[Archived] Friday Funnies

[cletus]

Q...Why does Rafa Benitez rotate his squad?

A...It keeps the thieves guessing whose houses are empty on match days

[cletus]

(just heard this on the radio)....

Q...How many Newcastle United managers does it take to change a lightbulb?

A...2. One to change the lightbulb & another to say how much they really really love to change that lightbulb.

[fee]

After suffering a persistent cough for a fortnight a bloke goes to his local chemist for some medicine.

The pharmacist listened to his complaint then sold te guy a box of laxative tablets.

Confused, the guy asks "will these cure my cough?"

Pharmacist replies "well try them and let's see if you dare cough again"

[1864roverite]

----- Subject: CIA Interview

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists,2 men and a woman.For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances are. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!'The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes.Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. ' I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.' Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.Shots were heard, one shot after another, eight in a row. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.'This gun is loaded with blanks,' she said. 'I had to beat the ###### to death with the chair.' Moral: Never put a woman to the test

[Presty On Tour]

Blonde wife painting house, husband walks in and can't believe she's doing so well. But to his surprise the sweat is dripping of her. The husband asks why are you wearing a leather jacket and a parka,? She said "ehh hello read the (Please don't use that word again)ing tin" it say's for best results put on two coats...

[Cocker]

A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an

appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The old man says, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from Bupa

[Presty On Tour]

what did one turnip say to another turnip?

when did you turnip!

what do you do with a spaceman?

park in it!

what did one set of traffic lights say to another set of traffic lights?

don't look, i'm changing!

[Jim J]

Just opened the christmas crackers Presty?

A woman goes into Harrods to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. The Harrods salesman is standing there, wearing dark shades.

She says, "Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says, "Madam, I'm completely blind but, if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 Reel and 10-lb. Test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this week for £44"

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!" As she opens her purse, her

credit card drops on the floor.

"Oh, that sounds like a Visa card," he says.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way the

blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be £58.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for £44. How did you get to £58.50?"

He replies, "Yes Madam, the rod and reel are £44, but the Duck Caller is £11 and the Fish Bait is £3.50."

[philipl]

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often

with just an hour and a half for lunch. One colleague said: "He was, how you say, un workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike.

"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat,

and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.

"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.

At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake

reception.

Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant @#/?s.

[Ste B]

Not for the faint hearted or hard of humour

http://www.sickipedia.org/

[cletus]

Statistically, 9/10 people enjoy gang rape

[Ozz]

Why did the Cannibal never eat all his dinner?

He couldn't stand the taste of defeat.

[cletus]

Benazir Bhutto stood up for human rights,

She stood up to oppression,

She stood up to the dictatorship

......but i bet she wished she never stood up to wave!

[cletus]

Q....Who was the last 20stone man to ride a derby winner?

.

.

.

.

.

A....Lester Piggot`s cellmate

[adopted scouser]

Why do women have period pains ?

'cause they deserve them

[Eddie]

Statistically, 9/10 people enjoy gang rape

[adopted scouser]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting.

Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early?

What's wrong?"

"I was stung by a bee", she said.

"Where", he asked.

"Between the first and second hole", she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[Al]

Why is it difficult to solve crimes in Burnley?

All the DNA matches.

[Grabbi Graeme]

A couple was on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about ready to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband,

"I have a confession to make, I'm not a virgin."

The husband replies, "That's no big thing in this day and age."

The wife continues, "Yeah, I've been with one guy."

"Oh yeah? Who was the guy?"

"Tiger Woods."

"Tiger Woods, the golfer?"

"Yeah."

"Well, he's rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed

with him."

The husband and wife then make passionate love.

When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.

"What are you doing?" asks the wife.

The husband says, "I'm hungry, I was going to call room service and get

something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it a second time."

The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a

second time.

When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. "Now what are

you doing?" she asks.

The husband says, "I'm still hungry so I was going to get room service

to get something to eat."

"Tiger wouldn't do that."

"Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?"

"He'd come back to bed and do it again."

The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.

When they finish he's tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone

and starts to dial.

The wife asks, "Are you calling room service?"

"No! I'm calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole!!"

Interesting Observation

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2 The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING

3 The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4 The sport of choice for supervisors

is BASEBALL.

5 The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

and........

6 The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

[SouthAussieRover]

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly... so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said... "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,... Well, sweet- cheeks .. in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you ........... Tray-up, Bitch..!

[cletus]

Amy Winehouse is reported to be distraught after being awarded 5 Grammys this week......she thought she`d won 5 grams

[Grabbi Graeme]

Just bought a couple of Top Gear T Shirts via their website,on the label it says.

These T Shirts were tested on animals, they didn't fit.

[Dunnfc]

How do u teach a blonde maths ?

Add a bed, subtract her knickers, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesn't multiply !

[Ozz]

I went to a pub on the moon last night. Bit crap though, there was no atmosphere.

[colin]

funny cats

Not really about funny cats for this thread, but the ginger cat (about 3 minutes & 5 seconds in - right at the end ) looks like Alan Shearer after he thinks he's said something clever on Match Of The Day.