[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Ozz]

Hoorah-did it in 29 moves.

[Eddie]

Doesn't seem to work for me.

[American]

24 moves.

Hint - get a head start.

[Biddy]

22 Moves. That was fun. Now to fill the next 4 hours.

[dave birch]

A fact rather than a joke...............

400337[/snapback]

Jim, it's just as well you don't live in Sydney. You might never get out of a seat because of the embarassment August/September through to April /May.

Makes you want to be young again.

[cletus]

Subject: Child Support Agency forms

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child

Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details:

These are genuine excerpts from the forms. Be sure to check number 11,

It takes the prize.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was

fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of

child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was

being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can

provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party

if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was

conceived at a party at 36 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with

a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I

fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his

phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a

BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.

Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area, and see if

he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope

confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ

risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to

do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications

for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right

by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look

the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him,

can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at

Euro-Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember

for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.

If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party

at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all

when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

[ABBEY]

Subject: Child Support Agency forms

401796[/snapback]

evil scummy slugw@@ers

[Cocker]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods. She

went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said

to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to

mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for,

your husband will get ....... times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your

husband the most handsome man that ever lived, an Adonis whom women will

swoon over and flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be

the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The

frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world by far.

And he will be ten times richer than you. "The woman said, "That's okay,

because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful consideration

she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

ATTENTION female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and

continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.

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The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that

women are nosey cows and never listen!!!

[James No. 7]

i completed the brad friedel one in 42 moves!!! 

400633[/snapback]

Bloody hell. 48 moves. Didn't realise that none of them were correct until too late... I had put all the ones that would have been correct one square to the left.

[Jim J]

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress

Halloween party.

The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go

to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued

and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no

need for his good time to be spoiled by not going.

So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke

Without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought

she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she

was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his

costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice

"chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe

herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her.

She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally he whispered a little proposition in

Her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a

passionate time in the back seat.

Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went

Home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of

Explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what

Kind of time he had.

"Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good

time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied," I'll tell

you, I never even danced one dance.

When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into

the spare room and played poker

All evening"

You must have looked really silly wearing that costume

playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to

your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."

[Flopsy]

Top Military Advice

"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY."

Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND."

US Marine Corps

"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND."

U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop

"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU."

Infantry Journal

"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR UNIT."

Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU JUST BOMBED."

US. Air Force manual

"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO."

Infantry Journal

"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS."

U.S. Army Ordnance

"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS."

Infantry Journal

"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID."

David Hackworth

"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH."

Infantry Journal

"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION."

Joe Gay

"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER....ONCE."

Anonymous

"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO."

Unknown Marine Recruit

"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU."

Infantry Journal

"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM."

USAF Ammo Troop

[Ozz]

Very Amusing

[Cocker]

Very Amusing

403495[/snapback]

Might just be me but theres nothing there dude?

[Ozz]

It's just you Cocker. Tried it again and link still live.

[Cocker]

It's just you Cocker. Tried it again and link still live.

403784[/snapback]

Is This what you were pointing too?

Not sure what was going on from my end?

[Ozz]

Yes it was Cocker. doesn't seem that funny though now

Try the River Crossing Puzzle

[Rovers Air Force]

I was at the cash machine the other day when a confused looking old lady asked me to help to check her balance. Being a helpful soul I gave her a mighty shove and sure enough she toppled over like a good un....

[Jim J]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them?

"Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!"

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

"Hi, Paddy, watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!"

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!"

[herbergeehh]

Great stuff, Jim!

[colin]

Thin bloke walks into the doctor's surgery with a banana up his nose.

Doctor says

" I know what's wrong with you, you're not eating properly."

[adopted scouser]

I met this lass last night, she had a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh. Its great if you put your ear to it you can actually smell the sea.

[ABBEY]

already banged her A>S> hee hee

[Rovers Air Force]

Letter of complaint to NTL

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2005, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I

suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were Sh1t, that they had attained the holy p1ss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of to$$ers you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom w@ckers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twots.

****

[Jordan]

Ha Ha

I read stuff like that everyday in my job in customer relations and the customers never enclose presents.

[cletus]

Q...What`s John Prescott & MFI got in common?

A...A couple of screws in the wrong place & the whole cabinet falls apart.