[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Ozz]

Two Wiganers on holiday in Magaluf. As they go past an English pub, they read the sign on the window

"Pie, pint and a prostitue for a pound!"

One of them goes in and asks "Who's pies are they?"

[Finch]

A friday funny for a monday

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days.

Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?" God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've made" said God.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued pointing to the different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?" "Ah," said God "that's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!" God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the bunch of ******s I'm putting down South!"

[bellamy11]

Flight of the Conchords part 1

Part 2

First and last song of part 2 are a bit mediocre but the rest are generally fantastic. Great for quoting.

[cletus]

^^^

flight of the conchords

very good

[Cocker]

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a football."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "£250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have football boots."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "£750"

Man - "Sold."

A few days later, the boys father says to the boy, "Grab your boots and football, let's go outside and have a game of soccer. The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball and boots." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy -"£1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that.

That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh1t again. You're in my cupboard now"

[Ozz]

Heather Mills-Mcartney is planning to sue the papers that alleged her prostitution background. Personally, I don't think she's got a leg to stand on.

[Neil Weaver]

Heather Mills-Mcartney is planning to sue the papers that alleged her prostitution background. Personally, I don't think she's got a leg to stand on.

And it's taken you all evening to think that one up Ozz ?

[Ozz]

No it took me from Sunday!

[Ozz]

Why did Brazil fail to win the World Cup in 1982?

Because Socrates was too deep.

(That one took 22 years in the oven)!

[cletus]

Not a joke, but this is one of the funniest things i`ve seen in ages:-

"have we been drinking sir?"

(still got tears in my eyes)

[Bing]

Boro Chairman Steve Gibson is a top bloke:

http://homepages.nildram.co.uk/~kritip/managers%20job.htm

[colin]

To send to a mate via text or e-mail:

Dear ********

Fantastic news! I've just won a competition on Radio One for me and three of my best mates to go to Germany to watch the England v Equador game. All expenses paid.

pause

While we're gone will you look after the cat?

[Cocker]

Some people have to much time on their hands - click

[adopted scouser]

Don't suppose this is a 'funny', but it must have taken a long time to put together, and for reasons unknown to me I can't stop grinning when I watch it.

[PABBY]

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Australian are walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie pops out of it.

"I will give you each one wish" says the genie.

The Aussie says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia."

With a blink of the genie's eye 'FOOM' - the land in Australia was forever made fertile for farming.

The Frenchman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around France, so that no one can come into our precious country."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye 'POOF' - there was a huge wall around France.

The Englishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and nothing can get in or out."

The Englishman says, "Fill it up with water."

[Grabbi Graeme]

Q Why won't Craig Bellamy play cricket?

A Because he really hates bouncers

Many more Welsh/English footie jokes here.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/wales/matchofthedaywales/fun/jokes/

[dave birch]

A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy.

All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.

The barman says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada."

The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada?"

The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender says, "A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?"

”No, a taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."

The bartender grins and yells,

"He's okay boys. He's one of us."

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A really ugly and mean actin' bitch storms into Kmart with her two kids, slams a cart into a stack of cans, yells at her kids, and is just a general horror.

The Kmart greeter asks, "Are they twins?"

The hag says "No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7.

"Why?........ Do you think they really look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

[cletus]

A reporter asked Paul McCartney if he`d ever consider going down on one knee again. Paul looked rather irate & replied "I`d rather you called her Heather!"

[Look4Me]

It is just before the England v Brazil match. Ronaldinho goes into the Brazilian changing room to find all his teammates looking a bit glum.

"What's up?" he asks.

"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's

important but it's only England. They're sh*te and we can't be bothered."

Ronaldinho looks at them and says, "Well, I reckon I can beat them by

myself. You lads go down the pub."

So Ronaldinho goes out to play England by himself and the rest of the

Brazilian team go off for a few jars.

After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the

landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "

Brazil 1 - England 0 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes)". He is beating England all by

himself!

Anyway, a few pints later and the game is forgotten until someone

remembers,

"It must be full time now, let's see how he got on." They put the teletext

on.

"Result from the Stadium 'Brazil 1 (Ronaldinho 10 minutes) - England 1

(Lampard 89 minutes)."

They can't believe it; he has single-handedly got a draw against England!!

They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate Ronaldinho. They find him in

the dressing room, still in his gear, sitting with his head in his hands.

He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down."

"Don't be daft, you got a draw against England, all by yourself. And they

only scored at the very, very end!"

"No, no, I have, I've let you down. I got sent off after 12 minutes."

[1864roverite]

Classic

Little patrick asked for a bike for his birthday. His dad said " we would get you one son but our mortgage is $80k and your mum has lost her job".

Nexy day Pat walked out with his suitcase packed. His dad asked "where you going son?"

Patrick replied "I walked past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pullin out. Then I heard mum tell you to wait as she was coming too. I am not staying here on me own with an $80k mortgage and no F***ing bike !"

[Ozz]

[Cocker]

Shearer having a sing - click

[adopted scouser]

Peanuts

[cletus]

Peanuts

WTF!!??

Loved the "has anybody checked him for explosives?" gag

[dave birch]

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.

"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the Ute.

The pig's ok but he's stuck in the bull bar at the front of my Ute and is wriggling & squealing so much I cannot get him out".

The manager says "OK there's a 303 behind the seat,

take it out and shoot the pig in the head & you'll be able to remove him".

Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did as you said boss.

Took the 303 and shot the pig in the head and removed him from

the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on."

"Now what's the problem?" raged the manager..

"Well Boss, it's his motor bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under

the right front wheel arch...................

You there boss?"

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A Yank decided to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he

would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a

golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read "$1000 per call".

The Yank being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the

telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to

heaven and that for $1000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the

priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large Cathedral, he saw the same

golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the

same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its

purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for

$1000 he could talk to God. "O.K., thank you," said the Yank

He ended up travelling all over the States and in every church he saw the

same golden telephone with the same "$1000 per call" sign under it.

The Yank then decided to travel to Australia to see if the Aussies had the

same phone.

He arrived in Australia, and again, in the first church he entered there

was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read "40

cents per call." The Yank was surprised so he asked the priest about the

sign.

"Father, I've travelled all over America and I've seen this same golden

telephone in many churches.

I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven,but in the US the price was

$1000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here ?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Australia now mate - it's a local

call".