[Archived] Friday Funnies

[neekoy]

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25

1. You leave clubs before the end to 'beat the rush’. Worse still you don't

go to the clubs

2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going

clubbing the night before.

3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer / basketball

player and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.

4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property

section.

5. All of a sudden, middle-aged people are not 46, they are only 46.

6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.

7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them

because they'll be all right for the DIY or in the garden.

8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.

9. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the

newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of

most of the things that are in it.

10. You start to worry about your parents' health.

11. You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy

Cost between 200 and 500 quid.

12. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and

Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your

children.

13. Pop music all starts to sound the same.

14. You opt for Pizza Express over Pizza Hut because they do a really nice

half-bottle of house red.

15. You always have enough milk in.

16. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing,

you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief

that you have not turned into your parents.

17. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team

with Tony Robinson - you get drawn in. Grand Designs also appeals.

18. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.

19. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from B&Q.

20. You wish you had a shed.

21. You have a shed.

22. You actually find yourself saying 'They don't make 'em like that

anymore and 'I remember when there were only 4 TV channels' and 'Not in my

day....'

23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jeremy Vine has

some really interesting guests on.

24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you

tut at rowdy school children.

25. When sitting outside a pub you admire their hanging baskets.

26. You find yourself saying 'is it cold in here or is it just me?

I add this as well

26. You can taste the difference between a Shiraz and Merlot and 'dirty reds' are no longer about girls on Saturday nights but a nice bottle of Sav you picked up instead.

[Cocker]

28. When Carling C2 came out you said "Hmm I like the look of that, I hope they do it the next time I go out" Yes I really did say that and as soon as it left my lips I realised I have started to turn into a big girl :ph34r:

[Al]

29/You notice there is no 27. but there are 2 26's

I tick all the boxes except 28.

[neekoy]

29/You notice there is no 27. but there are 2 26's

I tick all the boxes except 28.

I had to edit mine because I initially said "I add these two" but only had one

[Flopsy]

30) You make a noise when you stand up

31) Beanbags are now man traps

32) Tea is now more important to you than Beer

[Al]

Thanks Flopsy. I no longer tick all the boxes!

[Flopsy]

tried getting out of a beanbag recently?

[Blueboy Downunder]

just a joke

"woman goes into B&Q for a wall mirror, assistant says "do you need a screw for that"....no, she replies, "but i'll suck your cock for a lawnmower"

[dave birch]

The BBC have on their site a story about the vilification of redheads. They start their column with a "joke".

What's the difference between a terrorist and a redhead?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

I'll leave before theno gets me..........

[cletus]

Q...what`s the difference between a ginger & a brick?

A...Bricks get laid

[Cocker]

The pharmacist walks into the store to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall.

He asks the blonde clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The blonde clerk responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a laxative!"

The blonde clerk responds, "Of course you can! Look at him, he daren't cough."

[adopted scouser]

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl when its going to the bathroom?

Because the "p" is silent

Didnt even take the coat off...

[1864roverite]

Young lad asks his grandma if she has seen his pills that were marked LSD.

Granny replies "*** the pills lad what about the dragons in the ****ing kitchen?".

[adopted scouser]

A boy was upstairs playing on his computer when his grandad came in the room and sat down on the bed.

"What are you doing?", Asked the grandad. "You're 18 years old and wasting your life! When I was 18 I went to Paris, I went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, p1ssed on the barman and left without paying! Now that is how to have a good time!"

A week later, the grandfather comes to visit again. He finds the boy still in his room, but with a broken arm in plaster, 2 black eyes and missing all his front teeth.

"What happened?", he asked.

"Oh Grandfather!", replied the boy. "I did what you did! I went to Paris, went to the Moulan Rouge, drank all night, had my way with the dancers, p1ssed all over the barman, and they beat the crap out of me!"

"Oh dear!", replied the grandad. "Who did you go with?"

"Just some friends, why? Who did you go with?"

"Oh!" replied the grandad. "The SS."

[Eddie]

[fee]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a gorgeous bird wave at him and say hello. He´s rather taken aback because he can´t place where he knows her from. So he says "Do you know me?"

To which she replies "I think your the father of one of my kids"

Stunned, his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he says "My God are you the stripper from my stag party that I banged over the pool table wth all my mates watching, while your partner whipped my arse with wet celery ????"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, " Nooo, I'm your son´s maths teacher"

[Cheshireblue]

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The Mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his Mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it."

"Your wasting your time," said the boy.

"Why is that?" the Mom asked puzzled.

"Well, when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

[Cocker]

A Zoo in Liverpool was having problems with a female Gorilla.

And after being inspected by the Zoo vet, he stated that the problem was the ape needed sex or it was going to die.

Being in Liverpool the Zoo could not afford to buy a male so they asked for the zookeepers to come up with alternative solutions.

"What about that getting that Steve Cotterill from Burnley to have sex with the Gorilla? He doesn’t seem fussy, but we may have to give him an incentive", so they put the proposition to him.

Steve Cotterill say’s “Let me get this straight. You want me to have sex with the ape?” The Head Zookeeper nod’s his head and replies “Yes that is correct”, Steve Cotterill say’s, “OK how much are we talking here"?

The Head Zookeeper replies "we were thinking maybe £200."

"Let me think about it for 10mins" says Steve Cotterill. After 10 mins he says, "well I agree, but with 4 stipulations,"

“1 No kissing or tongues

2 No publicity, total privacy.

3 Any offspring to be raised in the Methodist faith.

4 That I get 2 months to raise the £200.”

[Presty On Tour]

haha

[fee]

Two 90 year old men, Mike and Joe, have been friends all of their lives.

When it's clear that Joe is dying Mike visits him every day. On one of the visits Mike says;

"Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played Sunday football together for many years. Please do me a favour. When you get to Heaven, you must let me know if there's football up there."

Joe looks up from his death bed and says, "Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible I'll do this for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him,"

"Mike--Mike." The voice cried.

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly.

The voice said--"It's me, Joe."

"You can't be Joe, he just died."

"I'm telling you the truth, it's me Joe," insists the voice."

Mike said, "Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Mike.

"The good news," Joe said," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want and never get tired."

"Bloodyhell," said Mike. "That''s beyond my wildest dreams! But what's the bad news?

..."You're playing on Tuesday."

[Presty On Tour]

THE REDHEAD

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>A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead

>sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat

>down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

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>Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket

>toward the man.

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>He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

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>"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in

>place.

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>"I'm sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner

>To make it up to you," she says.

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>They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the

>theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her

>deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.

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>After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to

>Her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

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>They have a wonderful, wonderful time.

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>The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings.

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>The guy is amazed and totally impressed. Everything had been SO

>incredible!

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>"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to

>every guy you meet? "

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>"No," she replies. . . . . .

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>"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Presty On Tour]

quality

Life in a Mental Hospital...

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving

a Truck, with his hands at 10 and 2.

The nurse asks him, "Charlie! What are you doing?"

Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!"

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving

his imaginary truck and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"

Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some

rest."

"That's great" replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe trip."

The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall into

another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed masturbating

vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, "Ed what are you doing!?"

To which Ed replies, "Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while he's in

Melbourne".

[Jordan]

@#/?s! Just been thrown out and barred from the local swimming baths because I had my Speedo trunks on.

What I didn't know was that the 'S' had come off the logo.

[fee]

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden.......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell?

Ees bacon I ahm sure of eet."

"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee".

So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture . there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved! Eet EES a bacon tree!"

"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage?; We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ...Luis races toward the tree.

He gets to within 5 meters, with Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden a machine gun opens up and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man,you was right...ees not a bacon tree."

"Luis Luis, mi amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree...

Ees..........

Ees...

Ees.........

Ees.......

Ees..........

Ees...

Ees.........

Ees.......

Eees a Ham bush!

[Cocker]

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear

bright until you hear them speak.

2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting

something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end,

someone from Burnley would be stupid enough to try to pass them.

10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

11. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by

those who got there first.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish

and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture.

15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12

people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.