[Archived] Friday Funnies

[bellamy11]

Sorry to be just posting a link in here but this had in me in tears laughing!!!

ROFLMAO

Remind me never to go to Elland Road ever again. That place must be a disaster zone.

[Rovermatt]

Check out Aries Spears's (American comedian and impressionist) rap medley.

are

[Mc Love]

Man he does DMX to a tee!!! Brilliant

[Rovermatt]

He does all of them to a tee.

[fee]

My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the vet. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

The lady goes to the Chemist and gets some "Nair" hair remover. When she goes to pay, the Chemist tells her, "If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The Chemist says: "If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."

The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."

The Chemist says: "I'd stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

[RoversFanUSA]

Check out Aries Spears's (American comedian and impressionist) rap medley.

are

Dopey dizzle fo shizzle!!!

[Cocker]

[Wolverine]

That looks brilliant. Especially George Michaels bit!

[colin]

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

5. Aluminium

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. Anti-constitutionalistically

3. Passive-aggressive disorder

4. Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more booze for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Kebab? No thanks, I'm not hungry.

5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?

6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.

7. I'm not interested in fighting you.

8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.

9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.

10. I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.

[1864roverite]

Bad start to my morning......

On the way to the office this morning, I rear-ended a car. Somehow I knew it was going to be a bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a dwarf, poor @#/?.

He looked at his dented car and then looked up at me and said "I am not happy"

I said, "Well, which one are you then?"

That's how the fight started...

[1864roverite]

God love the Scots

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous. At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone, "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd pierced the quiet... "Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil @#/?!"

[Rovers Air Force]

Subject: Fwd: FW: Genuine Complaint to Edinburgh Police

This is the best e-mail....ever?

Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police

station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and

try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this

message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier

pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments

(I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off

Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game

which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of

a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings

throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and

as I am unsure how the scoring sytem works, I have no idea if it will

end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through

several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so

thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw

and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear

that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention

to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two

bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs

off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to

lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up

half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. after replying to this e-mail with worthless

assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with,

why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night)

when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car

before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of

course serve no ther purpose than to remind us what policemen actually

look like.

I trust that when I take a clawhammer to the skull of one of these

throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head

start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant

?????????

------------------------------------------------------------------------

------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems

caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have

encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an

offer of discussing the matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details

(address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards

PC ???

?????????????

Community Beat Officer

---------------------------------------------------------------

Dear PC ?????

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my

original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for

Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details

to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community

beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert

skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I

have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep

undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the

acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a

wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are

headhunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place

in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due

care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain

(using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these ######

that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere. The

pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DKs are both within spitting

distance as is the bottom of the Albert Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to

contact me on ??? ????. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to

answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards

???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you

don't work for the cleansing department.

[den]

Idiots.

[Rovers Air Force]

This has got to be one of the most clever

E-mails I've received in awhile.

Someone out there either has too much

spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.

(Wait till you see the last one)!

DORMITORY:

When you rearrange the letters:

DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN:

When you rearrange the letters:

BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER:

When you rearrange the letters:

MOON STARER

DESPERATION:

When you rearrange the letters:

A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:

When you rearrange the letters:

HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE :

When you rearrange the letters:

HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:

When you rearrange the letters:

CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:

When you rearrange the letters:

IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:

When you rearrange the letters:

LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:

When you rearrange the letters:

ALAS! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT:

When you rearrange the letters:

I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES:

When you rearrange the letters:

THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:

When you rearrange the letters:

TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:

When you rearrange the letters:

WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with way too much time on their hands!

(Probably a son-in-law).

[fee]

Woolworths are selling off their cuddly toys at dirt cheap prices.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Seems they aren't allowed to make a prophet out of a teddy bear.

[American Rover12]

Ahahaha :lol: I'll get your coat...

[Grabbi Graeme]

After all the mayhem of calling a teddy bear Mohamed in the sudan, Sooty has cancelled his tour of Jamaica.

[colin]

I dont think the 15 days imprisonment for the primary school teacher in Sudan was too harsh.

But I did think deporting her to Liverpool was a bit much.

[LeftWinger]

A woman goes into her local music store looking for an old record; behind the counter is small young boy.

She says excuse me sonny but do you have Jingle bells on 7 inch

He says no but I've got dangling balls on a 9 inch

Thats not a record is it?

It is for a 10 year old.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Went to see a child psychologist the other day..

Useless, mind you was only 7!

[DanLad]

I keep looking at the Bentley goal AR12.

Great work by Benni Mac peeling the chap off the end of the wall. Never noticed it before!

A few people are making runs...RSC just stands and watches it fly in!

[Eddie]

It's actually Mokoena who is on the end of the wall, but you're right, his pushing does get the man out of the way.

[philipl]

The Rovers' laziest player (according to some) sprints in from out of shot to be perfectly positioned to knock in the rebound had it hit the post.

Sorry this isn't particularly funny folks. Its a hypnotic clip though.

[LeftWinger]

The Rovers' laziest player (according to some) sprints in from out of shot to be perfectly positioned to knock in the rebound had it hit the post.

Yet he'll still be criticised for wasting energy when everyone else knew it was going in

[DanLad]

Yet he'll still be criticised for wasting energy when everyone else knew it was going in

Maybe the poor chap had a lapse in concentration and was desperately trying to get offside...

Only kidding. It was a good, goal-poaching run!

[herbergeehh]

While you're waiting for the game to start..

Sorry for adding a link in here, but it's worth the look.