[Archived] Friday Funnies

[dave birch]

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was

on the verge of being burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be

beneficial, he decided to change careers and become a mechanic.

He found out from the local technical college what was involved,

signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned

all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the

gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the

exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was

surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying "I don't want

to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered

if there had been an error which needed adjusting."

The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart

perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the

engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because

you did all of it through the muffler".

[Jim J]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "Idon't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit." We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,"WHAT?"

I then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

[herbergeehh]

Thanks, Jim - nice twist.

[Flopsy]

how do you cheer up a snooker table?

Play with its balls

I thank you

[colin]

The old ones are the best.....

Some years ago a young man called Ron wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new

girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived a

considerable distance away. He consulted with his sister and decided after

careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the

right note, not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods ladies dept and they selected a

dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of

knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items,

the sister got the gloves and Ron got the knickers. Good old Ron sent off

his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter:

Dear Sasha,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go

out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen

the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to

remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady i bought them from showed me

the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly

soiled at all.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even

though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub

against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to

wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many

other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they

will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love

Ron.

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with

a little bit of fur showing.

[fee]

A guy walks into a bakery and is inspecting the cakes on display.

"excuse me but could you tell me if that's a macaroon or a meringue?" he asks.

The Glaswegian shopkeeper replies "No your right, it IS a macaroon"

three blokes with speech impediments are in therapy. the therapist is a beautiful petite blonde woman who says "if any of you can tell me where you live without stuttering i'll let you make love to me"

the first guy says "Mmmmmanchesterrr"

the second guy says "Bbbirmmmingghamm"

the third guy says "London"

Just as he is getting dressed afterwards he says "...derrry!"

[adopted scouser]

New Asian Rap artist ?

Halal Cool J

[Cocker]

BRILLIANT

[Jim J]

21 things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

21. I do like a good stuffing.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year

[Grabbi Graeme]

From a while back but still funny

Maths made easy with Manchester United

From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.

1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.

2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?

3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of

internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.

4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?

(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)

4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?

5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?

6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)

6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.

7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?

(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).

8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?

9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)

10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).

11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?

12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.

Two boys are playing football in the park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck. All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Blackburn fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Blackburn fan." The reporter starts again: "Preston fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Preston fan either." The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Burnley," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "Burnley b*****d kills family pet"

[Jordan]

What is the difference between Mr Kipling and an Ipswich Prostitute.

Mr Kipling only puts 6 tarts in a box.

Ipswich's game against Leeds at the Weekend has be postponed after a

dyslexic murderer killed all of the substitutes.

[Jim J]

Job vacancy... Prostitutes required ipswich area good rates of pay but the shifts are murder

Brrr, you think its cold here! Its minus 5 in Ipswich

:ph34r:

[herbergeehh]

What is the difference between Mr Kipling and an Ipswich Prostitute.

Mr Kipling only puts 6 tarts in a box.

Ipswich's game against Leeds at the Weekend has be postponed after a

dyslexic murderer killed all of the substitutes.

To quote Jon Stewart: Please don't make me laugh at this..

[Glenn]

Stolen from last week's Popbitch

Why shouldn't you make love to stupid dwarves ?

Becuase it's not big and it's not clever.

[ABBEY]

the dwarf i banged liked it big

[Jordan]

Stolen from last week's Popbitch

Why shouldn't you make love to stupid dwarves ?

Becuase it's not big and it's not clever.

Tell that to debs!!

[1864roverite]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking his morning

tea when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is

confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling,

"You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car

exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the

Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You Sign! You sign!" Nelson says to

him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in

his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again.

When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of

brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You

sign!

You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes

the little Chinese man back, shouting: "Look, go away!

You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in

his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he

hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same

little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You

sign! You sign!"

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts.

This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little

man

by his shirt front and yells at him: "Look, I don't want these! Do you

understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these

to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard

and says:

(It's a beauty)

(wait for it)

(Get your best Chinese accent ready)

You not Nissan Main Deala ?

[Ozz]

You're not supposed to pull the crackers till the 25th mate.

[1864roverite]

Ozz you venturing to Germany ?

[Ozz]

Yes-my banning order has now elapsed.

[Flopsy]

Thats you that is.

Anyone remember this, ive finally found a DVD of the series

[JonnyH]

Thats you that is.

Anyone remember this, ive finally found a DVD of the series

Been looking for that Flops. Where did you track one down to?

[Flopsy]

http://www.raretvshows.co.uk/shop/index.php

it might not be truely legal, or DVD quality, however who gives a (Please don't use that word again)? they wont release them so sod them.

Im so tempted to get Star Fleet

[cletus]

It took Peter Sutcliffe 10 years to kill 13 women.

This new killer has done 5 in only 10 days!

....which just goes to show, you can`t get quicker than an Ipswich ripper!

....i`ll get me coat

[colin]

footballers falling over

OK it's a bit Homer Simpson, but what the heck.