[Archived] Friday Funnies

[fee]

Apparently the severed head found on the beach at Arbroath had been battered.

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They'll fry owt in Scotland!

[Ste B]

Lovely lovely lovely - probably not too work safe though -

[colin]

This may be the answer for the perennial conundrum of what to do for half time entertainment at Ewood

binocular football

Dillo, any help on this?

[adopted scouser]

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QUOTE(Ste B @ Apr 4 2008, 19:09 ) 598133[/snapback]

Lovely lovely lovely - probably not too work safe though -

Addicted already

[Grabbi Graeme]

I thought this was quite funny, clips from the tv series bullseye, it's when the gamble went wrong, the non dart player gets a good score then the supposed dart player then cocks it up.

Click

[cletus]

West Yorkshire police are questioning Shannon Matthews` mum Karen....not about Shannon going missing, but about how the hell she managed to get 5 men to sh4g her!

[Grabbi Graeme]

What greeting card can you find only in Burnley?

"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!"

[adopted scouser]

Pete Doherty has asked for the biggest,cheapest,dirtiest piece of crack to be delivered to his cell

...the wardens brought Karen Matthews to him.

[fee]

gutted!

[grizfoot]

A Day In The Life of Arsene Wenger ...

Monday 14 April

‘Wake up early. I set my alarm clock for later but, naturellement, someone has been in my room during the night and adjusted the time. I will not say who – we will let others judge.

I trip over the rug in my bedroom. The rug is not penalised in any way. If furnishings are allowed to keep getting away with these travesties of justice then it is the end for Arsene.

I am waiting for a package but my postman – who seemed to get himself in a good position - fails to deliver. Is my postman Emmanuel Eboue?

For sure it has not been the best of starts for me but I am working hard to make sure that nothing bothers me anymore but getting on with the job. I have lunch with my friend William at Pizza Express.

I have a Pizza a la Noci, but William doesn’t want anything off the children’s menu. I try to tell him he must have something and he goes out the door and sits on a traffic island for the next three hours. He is an excellent role model to my young team.

Next I meet Phillipe Senderos on a street corner. It is good to see him. However as soon as we leave that corner I lose him very easily and he spends the rest of the afternoon about ten yards away from me at all times. It is very frustrating.

I return to my car to find that a penalty fine has been given against me. Strange how all the other cars on the street have not been given tickets and yet they are all parked too.

The traffic warden tells me they are not parked on double yellow lines like mine. I tell him that I know what is going on, I am not stupid. He asks me what I mean and I smile and say ‘Let us think our own thoughts, mon ami.’

It takes me an age to get to the training ground. All the traffic lights are against me. Red and yellow lights everywhere, but only for me.

Finally I arrive and I’m greeted by my squad of wonderful players. Adebayor and Bendtner are holding hands and laughing and joking as usual.

Jens Lehmann is giving everyone fine words of encouragement as befits his status as our senior professional. Young Theo is coming on leaps and bounds with his French A-levels.

I call the boys together and tell them they are all winners. They play the best football. Then we play my favourite practising game ‘Twenty Passes Before You Can Score.’

Hoyte is terrible at this. Adebayor suggests we practise our free-kicks and corners – then every one falls about laughing! He is a funny guy.

It is great that humour can break the tension. I tell them another joke – that Alex Ferguson is going to buy van Persie for 10 million euros. Why does Robin not laugh?

Then I get serious with the boys. I tell them not to listen to the voices in their head that tell them to be paranoid. I tell them not to be neurotic – just leave that to me.

I tell them not to be concerned for my mental state. I may be a bit wobbly right now but I’m not Tom Hicks. I tell them that we will come back stronger, fitter and better than ever.

Cesc, le petit Espagnol, asks if I will be able to buy anyone in the summer to bolster the squad. I smile and nod. He need not worry. I have my eye on two Malian goat-herders as we speak plus a fine central defender from the Finnish second division.

In five years, I tell him, they will be football Gods comme Cygan et Stepanovs, especially the girl from Helsinki.

During training the boys look sad and tired. Moi aussi. Staying positive in this situation is about as feasible as winning a penalty at Old Trafford.

Sometimes, I think to myself that I am the only one who understood Eric Cantona’s sardines and trawler story. I too have been charting new territory in my elegant vessel the SS Arsenal (it would have been a 747 liner but we had to keep Bergkamp with us in the early years.)

Many have followed us with delight, but many others have tried to peck out the eyes of my vision. There have been stormy waters and troubled times. We were les Invincibles and maintenant, we are les Miserables.

My seagulls are not journalists and reporters. They are the sight-forsaken Rileys and Wileys of this world. These men of selective vision (and I know how that works, believe me!) People accuse me of having a persecution complex but these people are just out to get me.

I am a man of principle. There are ways to play le beau jeu but I know only one. I will not change. And we shall not crumble like an Englishman on the last day of a major golf tournament. And if it never succeeds again then it won’t be my fault.

Because I tell you this, mes amis:

Non, Je ne regrette rien!*

*Except picking Senderos. And moving Toure to right-back. Oh and selling Diarra.’

Source: BBC

[adopted scouser]

There is a new girls' doll out on the market. It comes with no shoes, no clothes, no house, no car and no farm.

It's called Zim-barbie.

[1864roverite]

After a relaxing bath... Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror . Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help. 'God... if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed.

And just like that... her ears fell off.

[brian_gallagher85]

A woman scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive man, standing alone. She approached him.

"My name is Carmen," she told him. "That's a beautiful name," he replied, "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most -- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

He said, "B. J. Titsenbeer"

[adopted scouser]

How many Alzheimers patients does it take to change a lightbulb?

To get to the other side.

[Ste B]

Apparently the first words Elisabeth Fritzl uttered after being released from 24 years in a cellar was "Are Burnley Still Sh1t"

Her Dads written a book. It wont be a best cellar.

[adopted scouser]

A journalist asked a neighbour how long he had known Fritzle's daughter Alice.

"Alice? he replied. "who the f**k is Alice? For 24 years i've been living next door to Alice???"

[LeftWinger]

A man walks into a petrol station and says

"Can I please have a kitkat chunky?"

The lady behind the till gets him a kitkat chunky and brings it back to him.

"No" says the man. "I wanted a normal kitkat you fat bitch"

[LeftWinger]

A 54 YEAR OLD MATHS TEACHER LEFT HIS WIFE A NOTE SAYING, WHEN YOU GET THIS MESSAGE,I'LL BE AT THE GRAND HOTEL WITH MY 18 YEAR OLD STUDENT.

THE WIFE FAXES HIM AT THE HOTEL WITH A MESSAGE."WHEN YOU GET THIS YOUR 54 YEAR OLD WIFE WILL BE AT HOME WITH AN 18 YEAR OLD TOY BOY". AND BEING A MATHS TEACHER, YOU'LL KNOW THAT 18 WILL GO INTO 54 A WHOLE LOT MORE THAN 54 WILL GO INTO 18

[cletus]

A broad accented Yorkshire man went to the vet`s surgery & says "Av come about t`cat"

The vet asks "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshire guy replies "No, av brought it wi` me"

[Grabbi Graeme]

What has marriage and a tornado got in common?

They both start with sucking and blowing and then you end up losing your house.

[Ozz]

A broad accented Yorkshire man went to the vet`s surgery & says "Av come about t`cat"

The vet asks "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshire guy replies "No, av brought it wi` me"

[Ozz]

An elephant walks into a bar, where a guy is playing a piano. The elephant starts crying, so the piano players asks "Ah, do you recognise the song?"

"No" says the elephant "I recognise the ivory."

[1864roverite]

Little MARK goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

MARK says 'Mas-tur-bate.'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little MARK, that's a mouthful.'

Little MARK says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'

[b12_simon]

Why did the Adobe Acrobat document get sent to prison?

Cos it was a PDF-file.

I'll get me coat!

[1864roverite]

NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN

DAMNITOL

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

EMPTYNESTROGEN

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out!

ST. MOMMA'S WORT

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

PEPTOBIMBO

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

DUMBEROL

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

FLIPITOR

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

MENICILLIN

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, 'You make me want to be a better person. '

BUYAGRA

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

JACKASSPIRIN

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat

ANTI-TALKSIDENT

A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

NAGAMENT

When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him, without opening your mouth.