley could stop us going down,

Nor could Don Howe,

All the roads to Wemb-er-ley are winding,

We ain't got any silverware for shining,

We haven't won a single thing for over 20 years,

And we won't do now,

'Cos maybe, we should have got Liam Brady,

But after all we got Alan Ball,

Today were gonna be the day that I thought we'd sign someone new,

But the deal crashed, not enough cash, and he'd only ever played for Crewe,

I don't believe that anyone would sign in there right mind anyhow,

And all the shots we have on goal go wider,

No one ever seems to play a blinder,

There are many teams that i would love to see us beat,

But I can't see how,

'Cos maybe, we should of got Richard Madeley,

But after all we got Alan Ball..................

[PABBY]

Brian came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep himself.

When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.

"Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?".

The mysterious man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead?!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family .... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."

Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground.

"This ain't so bad" he thought, until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?"

"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".

"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that happened to him .... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...

"Brian, wake up you drunken b*s***d, you've sh*t the bed!!"

[adopted scouser]

I'm too good to you lot.

[Presty On Tour]

ive stripped them all

best game ive played in a while cheers adopted scouser

could be an idea blackburn could introduce, wot about cheerleaders

[ABBEY]

  adopted scouser said:

I'm too good to you lot.

385480[/snapback]

me too

[cletus]

....hmmm, funny, they wouldn`t make my tea

[ABBEY]

try breakfast

[Bing]

There should be more commentators like this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Th9S8NGX91I&search=gerrard

[Rovermatt]

It may have been posted already but never mind eh?

Mr. T speaks only when necessary. His main form of communication is

folding his arms and slowly shaking his head. And regardless of the

situation, he is always understood.

Mr. T invented fools. Realizing the magnitude of his folly, he then

created Pity.

There are only four horsemen of the apocalypse, because Mr. T is going

to walk.

Mr.T once punched Chuck Norris at the exact moment he roundhouse kicked

Mr.T in the chest. - the result was the 80's.

23. That's the number of people Mr. T has pitied in the time it has

taken you to read this sentence.

Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of

the concept of infinity.

You have only seen Mr. T in human form. In Narnia, he is a T. Rex with a

lion's tail hanging out of his mouth.

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through

doors.

Mr. T once pitied the sun. The ice age followed.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in

the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black

screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

Mr. T is not black. It's just that the sun is to afraid to shine on him.

Mr. T once rocked the Casbah. Which explains why there is no longer a

Casbah.

Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Behind that woman is

Mr.T.

In 1995, Mr. T was diagnosed with B-cell lymphoma but he pitied his own

fool cells until the disease turned into T-cell lymphoma. Upon closer

inspection by doctors, the cancerous T-cells now had mohawks, gold

chains around their nucleus and were tired of the other cell's

jibba-jabba.

The last time Mr. T went to McDonald's, Ronald McDonald greeted him.

What occured next proved to be the most violent beating of a clown ever

recorded in human history.

Despite popular belief, if there is a fool in the woods, and nobody is

around to hear his jibba jabba, Mr. T is still able to pity him.

Mr. T was the first to kill two bird with one stone. He kept the stone,

and as of now it has killed 6,048.

Mr. T was fired from the Psychic Friends Network for always predicting

pain.

Before Mr. T, the alphabet only had 25 letters.

Mr. T's incredible greatness has been attributed to the fact that his

genetic code doesn't have any A, G, or C. His genetic code is in fact,

nothing but T's.

Remember when Mr. T wasn't so popular and awesome? Me neither.

They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to

outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.

Every time Mr. T pities the fool, a pornstar regains her virginity.

Then proceeds to lose it to Mr. T.

It took five women 2 years to give birth to Mr. T.

Mr. T's sperm is so strong it could impregnate a man.

Mr. T made his van go twice the speed of light because he wanted to

prove that quantum physics was a bunch of jibba jabba.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

On all 3428 instances it occured, when Mr. T and Chuck Norris both

'deflower' the same woman, the resulting spermal battles have caused the

woman's uterus to explode in a flurry of pity and roundhouse kicks.

Mr. T doesn't have internal organs. He had them removed to make more

room for muscle.

The United States Federal Reserve Bank decided that Mr. T's neck was a much safer place for their gold than Fort Knox.

[Ozz]

Whats the difference between Shaun Wright-Phillips and a Woman?

A woman comes on at least once a month.