[Archived] Friday Funnies

[cletus]

A blonde woman rings the fire brigade saying her house is on fire.

"how do we get there?" asked the operator.

The blonde replied "HELLO???....IN THE BIG RED TRUCK!!"

[dave birch]

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their

bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in

front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why

are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we

were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and

sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies.

The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember

when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside

him.

The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my

face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail

for 20 years?'"

"I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten

out today."

[Jordan]

6th Body Found in Ipswich!!

She was face down in a field with a packet of Frosties, a pint of milk & a spoon hanging out her arse.

Bloody cereal killers!

[adopted scouser]

Bernard Matthews has put up a £10,000 reward for the arrest of a Norfolk prostitute killer.

He commented - "I've been strangling birds round here for years... this is my f***in' patch "!

[Cocker]

It was Christmas and the wife was waiting as the bin waggon pulled up...one by one she took the operatives round behing the shed and gave them a good seeing too..finally it was the turn of the driver..he got out of the cab but the wife just gave him £20 instead..he couldn't belive he wasn't getting a jump..what's this for he asked? for Christmas she replied, my hubby said give thedriver £20 and fook the rest....

[adopted scouser]

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've

got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says

"Tennish? but I dont even have a racket."

[Rovers Air Force]

> Subject: how to keep a woman happy

>!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

> It's SOOOO simple :-)) How to Make a Woman Happy

>

> It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:

>

> 1. a friend

> 2. a companion

> 3. a lover

> 4. a brother

> 5. a father

> 6. a master

> 7. a chef

> 8. an electrician

> 9. a carpenter

> 10. a plumber

> 11. a mechanic

> 12. a decorator

> 13. a stylist

> 14. a sexologist

> 15. a gynecologist

> 16. a psychologist

> 17. a pest exterminator

> 18. a psychiatrist

> 19. a healer

> 20. a good listener

> 21. an organizer

> 22. a good father

> 23. very clean

> 24. sympathetic

> 25. athletic

> 26. warm

> 27. attentive

> 28. gallant

> 29. intelligent

> 30. funny

> 31. creative

> 32. tender

> 33. strong

> 34. understanding

> 35. tolerant

> 36. prudent

> 37. ambitious

> 38. capable

> 39. courageous

> 40. determined

> 41. true

> 42. dependable

> 43. passionate

> 44. compassionate

>

> WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

>

> 45. give her compliments regularly

> 46. love shopping

> 47. be honest

> 48. be very rich

> 49. not stress her out

> 50. not look at other girls

>

> AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

>

> 51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

> 52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself

> 53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

>

> IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

>

> 54. Never to forget:

> * birthdays

> * anniversaries

> * arrangements she makes

>

> HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

>

> 1. Show up naked

> 2. Bring food

[Rovers Air Force]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and

wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral."

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

(you're gonna love this)

(its a real treat)

(a masterpiece)

(wait for it)

The bank manager says

"It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........)

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!!

Have a lovely day

[Flopsy]

I wanted to send some sort of Christmas and New Year greeting to my friends, but it is so difficult in today's world to know exactly what to say without offending someone. In these days of legislation one has to be so careful. So I met with my lawyer yesterday and on his advice I wish to say the following:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced with the most enjoyable traditions of religious persuasion or secular practices of your choice with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.

I also wish you all a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2007, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make our country great (not to imply that the UK is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee.

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms:

This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent seasonal

greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.

Disclaimer: No trees were harmed in the sending of this message; however, a significant number of electrons were slightly inconvenienced.

[jim mk2]

Monkey business

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F9hG3QkYV1w&NR

[cletus]

txt message i received...

To all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2006.....it did fook all!

For 2007 could you please send either money, beer or petrol vouchers.

Cheers!

[adopted scouser]

Great

[Presty On Tour]

this cracked me up fairplay

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=...480458&hl=en-GB

[yorkblues]

got some saddam hussein shirts for sale.

a bit tight around the neck but they hang well!!

[ABBEY]

elton john released DANGLE IN THE WIND .tribute to saddam

[cletus]

Ipswich town council are to sue the NCB (National Coal Board) in relation to the appearance of a slag heap in the town.

(i`ll get me coat.....)

[Presty On Tour]

how do you get a fat girl into bed?

piece of cake!!

what do you call a chicken wearing a shell suit?

the egg!!

don't you just miss xmas!

[Foxxx]

Chelsea in £9m bid for Watford’s points

[colin]

This came from NZ, which may or may not explain the Australian reference...........

At the end of the tax year, the Australian Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the inspector, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Australian Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick

[Cocker]

[adopted scouser]

Michael Jackson has asked Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez to be his new manager, so he can get spanked at home by eleven kids!

[Presty On Tour]

http://www.nuts.co.uk/boards/attachment.ph...00&d=1168510484

http://www.nuts.co.uk/boards/attachment.ph...01&d=1168510527

http://www.nuts.co.uk/boards/attachment.ph...02&d=1168510571

[Presty On Tour]

don't blame me, i'm just the messenger

I've removed the link because the moment I clicked it my anti-virus siftware kicked in. It may be part of the wind up but it's too early in the morning to look into. Sorry.

[Biddy]

don't blame me, i'm just the messenger

I've removed the link because the moment I clicked it my anti-virus siftware kicked in. It may be part of the wind up but it's too early in the morning to look into. Sorry.

ARSE!

[Jordan]

ARSE!

Get in I passed!