[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Cocker]

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the

British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio

conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-01:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the

South, to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees

to the North, to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course

15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I

say again, divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert

YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA!

THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET.

WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS

SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH,

I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE

UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

[Flopsy]

funily enough that email goes round every 6 months always claiming to be the ACTUAL transcript of a radio conversation but involving different navies.

so it probably happened but with whom I think will never be found. Im guesing the US vs Canada

[Cocker]

Henry signs for Chelski - they will really clean up now

(didnt think this was worth its own thread really - but it does give things away being in the funnies I know)

[Rovers Air Force]

funily enough that email goes round every 6 months always claiming to be the ACTUAL transcript of a radio conversation but involving different navies.

so it probably happened but with whom I think will never be found. Im guesing the US vs Canada

406606[/snapback]

An "urban legend" about an encounter between a US Naval ship or Task Force and a lighthouse in the Canadian Maritimes, in which the captain of a US aircraft carrier or battleship (variously identified as the Enterprise, Lincoln, Missouri, et al.), insists that the Canadian "vessel" change course to avoid a collision, unaware that it is a lighthouse. This story actually is at least 30-40 years old, and possibly much, much older.

[Glenn]

An "urban legend" about an encounter between a US Naval ship or Task Force and a lighthouse in the Canadian Maritimes, in which the captain of a US aircraft carrier or battleship (variously identified as the Enterprise, Lincoln, Missouri, et al.), insists that the Canadian "vessel" change course to avoid a collision, unaware that it is a lighthouse. This story actually is at least 30-40 years old, and possibly much, much older.

406781[/snapback]

Indeed, I've probably linked this very entry from those wonderful mythbusters at snopes.com before.

[colin]

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud knocking on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!

He slams the door and returns to bed.

Who was that?" asked his wife.

Just some bloke asking for a push," he answers.

Did you help him?" she asks.

No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two blokes helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!"

[Flopsy]

Indeed, I've probably linked this very entry from those wonderful mythbusters at snopes.com before.

406792[/snapback]

taken from there

Of the many flaws in the recent version, the most glaring is that there is no longer a radio crew - or any crew, for that matter - on any lighthouse on the U.S. coastline. The last one was automated 10 years ago, said Lt. j.g. Ed Westfall, the lighthouse program manager for the U.S. Coast Guard's Fifth District, based in Portsmouth.

I think all of the UK's and Irelands are automated too.

[Presty On Tour]

2 rats are going about their everyday life in the sewer and 1 of the rats is feeling down and depressed,

rat 1 " i'm fed up of this, everyday it's sh1t for breakfast, sh1t for lunch and sh1t for dinner, this rat's life is just sh1t, i ain't happy mate!!!"

rat 2 "nevermind buddy, i know what will cheer you up, we will go on the p1ss later!!!"

[herbergeehh]

Inteview gone wild

Contains some nudity.

[neekoy]

Stan Ternant was pulled up by police for doing 98 miles an hour on the M65. When they asked him why he was speeding he replied that it was the only way he could think of to collect three points.

[Jim J]

That one might be a year or two out of date Neekoy

[neekoy]

That one might be a year or two out of date Neekoy

408151[/snapback]

I do live in Australia though mate, it always takes a couple of years to get across the ocean

[Presty On Tour]

old gags but.......

My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7."

David Beckham

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.

Mark Viduka

"Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's

the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager

I've ever had."

David Beckham

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed

at the end of the day."

Neville Southall

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which

were disputable."

Paul Gascoigne

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully

after that as well."

Alan Shearer

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona."

Mark Draper

"You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the

World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out."

Peter Shilton

"I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but

let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester."

Stan Collymore

"I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the

screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My

first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there

playing."

Ade Akinbiyi

"Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match."

Ian Wright

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier."

Ugo Ehiogu

"Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live

in Middlesborough."

Jonathan Woodgate

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel."

Stuart Pearce

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right."

Lee Hendrie

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country."

Ian Rush

"Germany are a very difficult team to play...they had 11 internationals out

there today."

Steve Lomas

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right

sock."

Barry Venison

"I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what

religion yet."

David Beckham

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more

European."

Phil Neville

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed."

Mitchell Thomas

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best."

Alan Shearer

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd."

Johnny Giles

[adopted scouser]

A south african loses a leg in a gold mining accident. "I'm fooked now" he said ... "who'd want a one legged gold digger ?"

"ME!" said Paul McCartney

[American]

[SouthAussieRover]

Hope you all recall the miners trapped down the mine for two weeks in Tasmania.

Anyhow:

What's the difference between the Beaconsfield mine manager and a priest?

The Beaconsfield mine manager got his miner stuck down a shaft.

The priest got his shaft stuck up a min(o)er.

[cletus]

Technicians in Paris have grounded the Arsenal team plane for safety reasons. Apparently even after the engines were turned off, a constant whining noise could be heard.

[Biddy]

Technicians in Paris have grounded the Arsenal team plane for safety reasons. Apparently even after the engines were turned off, a constant whining noise could be heard.

408951[/snapback]

That one really made me laugh. I was sick to the back teeth today of all the whinging Arsenal fans around me at work.

[cletus]

Q...What`s red & white and goes "boop boop boop"?

A...Arsenal`s open-top bus being put back in it`s garage!

[adopted scouser]

Probably been posted before, funny all the same.

[Flopsy]

oh god that hurts

whos the bloke falling over when Matteo's threatening him?

[1864roverite]

Subject: No pleasing women

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman

may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store

operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper

ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may choose any

man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you

cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the

Husband Store to find a husband .

On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely

good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead

good looking and help with the housework."Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I

can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead

gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012 to this floor. There are no men on this

floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to

please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit

the building, and have a nice day!

[Presty On Tour]

what do you call a bra stretched out accross the bedroom?

a booby trap

[Cocker]

Click

Didnt think this should have its own thread - cool enough anyway

[Ozz]

SideSplitting...