[Archived] Friday Funnies

[rebelmswar]

That joke went for £50 on The Antiques Roadshow last week.

But no harm done.

I know a classic isnt it?

[eddiewac]

I've decided to get a job as a cashier. . . .thats where the money is!!

I'll get my coat

[T4E]

Ring Ring...........

"Hello?"

"Tell that irritating little #### that keeps coming round my house for a sh!t to pack it in before I drown the little prick!"

"Ahh, I'v been expecting your call - you must be paul's mum......"

[unluckymorton]

Ring Ring...........

"Hello?"

"Tell that irritating little #### that keeps coming round my house for a sh!t to pack it in before I drown the little prick!"

"Ahh, I'v been expecting your call - you must be paul's mum......"

Top marks T4E!

[American]

I've decided to get a job as a cashier. . . .thats where the money is!!

I'll get my coat

I got an apartment above a bank. Now my ass sets over 50 million quid.

[67splitscreen]

thai brides - 3 women in one:-)

Spoken like a man with experience

[T4E]

I work as a postman.

The pay isn't great, but anything addressed to 'Cash 4 Gold' is a good bonus.

[Iceman]

A guy was lying on a nudist beach, when a little girl walked by. The girl asked the man what that was down there. Embarrassed, the man said its a bird in a nest sitting on its eggs waiting for it to hatch. The man, enjoying his time in the sun fell asleep. Suddenly the man woke up, in serious pain and realised that his genital was on fire. He rushed off and located a policeman, and explained what had happened. After a quick search, they located the little girl. The policeman asked the girl if she knew why the guys, penis was set on fire. "Of course said the little girl, i was playing with the little bird when it suddenly spat in my face." not wanting to laugh, the policeman asked why his penis was set alight. The girl replied, " after he spat on me, i broke his neck, kick his eggs broken and set the nest on fire"

[cletus]

Paralympics......serious sport or just a bit of armless fun?

[rebelmswar]

Paralympics......serious sport or just a bit of armless fun?

Did you hear about the bus full of paraplegics that crashed?

It took them 3 hours to cut the bus free of the wreckage.

[mellison24]

Love it -

[Presty On Tour]

Paddy is in a disco, he asks a girl "how bout abit of sex?" she replies "im on my menstrual cycle." "great" says paddy "im on my scooter, i'll follow you home".

[brian_gallagher85]

Irish Tour Guide

Good morning, tourists.

Thank you for visiting our wonderful country.

Political information has not been included in your brochures, so here

to help you understand us better is a special guided tour of Irish

politics.

Ireland is an island to the west of Britain, but Northern Ireland is

just off the mainland - not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.

(Look, if you wanted a region where politics are easier to understand,

you should have gone to the Balkans. Now pay attention.)

The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a population of a million

people, all of whom will be shopping in Newry this afternoon. They

travel to Newry because it is in the North, which is not part of Ireland.

Under the Irish constitution, the North used to be but a successful

30-year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured that it is now

definitely in the UK. Had the campaign lasted longer the North might now

be in France.

Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland.

It has a population of half a million, half of whom have houses in

Donegal. Donegal is in the north but not in the North. It is in the

South. No, not the south, the South. (Those who cannot follow this might

like to go off to the Giant's Causeway instead. You cannot miss it - it

is near a car park.)

There are two parliaments in Ireland. The Dublin parliament is called

the Dáil, an Irish word meaning a place where banks receive taxpayers'

money..

The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an Anglo-Saxon word meaning

placebo, or deliberately ineffective drug.

Their respective jurisdictions are defined by the border, an imaginary

line on the map to show fuel launderers where to dump chemical waste.

(Note for Americans tracing their ancestors - fuel launderers are

descendants of one branch of the ancient Irish tribe known as Na

Níteoirí [launderers]. They are found today mainly near the border. The

other branch of the family, money launderers, are found all over

Ireland. It was Na Níteoirí Ola who composed the ancient Irish air, "I

love the smell of freshly laundered diesel in the morning.")

Protestants are in favour of the border, which generates millions of

pounds in smuggling for Catholics, who are opposed to it..

(Note for Germans learning English - a cross-border body is an

organisation, not a Sinn Féin minister who travels frequently between

Belfast and Dublin. It should not be confused with a cross border-body

which is a grumpy person in Strabane.)

Travel between the two states is complicated because Ireland is the only

country in the world with two M1 motorways. The one in the North goes

west to avoid the south and the one in the South goes north to avoid the

price of drink.

We have two types of democracy in Ireland. Dublin democracy works by

holding a referendum and then allowing the government to judge the result.

If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held again.

Twice in recent years the government decided the people's choice was

wrong and ordered a new referendum. (Note to visitors from North Korea

- we told you that you would feel at home in Ireland.)

Belfast democracy works differently. It has a parliament with no

opposition, so the government is always right. This system generates

envy in many world capitals, especially Dublin.

Ireland has three economies - northern, southern and black. Only the

black economy is in the black. The other two are in the red.

All IRAs claim to be the real IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA.

The North's biggest industry is the production of IRAs. We now have the

Provisional, Continuity and Real IRAs.

The Real IRA is by far the most popular among young graffiti writers

because it is the easiest to spell. (Literacy levels are improving.

Department of Education inspectors report that every Catholic child at

Key Stage 2 can now spell IRA.)

So now the rest of you want to go to the Giant's Causeway as well? Fine,

but before you go, did you know that the causeway was an attempt in the

Tertiary geological period to build an interpretative centre but the

developer ran out of political connections?

Oh dear, they appear to have gone - which shows that politicians may

advocate tourism but the systems and society they have produced do

little to encourage it.

[Tom]

I know these clips are as old as Jesus but I still love them after all these years, Terry Tate office Linebacker:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RzToNo7A-94

Interesting sidenote, the Mighty Rasta who plays Tate is also The Cole Train in Gears of War

[cletus]

Sky reports that a top footballer has been jailed for 18 months for groping a young woman and breaking her nose.

What a coincidence!

So has Marlon King!

[roversmum]

Received in an email:

After being married for 44 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, "forty-four years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old girl".

"Now I have a $1,500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 69 year old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things".

My wife is a very reasonable woman, she told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10 inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crises.

[Mc Love]

Big Aussie going down road with a sheep under each arm. Meets a mate who says "G'day mate. Ya shearing?" "Nah", says the Aussie. "Gonna F@ck 'em both meself!"

[colin]

The last entry in Anne Frank's diary

" Today is my birthday. My Dad bought me a drum kit."

[Al]

I just googled 'french military victories' and clicked on the first two entries. They are brilliant!

[Presty On Tour]

A jew walks into asda, goes over 2 the checkout n pulls his cock out and says " I bet u cant roll that back!!!!

[Billy Castell]

[Anti-Dingle-Brigade]

That would be hilarious if it was real.

[T4E]

Where do people from Senegal drive?

In Dakar.

[Hannah]

Not a joke but a quiz question that we are stuck on!!!

These clues are all football clubs

Academic Angler

Torsos together

Motor Island

Locking up

Luminous Switch

Thanks

[Stuart]

I'm guessing really, Hannah, but...

Not a joke but a quiz question that we are stuck on!!!

These clues are all football clubs

Academic Angler = Don-Caster

Torsos together = Man-chest-er United?

Motor Island = Car-l-Isle?

Locking up = Bolt-on?

Luminous Switch = Bright-on?

Thanks