[Archived] Friday Funnies

[colin]

don't blame me, i'm just the messenger

I've removed the link because the moment I clicked it my anti-virus siftware kicked in. It may be part of the wind up but it's too early in the morning to look into. Sorry.

I don't know if you meant for my computer to crash with that link, but it did. Thankfully It's back up now.

Not happy

[yorkblues]

don't blame me, i'm just the messenger

I've removed the link because the moment I clicked it my anti-virus siftware kicked in. It may be part of the wind up but it's too early in the morning to look into. Sorry.

ha ha ha ha should not have but i did

[Eddie]

That link always caused my computer problems, could we please have it removed?

[grizfoot]

Michael Jackson has asked Liverpool manager Rafa Benitez to be his new manager, so he can get spanked at home by eleven kids!

lol, I'm definately gonna tell that to my Liverpool fan friend.

[SuperStella]

NEW WORDS FOR 2007

TESTICULATING

Waving your arms around and talking ######.

BLAMESTORMING.

Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

SEAGULL MANAGER

A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

ASSMOSIS.

The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

SALMON DAY.

The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

CUBE FARM.

An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING.

When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

SITCOMs.

Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

SINBAD.

Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

STRESS PUPPY.

A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.

PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.

The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

ADMINISPHERE.

The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes.

404.

Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested document could not be located.

OHNOSECOND.

That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all')

AEROPLANE BLONDE.

One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT.

The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3am .

BEER COMPASS.

The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

BRITNEY SPEARS.

Modern Slang for 'beers', e.g."Couple of Britney's please"

GREYHOUND.

A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS.

A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES.

The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH .

A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo!Oo!Oo! Aa!Aa!Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS.

The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI.

The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-Pinter in your bed instead.

PEARLHARBOUR.

Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbor " out there (there's a nasty nip in the air)

PICASSO BUM.

A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks

SALAD DODGER.

An excellent phrase for an overweight person

TART FUEL.

Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women

[MI ROVER]

http://www.filecabi.net/video/radio-dumper.html

[Cocker]

Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of reading Sheila Kitzinger and decorating the nursery. Here are eleven simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare themselves for the real life experience of being a mother or father

Women: Put on a dressing gown and stick a bean bag down the front. Leave it there for nine months. After nine months take out 10% of the beans. Men: go to the chemist, tip the contents of your wallet on the counter and invite the pharmacist to help himself, then go to the supermarket and arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office. Go home pick up the paper and read it for the last time.

Before you go ahead and have children find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels and how they have allowed their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behaviour. Enjoy it - it will be the last time you have all the answers.

To discover how the nights will feel walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing about 8 - l0 lbs. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm clock for midnight and go to sleep. Get up at 12pm and walk around with the bag again until 1am. Set the alarm for 3am. As you can't get back to sleep get up at 2am and make a drink. Go to bed at 2 45am. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4am. Set the alarm for 5am. Get up at 5am and make the breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Can you stand the mess children make? To find out smear marmite on the sofa and jam on the curtains. Hide a fish finger behind the stereo and leave it there throughout the Summer. Stick your fingers in the flower bed - then wipe them clean on the wall paper. Cover the stairs with crayons. How does that look?

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems. First buy an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag, so that none of its arms stick out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

Take an egg carton, Using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet roll tube. Using only Copydex and a piece of foil make a Christmas cracker. Last take a milk container, ping-pong ball and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops then make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations you have just qualified for a place on the Playgroup Committee.

Forget the Peugeot 205 and buy a Sierra. And don't think you can leave it on the driveway spotless and shining, family cars don't look like that. Take a choc-ice and put it in the glove compartment and leave it there. Get a 20p piece, stick it in the cassette player. Take a family sized pack of chocolate biscuits, mash them down the back seat. Take a garden rake - run it along both sides of the car. There - perfect.

Get ready to go out. Wait outside the loo for half an hour. Go out the front door. Come back in again, go out, come back in again, go out again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes. Stop to inspect every cigarette end, piece of chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect on the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you have had just about as much as you can stand until the neighbours come out to stare at you. Give up and go back home again. Do it all over again. You are now just about ready to take a small child for a walk.

Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is ideal. If you intend to have more than one child then take more than one goat. Buy your groceries without letting the goats out of' your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even consider having children.

Hollow out a melon, make a small hole in the side, suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now take a bowl of soggy Weetabix and try to spoon it into the swaying melon whilst pretending to be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix has gone, tip the rest in your lap making sure that a lot of it ends up on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12 month old baby.

Learn the names of every character from the Care Bears, Postman Pat, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "I wanna be a Care Bear" at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

[cletus]

http://www.filecabi.net/video/radio-dumper.html

That is just so brilliant (& deserved!)

[Presty On Tour]

http://www.filecabi.net/video/radio-dumper.html

gobsmacked is the word

[Eddie]

*

[Flopsy]

I dont think you can link to that - but LOL LOL LOL

[Cocker]

Dont think this is a funny more of a well done sir:-

TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO, HE IS THE COUNTY SHERIFF (ARIZONA) AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER AGAIN

These are some of the reasons why:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio created the "tent city jail" to save Arizona from spending tens of million of dollars on another expensive prison complex.

He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them

He banned smoking and porno magazines in the jails, and took away their weightlifting equipment and cut off all but "G" movies. He says: "they're in jail to pay a debt to society not to build muscles so they can assault innocent people when they leave

He started chain gangs to use the inmates to do free work on county and city projects and save taxpayer's money.

Then he started chain gangs for women so he wouldn't get sued for discrimination.

He took away cable TV until he found out there was a federal court order that required cable TV for jails. So he hooked up the cable TV again but only allows the Disney channel and the weather channel.

When asked why the weather channel he replied: "so these morons will know how hot it's gonna be while they are working on my chain gangs."

He cut off coffee because it has zero nutritional value and is therefore a waste of taxpayer money. When the inmates complained, he told them, "This isn't the Ritz/Carlton. If you don't like it, don't come back."

He also bought the Newt Gingrich lecture series on US history that he pipes into the jails. When asked by a reporter if he had any lecture series by a Democrat, he replied that a democratic lecture series that actually tells the truth for a change would be welcome and that it might even explain why 95% of the inmates were in his jails in the first place.

With temperatures being even hotter than usual in Phoenix (116 degrees just set a new record for June 2nd), the Associated Press reports: About 2,000 inmates living in a barbed- wire-surrounded tent encampment at the Maricopa County Jail have been given permission to strip down to their government-issued pink boxer shorts

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing pink boxer shorts were chatting in the tents, where temperatures reached 128 degrees. "This is hell. It feels like we live in a furnace," said Ernesto Gonzales, an inmate for 2 years with 10 more to go. "It's inhumane."

Joe Arpaio, who makes his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic. "Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for parole, only to go out and commit more crimes so they can come back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things many taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves."

Wednesday he told all the inmates who were complaining of the heat in the tents: "It's between 120 to 130 degrees in Iraq and our soldiers are living in tents too, and they have to walk all day in the sun, wearing full battle gear and get shot at, and they have not committed any crimes, so shut your damned mouths!"

Way to go, Sheriff! If all prisons were like yours there would be a lot less crime and we would not be in the current position of running out of prison spaces.

[ABBEY]

[Cocker]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders

three more.

The bartender says to him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America , the other in Australia , and I'm here in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we all drank together."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "Everyone is fine. It's me..."

"...I've quit drinking!"

[Cocker]

[Flopsy]

[dave birch]

and to make matters more interesting Ansett haven't flown for how many years?

Its employees are still waiting for their entitlements.

When it was flying it was ordinary, and it happened to get screwed over by a company owned by the employer of a member of this very messageboard.

[Cocker]

David Blaine (well not really but quite funny)

[Presty On Tour]

what gets longer

when pulled,

fits between your tits,

inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked?

a seatbelt u pervert,

buckle up and pass it on........

[dave birch]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

" Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely......

“A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?”

[Presty On Tour]

the idiot test

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=21609

[Presty On Tour]

us president bush

[adopted scouser]

What's the difference between Rape and Football ?

Women don't like football.

[dave birch]

I liked this, I lifted it from the beeb site:

Down in South America, a Boca Juniors fan is suing a tattooist who inked a giant penis on to his back instead of the club crest he requested.

Unbeknown to him, the tattooist was a supporter of arch-rivals River Plate and could not bring himself to do the dirty deed.

The victim told police: "I could not see what he was tattooing because he didn't have a mirror. I only saw it when I got home and showed it to my parents." Ouch.

[fee]

A young lad doing his school homework asks his Dad:

"What's the difference between theoretically and realistically Dad?"

"Well, let me think..." Says Dad, " OK, ask your Mum of she would sleep with the milkman for a million pounds."

So the boy runs off and comes back with an answer,

"Yep she would!"

"OK" says Dad, "Go and ask your sister if she'll sleep with the paperboy for 2 million pounds"

So he runs off and again comes back with a yes.

"Well, there you have it son, theoretically we're sitting on 3 Million, but realistically we're living with a couple of slappers."