[Archived] Friday Funnies

[colin]

A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.....etc

I like that one.

[ABBEY]

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast…

"Bacon, eggs, perhaps some toast? Maybe a nice sectioned

grapefruit and a cup of fresh coffee?"

He declines, "It's the Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the

edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she again asks if he would like something.

"A bowl of homemade soup, maybe with a cheese sandwich? Or how

about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?"

Again he declines. "No thanks. It's the Viagra," he says, "It's

really taken the edge off my appetite."

At dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to

go to the cafe and buy him a super burger. "or would you rather

I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir-fry?

That'll only take a couple of minutes..?"

Once more he declines, "Again, thanks, but it's the Viagra. It's

really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well then," she replies, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm

bloody STARVING!"

[Paul]

http://www.shaveeverywhere.com/

Watch the intro then go to Main Menu at bottom of page

[juggalo_rover]

Whats the difference between Tim Henman and the Enlgish football team??

Henman can hit the net!!!!!!

[Cocker]

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

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An USAF F16 is escorting an RAF Hercules when the F16 pulls a perfect roll right around the Herc. The F16 pilot then comes over the radio: "lets see you try that then" The Hercules crew ponder for a moment....then shut down number 1 engine. The Herc crew come over the radio in a dodgy US accent: "lets see you try that then"!

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At a recent software engineering management course in the US, the participants were given an awkward question to answer. "If you had just boarded an airliner and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the flight control software how many of you would disembark immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands, only one man sat motionless.

When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to stay onboard. With his team's software, he said, the plane was unlikely to even taxi as far as the runway, let alone take off.

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During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) lashed out at the US Air crew screaming "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on 'Charlie' taxi way; you turned right on 'Delta'. Stop right there. I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's and D's but get it right".

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically, "You've screwed everything up; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to. You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about a half hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771??"

Naturally, the 'ground control' frequency went terribly silent until an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

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"In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

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Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

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"Squawks" are problems noted by U.S. Air Force pilots and left for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some actual maintenance complaints logged by those Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews.

(P) = Problem (S) = Solution

(P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

(S) Almost replaced left inside main tire.

(P) Test flight OK, except auto land very rough.

(S) Auto land not installed on this aircraft.

(P) Something loose in cockpit.

(S) Something tightened in cockpit.

(P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

(S) Evidence removed.

(P) DME volume unbelievably loud.

(S) Volume set to more believable level.

(P) Dead bugs on windshield.

(S) Live bugs on order.

(P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.

(S) Cannot reproduce problems on ground.

(P) IFF inoperative.

(S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

(P) Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

(S) That's what they're there for.

(P) Number three engine missing.

(S) Engine found on right wing after brief search.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

(P) Target Radar hums.

(S) Reprogrammed Target Radar with the words.

(P) Unfamiliar noise from engine.

(S) Ran engine continuously for 4 hours - noise now familiar.

[colin]

From Maureen Lipman:

Why are pirates called pirates

scroll down

a little bit more

Because they Aaaaaaarrr

[SouthAussieRover]

TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2005 - According to Reader's Digest:

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW... FOR THE #1 SMART ASS ANSWER SO FAR FOR THE YEAR 2005:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[SouthAussieRover]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night

& have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out & make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time &

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know

about condoms and sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house & meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace & bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, & the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, & still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over & whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, & whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

[bob fleming]

Out on her royal yacht the Queen was enjoying the sea air when she spied a man in the water off the port bow - clearly being menaced by a very large shark. Through her binoculars she could see it was Christian Ronaldo, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark! The queen ordered the Captain to change course to try and save the poor man, but she knew the yachts top speed would never get them there in time.

At that exact moment a speedboat containing three men wearing white tops sped into view. One of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled Ronaldo from the water and, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious Ronaldo into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling..... It was the Queen calling them to the yacht and she had recognised the men: - Rooney, Beckham and England mascot Theo Walcott.

On reaching yacht the Queen went into raptures about the rescue and said, "I'll give you a knighthood for your brave actions. I thought the England team would hate Ronaldo after the world cup. But I see that the England team are true heroes and should serve as a model for sportsmanship to other countries."

She knighted them and sailed away.

As she departed Rooney asked the others, "Who was that?!"

"That," Beckham answered, "was our Queen. She rules the Commonwealth and knows everything about our country."

"Well," Rooney replied, "she knows F all about shark fishing. How's the bait holding up?"

[Flopsy]

.

(P) Aircraft handles funny.

(S) Aircraft warned to straighten up, "fly right," and be serious.

I hadnt heard that one before - made me snigger

[colin]

Apols if this has been posted elsewhere, it seems to be doing the rounds[

zz relives his finest moment

Funny for about two minutes.

[grizfoot]

Ronaldo baby footage found

[Darth Paul]

More Zidane jollification!

http://blogs.smh.com.au/mashup/archives//005184.html

May need to cut and paste link but worth it!

[Paul]

Quite like this one

[Presty On Tour]

Quite like this one

i likes that!

i think he should of gone to specsavers!!!

[grizfoot]

Ian Holloway's reaction to playing Real Madrid

[PABBY]

Ian Holloway's reaction to playing Real Madrid

That guy's a star! I wish there were more like him in the world of footie.

[Grabbi Graeme]

Top bloke , couldnt imagine any of the top Prem managers being like that in a press conference, he's great when he is on Soccer AM

[Cocker]

Ian Holloway's reaction to playing Real Madrid

[Rovers Air Force]

Administratum

NASA RESEARCH ANNOUNCES DISCOVERY OF A NEW ELEMENT

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by GM Research physisists. The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of zero. However, it does have 1 neutron, 125 asistant neutrons, 75 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice neutrons. This gives it an atomic number of 312. These 312 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction that it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Adimnistratium caused one reaction to take over four days to complete when it would have normally occuered in less than one second. Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant vice neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that the atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.

Research at other laboratories indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations and universities and can usually be found in the newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any detectable level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results to date are not promising.

[Rovers Air Force]

Car Accidents

Many people who experienced automobile accidents were asked to explain what happened in a few words or less on insurance or accident forms. The following quotes were taken from these forms and were eventually published in the Toronto Sun, July 26, 19...

Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don’t have.

The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intentions.

I thought my window was down, but found out it was up when I put my hand through it.

I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.

A truck backed through my windshield into my wife’s face.

A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.

The guy was all over the road; I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.

I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.

In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.

I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection, a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision. I did not see the other car.

I had been driving my car for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.

I was on my way to the doctors with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident.

As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in place where no stop sign had ever appeared before. I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident.

To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.

My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.

An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle, and vanished.

I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat, I found that I had a skull fracture.

I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the roadway when I struck him.

The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran over him.

I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.

The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.

I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cat.

The telephone pole was approaching fast. I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front.

I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries

Also the world just 'aint not fair on those of us Dyslexics out there!

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert.

The present is a good time to present the present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are present.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

[colin]

Word play eh?

From "New Scientist"

Complex complexities

AND talking of obsession, on 1 October we mentioned Hal Koun's architect who was obsessed with intricate assemblages of buildings and thus had a complex complex complex. Now Ian Cutter points out that this obsession presents in two forms, one of which is simple. If the person suffers from the other form, then they have a complex complex complex complex.

To this, Stephen Gould adds that when there is a group of buildings dedicated to the treatment of this latter form of the condition, it is known as a complex complex complex complex complex.

And Dale Waterson then points out that a person obsessed with such groups of buildings would have...but no, let's not go there.

[colin]

Published by The Washington Post in its annual contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words:

Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs

Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained

Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach

Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk

Willy-nilly (adj.): impotent

Negligent (adj.): describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie

Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp

Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavoured mouthwash

Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle which picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller

Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline

Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam paper

Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists

Pokemon (n.): a Rastafarian proctologist

Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yidddishisms

Frisbeetarianism (n.): the belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there

Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

[Ozz]

Frisbeetarianism (n.): the belief that when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there

Very

[ABBEY]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me.

I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man.

As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today

my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

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