[Archived] Friday Funnies

[cletus]

****NEWSFLASH****

....A spokesperson for 60s pop group 'The Animals' today made a public apology, saying they were mistaken & there isn`t a house in New Orleans after all!

[Grabbi Graeme]

Q How much do cockney's spend on shampoo?

A Pantene

[bellamy11]

Somebody was watching Jack Dee at the Apollo!

[Grabbi Graeme]

I thought it was funny enough to share with the people who didn't watch Jack Dee tonight.

Also funny was one of the other text he had.

"I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread but when I looked again it said thick cut "

[Jim J]

First reports from the FBI on new Orleans was of a suicide plumber...

[Dan Furness]

I thought it was funny enough to share with the people who didn't watch Jack Dee tonight.

Also funny was one of  the other text he had.

"I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread but when I looked again it said thick cut "

346578[/snapback]

[1864roverite]

who was the last Briton to F$$K the Aussies and bring back the ashes ???

...

...

...

PAULA YATES !

[cletus]

New Orleans police have recovered the bodies of five black men from the floodwaters. police believe they may be the Drifters.

[American]

Damn, I'm going to hell for how hard I laughed at that one.

[Cocker]

JACK & JILL GET MARRIED!!!!

>

> Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father

> sat him down for a

> little fireside chat. He says, Jack, let me tell you

> something.

>

> On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took

> off my pants and

> handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here -try

> these on.' So, she did

> and said, 'These are too big, I can't wear them.' So

> I replied, Exactly.

> I wear the pants in this family and I always will.'

> Ever since that

> night we have never had any problems."

>

> "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good

> thing to try."

>

> So, on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and

> says to Jill, "Here

> try these on."

>

> So she does and says, "These are too large; they

> don't fit me."

>

> Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family

> and I always will,

> and I don't want you to ever forget that."

>

> Then Jill takes off her pants, hands them to Jack

> and says, "Here you

> try on mine."

>

> So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

>

> Jill says, "Exactly. And if you don't change your

> smart ass attitude,

> you never will."

[Cocker]

Five English guys in an Audi Quattro arrive at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddy , the officer on duty. stops them and says: "It is illegal to put 5

people in a Quattro. Quattro means four"

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver retorts disbelievingly.

"Look at the papers - this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You can't pull that one on me," replies Paddy "Quattro means four.

You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the

law."

The Englishmen replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor

over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry", responds Paddy, "Murphy is busy with two guys in a Fiat

Uno."

[Tango]

This, from Sniff Petrol, made me laugh.

So much so that I made it my sig. - well until a mod tells me it's too big that is.

This looks really daft now

edit. remember children read this site. Alan75

[adopted scouser]

Everton's performance tonight. And who says ITV don't do comedy ?

[Dan Furness]

Chinese Delivery Man

>>

>> Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a

beer

>> when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is

> confronted

>>by

>> a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You

>> sign!!

>>You

>> sign!!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

>> Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the

Chinese

>> man starts to yell louder, "You sign!! You sign!!" Nelson says

to

>>him, "Look,

>> you've obviously got the wrong man," and shuts the door in his

face.

>> The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens

>> it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake

pads.

>> He thrusts

>> his clipboard under Nelson's nose yelling, "You sign!! You

sign!!"

>> Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes

the

>> little Chinese man back, shouting "Look, go away!! You've got

the

> wrong

>> man. I don't want them!!" Then he slams the door in his face

again.

>> The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the

afternoon, he

>> hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is

the

>>same

>> little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose,

shouting,

>>"You sign!!

>> You sign!!". Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car

parts.

>> This time, Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the

>> little

>>man

>> by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want

these!! Do

>> you understand? You must have the wrong name!! Who do you want

to

> give

>>

>> these to?" The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults

his

>> clipboard, and says,

>>

>> (It's a beauty)

>>

>>

>>

>> (wait for it)

>>

>>

>>

>> (Get your best Chinese accent ready)

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> "You noh Nissan Main Deala?

[Jordan]

This, from Sniff Petrol, made me laugh.

So much so that I made it my sig. - well until a mod tells me it's too big that is.

This looks really daft now 

347132[/snapback]

Or notice it contains a naughty word

[Cocker]

Subject: FW: Dear Deirdre....

This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper...

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one

of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling

marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are

prostitutes.

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence

in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other

currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of incest

with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed

is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is

limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the

possibility of opening ! our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her

knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters

would be interested in joining our team.

Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least

get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:

I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of

course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser?

[sumps]

For anyone who has recently been backpacking and is having trouble settling back in at home.

1) Replace your bed with two or more bunk beds, and every night invite random people to sleep in your bedroom with you. Ensure at least once a week a couple gets drunk and shags on one of the top bunks. Remove beds one by one as symptoms improve

2)Sleep in your sleeping bag, forgetting to wash it for months. Add some bugs in order to wake up with many unsightly bites over your arms and legs

3)Enlist the help of a family member to set your radio alarm to go off randomly during the night, filling your room with loud talking. This works best if the station is foreign. Also have several mobiles

ringing, without being answered. To add to the torture, ask a friend to bring plastic bags into your room at roughly 6 in the morning and proceed to rustle them for no apparent reason for a good half an hour.

4)Keep all your clothes in a rucksack. Remember to smell them before putting them on and reintroduce the use of the iron SLOWLY.

5)Buy your favourite food, and despite living at home, write your name and when you might next be leaving the house on all bags. This should include mainly pasta, 2 minute noodles, carrots and beer.

6)Ask a family member to every now and again steal an item of food, preferably the one you have most been looking forward to or the most expensive. Keep at least one item of food far too long or in a bag out in the sun, so you have to spend about 24 hours within sprinting distance of the toilet.

7) Even if it's a Sunday, vacate the house by 10a.m., and then stand on the corner of the street looking lost. Ask the first passer-by of similar ethnic background if they have found anywhere good to go yet.

8)When sitting on public transport (the London Tube would be ideal) introduce yourself to the person sitting next to you, say which stop you got on at, where you are going, how long you have been travelling and what university you went to. If they say they are going to Morden, say you met a guy on the central line who said it was terrible and that you've heard Parsons Green is better and cheaper.

9)Finally stick paper in your shower so that the water comes in just a drizzle. Adjust the hot/cold taps at regular intervals so that you are never fully satisfied with the temperature. Because of this

frustration, shower infrequently.

[Flopsy]

Interesting Website

This is scarily close to the bone knowing a few people from this site

Has sound and for some reason Hebrew subtitles

video might be towards the bottom of the page - dont know why

[cletus]

Q...What`s got 3 legs, lives on a farm & eats leaves??

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

..

.

..

.

.

.

.

.

A....The McCartneys!!!!

very poor!

...& very old!

[brfcshabba]

Paddy and Murphy are drunk one night and have missed the public transport home. They start the long walk home when they come up to the bus garage. 'You know what Paddy?' Murphy says 'I can't be bothered to walk all the way home, you wait here im gonna go and still a bus to get us home'.

So Paddy waits.......and waits and 15 minutes later Murphy comes back empty handed. 'what the hell where you doing Murphy?? Where is the bus?' 'well the problem was i couldn't find a 27 bus that gets us home' says Murphy. 'Murphy, your such an idiot sometimes' he says 'just steal a 36a and we'll get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way'

[Ozz]

New Orleans police have recovered the bodies of five black men from the floodwaters. police believe they may be the Drifters.

346742[/snapback]

Were they singing "Up on the roof" or "Under The Boardwalk" ?

[Cocker]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing, and concludes by saying:

"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident"

"Oh MY GOD!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible" and slumps forward, head in hands.

His staff sit there, nervously watching, stunned at this display of emotion.

Finally the President looks up and asks...

"How many is a Brazillion?"

[cletus]

^^^ brilliant!!

[Grabbi Graeme]

A funny pic from Sky News who certainly got there caption right

http://newsforums.co.uk/index.php?showtopic=1279

[American]

A guy is sitting alone at a bar drinking a beer. All of the sudden, he hears "nice haircut." He looks around, doesn't see anyone near him, goes back to his beer. Then he hears, "I like your shirt." Looks around, again, no one near him. He calls over the bartender says that he heard someone say "nice haircut" and "I like your shirt" and asks if the bartender has seen anyone, or knows who it might be.

The bartender replies, "I think it's the peanuts. They're complimentary."