[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Cocker]

Swallow a joke book today Colin?

[Flopsy]

Joke of the day bog roll methinks

[Presty On Tour]

A Essex girl and Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the wellies that the irish guy is wearing.

She says to him "scuse me mate, i ain't bein fanny or naffink but why doz one of your wellies ave an L on it, and the uva one's got an R on it?"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his pint of guiness and replies "well, oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot."

"Cor blimey!" exclaims the Essex girl, "So thats why me thongs ave got C&A on them."

what do you call 100 nuns in a shop?

virgin megastore!!!!

[adopted scouser]

Alan Ball died yesterday after trying to rescue the fire that started at his compost heap outside his home.

A Man City spokesman issued a statement: "Not that surprising really, given that he couldn't manage this pile of @#/? either."

[cletus]

David Beckham has agreed to speak at Alan Ball`s funeral. Several players were in contention for the honour, but it was agreed that Beckham was best at dead ball situations.

(i`ll get me coat)

[Cocker]

1. A nursery school pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead.

"How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I peed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently.

"You did WHAT?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst' and it didn't move"

2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring a drink of water?"

"No, You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to smack you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to smack me, can you bring a drink of water?"

3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'"

4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mummy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the minister leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the minister's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mum says it's a bitch to iron."

6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.

She said, "Mummy, you are getting fat!"

I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mummy has a baby growing in her tummy."

"I know," she replied, but what's growing in your bum?"

7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine...."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mum."

"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked "Yes," he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said:

'Holy poo (it took the rude word out) ! A talking chicken!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?"

Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

11. A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.

She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your muffin." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too."

[charcerzyk]

[Rovermatt]

Hilarious youtube video here. Yes that is Justin Timberlake...

[Cocker]

Hilarious youtube video here. Yes that is Justin Timberlake...

As soon as I saw Justin Timberlakes name mentioned I didnt think it would be that good but must admit it did make me chuckle As an added surprise, I now know what to get the Mrs for her birthday

[American]

Didn't even need to look at the clip to know which one you are talking about. Funny video.

[LeftWinger]

Following the robbery at Liverpool keeper Pepe Reina's home on Tuesday evening, police are keen to interview Frank Lampard as to his whereabouts betweeen 7.30 and 10.30 on the night in question.

[charcerzyk]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdzBRH4nOwM...ted&search=

[adopted scouser]

A jellybaby went to the doctors with his c8ck covered in coconut and liquorice.

The doctor said "what have you been up to ?"

The jellybaby replies "f**kin' allsorts" !

[dave birch]

I would have loved to have been in that queue

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

[adopted scouser]

I would have loved to have been in that queue

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

eh ?

[charcerzyk]

Tomislav

Crouch

hide-and-seek

dumbass

Stupid mistakes

[Billy Castell]

I would have loved to have been in that queue

For all Employees Who Work With Rude Customers.

An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some weeks ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".

The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "F... You!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, but you'll have to fly QANTAS for that service."

Quality. Give that girl a biscuit.

[Cheshireblue]

I've flown with Qantas, and sadly it's not true....

Jose Mourinho goes to the doctors to ask for Viagra.

The Doc says "Why do you need Viagra?"

Jose replies "I can't seem to get past a semi"

[adopted scouser]

Was out on the pull and met this really sexy MILF, late 40's and really fit

After a few drinks she asks if I've ever had the ultimate threesome, mother and daughter

Well tonights your lucky night, she says with a wink

So we get back to hers and she shouts up the stairs 'mum, you still awake?'

[SouthAussieRover]

I've flown with Qantas, and sadly it's not true....

You're not Ralph Fiennes though!

[charcerzyk]

Jersey Ouiz

http://www.fanbanta.com/quiz.aspx

[cletus]

I got offered a job today, with the 'Brittle Bones Society'. £500 a week!

I snapped their bloody hands off!

[Scotty]

What's the difference between Rape and Football ?

Women don't like football.

First time I've read this thread for ages and was amazed by the above so called "joke".

You really are lower than a snakes belly AS. Just scum.

[neekoy]

First time I've read this thread for ages and was amazed by the above so called "joke".

You really are lower than a snakes belly AS. Just scum.

Scott, I didn't even see that 'joke' from him but couldn't that comment have been left for a PM?

[adopted scouser]

First time I've read this thread for ages and was amazed by the above so called "joke".

You really are lower than a snakes belly AS. Just scum.

'What ever' tubby.