[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Rovermatt]

Click here for a hilarious (if bizarre) remix of that terrible My United States of Whatever song. It's entitled Saunter (I've no idea why) and has obviously been remixed by some pill-heads from Derry. If you can decipher 50% of it then you're doing well.

[colin]

One for the Aussies................

AUSSIE ARMY LIFE

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in

the far south west of Queensland)

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!

I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of ######!!

You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you

reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the

boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,

Sheila

[adopted scouser]

Fella goes the doctors and says 'doctor i feel like a cowboy!'

'how long have you felt like that sir?'

' a yeeeehhaaaa' replied the man

[Cocker]

The Liverpool manager, Rafael Benitez sent scouts out around the world looking for a new striker to replace Milan Baros and hopefully win Liverpool the premiership.

One of the scouts informs him of a young Iraqi striker who he thinks will turn out to be a true superstar.

The Liverpool manager flies to Baghdad to watch him and is suitably impressed and arranges him to come over to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left.

The manager has nothing to lose and gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

Hello mum, guess what?" he says. "I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the

media, they all love me."

"Wonderful," says his mum, "Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and beaten and your

brother has joined a gang of looters, while you were having a great time."

The young lad is very upset, "What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry."

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

[jim mk2]

"Sorry?!" says his mum, "It's your fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place!"

330146[/snapback]

Very funny but plod won't like it.

[adopted scouser]

Very funny but plod won't like it.

330155[/snapback]

Keep trolling.

Strike one FFS

[Eddie]

Well this is a nice little battle developing.

[colin]

Sorry Jim,

You used to be funny. Now you're not. Just a bit boring really.

[cletus]

NEWSFLASH!!

A cargo plane carrying 'gear parts' for a major Japanese car manufacturer exploded in mid-air today. The local weatherman said it was raining datsun cogs.

....very poor

[Flopsy]

yeah MrD's lost his comedy value

[Eddie]

So has cletus

[philipl]

Ordering pizza in 2008

Operator: Thank you for calling Pizza Hut. May I have your national ID number?

Customer: Hi, I'd like to place an order.

Operator: I must have your NIDN first, sir

Customer: My National ID Number, yeah, hold on, eh,

it's 6102049998-45-54610.

Operator: Thank you Mr. Sheehan. I see you live at

1 Meadowland Drive, and the phone number is 01494-2366. Your office number over at Allied Insurance is 08745-2302 and your cell number is 078266-2566. Email address is Sheehan@aol.co.uk

Which number are you calling from sir?

Customer: Huh? I'm at home. Where'd you get all this information?

Operator: We're wired into the NSS, sir.

Customer: The NSS, what is that?

Operator: We're wired into the National Security System, sir. This will add only 15 seconds to your ordering time.

Customer: (sighs) Oh well, I'd like to order a couple of your All-Meat Special pizzas

Operator: I don't think that's a good idea, sir

Customer: Eh?

Operator: Sir, your medical records and commode sensors indicate you've got very high blood pressure and extremely high cholesterol. Your Private Insurance won't allow such an unhealthy choice.

Customer: What?!?! What do you recommend, then?

Operator: You might try our low-fat Soybean Pizza. I'm sure you'll like it.

Customer: What makes you think I'd like something like that?

Operator: Well, you checked out 'Gourmet Soybean Recipes' from your local library last week, sir. That's why I made the suggestion.

Customer: All right, all right. Give me two family-sized ones, then

Operator: That should be plenty for you, your wife and your four kids. Your 2 dogs can finish the crusts, sir. Your total is £19.99.

Customer: Let me give you my credit card number.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but I'm afraid you'll have to pay in cash. Your credit card balance is over its limit.

Customer: I'll run over to the ATM and get some cash before your driver gets here.

Operator: That won't work either, sir. Your bank account is overdrawn also.

Customer: Never mind! Just send the pizzas. I'll have the cash ready.

How long will it take?

Operator: We're running a little behind, sir. It'll be about 45 minutes, sir. If you're in a hurry you might want to pick'em up while you're out getting the cash, but then, carrying pizzas on a motorcycle can be a little awkward.

Customer: Wait! How do you know I ride a scooter?

Operator: It says here you're in arrears on your car payments, so your car got repossessed. But your Harley's paid for and you just filled the tank yesterday.

Customer: Well, I'll be #%#^^&$%^$@#

Operator: I'd advise watching your language, sir. You've already got a July, 2007, conviction for swearing at a policeman and another one I see here in September for contempt at your hearing for swearing at a magistrate. Oh yes, I see here that you just got out from a 90 day stay in Strangeways. Is this your first pizza since your return to society?

Customer: (speechless)

Operator: Will there be anything else, sir?

Customer: Yes, I have a coupon for a free 2 litre bottle of Coke.

Operator: I'm sorry sir, but our ad's exclusionary clause prevents us from offering free coke to diabetics. The New Healthcare Act prohibits this.

Thank you for calling Pizza Hut

[Alan75]

philipl, that post would be funny, if it didnt contain so many worrying factors.

oops hope I havent started another political debate.

[Dan Furness]

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60s, 70s and early 80s probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have PlayStations or Xboxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

The majority of students in universities today were born after 1986........They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Knight Rider, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon after a night out.

3. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

4. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

5. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.

6. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the funny times you have experienced together.

Yes, you're getting old!!!

[Al]

You're damned right there Dan. I used to play Flash Gordon (Not the Queen version) and Roy Rogers. There was only one television in our street and we all gathered together to watch the Queen's coronation.

[Flopsy]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

4 pints of low fat milk,

half dozen eggs,

A carton of orange juice,

An iceberg lettuce,

A large jar of coffee,

And a 1 lb of bacon.

As she was unloading her items at the check out, a drunk standing

behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

"You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was

intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly

unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to

her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said

"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you

know that?"

The drunk replied

..

.

.

.

You're minging

[Philly Rover ®]

(Excuse me if this has been done before.)

A little boy approaches his dad and asks, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?" The dad isn't sure how to word his response, so he replies, "Well, son, I don't think he's either one specifically really--I guess I like to think that God is both a man and a woman." The little boy looks a little puzzled, but says thanks and goes back to his room to play.

A little while later he comes back and asks his dad, "Daddy, is God black or white?" The dad once again stutters with his response, replying, "Well, son, I like to think that God isn't just one race, so I guess you could say that he's black and white. Again, the boy thanks his father and goes away pondering the idea.

A little while later he returns and asks, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"

[bazza]

The New Zealander carried the sheep to his bedroom.

His wife, who was in bed, sat up and looked at him.

"This is the pig I have intercourse with when you have a headache", he said.

She replied, "That's not a pig! It's a sheep."

He said to her....................................

"I was speaking to the sheep".

[cletus]

.....on a similar note:-

A tourist in Australia watches a big farm worker walk past with a sheep under each arm.

The tourist asks "Are you shearing?"

to which the farm worker replies "Nah, i`m gonna f### `em both myself!"

[philipl]

70-year-old Gordon went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back

with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "Gordon, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" Gordon replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom -- *poof* -- the light goes on; when I I'm done -- *poof* -- the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith. "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called Gordon's wife. "Ethel," he said, "Gordon is doing fine. Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and --

*poof* -- the light goes on in the bathroom, and then when he's through -

*poof* -- the light goes off?"

Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

[fee]

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They

couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would

just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought

a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and

picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the

store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who

told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to

1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live

at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this

lot".

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,! carry

the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in

your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll

be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely

widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the

alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have

your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two

chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up

against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the

anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[mode_m]

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60s, 70s and early 80s probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags - riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same.

We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes.

After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded.

We did not have PlayStations or Xboxes, no video games at all. No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt!

We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no law suits.

We had full on fist fights but no prosecution followed from other parents.

We played chap-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us.

We walked to friends' homes.

We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...They actually sided with the law.

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

The majority of students in universities today were born after 1986........They are called youth.

They have never heard of We are the World, We are the children, and the Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle.

For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam.

AIDS has existed since they were born.

CD's have existed since they were born.

Michael Jackson has always been white.

To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance.

They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from last year.

They can never imagine life before computers.

They'll never have pretended to be the A Team, Knight Rider, RedHand Gang or the Famous Five.

They'll never have applied to be on Jim'll Fix It or Why Don't You.

They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone.

Now let's check if we're getting old...

1. You understand what was written above and you smile.

2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon after a night out.

3. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.

4. When you see teenagers with mobile phones, you shake your head.

5. You remember watching Dirty Den in EastEnders the first time around.

6. You meet your friends from time to time, talking about the good old days, repeating again all the funny times you have experienced together.

Yes, you're getting old!!!

331973[/snapback]

That was simply brilliant, even though I had different tv growing up.

Does anybody know who the Wolfman is?

Wolfman

[adopted scouser]

Sign outside a church near Anfield

"Jesus Saves"

then in marker pen underneath

"Dalglish hit the rebound"

[philipl]

Or an earlier version.

Prepare for Jesus' return

and underneath

Drop St John and play him at centre forward

[Cocker]

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go

before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day,

so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she

should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,

"Look at these,

they're the most

perfect breasts

God ever created,

and I'm sure it will please God to

be able to see them every day,

for eternity."

The Angel thanks Dolly,

and asks

Her Majesty the same question.

The

Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse,

shakes it up, and gargles.

Then, she spits into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel

says, "OK, your Majesty, you may go in."

Dolly is outraged and asks,

"What was that all about?

I show you two

of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.

She spits into a

commode and she gets in!

Would you explain that to me?"

"Sorry, Dolly," says the Angel,

"but even in Heaven,

a royal flush

beats a pair - no matter how big they are.