[Archived] Friday Funnies

[JC4LAB]

Telephone number for Yorkshiremen wanting to lose weight..............Eight nowt ..Eight nowt.. Eight nowt

[American]

The Olympic flame is on its way to China, and what will they call the guy who has to transport it down the Yangtsee River?

The Chinese Water Torcher.

[1864roverite]

INFAMOUS TESCO MURDER

Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious, dark-side, underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000.The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single pound coin that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the pound as down payment for the dirty deed.A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands and as the poor unsuspectin g woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by thehidden security cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police.Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the store. Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.The next day in the newspaper,The headline declared.............(You're going to hate me for this)

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> > 'ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A POUND AT TESCO!'

[Cocker]

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, 'My hands are freezing cold.'

The mother replied, 'Put them between your legs. Your body heat will warm them up.’ The daughter did, and her hands warmed up.

The next day, the daughter was riding with her boyfriend who said, 'My hands are freezing cold.' The girl replied, 'Put them between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm them up.' He did and warmed his hands.

The following day, the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the daughter. He said, 'My nose is cold.' The girl replied, 'Put it between my legs. The warmth of my body will it up'. He did and warmed his nose.

The next day the boyfriend was again driving with the daughter, and he said, 'My penis is frozen solid.'

The following day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her mother again, and she says to her mother, 'Have you ever heard of a penis?'

Slightly concerned the mother said,' Why, yes...?! Why do you ask?'

The daughter replies: 'They make one heck of a mess when they defrost, don't they?’

[Grabbi Graeme]

When we out last week my wife asked me to take her somewhere expensive.

So I took her to a petrol station.

I'll get me coat.

[1864roverite]

Two Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a

sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely

until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore

off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all

about.

'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when

Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the

opening, If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful

squaw in there waiting for us.'

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the

cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

from deep inside He also tore off his clothes and ran into the

opening.

The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then

spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the

huge opening, he was thinking, 'Hoo, man! Look at the size of this

cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some

really big, fine women in this cave!' He stood in front of the opening

and hollered with all his might.....

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!'

Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO,

WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!'

With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the

cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read.....

(Get ready, this will kill ya),

NAKED IRISHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!

[1864roverite]

The Spoon

For all of you who frequent restaurants and understand the need for the

service to be faster, this short story is a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference to an organisation.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant and noticed that

the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It

seemed a little strange.

When another waiter brought our water, I noticed he also had a spoon in his

shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons

in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well", he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to

revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded

that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a

drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our

personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to

the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it

with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen,

instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the

waiter's zip. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same

string hanging from their zips. So before he walked off, I asked the

waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right

there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice.

"Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found

out that we can save time in the lavatory. By tying this string to the tip

of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the

need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the toilet by 76.39

percent.

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the

spoon.".

[adopted scouser]

I remember when my grandad went into a retirement home, very sad. I rang up my gran and asked how he was doing.

"Oh, he's like a fish out of water."

"Is he finding it hard to adjust then?"

"No, he's dead."

[adopted scouser]

One

How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb ?

[Rover down South]

My mate just sent me this, not sure if its old:

Ann Summers have just bought out a new sex lubricant, its called ky Terry & its specifically designed to help you slip in the box more easily!

[cletus]

You have to hand it to the producers of Big Brother, searching far and wide for unusual and interesting people to be housemates this year.

For example, managing to find a black person, from Croydon, with a chip on her shoulder... What are the chances?

[1864roverite]

Joke of the day

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly

agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks,"Dad, what's love juice?"

Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, "So what were you watchin'?"

Billy says, "Wimbledon

[1864roverite]

There's always one.

This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

Operator: "What sort of trouble??"

Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

Operator: "Went away?"

Caller: "They disappeared."

Operator: "Hmm So what does your screen look like now?"

Caller: "Nothing."

Operator: "Nothing??"

Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"

Caller: "How do I tell?"

Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"

Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"

Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"

Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"

Caller: "What's a monitor?"

Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"

Caller: "I don't know."

Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"

Caller: "Yes, I think so."

Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.

Caller: "Yes, it is."

Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

Caller: "Okay, here it is."

Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

Caller: "I can't reach."

Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"

Caller: "No."

Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"

Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

Operator: "Dark??"

Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.

" Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."

Caller: "I can't."

Operator: "No? Why not??"

Caller: "Because there's a power failure."

Operator: "A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.

Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"

Caller: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"

Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"

Operator: "Tell them you're too f---ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

[Eddie]

That's another one of those internet stories which has later been shown not to be true. It's based on real events, but not quite as extreme, funny though and I'm sure similar things do happen.

[Mc Love]

They do....even with with Liteon DVD players!!

[cletus]

I can't ####ing stand Mark Lawrenson.

If I want someone to constantly interrupt my enjoyment of the football with pointless, witless, ill-informed sh1te then I'll get a girlfriend.

[b12_simon]

Funny as fook and apparently genuine - Andy Cole's debut single

[Billy Castell]

On a similar note, Dee Dee Ramone's rap masterpiece

[fee]

A chap has a problem, in that whenever he goes for a wee, he can't stop a final dribble making an embarrassing wet patch in his trousers. No matter how vigorous his post-wee shake, a small amount drips out and soaks through.

He finds this all very tiresome, and in despair pays a visit to his doctor.

The good doctor says he has seen this problem before, and tells the man that he knows a cure! (Hurrah!)

The cure is a procedure by which one of the man's nasal hairs are removed and transplanted on to the end of his willy. The man remains sceptical as to the possible outcome, but is willing to try anything.

The man agrees, and the small operation is performed.

The doctor invites the man to try it out.

The man has a wee, a good shake, and waits in excitement.

However, his spirits drop when, as before, a small droplet of wee remains, and starts to slide down the newly transplanted hair.

But then, just as the droplet reaches the end of the hair....his willy goes:

.

.

.

.

*sniff*

[rebelmswar]

Rebelmswar's Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a pizza, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable f or boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take long er th an painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zip ped u p t o her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi . When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

[RoversFanUSA]

How To Shower Like a Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red and raw.

9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair (take at least 15 minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African Country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.

14. Pee (in the shower).

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.

16. Partially dry off.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

[Rover down South]

Tom Jones, Robbie Williams and Elton John were walking down the road one day and came across Kylie Minogue with her head stuck in some railings

Tom said to Robbie " We'll never have a better chance - how about it?" Robbie said "Not 'alf!"

After the two of them had had their wicked way Tom asked Elton if he fancied some. Elton said "I'd love to but I don't think I could get my head in the railings!"

[1864roverite]

Doctor's Office.........

This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are

there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and

sometimes it is embarrassing..

There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?'

'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.'

'Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said.

The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.'

The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone.'

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??'

'There's something wrong with my ear', he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??'

'I can't ###### out of it,' he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

An Irish Ghost Story

This story happened a while ago in Dublin , and

even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the

road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong

he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.

Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the

car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the

wheel

and the engine wasn't running.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a

curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere

through the window and turned the wheel.

John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the

window,

but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,

so,

gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody

about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying

and....wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the

dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of

breath.

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one

said to the other...

'Look Paddy..there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were

pushing it!!!!'

[1864roverite]

Newsflash

gary glitter has just attempted suicide by jumping into the sea, however coastguards managed to find him bobbing up and down on a small bouy !

[ABBEY]

jade goody has had her worries lifted as garry glitter has offered to foster her kids when shes gone.