[Archived] Friday Funnies

[bazza]

I had a mate who was suicidal.

He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.

He was chuffed to bits.

[adopted scouser]

What has long, thick black curly hair and lips that have never been kissed ?

Susan Boyle's fanny

[cletus]

Stephen Gateley, Patrick Swayze & Jade Goodie are having a walk around heaven when suddenly Jade trips, falls forwards & jams her head in some railings. Quick as a flash, Patrick Swayze pulls hers knickers down & bangs her senseless from behind. Slapping her arse, he turns to Gately & says "your turn". Stephen starts crying.

"what`s wrong?" asks Swayze.

Stephen sobs "I don`t think my head will fit through the railings"

[Presty On Tour]

Governor Arnold Schwarzennegger was recently asked if he had upgraded to Windows 7 yet? He replied....

''No,I still love Vista, baby!''

[adopted scouser]

Governor Arnold Schwarzennegger was recently asked if he had upgraded to Windows 7 yet? He replied....

''No,I still love Vista, baby!''

That is genius

[Anti-Dingle-Brigade]

In an attempt to make Wigan more cosmopolitan the council have set up an Urdu centre in the town.

Unfortunately the locals went in asking for a short, back and sides.

[Cocker]

Letters to VIZ magazine

* Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the

exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope

that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense

of humour. Chris Scaife, Jesmond

* What's all this nonsense about that 66-year-old Romanian woman being

theworld's oldest mum? My mum's 77. Beat that.

* Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just

like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's m!nge. He

hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh? P Boddington, Ringway

* Imagine my shock at getting a letter from my doctor advising me I only

had a month to live but thankfully the letter was not for me but for my son

with the same name who lives with us. Close call, Yours

* What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved

one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some

chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and

quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their

story straight.

* I have just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can

testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

* WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses?

Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA

outbreaks in no time.

* Why is it that pubs won't serve me if I'm drunk, but McDonalds continue

serving those fat f***ers? Its hardly fair.

* Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What

about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about

galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius

* The person who coined the phrase "as different as chalk and cheese"

obviously hadn't tasted Kwik Save's cheddar.

* They say football is a game of two halves. Not for me it isn't. I

regularly down eight or nine pints whilst watching a live game on Sky TV

in my local.

* If, as Freddie Mercury claimed, fat bottomed girls make the rocking

world go round, isn't it about time that the city of Glasgow received some

recognition for its contribution to astrophysics?

* These so-called speed bumps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down

* We should remember the tremendous contribution of the Queen Mother to

the war effort: as the BBC pointed out, she "bravely remained in London

beside her husband" during the war. This contrasts sharply with the actions of

my grandfather who, on the declaration of war immediately left his wife and

children and p*ssed off, first to France , then North Africa , Italy ,

France (again) and finally Germany . The shame will always be with us.

* Like the Queen Mum, my grandfather was a frequent visitor to the East

End during the dark days of the blitz, but he was never hailed as a hero by

the people of London . That's because he flew Heinkel bombers for the

Luftwaffe.

Werner Hoffman, Munich .

* I would just like to say a big thank you to all those wonderful young

people who stand on motorway slip roads (and in any weather) holding up

boards telling us motorists where they lead to.

* Davina McCall says that dangling off a helicopter over the Grand Canyon

on a 700 foot bungee rope was the most terrifying and dangerous thing she

has ever done. She must be forgetting that she went out with Stan Collymore.

* So Sting is able to shag his wife for five hours without going off. I

know how he feels. My wife is no oil painting either.

* I heard recently that, on average, Gordon Brown receives two turds in

the post each week. What I want to know is................ who's sending the

other one?

[Cocker]

An Irish man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptising people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, 'Are you ready to find Jesus?' The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?' The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?' The drunk again answers, 'No, oi I haven't found Jesus.'

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus?'

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, 'Are you sure this is where he fell in?'

[Sandiway Blue]

Got thrown out of a pub in Cumbria last night.I only put bridge over troubled water on the jukebox! touchy buggers!

I helped out in the Salvation Army soup kitchen one day last week.They give me some right dirty looks when i said come on hurry up,some of us have got homes to go to..

I have just watched the news for deaf people.The woman doing the sign language gave up after 3 attempts at signing Cockermouth..

[adopted scouser]

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a bloke sh*gs a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl sh*gs just two blokes in a year, she's a slut.

So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a sh*tty lock.

That shut her up.

[Mc Love]

A wee Irish boy is crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"

Boy says "Me Ma is dead"

"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley?"

Wee boy replies ”No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

[adopted scouser]

For Sale : Stairlift

Unwanted Christmas Present

Call Deirdrie Barlow on 0161 2866423

[Cocker]

Subject: retired

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day my wife and I went into Blackburn and went into a shop.

We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a traffic warden writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket, so I called him a Nazi @#/?.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for taking up two parking places. So my wife called him a ######-head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windscreen with the first. Then we abused him even more and eventually he got on his radio and called a van out to tow the car away. We looked at each other as the car was clamped and lifted on to the back of the truck.

Personally, we didn't care. We came into town by bus, and the car had a "Burnley" sticker on the back window.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[Presty On Tour]

[T4E]

This joke is much like my penis.

It's not very long and you're probably going to laugh at it.

[cletus]

Why do Americans wear t-shirts all the time?

.....cos they have the right to bare arms

[S15]

Apple have pulled the plug on a proposed kids range after it emerged 'iTouch Kids' wasn't a great product name.

[Eddie]

What type of bee produces milk...

A boobee.

[Hughesy]

Pussy is like snow

Its fun to play with

you never know when its gonna come

& only some of it is clean enough to eat

[Amo]

Pussy is like snow

Its fun to play with

you never know when its gonna come

& only some of it is clean enough to eat

Speak for yourself.

[bazza]

If you receive an email from the department of health

telling you not to eat tinned pork because of swine flu

ignore it.

Because its just spam!!!!!!

[cletus]

If you recieve an email titled "SUSAN BOYLE NAKED PHOTOS" please do not open it. It contains photos of Susan Boyle naked!!!

[Presty On Tour]

[T4E]

love that Presty.

[Grabbi Graeme]

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle

on the sand and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle

and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

Osama responded," You ignorant, unworthy daughter-of -a-dog! Don't you

know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."

The shocked genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned

to that bottle forever."

Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the

woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women

in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you.

"The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.

The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya

Harding, and Nancy Pelosi at his side. His penis was gone, his knees

were broken, and he had no health insurance. God is good!!!