[Archived] Friday Funnies

[RoversFanUSA]

AS your little flic of ferg is funnier than all the jokes you wrote down. and the thing that i think is scarier then the card board cut out is the kitten that has "rectum problums" right under it.

[herbergeehh]

[Paul]

Spotted in a newsagent's window yesterday:

For Sale due to Bereavement...........................

2 hamster cages

[philipl]

In a similar genre, the vterinary supplies company just down the street from our office is called

Animal Pharm

[colin]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man

standing alone.

She approached him. "My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like

most - cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beertits," he said.

[BlueMonday]

Absolutely love one liners - enjoy .....

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today "The History Of Glue" I couldn't put it down.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said "No, just a watch."

Late reply, but that about sums up my sense of humour, I drive my family mad with gags like those.

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke said "Kenwood ?" I said, "Where is he then?"

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything."

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays."

* Man walks into a pet shop and asks to buy 2 wasps. Shop keeper says, 'erm...we don't sell any. Man says, 'Yes you do there's 2 in the window!'

*Just finished reading, 'The History of Ship Building', absolutely riveting.

*Went for a curry last night and ordered a Chicken Tarka. My mate said WTF is that. 'Well' I said, 'Its like Chicken Tikka, but a little otter.

OK I'll stop

[colin]

THE FOLLOWING QUESTION AND ANSWERS WERE COLLECTED FOR LAST YEARS GCSE

EXAM RESULTS IN BURNLEY . THESE ARE GENUINE RESPONSES (16 YEAR OLDS) (honest!)

GEOGRAPHY

Q: Name the four seasons?

A: Salt, Pepper, Mustard And Vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?

A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?

A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: What is a planet?

A: A Body of earth surrounded by sky.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?

A: The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. all water tends

to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature

abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

SOCIOLOGY

Q: What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?

A: If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.

Q: In a democratic society, how important are elections?

A: Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.

Q: What are steroids?

A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

BIOLOGY

Q: What happens to your body as you age?

A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?

A: He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?

A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?

A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?

A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorised? (eg abdomen)

A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the

abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels a,e,i,o,u

Q: What is the fibula?

A: A small lie.

Q: What does varicose mean?

A: Nearby.

Q: What is the most common form of birth control?

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a

condominium.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'caesarean section'?

A: The caesarean section is a district in Rome.

Q: What is a seizure?

A: A roman emperor.

Q: What is a terminal illness?

A: When you are sick at the airport.

Q: Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic

feature?

A: Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they

look like umbrellas.

ENGLISH

Q: Use the word judicious in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.

A: Hands that judicious can feel soft as your face.

Q: What does the word benign mean?

A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

TECHNOLOGY

Q: What is a turbine?

A: Something an arab or sikh wears on his head

[Paul]

A: Most people prevent contraception by wearing a

condominium.

Presumably because they are all well endowed?

[Cocker]

[JC4LAB]

Prince Charles:"I'm sorry to announce Diana has just been murdered by Papperazzi "

Prince Phillip"Why would a Opera Singer want to kill our Di?"

[Cocker]

These may have been up before

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racing car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. 'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

15. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

16. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

17. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

18. No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

19. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

20. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the 'Jags' and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the 'Bucs,' what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

21. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys it?

[Presty On Tour]

a mate of mine who is bold recieved a comb as a birthday present

he said "i'll never part with it!"

[pleasure]

does anyone want a ticket to pavarotti's funeral ?

..........................................

only a tenor!! :ph34r:

(it amazes me how quick the gags surface! )

[Jordan]

duplicate

[Jim J]

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's Tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes

off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I still kill you tomorrow. "What is your last request?"

The Lone Ranger responds," I'd like to speak to my horse....ALONE." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

"Listen very carefully, you @#/?, for the last time.......... . BRING POSSE!!!!"

[adopted scouser]

Chelsea have just released their own after shave.

It's called 'The Special One'

By 'You go Boss'

I'll get me coat ...

[Presty On Tour]

Chelsea have just released their own after shave.

It's called 'The Special One'

By 'You go Boss'

I'll get me coat ...

i thought that was quality

[grizfoot]

Jose Mourinho has said he wants to go back to Portugal and never be seen in England again... The McCanns have offered to help....

[Presty On Tour]

This story occurred on Auckland radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win a holiday to Bali.

Last week the competition went like this:

Presenter: Gidday its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game ?

Brian: Yeah, sure.

Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?

Brian: Ohhh, maaaate. Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock thismorning.

Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian ? Brian: Orrrrr ... about 10 minutes.

Presenter: 10 minutes ? Good one. And where did you do it mate ?

Brian: Ohhhh maaaaate, I can't say that.

Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian !

Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.

Presenter: (and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife ?

Brian: Yeah, alright.

Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you ? Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.

Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.

Sharelle: Hi Brian.

Brian: Hi Sharelle.

Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.

Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.

Sharelle: O.K.

Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex ?

Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.

Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.

Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.

Presenter: Good, nice start ! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle ?

Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.

Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.

Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it ?

Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.

Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.

Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway .. just tell em.

Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the arse !

Radio Silence

Advert

Presenter: Sorry if anyone was offended before, we're going live here, and sometimes these things happen. We've given Brian and Sharelle the holiday. Now we'll take a music break.

[cletus]

good un! ^^^

[Jim J]

and an old one, thats been doing the rounds for years. Would have loved to have heard it if true.

[Ste B]

This story occurred on Auckland radio last week.

No it didn't. It happens on every radio station every week. Brian and Sharelle must be sick of holidays. and potentially she has a very sore arse. http://www.snopes.com/radiotv/tv/newlywed.asp

[Eddie]

Wrong thread

[philipl]

Wrong thread

Picked the wrong orifice?

(Sorry Eddie)

[dave birch]

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway.'

'You're going to be OK, you'll walk again, everything, but something

happened. I'm trying to break this gently but your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, 'You've got £9000 compensation coming to you

and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact.

But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's a thousand pounds an inch.'

The bloke perks up at this.

'So the thing is' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches

you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife.

I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a

nine inch she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and

you decide only to invest in a five incher this time she might be disappointed."

So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'

So the bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the

next day.

'So' says the doctor 'Have you spoken with your wife?'

'I have.' says the fellow.

'And has she helped you in making the decision?'

'She has' says the bloke.

And what is it?' asks the doctor. . . . . . . ..

'We're having a new kitchen.'