[Archived] Friday Funnies

[cletus]

'What ever' tubby.

"15 all"

Two men were walking towards each other in the local park. Both of them were limping quite badly with their right legs. As they met, they acknowledged each other with a polite "hello".

One of the men gestured towards his leg & said "Falklands War 1982". The 2nd man gestured towards his & said "Dog sh1t just around the corner."

Q...What`s black & sits at the top of the stairs?

.

.

A...Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

(I`ll get me coat)

[Jim J]

Scientists have discovered that most women will, at sometime, contain intelligent DNA.

Unfortunately, 95% of them spit it out!!

[fee]

An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over.

I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Not for nothing, but don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next day, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love Vinnie

[Presty On Tour]

2 eggs are getting all steamy and hot in a pan of boiling hot water.

1 of the eggs says 2 the other one, "I've got a crack"

The other egg replies "I know it's well nice but I'm not hard yet" haha

What do you call an Afghanistan virgin?

Never been laid on!

Why did the burger king get the dairy queen pregnant?

Because he forgot to wrap his whopper!!!!#

What do aeroplanes and women have in common?

They both have a cockpit!!!!!

[ewoodblue]

come on chelsea.

[Paul]

Let us protect your member with the cheapest life cover, gauranteed

Title of an e-mail I received today from onlyfinance.com

[colin]

Let us protect your member with the cheapest life cover, gauranteed

Title of an e-mail I received today from onlyfinance.com

Perhaps if your better half would tell us if she has signed up.............

[Presty On Tour]

cricket joke

a man goes to the doctor and says he has a cricket ball stuck up his ass.

the doctors asks "hows that?" to the reply "don't you start!!!!"

[Cocker]

I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was in great shape

for 48; we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had

the Sportsman's Double - a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no with a huge smile in anticipation.We drank a bit more, then

she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her house.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...

'Mum....you awake?'

[adopted scouser]

I pulled an older woman at a club last night. She was in great shape

for 48; we drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & she asked if I'd ever had

the Sportsman's Double - a mother and daughter threesome?

I said no with a huge smile in anticipation.We drank a bit more, then

she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her house.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs...

'Mum....you awake?'

Was out on the pull and met this really sexy MILF, late 40's and really fit

After a few drinks she asks if I've ever had the ultimate threesome, mother and daughter

Well tonights your lucky night, she says with a wink

So we get back to hers and she shouts up the stairs 'mum, you still awake?'

:blink:

[Cocker]

:blink:

And people call you the scouser :ph34r:

[adopted scouser]

And people call you the scouser :ph34r:

eh ?

[Cocker]

eh ?

Twas meant to be a sly dig at pinching things :ph34r:

Never mind I will get my coat

[Grabbi Graeme]

On a train from London to Manchester an American was berating the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment. “You English are too stiff. You set yourself apart too much. You think your stiff upper lips make you above the rest of us. Look at me… I’m me. I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?”

The Englishman replied, “Very sporting of your mother.”

Q: What’s the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

A: Some traffic signs say stop.

A mother cleaning her son's room finds an S&M magazine under the bed.

Upset, she immediately shows the magazine to her husband.

"Well?" his wife asks. "What do you think we should do?"

"I'm not sure," the father replies. "But we certainly shouldn't spank him."

Psychiatric hotline - RING RING RING -

“Welcome to Psychiatric hotline… If you are obsessive compulsive please press 1 repeatedly… If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multi-personalities, please press 3,4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are and what you want – just stay on the line so that we can trace the call…

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press…. If you are manic depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, no one will answer.”

[Jim J]

Handy Hints:

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

[adopted scouser]

Handy Hints:

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king thing in the first place.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.

High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while,thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Heavy smokers. Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway,so it may as well look like one.

A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

HOUSEWIVES. I find the best way to get two bottles of washing-up liquid for the price of one is by putting one in your shopping trolley and the other in your coat pocket.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Absolutely brilliant, reminds me of when 'Viz' first appeared. Remember those 'things' cartoons ? See if I can find one ........

[adopted scouser]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool he noticed that the barman was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment then replied? "A martini please."

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had.

The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?" The man answered "Oh, about 164."

The robot then proceeded to discuss the 'theory of relativity', inter-stellar space travel', the latest medical breakthroughs, etc...

The man was most impressed. He left the bar but thought he would try a different tact. He returned and took a seat. Again the robot clicked and asked what he would have? "A martini please."

Again it was superb.? The robot again asked "What is your IQ sir?"

This time the man answered , "Oh about 100". So the robot started discussing Top Gear, the latest football scores, and what to expect of the next labour leader.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool.... Again a martini, and the question, "What is your IQ?" This time the man drawled out " Uh..... bout 50".

The robot clicked then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e...

y-o-u-r...

p-e-o-p-l-e...

h-a-p-p-y...

w-i-t-h...

S-t-e-v-e.....

C-o-t-t-e-r-i-l-l-...

[fee]

Many aspects of human sexuality are very puzzling. Take celibacy.

This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental

factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Cheryl listened

to the instructor declare:

"It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are

important to each other."

He addressed the men. "Can you each name and describe your wife's

favourite flower?"

Robert leaned over, touched Cheryl's arm gently and whispered, "Self

raising, isn't it?"

Thus began Robert's life of celibacy.....

[Blueboy Downunder]

saw the following on the bbc website, at the bottom of the transfer gossip section....

"Watford have secured a new sponsorship deal. They will bear the brand name Beko on their shirts instead of the names of their Turkish parent companies - Arcelik and Koc Holding. (Mirror)"

[adopted scouser]

I crashed my car this morning.

Went into the back of another car at the lights.

The door flew open and I was shocked to see a dwarf get out.

" I'm not happy " he says.

" Well which one are you then? "

[Cocker]

Click

[eddiewac]

Anyone ever read The History of Glue??? I got it this weekend, been reading it non-stop, its class, i just can't put it down!

[Cocker]

[Grabbi Graeme]

A very inebriated man walks into a nightclub and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walks over to her, places his hand up her skirt and begins fondling her. Instantly, she jumps up and slaps him silly.

"I'm sorry," the drunk stammers. "I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable asshole," screams the woman.

"That's funny," he mutters back. "You sound like her, too."

Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

A: Her ankles

[Flopsy]

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25

1. You leave clubs before the end to 'beat the rush’. Worse still you don't

go to the clubs

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going

clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / basketball

player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property

section.

5. All of a sudden, middle-aged people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them

because they'll be all right for the DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the

newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of

most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy

Cost between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and

Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your

children.

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice

half-bottle of house red.

15. You always have enough milk in.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing,

you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief

that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team

with Tony Robinson - you get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself saying 'They don't make 'em like that

anymore and 'I remember when there were only 4 TV channels' and 'Not in my

day....'

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has

some really interesting guests on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you

tut at rowdy school children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.

26. You find yourself saying 'is it cold in here or is it just me?