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[Archived] Friday Funnies


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Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign

reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."

The town's fathers were not too happy with that sign, so they

changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors." This was not

acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids

and Hemorrhoids."

No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down

again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives."

Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds."

Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes."

Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Queers and Rears,"

"Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks" or "Loons and Moons" work either, so they finally settled on

"Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones.... Odds and Ends."

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WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.

SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID: "DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED, "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?" THE HUSBAND REPLIED, "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

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Alcoholic Test

Im guessing CERTAIN MEMBERS will be getting full marks.

Wont they Abs wink.gif

1) Have you ever been 'on it' for more than three evenings in a row?

2) Do you regularly include 'shooters' in the evening's drinking program?

3) Would you drink advocaat/crème de menthe if you were bored enough?

4) After trying a donner kebab for the first time have you ever had another one?

5) Have you carried on drinking after you have vomited during the course of the evening?

6) Have you ever lost your door keys while out drinking, shrugged, and resigned yourself to sleeping outdoors?

7) Are you used to seeing a little white pint glass in the bottom right corner of the screen while watching sky sports?

8) Can you play darts and/or pool to an above average standard?

9) Do you have any 'mates' whom you've met in the pub and are 30+ years your senior?

10) Have you ever been barred or ejected?

11) Do you have any pints 'in the bin' down your local?

12) Do you 'know your limit' and usually ignore it?

13) Have you ever bought a packet of nuts/cheese and onion crisps/pork scratchings to 'soak up some of the booze'?

14) Do you like any of the following: White Lightning, Tennents Super, Special Brew, Skol Super, Kestrel Super, Gold Label?

15) Have you ever fallen asleep in a pub/bar/club?

16) Has anyone ever refused to serve you another drink with the words 'I think you've had enough mate'?

17) Have you ever 'borrowed' a pound from a stranger because 'you've lost your train ticket' and spent it on a tin of Spesh?

18) Have you wet your bed since you were a child?

19) Have you ever been sick in bed and left there it until morning?

20) Do you regularly awaken on a Sunday morning and have to think about how you got home?

21) Do you sometimes tend to sleep in your clothes at weekends?

22) Has 'hair of the dog' ever taken the shakes away?

23) Is eating cheating?

24) Could you identify a single malt whisky from a blend, in a taste test?

25) Have you ever blamed your state on 'a dodgy pint'?

26) Have you ever stood outside a pub in the cold looking at your watch and peering through the windows before 11:00am?

27) Do the bar staff from more than two pubs know your 'usual'?

28) Have you ever taken paracetamol/used a straw in order to get drunk faster?

29) Have you purchased MD "Mad Dog" 20/20 outside of your teens?

30) Is re-corking a bottle of wine to save it for another day out of the question?

31) Have you ever smelt your fingers the morning after to check whether you had a kebab the previous evening? (or to see whether you pulled for that matter?)

32) Have you ever been sent home from work with a hangover?

33) Are there any traffic cones/road signs just hanging around in your home?

34) Do you ever awaken with mysterious cuts and bruises that you have never seen or felt before?

35) Do you have a drink most days (5+ days per week)?

36) Have you ever been refused entry to a club for being hammered?

37) Have you ever woken up next to someone that only the phrase 'beer goggles' could explain?

38) Do you not worry about bringing a coat out with you because you won't feel the cold walking home?

39) Do you prefer a clapped-out unlicensed taxi driven by someone who can barely speak english to an 'expensive' hackney carriage?

40) Have you ever pulled someone after you've vomitted?

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Type "suds"

smile.gif

Edit: And "hoover"  laugh.gif

388043[/snapback]

Try these:-

Click

stalk, harass, perv, letch, magazine, clarkson, jeremy, gear, top, fancy, date, write, number, give, sauce, munch, feed, cherries, cherry, naked, minx, cheeky, soapy, foam, auto, lucky, randy, scare, alive, herbie, boot, open, pussy, floor, lads, limbo, catch, throw, middle, pig, ball, beach, perform, picture, glamour, lense, lens, shoot, model, snap, photo, nuzzle, airbag, airbags, puppies, dyke, bury, funbags, extra, lube, thighs, legs, work, grind, shake, bootie, gym, exercise, stretch, pilates, yoga, fit, sexy, display, pose, spray, shower, pistol, water, oil, baby, slick, rub, tee, watering, tim, soak, competition, shirt, wet, ######, titwank, mirror, wing, valet, rinse, clean, wash, sponge, bucket, suds, bubbly, bubbles, soap, lather, buff, plate, bumper, headlight, shammy, shine, polish, fender, hood, bonnet, detail, wax, flange, spread, groom, slave, fashion, strip, knickers, suspenders, angel, underwear, lingerie, stocking, bite, chew, dick, taste, head, hummer, blow, job, fruit, banana, sex, drive, dirty, bang, love, get it on, seat, back, shag, (Please don't use that word again), 3, page, relax, read, easy, paper, news, crash, attack, smash, scrap, destroy, wreck, total, hammer, car, writhe, moan, climax, cum, orgasm, hooters, hooter, bra, tits, kit, jugs, melons, flash, undress, boobs, grope, fondle, feel, massage, breast, sauciness, stoop, bend, saucy, drop, keys, exhaust, sugar, behind, pants, hot, shorts, hotpants, ass, arse, bum, lesbian, gay, tongue, french, frenchie, make, snog, kiss, pat, bad, slap, peach, kinky, naughty, punish, spank, drink, asbo, chav, bolloxed, wasted, steaming, alcohol, booze, legless, drunk, ######, repair, mend, wheel, flat, fix, tyre, change, wrestle, arm, contest, agile, bendy, acrobat, splits, minge, revenge, punani, fanny, growler, joke, hoof, toe, camel, wedgie, peck, hen, chicken, pull, war, tug, fight, juicy, squeeze, cleavage, shatter, break, violent, knock, hit, punch, aggressive, violence, camera, angry, accident, collapse, fall, stumble, trip, over, stand, balance, leg, lap, party, groove, office, boogie, brent, david, dance, silly, funny, bulge, strength, man, iron, muscleman, flex, strong, muscle, want, come, smoulder, tease, prick, flirt, slag, swear, screw, whore, moose, munter, hooker, ripper, ugly, minging, bird, flip, gyrate, wiggle, jiggle, lips, mouth, pout, sweets, lollypops, candy, sweet, lollypop, plums, plum, finger, lick, suck, computer, robotics, machine, cyborg, robot, roast, hug, group, huddle, cuddle, threesome, sandwich, girl, murder, kill, die, trample, squash, squish, crush, python, monty, monty python, pant, heat, canine, bitch, hound, doggy, dog, beg like a dog, beg, mewl, unhappy, upset, sob, cry, smile, laughter, happy, chuckle, giggle, laugh, fiddle, play, excite, tickle, flee, panic, dolly, heels, run, totter, bounce, skip, hop, leap, jump, howdy, wotcha, hi, greetings, hello, wave, array, Rude, Topgear, Number, Cherry, Foam, Herbie, Pussy, Limbo, Ball, PhotoKarina, PhotoJenna, PhotoAli, Funbags, Thighs, Bootie, Yoga, Pose, Pistols, Oil, Wetshirt, Wingmirror, Washcar, Soap, Polish, Wax, Slave, CatwalkKarina, CatwalkJenna, CatwalkAli, Banana, Shag, Relax, Hammer, Climax, BoobsKarina, BoobsJenna, BoobsAli, Breast, Keys, Bum, Kiss, Spank2, Spank, Drunk, Fix, Contest, Splits, Wedgie, Camel, Chicken, Fight, Cleavage, Angry, Fall, Oneleg, Dance, Muscle, Flirt, Flip, Jiggle, Pout, Candy, Finger, Robot, Sandwich, Python, Beg, Cry, Laugh, Tickle, Run, Jump

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Or alternatilvely:

http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movJump.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movTickle.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movCry.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movPython.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movRobot.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movCandy.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movJiggle.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movFlirt.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movDance.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movFall.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movCleavage.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movChicken.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movSplits.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movFix.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movSpank.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movKiss.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movKeys.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movBoobsAli.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movHammer.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movShag.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movCatwalkAli.swf

http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movWax.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movSoap.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movWingmirror.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movOil.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movPistols.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movYoga.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movThighs.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movPhotoAli.swf

http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movLimbo.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movHerbie.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movCherry.swf http://c.oneofthelads.com/movs/movTopgear.swf

Gotta love Google (and childish, free softcore games)

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steve was out afternoon drinking in the local boozer, also trying to chat up the friendly blonde bar maid.

the blonde barmaid is gorgeous and has a very thin figure and they start chating about food.

steve"do you know the difference between a mcdonalds and a blowjob?"

blonde barmaid " no i can't say i do"

steve "wot are you doing for tea later?!! laugh.gif

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An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....

"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".

So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.

"Incredible" he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here." Tentatively he

eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a 10 pound note appears.

"This is amazing!" exclaims the Doctor. What do you want me to do?"

"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!" shrieks the patient.

The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and

another and another, etc.... Finally the last note comes out and no more

appear .

"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter. How moch was in dare den?"

The Doctor counts the pile of cash. "£1,990 exactly."

"Ah, dat'd be roit, says the Irishman

(Wait for it...........scroll down.)

Keep going

I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."

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Alcoholic Test

Im guessing CERTAIN MEMBERS will be getting full marks.

Wont they Abs wink.gif

1) Have you ever been 'on it' for more than three evenings in a row?

2) Do you regularly include 'shooters' in the evening's drinking program?

3) Would you drink advocaat/crème de menthe if you were bored enough?

4) After trying a donner kebab for the first time have you ever had another one?

5) Have you carried on drinking after you have vomited during the course of the evening?

6) Have you ever lost your door keys while out drinking, shrugged, and resigned yourself to sleeping outdoors?

7) Are you used to seeing a little white pint glass in the bottom right corner of the screen while watching sky sports?

8) Can you play darts and/or pool to an above average standard?

9) Do you have any 'mates' whom you've met in the pub and are 30+ years your senior?

10) Have you ever been barred or ejected?

11) Do you have any pints 'in the bin' down your local?

12) Do you 'know your limit' and usually ignore it?

13) Have you ever bought a packet of nuts/cheese and onion crisps/pork scratchings to 'soak up some of the booze'?

14) Do you like any of the following: White Lightning, Tennents Super, Special Brew, Skol Super, Kestrel Super, Gold Label?

15) Have you ever fallen asleep in a pub/bar/club?

16) Has anyone ever refused to serve you another drink with the words 'I think you've had enough mate'?

17) Have you ever 'borrowed' a pound from a stranger because 'you've lost your train ticket' and spent it on a tin of Spesh?

18) Have you wet your bed since you were a child?

19) Have you ever been sick in bed and left there it until morning?

20) Do you regularly awaken on a Sunday morning and have to think about how you got home?

21) Do you sometimes tend to sleep in your clothes at weekends?

22) Has 'hair of the dog' ever taken the shakes away?

23) Is eating cheating?

24) Could you identify a single malt whisky from a blend, in a taste test?

25) Have you ever blamed your state on 'a dodgy pint'?

26) Have you ever stood outside a pub in the cold looking at your watch and peering through the windows before 11:00am?

27) Do the bar staff from more than two pubs know your 'usual'?

28) Have you ever taken paracetamol/used a straw in order to get drunk faster?

29) Have you purchased MD "Mad Dog" 20/20 outside of your teens?

30) Is re-corking a bottle of wine to save it for another day out of the question?

31) Have you ever smelt your fingers the morning after to check whether you had a kebab the previous evening? (or to see whether you pulled for that matter?)

32) Have you ever been sent home from work with a hangover?

33) Are there any traffic cones/road signs just hanging around in your home?

34) Do you ever awaken with mysterious cuts and bruises that you have never seen or felt before?

35) Do you have a drink most days (5+ days per week)?

36) Have you ever been refused entry to a club for being hammered?

37) Have you ever woken up next to someone that only the phrase 'beer goggles' could explain?

38) Do you not worry about bringing a coat out with you because you won't feel the cold walking home?

39) Do you prefer a clapped-out unlicensed taxi driven by someone who can barely speak english to an 'expensive' hackney carriage?

40) Have you ever pulled someone after you've vomitted?

387861[/snapback]

mmmmm lets see im crap and pool and darts but think thats probly the only no's oooops....oh and i dont drink super tennants etc ah well...

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A lion is about to pounce on a chicken in the jungle but the chicken won't run away so he roars at it.

"Why don't you run away chicken? When I roar the whole jungle trembles."

"Ah" says the chicken, "when I sneeze the whole world ###### itself."

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JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE US CITIZENS

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the

elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit

will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty Seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.

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JOHN CLEESE'S ADDRESS TO THE US CITIZENS

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the

elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save the Queen.

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit

will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as Good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty Seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). Thank you for your co-operation.

390500[/snapback]

Been done already via Malta mate

Malteaser

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