[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Jim J]

A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the

rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled

hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and

although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he

says "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I

thought you might be the father of one of my children !

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful,

Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I

shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped

me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ar*e?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your sons' English Teacher"

[mode_m]

so a pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his waist area and says to the bartender...."AARRRRR It's driven' me nuts!"

[Cocker]

Dear Technical Support

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2, which I had used for many years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5 and SportOnTv 6.9.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried the Shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system,forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new version, Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with bonuses such as FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2004.

Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Mobile Phone, Explorer and e-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products have no help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShopBrowser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.

Another problem is when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to MyCar hard drive, it often crashes. Wife 1.0 comes with an irritating pop up called MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off.

Recently I attempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems.

A friend of mine alerted me to the fact that when Wife 1.0 eventually detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all your Money files before uninstalling itself.

[Cocker]

A guy comes home late one night drunk after throwing up on himself. His wife sees and makes him sleep on the couch that night. The next night before coming home, he asks the guy sitting next to him at the bar a question. He asks, "How do you keep your wife from getting angry when she sees that you've thrown up on yourself after getting drunk?"

The other man replies, "It's simple, I tell my wife that some other guy at the bar threw up on me and gave me 20 dollars to pay for a new shirt. Then I let her reach into my pocket and pull out a 20 dollar bill. She's happy to see the money and not the least bit angry." The first man says, "Wow I never would've thought of that! I'm going to try that tonight!"

So the man comes home later that night drunk and having thrown up on himself again. His wife is angry but he then explains that another man threw up on him and gave him 20 dollars to replace his shirt. His wife was relieved and asked to see the money. She went to his pocket and pulled it out. She says, "Honey, there's 40 dollars in here, not 20."

The man says, "Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you, he shat in my pants too."

[fee]

A commercial traveller was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander.

"My car has conked out," said the traveller, "Where can I spend the night?"

"Why, right here of course!" said the Scot, "Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality."

The traveller duly entered the humble but cosy residence. "Jeannie," shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared.

"Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality." The traveller was soon tucking into an appetising meal, the girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.

"And now," said the Highlander, "I'm afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world famous Highland hospitality."

No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveller set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had had her on floor and was on the job.

Suddenly the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

"After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality!!" he roared,

"Arch your back woman, and take the poor man's balls off the cold floor!!!"

[Cocker]

40,000 Man U fans meet At Old Trafford for a "Man U Fans and Players Are

>Not Stupid" convention.

>

>Sir Alex says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Man U

>fans and players are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"

>

>Wayne Rooney gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the

>stage.

>

>Fergie asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds Rooney says,

>"Eighteen!"

>Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 40,000 Man U fans start

>cheering, "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

>

>Fergie says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 40,000 of

>you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast

>media here, I think we can give him another chance."

>

>So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

>

>After nearly 30 seconds Rooney eventually says, "Ninety?"

>

>Fergie is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -

>everyone is disheartened

>

>Rooney starts crying and the 40,000 Man U fans begin to yell and wave

>their hands shouting,

>

>"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

>

>Fergie, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually

>says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance --

>

>What is 2 plus 2?" Rooney closes his eyes, and after a whole minute

>eventually says, "Four?"

>

>Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 40,000 Man U fans

>jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>

>"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[PABBY]

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in a small town in West Texas. He sits at the counter and notices an older cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a bowl of chilli. After about 15 minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks, "If you ain't goin' to eat that, mind if I do?"

The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best cowboy manner states "Nah, go ahead."

Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to The bottom and notices a rotten dead rat in the chilli. The sight was Shocking and he immediately pukes up the chilli into the bowl.

The old cowboy quietly says, "Yep, that's as far as I got, too!"

[philipl]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. Last year, when one flea gets to Miami he is shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, "Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea says, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

The other flea says, "That's the worst way to travel. Do what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While there, look for a nice stewardess, crawl up her leg and nestle in where it's warm and cozy. It's the best way in the world to travel that I can think of."

The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.

A year goes by ... When the first flea shows up in Miami he shivering and shaking again.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea. "I did exactly what you said. I went to the New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of a guy on a Harley."

[sumps]

Not sure if this has been done before but here goes....

In the 1400's a law was set forth that a man was not allowed to beat his

wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb. Hence we have "the rule of

thumb"

Many years ago in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled

Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"...and thus the word GOLF entered

into the English language.

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.

Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.

Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)

The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising a medium-size dog to the age of eleven: $6,400

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from

history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs - Alexander the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

If a statue in the park of a per son on a horse has both front legs in

the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in

the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the

horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural

causes.

Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John

Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but

the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name

requested?

A Obsession

Q If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until

you would find the letter "A"?

A One thousand

Q What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser

printers all have in common?

A All invented by women.

Q What is the only food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

Q Which day are there more collect calls than any other day of the year?

A Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.

When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed

firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase......... "goodnight, sleep tight."

It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month

after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with

all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because their

calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month . which

we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old

England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them

Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down."

It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's"

Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the

rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they

used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle" is the phrase

inspired by this practice.

And that's that!

[adopted scouser]

One

How many psychics does it take to change a light bulb ?

[Glenn]

Not sure if this has been done before but here goes....

342886[/snapback]

Another good excuse to mention my favourite urban myth debunking site - www.snopes.com (very very worth a look whenever the bloke down the pub tell you some unbelivable trivia).

Golf

First couple in bed on TV

Green Coke

..... etc.

[The_Eagle]

Why does snoop dogg need an umbrella?

For Drizzle

[Shaddy]

Q If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until

you would find the letter "A"?

A One thousand

342886[/snapback]

That's got to wrong, no? Surely it is:

one hundred and one?

And I'm not being facetious. If I am wrong, tell me why.

[Tango]

That was my first thought too Shaddy.

[sumps]

That's got to wrong, no? Surely it is:

one hundred and one?

And I'm not being facetious. If I am wrong, tell me why.

343218[/snapback]

I got sent the list but since when has 'and' been a number?

[The_Eagle]

I got sent the list but since when has 'and' been a number? 

343367[/snapback]

Spell out 101 then without using the word "and".

[sumps]

One hundred 'n' one

[Parasyte]

One Oh One

[Eddie]

If you spell it as you say it you are right, but if you spell it actually number by number then he is right.

[Wez_of_rovers]

add the missing letters for * in this joke

Teacher says to the class "what does your dad do at weekends?"

Little jack "he's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his a**e and c*m in his mouth

Teacher pulling little jack aside "is this true?

Little jack "No Miss, truth is he goes to watch Man U, but im too embarrased to say"

316809[/snapback]

heard that but the dingle side of it

[Shaddy]

If you spell it as you say it you are right, but if you spell it actually number by number then he is right.

343895[/snapback]

But that's my point mate. If you spell it out number by number, then one thousand would be one zero zero zero, and negate the question. I'm definitely right

[SuperStella]

Is it true the Printworks is closed in Manchester? As Old ORLEANS has flooded?

[Cocker]

>"A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is

> >thedifference between potentially and realistically?"

> >The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if

> >she would sleep with

> >Brad Pitt for a million dollars."

> >

> >"Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million

> >dollars, and then,

> >ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars.

> >Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

> >

> >So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

>Pitt

> >for a million dollars?"

> >The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money

> >to fix up the house

> >and send you kids to a great University!"

> >

> >The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

> >Pitt for a million dollars?"

> >The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him

>in

> >a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! "

> >

> >The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad

> >Pittfor a million dollars?"

> >"Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks

> >would buy?"

> >

> >The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.

> >His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between

> >potentially and realistically?"

> >

> >The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three

> >MillionDollars.............

> >.but realistically .we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.

[philipl]

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which

human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, and he will fire you!"

With a sneer on her face, she then sat back down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part

increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open; then she said to those around her, "Boy, is

she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class,"Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."

Then she turned to Mary and continued,

"As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind,

Two, you didn't read your homework, and

three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."

[adopted scouser]

Tonight's episode of the Simpsons;

Wiggum: Long before the SuperDome,

Where the Saints of football play,

Lived a city that the damned called home,

Hear their hellish roundelay...

Cast: New Orleeeans...

Home of pirates, drunks, and whores!

New Orleeeans...

Tacky, overpriced, souvenir stores!

If you want to go to Hell, you should make that trip

to the Sodom and Gomorrah on the Mississipp'!

New Orleeeans...

Stinking, rotten, vomiting, vile!

New Orleaaans...

Putrid, brackish, maggoty, foul!

New Orleeeans...

Crummy, lousy, rancid, and rank!

New Orleeeans!

Whoops