[Archived] Friday Funnies

[T4E]

What should you do if your girlfriend wont f**k like a rabbit?

Thumper.

[Blue n White Rover]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,

between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending

the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub

with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only

be in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time

I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[cletus]

I got thrown out of my Biology class the other day.

The lesson in question was focusing on cells.

The teacher asked me "Name two things you find in cells?"

I guess "Blacks & scousers" wasn`t the answer he was looking for,

[rebelmswar]

Last night my wife was standing nude in front of a mirror. She said, “I’m fat, old, and ugly. I need you to pay me a compliment.”

I said “Your eyesight is damn near perfect.”

Got into a carwreck the other day, as I was shaking my head to clear it, I saw the driver of ther other car was a dwarf. He came running up to the smashed window and yelled "I am not happy!" I looked at him and asked "Well which one are you then?"

[bazza]

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer. The lawyer said, 'How can

I help you?' The farmer said, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?' The farmer said, 'Yes, I got 40 acres'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?

The farmer said, 'Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?' The farmer said,

'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?' The farmer said,'Yes, I got a grudge,

that's where I parks the John Deere'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?' The farmer said,

'No, we both get up at 4:30.'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question .The lawyer said,

'Is your wife a nagger?' The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child

was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

[Sandiway Blue]

Fabio Capello phones Wayne Bridge:"i`ve just spoke to John Terry - he`s lost the captains armband...........do me a favour and look under your bed for me"

Manchester City`s Robinho has just been named the worst Brazillian since David Blunkett shaved his wife`s fanny!

Wayne Bridge sent his missus a replica of his cock made from cadbury`s chocolate....she gave it him back and said she prefers Terrys.

[mellison24]

So JT has been sleeping with Wayne's missus? Poor Wayne....not even first choice in the sack!

[Presty On Tour]

Sky Sports has learned that the England players and staff have unanimously voted for John Terry to remain in the England Squad for the World Cup.

With a ban on WAGs at the tournament nobody wants him to be left at home

[JackDaniel]

What have Wayne Bridge's missus and a Russian goalpost have in common?

They have both been banged by John Terry.

[colin]

Ashley Cole's drining ban has been overturned. He was done for 95mph in a 50 mph limuit.

He told the magistrate that he'd heard John Terry was coming round for tea

[brian_gallagher85]

Fabio Capello phones Wayne Bridge:"i`ve just spoke to John Terry - he`s lost the captains armband...........do me a favour and look under your bed for me"

Apparently Bridge didn't find the armband....but did discover half the England squad!

[Ozz]

What do you call a man with burnt genitals?

Chris Peacock.

[T4E]

Ashley Cole's drining ban has been overturned. He was done for 95mph in a 50 mph limuit.

He told the magistrate that he'd heard John Terry was coming round for tea

Excellent

[mellison24]

An Religious Studies teacher at a Burnley adult education centre is talking about the supernatural. Getting a feel for his class, he asks "How many of you believe in ghosts?" About 80 of the class raise their hands.

"That's a good start I suppose. Those of you who believe in ghosts, how many have actually seen a ghost?" About 30 of the class raise their hands.

"That's good. I'm really glad you're taking this seriously. Ok, has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" About 12 of the class raise their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" Two raised their hands. "That's fantastic. But let me ask you one last question... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One man in the back raises his hand. The teacher is astonished. He removes his glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Sir, in all the years I've talked about this, no one has ever actually claimed to have slept with a ghost. Why don't you come up here and tell us about it."

The man replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. The teacher says, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."

The man replies, "Ghost? Oh... I thought you said 'goats'!"

[cletus]

Funniest thing i`ve seen in ages was a Lancashire Telegraph 'A board' outside a papershop in Blackburn. It simply said....DIOUF-"ROVERS CAN QUALIFY FOR EUROPE"

They`ll print any old sh1te won`t they!

[Sandiway Blue]

Funniest thing i`ve seen in ages was a Lancashire Telegraph 'A board' outside a papershop in Blackburn. It simply said....DIOUF-"ROVERS CAN QUALIFY FOR EUROPE"

They`ll print any old sh1te won`t they!

Not as funny as todays telewag board saying that Burnley is the burglary capital of England,i mean come on,as if there is anything worth nicking in Burnley....

[cletus]

Not as funny as todays telewag board saying that Burnley is the burglary capital of England,i mean come on,as if there is anything worth nicking in Burnley....

Did you hear about the break-in at Turd Morgue the other week?

The thieves managed to empty the trophy room. Police are looking for somebody with a Claret carpet

(an old one, but "meh!")

[RoversFanUSA]

^^LOL^^

[Presty On Tour]

[bazza]

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving

milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite

cheaply.They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful,

produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so

they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever

the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move

away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed..

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who

was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his

advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.

If he approaches from the back, she moves forward," they said

,"When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.

If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the

other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this

before asking,

"Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned

that they had brought the cow over from Wales .

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said.

"How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,

"My wife is from Wales "

[colin]

Ashley Cole has sucessfully appealed against his speeding conviction. He was doing 85 in a 50m mph limit

He told the Magistrate that he was late & that John Terry was coming over for tea

[T4E]

Suffering some short term memory loss in your old age Col?!

[Sandiway Blue]

Chaos reigns in the winter olympics.After the death in the luge event,the Irish bob sled team are now refusing to compete until the course has been gritted first...

[colin]

Suffering some short term memory loss in your old age Col?!

Looks like it. I can't remember what I had for tea last night but I know who Annie Aston is.

You'll get there eventually.

Yours in senilty

[cletus]

The proposed tv series 'CSI Burnley' has been axed after producers found nobody in the town had enough teeth to warrant dental records & everybody shared the same DNA!!