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[Archived] Friday Funnies

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1864roverite World Cup

1864roverite

Posted
Posted

A man went into a urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk.

The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old fella'.

The man thought about it for a while.

The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear.

So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful.

To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his penis sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said,

'That was incredible! can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse'

colin Champions League

colin

Posted
Posted

Did you know a radioactive cat has 18 half-lives?

Which cheese would one use to entice Grizzly down from the Mountain?

Camembert.

i went to the zoo the other day.. and all i saw was a small dog.

it was a shihtzu.

That Jade Goody calendar was a right rip off - it only went up till April.

A man walked into a pub, sat at the bar and ordered a drink. The barman says to

him, "excuse me mister, but I couldn't help noticing that your head is only the size of an orange. What gives?".

So the man (who did indeed have a head the size of an orange) replies, "it's a funny story. The other day I was in the attic and found this old lamp. I gave it a bit of a polish to clean the dust off, and bugger me if a genie doesn't pop out. So this genie says to me, 'You have freed me from the lamp, for this I will grant you three wishes'.

"So what did you wish for?," says the barman.

"Well," says the man, "my first wish was that I would be instantly made a billionaire, and never want for anything again."

"Good wish."

"Thanks. My second wish was that I would be married to the most beautiful woman in the world, and that she would be perfect in every way and never get on my tits or anything."

"Another good wish," says the barman. "So what did you wish for next?".

The man looked at him and replied: "I wished that my head was the size of an orange".

What do the penguins at London Zoo get for lunch?

half an hour, the same as the lions.

What is E.T. short for?

Because he's only got little legs

Q: What do you call a chicken in a shellsuit?

A: An egg

Stephen Hawkins became ill earlier in the year... he was ok, they just switched him off and switched him back on again... he's fine.

A women has two pet monkeys and they die at exactly the same time. She takes them to the taxidermist to get them preserved.

She explains the circumstances to the taxidermist and he says "I quite understand madam, would you like them mounting?"

The women answer "Goodness no! Just holding hands!"

I went for an interview at a blacksmiths the other day. He said to me "Have you ever shoed a horse?".

"No," I replied, "but I did tell a donkey to clumsy, hit shift + 8 again!! off once"

What's the difference between Paris Hilton and a Vietnamese prostitute?

Paris Hilton isn't Vietnamese

Two parrots sitting on a perch. One says to the other, "Can you smell fish?"

How many Freudian psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two; one to change it, and the other to hold onto his penis. I mean ladder.

What has 9 arms and sucks?

Def Leppard

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a plumber".

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

Who's the coolest guy in the hospital?

The Ultrasound Guy.

Who's the second coolest guy in the hospital?

The Hip Replacement Guy.

My Misses was in the kitchen the other day boiling some eggs

"Make love to me here, now," she said.

So I did, right there on the kitchen table

"Couldn't resist some lovin?' I said.

"Nope I can't find the egg timer" she replied.

What's the hardest part of a vegatable to eat

The wheelchair

What's the difference between Michael Jackson & a carrier bag?

One's white, made out of plastic, and should not be left with young children. The other one is used to take your shopping home.

Thank you, I'm here all week

Sandiway Blue Champions League

Sandiway Blue

Posted
Posted

Paddy`s missus says to him "i want a rape alarm". So next morning he covers her mouth with gaffer tape,holds her down,f*cks her up the ar*e and whispers "it`s time to get up love!"

Mc Love Champions League

Mc Love

Posted
Posted

Q. Whats a Catholic priest & a pint of Guiness got in common?

A. black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get a

dodgy one!

  • 2 weeks later...
Dunnfc World Cup

Dunnfc

Posted
Posted

Arsene Wenger is not worried about his lack of transfers this summer as he has internal solutions 1 hour ago

Alexander Song Billong likes this

Visakri Diaby likes this

Denilson likes this

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Joleon Lescott has to go to work tomorrow : ( 13 minutes ago

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Craig Bellamy has joined the group Money is ruining football

- Benjani likes this

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Alberto Aquilani: Oh no! I've just had my new house robbed!!!

Steven Gerrard, Jerzy Dudek, John-Arne Riise, Lucas Leiva, Dirk Kuyt, Peter Crouch, Jose Reina and Daniel Agger like this

==

Sat'day random drinks n' antics LOLZ

Ledley King has been tagged

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Ashley C can't find his fone, can some1 give it a buzz for us?

==

Roque Santa Cruz is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Craig Bellamy is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Carlos Tevez is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Emmanuel Adebayor is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Robinho is looking forward to starting on Saturday

Benjani is looking forward to starting on Saturday

==

Steven Gerrard hopes his 'groin' injury clears in time for Sunday lolz

Yesterday at 20:03 · Comment · Like

Ben Foster Ditto lolz

==

Joleon Lescott became a fan of money.

Gareth Barry likes this

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Marcus Bent is hoping to start at Old Trafford - 1 hour ago

Sir Alex Ferguson Likes This.

==

Andy Goram became friends with Andy Goram

==

Jamie Redknapp is literally on facebook

==

Frank Lampard is LOLing at Stevie G - 3 hours ago 3 comments

-Steven Gerrard sod off Lamps lol

-Rio Ferdinand oi oi epic banter lads

-Steven Gerrard did he dedicate the banter to his Mum lol

==

Mike Ashley My evil plan is almost complete.

Niall Quinn & Peter Reid like this.

==

Glen Johnson is looking at new toilet seats in B&Q

==

FOOTBALLERS ON FACEBOOK

Tomas Rosicky is fit and loving life! can't wait for the new season 1 week ago

Tomas Rosicky is depressed

3 days ago

==

Samir Nasri is watching Top Gear on Dave. Cheers Abou

==

David Moyes is skint

Mark Hughes likes this

==

Didier Drogba poked Jens Lehmann 3 years ago

Jens Lehmann went down holding his face

colin Champions League

colin

Posted
Posted
What kind of phones do turtles use?

Shell phones!! :lol:

We call tham "mobile phones" here.

Nice try, but that's going to be a "tumbleweed & coyote" moment. Sorry

DanLad Uefa Europa League

DanLad

Posted
Posted
We call tham "mobile phones" here.

Nice try, but that's going to be a "tumbleweed & coyote" moment. Sorry

Yeah, but we watch US TV stuff and that, don't me?

That's gonna be a bit of a 'dandelion and hedgehog' moment there!

(I'm sorry for this crap joke!)

sloth_frattelli Premier League

sloth_frattelli

Posted
Posted

Sticking with the theme here...

Man turns up at a fancy dress party with a woman on his back and the host says "Hey, what have you come as?"

"A turtle." The man replies.

"Who's the woman on your back?" Asks the host.

"That's Michelle!"

Oldie, but a goody.

1864roverite World Cup

1864roverite

Posted
Posted

Sad reflection on our times

In a run-down part of East London recently, a fire destroyed a

dilapidated four storey house that had been divided into four flats.

A Nigerian family of six internet con artists and full time benefit

cheats lived on the first floor, and all six tragically perished in

the fire.

A group of seven Islamic welfare cheats, all illegally in the

country, lived on the second floor, and they too, all perished in

the fire.

Six Albanian, gang banger, ex-cons - all claiming political asylum

and living off the state for free occupied the 3rd floor and they

too, died.

And one middle aged British white couple lived on the top floor.

They miraculously survived the fire.

The Equal Opportunities Commission, Amnesty International, Human

Rights activists, black community leaders and the British Islamic

Council were all furious at the apparent racial inequality of the

situation. Why were just the British white couple saved? It was

monstrous they claimed, and showed that systemic 'racism' still

existed in all areas of public service - questions were raised in

the House of Commons, the popular media picked up the story and

within hours it was national and indeed international news. Boris

Johnson - Mayor of London, when questioned stated calmly that it

would be unwise to jump to conclusions until the Police and Fire

Service had completed their report. He closed by stating that he

expected their initial assessment would be available within the

next 36 hours - so perhaps it would be best to let the experts

gather the evidence and report back before he commented any

further.

The baying Press pack subsequently reported the interview

in such way as to intimate that the Mayor was indifferent to

suffering and was out of touch with the feelings of the whole East

London community!

A large motorcade of representatives from all five groups, together

with the Home Secretary drove to the area and

demanded a meeting with the local chief fire officer. They made

sure that a large pack of popular Press and TV had been briefed on

the visit and so the motorcade was met by a huge gaggle of

journalists, TV interviewers and cameras.

On camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Africans, Black

Muslims and Albanians all died in the fire and only the white

couple lived.

The chief fire officer quietly replied:-

"They were the only ones at work."

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