[Archived] Friday Funnies

[ABBEY]

A teacher was starting her first day teaching second grade in San Diego and in order to impress the kids, she mentioned being a Chargers fan.

"Raise your hand if you are a Chargers Fan", she asked.

Most of the class raised their hands except for one little girl. The teacher, looking rather annoyed asked the girl, "How come you're not a Chargers fan?"

"I'm a Bronco fan!"

"And why are you a Broncos fan?"

"My mommy is from Denver, and she's a Broncos fan, and my daddy is from Denver and he's a Broncos fan, so I'm a Broncos fan!"

The teacher, looking even more annoyed said "Well, that's a stupid reason! What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug dealer? What would you be then?"

"A Raiders Fan or a burnley fan!"

[herbergeehh]

One off the Sopranos: (contains bad language )

Two men, one filthy rich and one very poor, met after buying their wives anniversary presents.

"I've bought my wife a Mercedes and a diamond ring", the rich man said proudly.

The poor man looked bemused.

- Why did you do that?, he asked.

"If my wife doesn't like the ring, she can use the Mercedes to return it! So what did you buy?"

- I bought her a pair of slippers and a dildo.

"What? Why?"

- If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go f### herself.

[Rovers Air Force]

Goerge W was sitting in the oval office waiting for his daily breifing, his aide comes in a says

'sir, i have terible news, last night we lost a brizian solider'

George w was shocked, sunned, how could this have happened?

he replies

' oh my good god, that awalful, tell me exactly how many is a brizilian?'

[Rovers Air Force]

Men ARE not mind readers.

Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.

We need it up, you need it down.

You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.

Let it be..

Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

Crying is blackmail.

Ask for what you want.

Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!

Strong hints do not work!

Obvious hints do not work!

Just say it!

Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.

Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

If you think you're fat, you probably are..

Don't ask us.

If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done,not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials..

Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

ALL men see in only 16 colours, like Windows default settings

Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour.

We have no idea what mauve is.

If it itches, it will be scratched.

We do that.

If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act

like nothing's wrong.

We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear

Is fine...Really.

Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, women ,or golf.

You have enough clothes.

You have too many shoes.

I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

Thank you for reading this.

Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;

But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like

camping.

[Rovers Air Force]

god I'm board!

You know you're living in 2006 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.

6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years & worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff & are more likely to get long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE...

13. You read this entire list, & kept nodding & smiling.

14. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends".

15. You got this email from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the net.

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No.9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9

18. And now you're laughing inwardly for just making an ass of yourself.

[Rovers Air Force]

HA HA HA

[Eddie]

16. You are too busy to notice there was no No.9

17. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a No.9

18. And now you're laughing inwardly for just making an ass of yourself.

397306[/snapback]

[adopted scouser]

Elton Johns getting divorced. Rumour has it his husbands having sex behind his back!

[Ozz]

Some barsteward sent me this and I cannot seem to get my heed around it.

Please help.

3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30,

SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM.

A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25,

SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3 GUYS' ROOM WITH $5.

ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLYBETWEEN 3 MEN,

SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF.

THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27,

ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.

WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

[Eddie]

Still struggling to put it into words, but as Jim J said probably good to leave it for a bit.

[Jim J]

Sussed it out, but I wont post the answer for a bit.

All i'll say is dont trust the maths/wording in the question....

[Paul]

The question contains an incorrect statement.......so is unanswerable.

[Eddie]

Is the incorrect statement you're getting at the fact that each man paid 9?

[ABBEY]

A rugged sheepherder from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's

office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not

going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The sheepherder tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I

do?"

The doctor says "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a

head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno

peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off

with a gallon of prune juice."

The sheepherder squares his rugged shoulders and asks "Will that cure me, Doc?".

His doctor says "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of

what your butt is for."

[adopted scouser]

I am a captain in the Blackburn Navy and the picture was taken just after

the battle of Clayton-Le-Moors in 2002. The history books tend to dismiss

the event so I will give you some details.

In January 2002, a challenge over the ownership of the fruitful Accrington

potato pie mines began. Accrington lies directly between Blackburn and

Burnley and for many years, the neighbouring towns secretly coveted

Accrington's mines. When the pie mines in Blackburn and Burnley eventually

dried up, both towns attempted to invade Accrington and claim it's still

plentiful mines. Accrington had no form of defence and following a

referendum of the town's people, the decision was made to co-operate with

Blackburn and let them take over. Many ask why the Accringtonians agreed

to

side with Blackburn. The general opinion is that Blackburn had a brewery,

a

24 hour Asda and their swimming bath boasted a 25mtr pool, dwarfing

Burnley's 20mtr.

Burnley immediately declared war on Blackburn and I was ordered to take my

vessel, the HMS Sid James up the Leeds to Liverpool canal and attack

Burnley. When we reached Clayton Le Moors, the Burnleyites were waiting

for

us and battle commenced. The HMS Sid James isn't much of a battle ship,

more of a dingy with nothing more than a bottle of gin and a plastic axe

for

defence. After several days of battle and only managing to slay a few of

the assailants with my axe, it was time for a change of tactic. I stole a

traffic cone from some near by roadwork's and shouted at a fairly loud

level

that there was a promised land to the east where pies grew on trees and the

taps flowed with bitter and mild. This promised land was known as

yaaaarkshooooore. Minutes of discussion followed before the Burnleyites

took the bus home to rouse a party for their expedition to find the pie

land

in the east.

Shortly after the photo was taken, I was awarded the Jim Bowen medal for

bravery and cunningness.

Yours,

Andrew Dean.

[Ozz]

The three men had paid 30-5+3=28. Therefore they actually paid 9.3333 each.

[Jim J]

Answer: Look at this as if the 3 were charged correctly. The room costs $25 or $8.33 per person. They paid $30 or $10 each and then got $1 dollar back (for a net of $9 each). The difference between what the room costs($25) and what each paid (3 x $9 = $27) is $2. The bellboy kept this. There is no extra dollar.

so it should read:

TAKE AWAY THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $25.

[Paul]

Is the incorrect statement you're getting at the fact that each man paid 9?

398106[/snapback]

Yes.

I go with Jim, he's posted what I would have said.

[adopted scouser]

So effectively all three men were overcharged for the room a total of two pounds, which the bell boy kept. Simple really.

Is the incorrect statement you're getting at the fact that each man paid 9?

That statement is actually correct. The incorrect statement is that you add the money the bell boy kept... you subtract it ie down to $25.

Think of it as a till.

$30 in

$5 out

$1 to each customer and two to the bell boy.

The men were short changed 67c each

[Ray-Von]

I am a captain in the Blackburn Navy and the picture was taken just after

the battle of Clayton-Le-Moors in 2002.  The history books tend to dismiss

the event so I will give you some details.

In January 2002, a challenge over the ownership of the fruitful Accrington

potato pie mines began.  Accrington lies directly between Blackburn and

Burnley and for many years, the neighbouring towns secretly coveted

Accrington's mines.  When the pie mines in Blackburn and Burnley eventually

dried up, both towns attempted to invade Accrington and claim it's still

plentiful mines.  Accrington had no form of defence and following a

referendum of the town's people, the decision was made to co-operate with

Blackburn and let them take over.  Many ask why the Accringtonians agreed

to

side with Blackburn.  The general opinion is that Blackburn had a brewery,

a

24 hour Asda and their swimming bath boasted a 25mtr pool, dwarfing

Burnley's 20mtr.

Burnley immediately declared war on Blackburn and I was ordered to take my

vessel, the HMS Sid James up the Leeds to Liverpool canal and attack

Burnley.  When we reached Clayton Le Moors, the Burnleyites were waiting

for

us and battle commenced.  The HMS Sid James isn't much of a battle ship,

more of a dingy with nothing more than a bottle of gin and a plastic axe

for

defence.  After several days of battle and only managing to slay a few of

the assailants with my axe, it was time for a change of tactic.  I stole a

traffic cone from some near by roadwork's and shouted at a fairly loud

level

that there was a promised land to the east where pies grew on trees and the

taps flowed with bitter and mild.  This promised land was known as

yaaaarkshooooore.  Minutes of discussion followed before the Burnleyites

took the bus home to rouse a party for their expedition to find the pie

land

in the east.

Shortly after the photo was taken, I was awarded the Jim Bowen medal for

bravery and cunningness.

Yours,

Andrew Dean.

398133[/snapback]

AS, where did you dig that up from? Think I might know the author.....

[adopted scouser]

An ex lady friend of mine who now lives in London, still stays in touch. She was originally from Accy and sent it me the other night, she also sent a jpeg of the author, but it's not on't tinternet so I can't put it on the site.

[Ray-Von]

Cheers AS.

[Jim J]

A fact rather than a joke...............

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when,

heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the

train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months.

You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild

involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout

the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat. And then you

get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit

Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit

Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the

temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting

dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of

dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last

summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff)

and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly

lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of

burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk. Big breasts

in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in

vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer

dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you

even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the

crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road... And you know it

is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was

heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a

moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be

precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above

16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt

to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early

summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit

Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not

prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer

clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again

until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One

after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered

nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale

where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where,

instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text

your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early.

There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a

couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But

your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep

your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a

summer make.

[ultrablue]

Click Me

This may have been posted but amused me for 10 mins or so, tougher than it looks!!

[Presty On Tour]

i completed the brad friedel one in 42 moves!!!