[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Presty On Tour]

the crocodile hunter jokes!!!

apparently jimmy nail is playing at the funeral, the family thought sting would be wrong!!!

apparently the crocodile hunter sun cream has been removed from all super market stores!

from reasearch it does not protect you from harmfull rays!!!

i'll get me coat!!!

[SouthAussieRover]

A gay man, finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents, went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner. He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, "Mum, I have something to tell you, I'm gay." His mother made no reply or gave any response, and the guy was about to repeat it to make sure she'd heard him, when she turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, "You're gay, doesn't that mean you have oral sex with other men?"

The guy said nervously, "Uh, yeah, Mum, that's right."

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around and WHACKED him over the head with her spoon and said, "Don't you EVER complain about the taste of my cooking again!"

[S15]

the crocodile hunter jokes!!!

apparently jimmy nail is playing at the funeral, the family thought sting would be wrong!!!

apparently the crocodile hunter sun cream has been removed from all super market stores!

from reasearch it does not protect you from harmfull rays!!!

i'll get me coat!!!

Why do people insist on telling unfunny and utterly untasteful jokes immediately after a fellow human being has died?

[Flopsy]

to show our contempt towards death? Honestly I dont know - but it took 90 minutes from me finding out about SI's death for the first joke to hit my inbox.

I think people have a number of templates and add the names accordingly.

[Ozz]

Why did the Avon Lady become pregnant?

'Cos Max Factor.

Why was Leiutenant Uhura on Star Trek black?

'Cos William Shatner.

[philipl]

It's grim out there- this thread was half way down the second page.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.

"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"

[Cocker]

Q. What do a Rubic cube and a penis have in common?

A. The longer you play with them , the harder they get.

Q. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesnt?

A. A navel.

Q.Why did God create Adam before he created Eve?

A. Because he didnt want anyone telling him how to do it.

Q. Why dont women wear watches?

A. There´s a clock on the cooker.

Q. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?

A. They hang around after the man leaves and talk to the woman.

Q. Whats the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?

A. You only have to take a wheelie bin out once a week.

Q. What did one lesbian frog say to the other?

A. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN !!

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex?

A. Call her and tell her.

Q. How do men sort out their laundry?

A. Filthy , and filthy but wearable.

Q. What´s the difference between a 40 year old man and a 40 year old woman?

A. A 40 year old woman dreams of having children , a 40 year old man dreams of dating them.

Q. What 3 little words ruin a man´s ego?

A. Is it in?

[Cheshireblue]

The difference between "guts" and "balls":

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the lads, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ar$e and having the balls to say,

"You're next fatty."

[PABBY]

An old one, I know, but this thread's been a bit too quiet lately .....

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten..." As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on (as it invariably does...) and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came lose to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious cod gain and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn. He begs the cod to change him back so, lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply. Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again." Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me.

You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed ..... (scroll down)

I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian"

[ah]

What do Richard Hammond and Elton John have in common

They both have skid marks on their helmet

[adopted scouser]

What do I and Elton John have in common

Neither one of us are funny !

Guy's got brain damage, kids at his bedside. Behave.

[Nayef]

What do you do when your dishwasher breaks down?

Kick her.

[ah]

Simon Weston is planning a falklands reunion.

For more information go to www.friendsreignited.com

This post has been edited by adopted scouser: Mar 1 2006, 12:32

True neither of us are funny ??????????????

[philipl]

Unlike ah, these are funny- this originated from Moscow.

Why People Like The British - From British Newspapers

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1) Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

2) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News)

3) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian)

4) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times)

5) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express)

6) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".

6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."

7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver

announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."

8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."

10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"

13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!"

14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

[SouthAussieRover]

A wife came home from work early one day and found her husband in their

bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

The wife was VERY upset! "You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried."How

dareyou do this to me a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm

leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And he replied: "Hang on just a minute luv, so at least I can tell you what

happened"

"Fine, go ahead", she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to

me!"

And he began: "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young

lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenceless

that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told

me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her

home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you

last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on

weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up I suggested a shower and while she was

doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw

them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that

you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say the are too

tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you

don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear

just to annoy her and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive

boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair

like them.."

He took a quick breath and continued: "She was so grateful for my

understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with

tears in her eyes and said "Please........do you have anything else that

your wife doesn't use?'

[1864roverite]

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a

little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. "Nice

bike," the cop said "did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little

girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a £5 ticket

for a safety violation.The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a

reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got

there sir, did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at

the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa

the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top

Speeding ticket?

While I was driving down the A40 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been)I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied: "I'm late for work."

To which he asked: "What do you do?"

I responded: "I'm a rectum stretcher"

The copper was surprised and confused : "A rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously : "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied : "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge .."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Penalty Points : 3

[Ozz]

What's the most common owl in the UK?

The Teat-Owl.

[adopted scouser]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other

day.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we

used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting

up and rekindling a little of that 'magic`.

Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a

it older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!!

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline

that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly!

She teased me saying that tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she

giggled...................

So I told her to f**k off.

[cletus]

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a

woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is

a description of how the store operates.

You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes

of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor,

or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to

exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have

jobs.

The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.

The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and

are extremely good looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs,

love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have

jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have

a strong romantic streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign

reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on

this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to

please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

A new wives store opened across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.

Enough said ???

[dave birch]

I noticed this on the ABC news website:

Outback trip in reverse stuns police

Police say they were astounded at the actions of a man they say was trying to drive from Kalgoorlie, in south-eastern Western Australia, to Perth, in reverse.

Police from Perth's specialist traffic enforcement group were just outside Coolgardie, 50 kilometres west of Kalgoorlie, yesterday afternoon when they say they saw a car coming over a hill very slowly.

Officers pulled him over and allege the 23-year-old Perth man told them his transmission had failed so he was driving the 500 kilometres in reverse.

It is alleged he told officers he had reached speeds of 80 kilometres an hour but had had to slow down to 65 kph because he was swerving too much.

He was charged with reckless driving and is due to appear in Coolgardie court on Monday.

[Nayef]

In 1994 at the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science,AAFS.

The President Dr Don Harter Mills astounded his audience with legal complications of a bizarre death.

There are times that I really wonder why I studied law....

On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus.

He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten strory building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Orinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.

The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast eminated, was occupied by an elderly couple.

They were arguing vigorously and the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down.

When one intends to kill a subject "A" but kills subject "B' by mistake one is guilty of murder of subject "B"

When confronted with the charge of murder the old man and his wife were adamant and both said that they thought the gun was unloaded.

The old man explained that it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with an un-loaded shotgun during the course of their arguments. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an unfortunate accident; that is, if the gun had been accidently loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the argument and fatal shooting.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the ponpensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his Father would shoot his Mother.

Since the loader of the gun, was aware of this, he was guilty of murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisit twist.

Further investigations revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his Mother's murder on March 23rd 1994 he went to the the top of the ten story building and jumped off, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself.

[American]

Never happened, let me beat Glenn to it:

http://www.snopes.com/horrors/freakish/opus.htm

[Cheshireblue]

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of a department store and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."

"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.

"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?

"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied, "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Islamic types. Which one would you prefer?"

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.

The saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple..............

The Catholic type supports the masses.

The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen.

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright, and

The Islamic type makes mountains out of mole hills."

[adopted scouser]

The Islamic type makes mountains out of mole hills."

[cletus]

Had a good day yesterday! Had a birdie on the 3rd, an eagle on the 8th & an albatros on the 13th! Then when Bill Oddie p155ed off i had a game of golf aswell!

(Paddy McGuiness...on telly last night)