[Archived] Friday Funnies

[adopted scouser]

The plane in Spain falls mainly on the runway.

[Presty On Tour]

Did u hear about the Irish tap dancer?

He fell into the sink and broke his ankle!!!!

[adopted scouser]

I was watching a sports round-up the other day.

I think that it's so inspiring to see someone who was badly burnt as a child, suffers from dwarfism and downs syndrome can still reach the pinnacle of their chosen sport.

So may I say congratulations to Carlos Tevez on a fantastic goal against Liverpool.

[colin]

Anyway, I was down the pub the other night and I got chatting to this good looking woman. She was about 40 years old, had a really brilliant figure and had obviously looked after herself.

I should mention that I've looked after myself too. I'm still 10 stone, eat well and get plenty of exercise.

We carried on chatting for ages until it was closing time.

Then she said "Do you fancy coming back to my place?" Then she added "I might just be able to arrange every man's dream of a three-some with a mother & her daughter."

Well, who could refuse such an offer? If her daughter was half as good looking as she was I would be in for a really steamy night.

I walked back with her to her house.

She let herself in and I followed, anticipating lots of fun.

As she got to the bottom of the stairs she shouted up

"Mother, are you awake?"

[1864roverite]

Postman Pat - The best blonde joke by far!!!

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.

At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box.

The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, tomatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a $5 note sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. 'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the five dollars for?'

'Well,' said the dumb blonde, 'last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you'.

He said, 'F*** him. Give him five bucks.'

She smiled prettily. 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[colin]

Achmed The Dead Terrorist

here

10m 47s

[Presty On Tour]

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic warden shouted to me...

"Oi, what's your disability?"

I said "Tourettes! Now fook off you to55er"

[stegraham]

Following the problems in the US sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking market. In the last seven days Origami bank has folded, the Sumo bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Yesterday it was announced that the Karaoke bank is up for sale and is expected to go for a song. Shares in the Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nose dived. The Samurai bank is soldiering on after making sharp cut backs, the Ninja bank has taken a hit, but remains in the black, while 500 staff at the Karate bank got the chop. Finally analysts think that there’s something fishy going on at the Sushi bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[Grabbi Graeme]

A man goes to the doctor, complaining of a serious case of tennis elbow. The doctor clearly isn't interested in what he's saying, his only interest is in showing off his new computer and demanding a sample of urine. After 10 mins, the man just gives up, takes the sample container from the doctor and goes home.

Next morning, he wakes up, has a shower and pees into the pot. Thinking he'll have a little fun with the doctor, he gets his wife, son & daughter to pee into it as well. For an extra bit of fun, he decided that he'll have a quick 5-knuckle-shuffle into the pot too! He puts the lid on, goes downstairs and out to the garage and gets in the car. Just as he's getting in, he stops and looks underneath and sees oil dripping onto the floor. He couldn't resist! He opened the container, caught a few drops of engine oil in it, put the lid on and gave it a reallly good shake. "Excellent!", he said, "this'll really confuse the doctor and that darned computer!".

After a short wait in the aptly named waiting room, the doctor calls him into his office, still full of exitement over his new toy. The man smugly hands the container over and the doctor puts it into the special receptical next to the computer. It buzzes, whirrs and clicks away for a few minutes, then there was a few seconds of silence before the printer sprang into life. The doctor pulled off the piece of paper, read it and said "Hmmm, Mr Jones, I'm afaid I have some bad news......"

"Your son's gay, your daughter's pregnant and your wife's sleeping with the milkman. The oil in your '98 Volvo estate needs changing, and if you don't quit w**king then you'll NEVER get rid of the tennis elbow!!"

[Rover down South]

A bloke walks past Spurs training ground & catches the players playing football with a hedgehog. He says "oi, stop that or I'll report you to the RSPCA", "F**k off says the Hedgehog, I'm 3-0 up!!"

[matt65]

Burnley couple are walking out of a divorce court,the wife is crying her heart out.Husband says.......

for f##k sake stop crying,you're still my sister.

[ABBEY]

just laughing ,Ive read the last few pages on here and theres a lot more worse words on than what i got a 50% warning for.....ah well another warning probably as mr b will say im stirring.

[Mc Love]

50 per cent warning, must have been pretty bad

[ABBEY]

make that 75%

[1864roverite]

The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle

and whose given name was 'Onestone'. He hated that

name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally

cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone

again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called

him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird

forgot and said, 'Good morning, Onestone.' He

jumped up, g rabbed her and took her deep into

the forest where he made love to her all day and

all night. He made love to her all the next day,

until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what

he promised he would do. Years went by and no

one dared call him by his given name until A woman

named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being

away. Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was

overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him

and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,

then he made love to her all day, made love to her all

night, made love to her all the next day, made love to

her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

Think about it !!!

You're going to love this !!!

Everyone knows....

You can't kill Two Birds

with OneStone !!!

[philipl]

This is lovely:

A Palin drome

Wasilla's all I saw

[1864roverite]

CAKE OR BED

> A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A

> FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

>

> 'HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

> IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.'

>

> HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,

> 'FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'POWERGEN' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

> I DON'T THINK SO!'

>

> 'FINE!'

>

> THEN THE WIFE ASKS,

> 'WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

> IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT'

>

> TO WHICH HE REPLIED,

> 'FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

> DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'FRIDGIDAIRE'

> WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

> I DON'T THINK SO!'

>

> 'FINE!' SHE SAYS

> 'THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS

> TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK'

>

> 'I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T

> WANT TO FIX STEPS', HE SAYS, 'DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'TAYLOR WOODROW' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

> I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!'

>

> SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A

> COUPLE OF HOURS................

>

> HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW

> HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES

> TO GO HOME

>

> AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES

> THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

>

> AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE

> HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

>

> AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES

> THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

>

> HONEY, HE ASKS, 'HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?'

> SHE SAID, 'WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT

> OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.

> HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.'

>

> HE SAID,

> 'SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?'

>

> SHE REPLIED, 'HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE 'MR KIPLING' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!'

[colin]

Two Poems for you

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I've got Alzheimers

This little piggie went to market.

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I'm schitzophrenic

So am I

[ABBEY]

so col you dont like it when people have a go at certain types of people but its ok to rip people with alzheimers and scitos.

[tony gale's mic]

[Amo]

^^^ I'd love to believe that was a true story.

[ABBEY]

no way is that real.....funny tho.

[colin]

so col you dont like it when people have a go at certain types of people but its ok to rip people with alzheimers and scitos.

Abbey,

Here is a *joke*. Take two steps to the left (as in line dancing - do it ) and here is *real life.* Every Funny on this thread has a victim. A quick trawl back will hit Irish, gays, women. You name them. they've probably been the butt of a joke.

I'm sorry if my joke upset you. I've got mental health issues in my life. As will most of us eventually. I can still post a joke about it.

Cheers

[Presty On Tour]

Have you heard about the new viagra eye drops?

They make you look hard!

[colin]

This is lovely:

A Palin drome

Wasilla's all I saw

I just got that earlier today..................

Thick or what?