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[Archived] Friday Funnies

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T4E World Cup

T4E

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Posted
Stevie Wonder vs Tiger Woods

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, 'How's the singing career going?'

Stevie replies, 'Not too bad. How's the golf?'

Woods replies, 'Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now.'

Stevie says, 'I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right.'

Tiger says, 'You play GOLF?'

Stevie says, 'Yes, I've been playing for years'.

Tiger says, 'But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?'

Stevie Wonder replies, 'Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice.'

'But, how do you putt?' asks Tiger

'Well', says Stevie, 'I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice.'

Tiger asks, 'What's your handicap?'

Stevie says, 'Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer.'

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, 'We've got to play a round sometime.'

Stevie replies, 'Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. That a problem?'

Woods thinks about it and says, ' I can afford that, OK, I'm game for that. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?'

Stevie Wonder says, 'Pick a night'

Thats so old it used to be about Ray Charles.

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1864roverite World Cup

1864roverite

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Man says to wife "Your'e the double of Cheyl Cole". She says "Do you think so?"

he says "Aye deffo. She is 8 stone and your 16 stone you fat Runt" !!

Al World Cup

Al

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Posted

SWINE FLU DEVELOPMENT

50,000 Manu supporters in Italy have a new strain. It's called Pig sick.

What is big and red and goes beep beep beep......................

Manu's open top bus reversing back into the garage.

Rover down South Premier League

Rover down South

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Newcastle United have announced that they have got a new sponsor for next season. A spokesman for 'Tampax' said, "To sponsor a bunch of fanny's going through a bad period is exactly what our company is all about!"

BREAKING NEWS: Emergency crews were called last night after reports of a huge explosion at Old Trafford. After initial suspicions that it was a terrorist attack, it was later revealed to be nothing more than just a huge bubble bursting!

Rovermatt Champions League

Rovermatt

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I got this in work and honestly let out a large guffaw.

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who This morning called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that 'old magic'.

'Wow!' I was flabbergasted.

'I don't know if I could keep pace with you now', I said, 'I'm a bit older

and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don't really have the energy I used to have.'

She just giggled and said she was sure I would 'rise to the challenge'.

'Yeah.' I said. 'Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dan e!'

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, gray haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, 'I've put on a few pounds myself!'

So I told her to 'f**k off'.

  • 2 weeks later...
Al World Cup

Al

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Posted

They've invented a morning after pill for men.

It changes your DNA.

  • 2 weeks later...
Mc Love Champions League

Mc Love

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Posted

due to the fact mj was 90% plastic, toy makers have decided to melt him down and turn him into lego blocks so children can play with him for a change

neekoy Champions League

neekoy

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Posted

If you go to his funerla, doesn't matter if you wear black or white

I actually heard he died from choking on a small bone

Aberdeen Blue Premier League

Aberdeen Blue

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Posted

Doctors investigating the cause of Jacko's death have so far ruled out the sunshine, moonlight and good times. . . They've blamed it on the boogie!

Reports that Jackson was in the Cardiac ward having a heart attack are untrue.  He was actually in the Children's ward having a stroke.

Michael Jackson has had to cancel all his upcoming dates. James 11, Toby 9, Ben 7.

Jockeys at tomorrows Newmarket meeting will wear black armbands out of respect for Jacko who successfully rode more 3 year olds than anyone in living memory.

McDonald's is bringing out a new "Michael Jackson Burger" to commemorate the stars death. 50 year old meat inside 5 year old buns.

Commenting on Jacko’s death Gary Glitter was quoted as saying “He was the Leader of the Gang”…….. Police are said to be interested in speaking to other members of the Gang.

What's the difference between Newcastle United & Michael Jackson? Nothing. They're both black & white and going under.

  • 2 weeks later...

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