[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Cocker]

Rejected cards:-

"Looking back over the years that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder:...

-- What was I thinking?"

"Congratulations on your wedding day!...

-- Too bad no one likes your wife."

"How could two people as beautiful as you....

-- have such an ugly baby?"

"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love...

-- After having met you, I've changed my mind."

"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life...

-- I never believed in Hell until I met you."

"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

-- that you're not here to ruin it for me."

"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me...

-- Like the need for therapy."

"Thanks for being a part of my life!!!...

-- I never knew what evil was before this!"

"Before you go,...

I would like you to take this knife out of my back.

-- You'll probably need it again."

"Someday I hope to get married...

-- but not to you."

"You look great for your age...

-- Almost Lifelike!"

"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me...

-- Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept your promise."

"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend...

-- So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys."

"We have been friends for a very long time...

-- What do you say we call it quits?"

"I'm so miserable without you...

-- It's almost like you're here."

"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy...

-- Did you ever find out who the father was?"

"You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

-- I'd miss you heaps and think of you often."

[Cheshireblue]

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then, you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension, then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You retire to university, drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid , you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and then, you finish off as an orgasm.

[Cocker]

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year schoolchildren, using a bowl of fruit Polo's. He gave all the children the same kind of Polo, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour.

The children began to say:

"Red............cherry,"

"Yellow.........lemon,"

"Green..........lime,"

"Orange........orange."

Finally the professor gave them all honey Polos.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," he said "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled:

"Oh My God!!!! They're arse-holes!!"

[Cocker]

[Cocker]

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.

St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"

The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

[colin]

A Lancashire farmer won the lottery and went down to London on a spending spree. He spotted a shop that boasted it could create scale models of anything in real gold and chose to have his trusty sheepdog immortalised. "Eighteen carat?" said the shop assistant. "Nay lad, we'll have him chewing on a bone!" he replied.

[Cheshireblue]

Question. What is red, white and fluffy and lives in a tree?

Ans. A Sanitary Owl

[herbergeehh]

Stewie Griffin, the evil infant

50 Cent Rant

Stewie on a mission

[Cocker]

Stewie Griffin, the evil infant

50 Cent Rant

Stewie on a mission

Family Guy is awsome.

I really like Quagmire - Click

[adopted scouser]

Ringo asks Paul if he would ever go down on one knee again?

Paul says "NO! And would you please call her Heather!!!!"

[bb3]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are

facing divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.

Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

News reports have confirmed that Paul McCartney has separated from his wife

Heather Mills-McCartney. Mrs Mills-McCartney is said to be distraught over

the split. "He has been my crutch for so long"! She said in an earlier

briefing, "I have no idea why this has happened, I'm really stumped"

"She's running around in circles", according to a close friend, "she will

need all the support she can get. It's not like its easy to walk out on a

relationship like this"

After his break up with Heather, Paul was asked if he would ever consider

going down on one knee again. Paul said he would prefer it if we called her

Heather.

It is not known whether a pre-nuptial agreement was signed prior to the

marriage. Paul McCartney is one of the richest men in the world, and if an

agreement has been signed it is believed that she won't have a leg to stand

on.

Rumours abound over the split which have suggested that infidelity may have

been the cause. "She's terrible" a source stated, "always trying to get her

leg over".

Another source has suggested that her battle with alcoholism was the cause.

"Macca couldn't handle it anymore" a friend said, "he would get home at

night and find her legless"

Many have attributed this to a problem which started with the present that

Paul bought her prior to the wedding. He gave her a new prosthetic leg for

Christmas but that was just a stocking-filler.

A miner in Africa has an accident and loses a leg. He says to his mate "I'm

f---ed, who will want a one legged gold digger?" His mate says "try Paul

McCartney"

Finally a poem by Sir Paul McCartney:

I lay upon a grassy bank

My hands were all a quiver

I slowly removed her suspender belt and her leg fell in the river

These jokes are funny but lets spare a thought for Paul please. Now she has

left him, he's going to struggle to find another woman who can fill her

shoe.

[adopted scouser]

DA VINCI CODE

Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:

A naked Woman, a Donkey, A Spade, A Fish and the Star of David.

It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old

The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.

The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey,

so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."

Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,

"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......

It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chick

[1864roverite]

While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems

there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts,

you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the man.

"Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up What we'll do

is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven Then you

can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.

"I'm sorry, but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes

down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself

in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse

and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians

who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him,

shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while

getting rich at the expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar

and champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who

has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a

good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator

rises...

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit heaven."

So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now

choose your eternity."

The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."

So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down,

down to hell.

Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a

barren land covered with waste and garbage.

He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and

putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

"I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here

and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and

caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now

there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?"

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...... Today you voted!!!"

[Cocker]

ignore :ph34r:

[herbergeehh]

[adopted scouser]

A farmer is wondering how many sheep he has in his field, so he asks

his sheepdog to count them. The dog runs into the field, counts them,

and then runs back to his master.

"So," says the farmer. "How many sheep were there?"

"40," replies the dog.

"How can there be 40?" exclaims the farmer. "I only bought 38!"

"I know," says the dog. "But I rounded them up."

[Cocker]

Rovers interested in Beckham - Funny of the year

[Paul]

Classis AS, I love those jokes.

[eddiecolne]

Indian Telephone Operator

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India.

The Personnel Manager said, "Mujibar, you have passed all the tests except one. Unless you pass it you cannot qualify for this job."

Mujibar said, "I am ready."

The Manager said, "Make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink and Green."

Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, "Mister Manager, I am ready."

The Manager said, "Go ahead."

Mujibar said, "The telephone goes green, green, green, and I pink it up, and say, 'Yellow, this is Mujibar.'"

Mujibar now works as a technician at a call centre for computer problems. No doubt you have spoken to him.

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

Milton, the first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

Marvin, the second said, " I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

Michael, the third said, "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

Melvin, the fourth said, "You know how Mamma loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mamma just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed.

After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.

She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home, I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me and expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture; just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you!"

[colin]

A visitor to a mental institution asked the the director how he decided which patients needed to be kept in.

The Director said "We fill up a bath, then offer the patient a teaspoon, a teacup, or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath."

The visitor said "Oh I see, a sane person would choose the bucket because it's the biggest."

The Director said " No, a sane person would pull out the f*****g plug."

"Would you like a bed near the window?"

[Cocker]

Allegedly a true story from an Arsenal season-ticket holder

His season-ticket last year was an absolute plum seat half way up the Highbury main stand close to the half-way line. In other words, a TV camera style view.

Anyway, after the first few games of the season it became apparent that despite all the home games being sell-outs, the two seats on his left were always empty. This continued until just after Christmas when all of a sudden a guy and his young son appeared there.

After a few weeks of sitting next to this guy and his son, he decided to ask if the guy knew why the seats had been empty for half the season. The response is legendary:

'Yeah don't even go there mate. The wife bought me and my son a season ticket but decided it would be a nice idea to give us them for Christmas. I was raging!

[FourLaneBlue]

Cocker - that was also allegedly a true story the previous 50 or so times I've heard it over the years!

It's one in the list of overused football jokes along with

Boss - "You're gonna be left back today, son"

Player - "Really?"

Boss - "Yeah, left back in the changing rooms...you're sh1#e"

another -

Two men are fishing near Padiham when one says to the other "Burnley have just lost again haven't they?", to which the other wonders "How do you know that?". "Well, it's ten to five isn't it?."

oh and lots of others that have been doing the rounds for a century or so!

[adopted scouser]

FLB, jokes that have been doing the rounds forever. What time is it in Wigan if you're looking at a pie ?

Summat ta eight

[cletus]

I got thrown out of a muslim lap-dancing club the other day. All i did was shout "Get yer face out for the lads!"

[Grabbi Graeme]

I got thrown out of a muslim lap-dancing club the other day. All i did was shout "Get yer face out for the lads!"

I went to a WMC the other week and a singer who was on told that joke but scanned the room first to make sure no muslim people were in there.

He also told a joke about his Asian friend who runs a Karoke bar called Getupto Singh