[Archived] Friday Funnies

[1864roverite]

Female Compassion

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Tracy,

That the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears,he asked her to make love with him.

Of course She agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, 'Babe, now I only

Have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?'

Tracy agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight

Hours of life left.

He touched Tracy's shoulder and said, 'Babe? Please?

Just one more time Before I

die.'

She agreed, then after the act she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed

and Turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. 'Babe, I only have

Four hours left! Could we...?'

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, 'Listen Barry, I'm

not

Being funny but I have to get up in the morning and you don't.'

Subject: FW: Taxman

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said 'I notice you buy a lot of candles.

What do you do with the candle drippings?'

Good question noted the Rabbi.

'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.'

'Oh' replied the inspector somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer

But on he went in his obnoxious way.

'What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?'

'Ah, yes' replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of holy biscuits.'

'I see' replied the inspector, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

'Well, Rabbi' he went on, 'what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?'

'Here too, we do not waste' answered the Rabbi,

'What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick.'

[Presty On Tour]

What's the difference between Paul Ince and a bucket of @#/??

The bucket

[Neil Weaver]

Went to see the world weary wordsmith at the weekend Mr Cooper Clarke. In fine form, including the customary few minutes about Burnley. This caused a few belly laughs....... after a wedding do in Burnley the happy couple retire to the wedding suite to consummate the marriage. They're just about to get cracking when the bride confides she's still a virgin. The groom is shocked, and decides to ring his dad for some advice. "Son, you'll have to divorce her. If she's not good enough for her own family she's not good enough for ours."

[Presty On Tour]

My Dear Friend,

Your application to join our online dating agency has been officially rejected.

One of the questions we asked on the application was: "What do you like most in a woman?"

"My dick" is not an appropriate answer!

Thank you for your interest.

[Flopsy]

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE

1940's, 50's, 60's and 70's

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

Take away food was limited to fish and chips, no pizza shops, McDonalds, KFC, Subway or Nandos.

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn't open on the weekends, somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy? Toffees, Gobstoppers, Bubble Gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.??

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/dvd? films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!?

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully's? always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

And while you are at it, forward it to your kids so they will know how brave their parents were.

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

[Mc Love]

Some of them can be applied to 80's kids too

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos. They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon and processed meat, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.

Then after that trauma, our baby cots were covered with bright coloured lead-based paints.

We had no childproof doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no shoes, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no air bags.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle or glass

Take away food was limited to fish and chips or Chinese (Believe or not)

Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm somehow we didn't starve to death!

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because......

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.??

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/dvd? films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no Lawsuits from these accidents.

Only girls had pierced ears!?

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time...

We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays,

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Mum didn't have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT

bully's always ruled the playground at school.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of.

They actually sided with the law!

Our parents didn't invent stupid names for their kids like 'Kiora' and 'Blade' and 'Ridge' and 'Vanilla'

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

[colin]

RUGBY and CRICKET had tryouts and not everyone made the team.

British sports, meet American English. I don't beleive you two have met before.

[1864roverite]

An 11yr old burnley girl wrote into a teen magazine.

Dear Agony Aunt, I am 11yrs old and still a virgin.

Do you think my dad is gay ?

[ABBEY]

I actually thought you had put is MY DAD GAV!!!!!!

[pksrover]

Fireman Sam - Scouse voiceover

This scouse 'version' of Fireman Sam is hillarious

*ding-fookin-ding-ding*

[Jim J]

Credit Crunch Joke

Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife

'They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans', he says

'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on shopping...

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man,

'It's my face cream.. It makes me look beautiful,' she says.

The man replies... 'so does 24 cans of Stella and it's half the ***king price'

[Rovermatt]

Two Kerry men, Paddy and Seamus, are wandering down the road one afternoon and happen upon a pretty young girl trying to fix a punctured tyre on a brand new bicycle. They both stop to see if there is anything they can do to help. It's a one man job so Paddy saunters on down the road. After ten minutes Seamus comes whistling along on the bicycle, pleased as punch. Paddy, aghast, exclaims: 'Jaysus boyo! How did ye git your hans on dat?!'

'Well' says Seamus carefully, 'When Oi fixed up de weel like, de little girly took aff hor dress, hor knickers an lay down on de grass an says te me: "Gwan big boyo, take what ye want..." so here Oi am.'

'Good man' says Paddy sagely, 'dem knickers wouldna fitted ye anyway.'

[Mc Love]

Many years ago, when the big oil companies were drilling for oil in

the Middle East, Esso came upon a huge oil well in a remote desert

area near the sea.

In no time there were numerous pipelines, a large jetty and roads and

accommodation buildings had been constructed. Esso informed the local

Sheikh of developments. He got on his camel one day and came down with

his retinue to inspect the new city. When the Esso boss had finished

showing him around, he asked the Sheikh what name he wished to give

this new city.

The Sheikh thought for a moment, and then he spotted a large boat

coming in with new workers from various European countries. He said "I

will name the new city after the first person to step off that boat".

They all went down to the quay to greet the boat and the first person

to come down the gang plank was a Corkman. The Sheikh was standing

there before him and said "Stranger, I have decided to name this great

new city after you".

And the Corkman replied…

"Do, boy"

[1864roverite]

To lighten our load, here goes.

The new fairy liquid advert stars a family from Burnley.

The kid asks,"Mummy why are your hands so soft ?"

Mum replies "because I am only f***ing 13".

Boom Boom

[Al]

I bought an advent calendar from Woolworths but all the windows were boarded up!

[adopted scouser]

An M.P says to new american black president Barack Obama, whats ur policy on De-fense, Obama replies, i'll paint it the same as the rest of De-House.

[colin]

An M.P says to new american black president Barack Obama, whats ur policy on De-fense, Obama replies, i'll paint it the same as the rest of De-House.

A tumbleweed rolls across the landscape. Somewhere in the distance a coyote howls.

[1864roverite]

HOW YODELING BEGAN

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn. As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, 'Who is that man going into the barn?'

'That fellow traveling through,' said the farmer. 'needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.'

The daughter said, 'Perhaps he is hungry.' So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. 'How could he leave without even saying good-bye,' she cried. 'We made such passionate love last night!'

'What?' shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out...

..

'"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"'

[SouthAussieRover]

A middle-aged man bought a brand new Holden Monaro. He took off down the

road, pushed it up to 130 kph, and was enjoying the wind blowing through

his (thinning) hair. This is great,' he thought and accelerated to an

even higher speed.

But then he looked in his rear-view mirror, and there was a Police Car

behind him, blue and red lights flashing.

I can get away from him with no problem' thought the man and he floored

it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 kph to escape being

stopped.

Then he thought, 'What the hell am I doing?

I'm too old for this kind of thing' and pulled over to the side of the

road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him. The Policeman

pulled in behind the Monaro and walked up on the driver's side.

'Sir my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. If you

can give me a good reason why you were speeding that I've never heard

before, I'll let you go.'

The man looked back at the Policeman and said, 'Last week my wife ran

off with a Policeman, and I thought you were bringing her back.'

The Policeman said, 'Have a nice day.'

[adopted scouser]

A duck walks into a bar ...........

Got any bread ?

Barman says no ..

Got any bread ?

Barman says no ..

Got any bread ?

No..

Got any bread ?

No..

Got any bread ?

No..

Got any bread ?

No..

Got any bread ?

No we haven't got any bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f****ng beak to the bar you irritating little b**tard....

Got any nails ?

No !

Got any bread ?

[colin]

Love it

[dave birch]

Took that long, did it Col?

Or was it SAR's joke, or maybe 1864's?

[Mc Love]

An Afghan up on his balcony, 5 stories up and he's shaking a carpet and a passer-by shouts up to him: " what's wrong achmed? Will it not start?!"

[adopted scouser]

Went bobsleighing the other day

Killed 25 Bobs

[Shabani]

show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor