[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Cocker]

[Cocker]

Went to the Gym today and had a go on the new machine they have.

Felt sick after using it for about half an hour, - it is good though, it has kit kats, mars bars, crisps, everything....

[Cocker]

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them.

When the Browns came to see the doctor he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be, I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please, help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios... "

[Presty On Tour]

what do you call a cow eating a polo?

mints beef!

what has a condom and a kodak got in common?

they are both used to capture that special moment !

[Cocker]

Apple computers have announced today the development of a computer chip that plays music and which can be implanted into a woman's breast.

The i-Tit costs £399 and is regarded as a major breakthrough as women are always complaining about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.

[colin]

It reads "Alabama," but we know where it really belongs....................

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb,(fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

[Al]

Bin Laden sent a message this week to prove that he was still alive. He said 'Burnley were sh1t

last Saturday'.

British Intelligence have dismissed it saying 'This could have been recorded any time in the last 20 years'.

[Presty On Tour]

quality

[adopted scouser]

Ok, so you're driving your car. There's a sheer drop to your left, and a fire engine to your right. In front of you is a giant galloping pig - the same size as your car, and behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

What do you do ?

[Cocker]

Ok, so you're driving your car. There's a sheer drop to your left, and a fire engine to your right. In front of you is a giant galloping pig - the same size as your car, and behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

What do you do ?

SPOILER: Highlight the block below, I think I have got it. (At first I was trying to figure out what all that had to do with Van Persie):-

Is it a merry go round?

[adopted scouser]

SPOILER: Highlight the block below, I think I have got it. (At first I was trying to figure out what all that had to do with Van Persie):-

Is it a merry go round?

Yeah - 'Get off the merry go round - you're p1ssed'!

[Cocker]

Was looking at the Van Persie Gif, actually he does look like he is trying to do an impression of a merry go round

[Presty On Tour]

did u hear about the magic tractor?

it drove down the road and turned in2 a field!

wot do u call a spanish guy without a car?

carlos!

I like your thinking

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny.

None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.

The teacher replies, The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking. Then Little Johnny says, I have a question for YOU.

There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream.

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well I suppose the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.

The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on...but I like your thinking.

[Paul]

A teacher asks her class, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left? She calls on little Johnny.

None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.

Where you at the sports dinner at Ewood last Friday night? Heard this one word for word there.

[bblue]

Yeah - 'Get off the merry go round - you're p1ssed'!

There are "galloping pigs" rides in a merry go round? Pig?!

[Cocker]

(ITS OLD I KNOW)

A woman comes home and tells her husband,

"Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, "Susie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' And it worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

The husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband responds, "Don't move! I'll be right back."

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

[Presty On Tour]

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, the young

Lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated, she changed from

Her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers, fixed some popcorn

And resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her door

Bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her and gasped,

"I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"

[bblue]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device … a dildo! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. “You impotent @#/?,” She screamed at him, “How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: “I’ll explain the toy … you explain the kids.”

[Mc Love]

Sorry to be just posting a link in here but this had in me in tears laughing!!!

ROFLMAO

[Presty On Tour]

Sorry to be just posting a link in here but this had in me in tears laughing!!!

ROFLMAO

fuk theres some sh1t on the internet

[matt65]

that has had me in stitches,superb reading.

[bblue]

Sorry to be just posting a link in here but this had in me in tears laughing!!!

ROFLMAO

I was eating while checking that link...Had to pause for the moment and take a deep breath!

[Biddy]

That has got to be one of the funniest topics ever.

[adopted scouser]

Bloody funny thread

[Cheshireblue]

A man had great tickets for the World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the empty seat next to him.

"No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" says the other man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the World Cup Final, the biggest sporting event, and not use it?"

"Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final wehaven't been to together since we got married.

"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral..."