[Archived] Friday Funnies

[SuperStella]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

[Cocker]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.

It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team.

However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for! At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in the shower.

[Tris]

Doh - should have gone to spec savers 

390534[/snapback]

Should Councillor Eileen Kinnear of Harrow on the Hill Conservatives have gone to Spec Savers??!

[Cocker]

Should Councillor Eileen Kinnear of Harrow on the Hill Conservatives have gone to Spec Savers??!

391183[/snapback]

Have you seen her husband

[ABBEY]

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

390613[/snapback]

thought this was about jokes and funnies not total BS!!!!!!

wont ever happen

[Ozz]

Should Councillor Eileen Kinnear of Harrow on the Hill Conservatives have gone to Spec Savers??!

391183[/snapback]

Looks like shes about to dole out the change for the tills at Marks And Spencers.

[American]

I just want to know how you came across that picture and how long you've been waiting for the opportunity to use it!

[Cocker]

I just want to know how you came across that picture and how long you've been waiting for the opportunity to use it!

391274[/snapback]

How do you know that he 'came accross it'?

[Flopsy]

Needs Sound

This rocks

[grizfoot]

A man went to a hotel and asked for a suite with a view ... they gave him a polo

[Nayef]

I'm too good to you lot.

385480[/snapback]

Is there a similar one for Kirsty?

[Grabbi Graeme]

A woman goes into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre,

so the barman give her one

[Cocker]

Shouldnt laugh but.................click

[Flopsy]

All Hail the Hoffmeister

1. David Hasselhoff once walked down the street with a massive erection.

There were no survivors.

2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David

Hasselhoff allows to live.

3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Crap! That's

David Hasselhoff!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,

and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff

could use to kill you, including the room itself.

7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.

8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.

9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn

needs to lie the fu*k down.

10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get

wet. The water gets David instead. David Hasselhoff is the only man to

ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.

12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records

it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff, and those

listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to

matching him.

13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put

up with lactose's *hit.

14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.

15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.

16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At

night.

17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists

entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.

18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and

won.

20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year

later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the

Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied Because

Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.

21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child

to be thrown into the sun.

22. David Hasselhoff doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he

sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fu**ing

another.

23. When David Hasselhoff does a push up, he isn't lifting himself up,

he's pushing the Earth down.

24. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow

motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno

erupts behind him.

25. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire

spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

26. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he

ate every last unicorn in existence.

27. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.

28. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched himself in the face.

[dave birch]

I liked this one from the LET letters:

Why we’re just miles better off

I'M not in favour of changing road signs to kilometres as we will lose money because of the rounding-up factor.

For example six miles equals 9.656km. This will be rounded to 10km on our road signs, meaning that we will have a longer drive from A to B, our driving time will be longer, we'll have to pay for extra petrol, and towns will be pushed further apart.

Let Lord Kinnock leave our miles alone.

KEITH ELLEL, Westwood Avenue, Rishton.

[philipl]

Taken from the "From the City" web site:

First off, a breaking story. A senior New York-based investment banker recently woke up on his 45th birthday, expecting to be made a fuss of by his wife and kids before he went off to work. He was really upset when his family appeared to have forgotten his birthday, and left for his firm in a bad mood.

Imagine his surprise, then, when the banker arrived at work and found that his secretary hadn't forgotten his special day, and invited him out to a celebration lunch. After the lunch, the secretary suggested that, as it was a 'nice day', they skip work for the afternoon, and go back to her apartment, which was fairly close by.

Once in her apartment, the banker's secretary excused herself, as she wanted to 'slip into something more comfortable'. After a few minutes, the secretary returned carrying a large birthday cake, and was followed by the banker's wife, children and other relatives, who were all singing 'Happy Birthday'. The banker was by this time sitting expectantly on the couch - stark naked!

The party was cancelled, the marriage was over, and the secretary was fired. She is now suing for unfair dismissal. The banker claims that the whole thing is a terrible misunderstanding, and that he took his clothes off as the thermosat wasn't working in the apartment, and he'd become very hot (that he had!).

And finally, a completely unrelated story from Bangkok. Local media reports claim that a hippopotamus accidentally swallowed a dwarf in a 'freak accident' in Northern Thailand recently. Apparently a circus dwarf, nicknamed Od, died when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus waiting to appear in the next act. The Hippo is said have had a 'gag' relex which unfortunately forced her to swallow. More than 1,000 spectators are said to have applauded wildly, until they realised that there had been a tragic accident.

[Cocker]

A old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans

over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex

together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern

where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and

we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good

idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all

this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these

two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep

an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by

walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make

their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As

she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching

policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both

collapse, panting , on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life

that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old

couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching, thinks this was truly amazing. I've got

to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to

them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had

a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric

fence.

[adopted scouser]

Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef.

[Cocker]

Two IT guys were chatting in a pub after work.

"Guess what, mate," says the first IT guy, "yesterday, I met this

gorgeous

blonde girl in a bar."

"What did you do?" says the other IT guy.

"Well, I invited her over to mine, we had a couple of drinks, we got

into

the mood and then she suddenly asked me to take all her clothes off."

"You're kidding me!" says the second IT guy.

"I took her miniskirt off, and then I lifted her and put her on my desk

next

to my new laptop."

"Really? You got a new laptop?"

[Jim J]

[Paul]

"Really?  You got a new laptop?"

396309[/snapback]

Love that one as well Jim

[Presty On Tour]

bin ladden was arrested in a grass field in wales yesterday after being caught shagging sheep.

the police were unable to press charges though as bin ladden and his lawyer explained that the sheep were "his lambs"

[Rovers Air Force]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear.

It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside.

With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Simon Says]

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

At a morning press conference the attorney general said he believed the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra Movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

Al-Gebra is a fearsome cult,” a Justice Department said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute value. They use secret code names like “x” and “y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say there are three sides to every triangle.”

When asked to comment on the arrest President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction he would have given us more fingers and toes.”

[1864roverite]

A true story for you all

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

When the farmer drove up the next day, he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but he's dead."

Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."

The farmer said, "I can't do that. I went and spent it already."

Gordon said, "OK then, just unload the donkey anyway".

The farmer asked, "What are ya gonna do with him?"

Gordon said, "I'm going to raffle him off."

To which the farmer exclaimed, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"

But Gordon , with a big smile on his face, said "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody that he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"

Gordon said, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece and made a huge profit"

Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"

And Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner, when he came to claim his prize.

So I gave him his £2 back plus £200 extra, which is double the going value of a donkey, so he thought I was a great guy."

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied or how much money he stole from British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them thought he was a great guy.