[Archived] Friday Funnies

[fee]

A little red indian boy asks his dad one day "how do we get our names?"

"Well" say's his dad "We get our names from the first thing that the mother sees as she leaves the wigwam after giving birth, for instance I am called "Prowling Cougar" because that's the first thing my mother saw on leaving the wigwam.

Your mother is called "Autumn Moon" because that's the first thing her mother saw, and your sister is called "Babbling Brook" because that's the first thing you mother saw...."

The little Indian boy sat looking glum and after a while his father said...

"Why do you ask "Two Dogs Sh@gging?"

[bazza]

I came across an old e-mail from Spenny; 10th April 03; brought a smile to my face.

Here it is to lighten up your Friday:-

Saddam Hussain has just made an appearance on Iraqi television.

He said....... "To prove this is live, Burnley were @#/? on Saturday".

A British Goverment spokesman denied the live claim and said..... "This

broadcast could have been recorded at any time in the last 20 years"

[adopted scouser]

Why did the baker's hands smell?

He kneaded a poo.

[Presty On Tour]

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back,just before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed that the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to blot herself with, so she took her panties off, used them and discarded them. The second, not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a nearby flower wreath.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out; it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties..."

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her butt that read, "We will never forget you."

[Cocker]

(Obviously this isnt my story/joke)

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome

including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you

laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something

wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his

bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I

immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my gosh!" my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I

accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.(I

actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving,

calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know." she informed me.

(again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I

shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience.” I announced. "We're about to

witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little

lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty

here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot

would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife

whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

“Okay, okay!" Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next

appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with

the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk

us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding

the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so

cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is

of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal

through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you

privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't

EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male, and

occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um....

masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just... just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then

even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I

married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing

you pulling on it’s... it’s... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to howl in

laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards

and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea."

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

1 - Lizards - $140...

2 - Cage - $50...

3 - Trip to the Vet - $30...

4 - Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie.....Priceless

[Cocker]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have

lost at least 5 pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 POUNDS!

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?"

"No, from the f**kin' skippin", the Irishman said.

[Cocker]

Paddy's doing well on "Who wants to be a Millionaire".

He's got £500,000. Chris Tarrant asks him the big question for 1 Million quid.

"Paddy, for £1 million, who was the great train robber? Was it

A, Ronnie Barker;

B, Ronnie O'Sullivan;

C, Ronnie Corbett; or was it

D, Ronnie Biggs?"

Paddy say's "Oi'll take de money please, Chris."

Chris reminds him that he still has his 3 life lines left.

Paddy again say's "Nope, Oi'll take de money please, Chris"

"You don't want to phone a friend?" says Chris.

"No t'anks, Oi'll take de money - foinal answer."

"OK" says Chris, looking bemused. "Give him a round of applause, ladies and gentlemen, Paddy goes away with £500,000! However, before you go you'll obviously want to know what the answer was, Paddy."

Paddy said "No, yer alroight, Oi knew de answer anyway, t'anks Chris"

"You knew it anyway... Are you mad?!?!" asks Chris, "Are you mental?!?!"

Paddy says, "Oi moight be mental Chris, but Oi'm no grass!"

[fee]

A little girl walks into the lounge one Sunday morning while her Dad is

reading the paper.

"Daddy, where does poo come from?" she asks.

The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is

Already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says:

"Well you know we just ate breakfast?"

"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the

Good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we

Go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares, at him with watery eyes in

Stunned silence for a few seconds and asks:

.

.

.

"And Tigger?"

[Cocker]

I'D LOVE TO BE EIGHT AGAIN

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.

"I'd love to be eight again" she replied.

On the morning of her birthday he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops and then took her off to the local theme park.

What a Day!

He put her on every ride in the park:

* The Death Slide

* The Wall of Fear

* The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park.

Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away they journeyed to a McDonalds where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate milk shake.

Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, her favourite lolly and M&Ms

What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed onto the bed exhausted.

He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked "Well dear, what was it like being eight again?"

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size, you gimp"

The moral of this story: Even when a man is listening, he's still gonna get it wrong.

[dave birch]

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks

in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very

moment".

He, thinking it's his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table

and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says, "The egg timer's broken."

[Cocker]

Good ol little Johnny Joke:-

The teacher asked the class to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my grandad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City

and I was "fascinated." The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but

I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Johnny said

"My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

[Presty On Tour]

a scientist has invented a bra that,stops tits wobbling up and down,and nipples poking out when its cold.

his colleagues have kicked his head in.

[Cocker]

A Blonde that is not so dumb!

A lawyer (male) and a blonde (Female) are sitting next to each other on a flight from

L.A. to New York. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely

declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists. He explains how the game works. "I ask you a

question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa."

Again, the blonde politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily

win the match, so he makes another offer. "If you don't know the answer,

you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will

pay you $500."

The blonde figures there will be no end to this torment unless she

plays, so she agrees. The lawyer asks, "What's the distance from the

Earth to the moon?"

The blonde reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and

hands it to the lawyer then she asks the lawyer "What goes up a hill

with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer is puzzled. He uses his laptop to search for references. He

Taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Net and the

Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends emails to his coworkers and

Friends. No luck. After an hour, he gives up.

He wakes the blonde and hands her $500

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is going nuts trying to figure it out, wakes the

blonde and asks,

"Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back

to sleep.

[Paul]

Grow-your-own Viagra craze hits Britain's garden centres

A chance discovery by a Berkshire allotment-holder that a plant widely available in garden centres has the same effect on men as Viagra has been confirmed by experts at one of the world's leading botanical institutions.

The plant is winter-flowering heather, and botanists at the Royal Botanic Gardens, Edinburgh, many of them heather experts who have recognised the source of its active ingredient, now expect it to be the next must-have plant in British gardens. Demand is already high. Nurseries and garden centres in some areas are having trouble finding sufficient supplies as word spreads of the plant's unexpected properties.

A spokesman for Wyevale Garden Centres, which has 106 UK branches, said: "At first, it was just a trickle of inquiries, but now stores are virtually being besieged each weekend. We have had men buying dozens of the plants and, at one store in Croydon, there were men old enough to know better fighting over the last remaining trays."

The latest gardening craze was triggered by a discovery by a 55-year-old furniture restorer, Michael Ford, on his allotment. He was always experimenting with drinks made from different plants and one day he tried an infusion from his winter-flowering heather. He said: "The effect was almost immediate. I had to stay in my potting shed for an hour or so before I could decently walk down the street."

He then contacted the Royal Botanic Gardens, Edinburgh, famous for their work with the heather family, to see if they could offer an explanation. They could. Botanist Alan Bennell said: "This first surfaced when East European chemists reported finding a Viagra-type chemical in the floral tissues of winter-flowering heaths. They were able to isolate measurable amounts of material that is an analogue of the active principle in Viagra."

Winter-flowering heather, he explained, belongs to the genus Erica, a close relative of our own native heather. He said: "As yet, the active ingredient has not been found in these British forms, but it is proving to be most concentrated in many of the widely available hybrids sold as winter-flowering heather in garden centres. Particularly potent are forms of Erica carnea, the Alpine heather, whose range extends into the Balkans.

"The work of these biochemists and physiologists - much of it disrupted and lost during the ravages of war - is now coming to light."

From the limited amount of information available, it is suggested the Viagra-analogue is best extracted by steeping the detached small flowers in neat alcohol. An infusion of about 20g of flowers in 100ml of fluid liberates the active principle. A quality full-strength vodka (at least 40 per cent) is also effective. Mr Bennell added: "There is some confusion whether oral consumption or topical application is more effective."

But not everyone is happy about this new discovery. One woman shopping at a Wyvales in Dorking yesterday said: "It's amazing. My husband has never shown any interest in gardening before, but now he's out there night and day fussing over his heathers. Frankly, I preferred it when he left the garden to me and wasn't so frisky."

Published in The Independent on 1st April 2007.

[Cocker]

Click

[Al]

15 Sailors stray into Iranian waters and get arrested. 14 men and 1 woman.

Doesn't take a genius to work out who was reading the map does it?

[1864roverite]

Its Friday....

The Cork.

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.

If you do not mind me saying," stated the second, "that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?"

I regret I cannot", lamented the first Arab. "It is permanently stuck in my arse."

"I do not understand," said the other.

The first Arab says, "I was walking along Russell Street And I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akurbra hat came boiling out. He said, "I am Captain Ozzie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish."

I said, "No ######?"

God Bless Australia

[Cocker]

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting Loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake the wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.

He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural.

She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out!

Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards, neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers,

she pulled back the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into them.

A short while later she heard him waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!

After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later the husband came downstairs in his bloodstained shorts with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.

He said, "clumsy, hit shift + 8 again!! sake, you were right. All these years you have warned me And I didn't listen to you."

"What do you mean?" she asked

"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened.

"But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and two fingers, I think I got most of them back in".

[Jim J]

Think I've posted this before, but as the forcast is good for the weekend, thought I'd remind the blokes....

Ah, Tit Monday. It's not that far off now, that glorious day when,

heading into work on the bus, or walking to the Tube, or sitting on the

train, you find yourself suddenly chirpier than you have been in months.

You find yourself smiling at strangers again. There is a mild

involuntary tumescence in your trousers that comes and goes throughout

the morning with the comforting regularity of a heartbeat. And then you

get a text around lunchtime from a mate which says: "At last, Tit

Monday!" And you instantly understand why you are so happy. For Tit

Monday is that special day in the year when, for the first time, the

temperature rises above that magical point which causes girls getting

dressed in the morning to decide to show a bit of skin. After months of

dull colours and chunky knit, the world's birds suddenly dive into last

summer's wardrobe (they've not had chance to buy this season's stuff)

and chuck it on without a thought. Your urban landscape is suddenly

lightened with acres of naked arm and leg and, after many dark months of

burrowing, breasts rising to the surface like moles at dusk. Big breasts

in white work shirts straining at the buttons. Small breasts braless in

vest tops, the nipples frotted by ribby fabrics. Breasts in summer

dresses bouncing in the distance so that they catch your eye before you

even notice there is someone wearing them. Breasts nudging out from the

crowd at traffic islands, quivering to cross the road... And you know it

is nearly summer. For previous generations, the arrival of spring was

heralded by the sound of the first cuckoo. For us, it is Tit Monday.

Not that it always falls on a Monday. Like Easter, Tit Monday is a

moveable feast. Last year it fell on a Friday. Friday 29 April, to be

precise, when temperatures maxed out at 22.1C after nothing much above

16C all year. It last fell on a Monday in 2004, when temperatures leapt

to 22C on 24 April.

And then, of course, there is Tit Monday Night. You see, in early

summer, temperatures drop off very dramatically when night falls (Tit

Friday 2005 dropped away to a parky 11.8C). But the dollies are not

prepared. Slightly stunned by the morning heat, they drag out the summer

clothes but forget to bring a cardie (a mistake they will not make again

until next year), so that when they're all standing outside All Bar One

after work celebrating the arrival of spring, their barely covered

nipples have no protection from the cold. It's like a Bring-and-Buy sale

where everyone has brought hat pegs. It's like a prog-rock gig where,

instead of lighters, everyone is holding up nipples.

So when will Tit Monday fall this year? Will you be the first to text

your mates with the announcement? Do not shoot your bolt too early.

There will be false starts. You will smell fresh cut grass and see a

couple of early starters and feel compelled to declare Tit Monday. But

your more level-headed friends will tell you to hold your horses, keep

your powder dry, don't fire until you see the whites of their bra straps

As the poet said: one bold Northern slapper in a bikini doth not a

summer make.

[ihateburnley]

These have got to be read.

[Presty On Tour]

These have got to be read.

quality

[cletus]

Seen this before somewhere, probably on here but i cannot be arsed to trawl the back catalogue of amusement....

Subject: How hard is English

This is for those who think German is hard.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Let's face it - English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

PS. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"

You lovers of the English language might enjoy this

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is "UP."

It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP?

Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen.

We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning.

People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing:

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP.

We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.

We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP.

When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP

When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP.

When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I'll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP , so........... it is time to shut UP.....!

[colin]

Murphy goes for a job at the blacksmith's.

Blacksmith says, "So tell me Murphy, have you ever shoed a horse before?"

Murphy ponders for a moment, then says, "Ah, to be sure, I never have, but I did once tell a pig to feck off"

[colin]

The teacher sees a child wandering round the playground with a penguin.

He tells the pupil "Take that penguin to the zoo."

The next day he sees the same pupil and says "I thought I told you to take that penguin to the zoo."

The child replies, "I did. And today I'm taking it to the cinema."

[colin]

An Essex girl goes into an Ann Summers shop and asks the assistant if she can have a look at an assortment of toys.

Despite a wide range of colours, shapes and sizes, none of them appeal.

She looks up and says to the assistant, "Can i have a look at that tartan one up there on the shelf?"

"No", replies the assistant, "that's my thermos flask."