[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Ozz]

What do you call a man who drinks heavily before sex?

Drew Peacock.

[Jim J]

Doesn't he have a brother who doesn't wash.....Chris Peacock

[Ozz]

Doesn't he have a brother who doesn't wash.....Chris Peacock

What do you call a man with burnt genitals?

Chris Peacock.

[mellison24]

[bazza]

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland.

Recently a routine police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy

[bazza]

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. 'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didnt even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say 'Crikey! Theres a bloke here who was 152!'

Paddy says 'Whats his name?'

Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

[philipl]

A Catholic priest and a nun were taking a rare afternoon off

and enjoying a round of golf.

The priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing.

He missed the ball entirely and said "######, I missed."

The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again. "######, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to play with you if you keep swearing,"

the nun said tartly..

The priest promised to do better and the round continued.

On the 4th tee, he misses again. The usual comment followed.

Sister is really mad now and says, "Father John, God is going to

strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father John swings and misses again.

"######, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes

out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice ......

"######, I missed."

[grizfoot]

Various "altered' Tory campaign posters.

continued...

[Ozz]

Blimey-Woodys Angling Centre is still open!

[cletus]

Various "altered' Tory campaign posters.

Quality! :tut:

The one next to Blackburn train station had cameron with a hitler tash

[mellison24]

I don't like italians with their slanty eyes......wait....sorry, italics.

[Ozz]

Where does the singer of Scritti Politti go if he's unwell when in Cheshire?

[Tom]

This made me chuckle. The papperazi caught Hilary Duff's boyfiend proposing to her and her response is just about perfect

Diamonds, she'll pretty much have to!

[JackDaniel]

Little Billy was doing badly at school, so his mum and dad decide to send him to catholic school. After 2 months he starts getting top marks in every subject, his mum asks "Why are you doing so well?" billy replies "the first day i walked into school and saw that poor bugger nailed to that cross, i knew they didn't f*** around.

[Ozz]

Heald Green.

[adopted scouser]

Heald Green.

Aww F**k Off

[Ozz]

You love it.

[Ozz]

Anyway, this explains where Mellisons been this weekend.

[Sandiway Blue]

old man walks down stairs, wife says you have your underwear wrong side out. The man says how can you tell. The lady replies the sh*t's on the outside

[bazza]

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Welshman, a lesbian, a talking dog and a dwarf walk into a pub.

The barman says,"Is this some kind of joke?"

[Presty On Tour]

[Sandiway Blue]

Just moved to a new house in a rough area.Myra Hindley is the Avon lady,Fred West is the gardener,Louise Woodward is the childminder,Harold Shipman is the GP,Gary glitter runs the playgroup,the McCanns run the holiday club and Michael Jackson runs the local zoo and theme park! Also Adolf Hitler is the leader of the local muticultural community.

But most worringly of all Brian Laws is running the local football club...

[Sandiway Blue]

Prostitute,new to the game was told by her pimp "no sex for the first 7 days,just wa*ks".She asks "why only wa*ks?",pimp says "union rules,you gotta work a week in hand".

Paddy goes to his building site job with a brand new thermos flask.All his mates are curious and ask him what it does.Paddy replies,"it keeps hot things hot and cold things cold" his mates were amazed and ask him what he`s got in it.Paddy replies "3 cups of coffee and a choc-ice".

[T4E]

Cheryl Cole went from being 'In A Relationship' to 'Single'.

John Terry likes this.

[Presty On Tour]

Anyone been here?

A tiny village in Austria, populated by only 93 people are having problems keeping their sign as tourists are stealing them as souvenirs. The article below explains in further detail:

Under the land mark sign, the warning sign translates "please, not so fast".

I've also found these other places

Dildo, town in Canada

Climax, 9 towns in America, 1 Canadian

W-a-n-k, small village in Germany

Condom, town in France

Puke, town in Albania

Beaver Lick, town in Kentucky

Intercourse, town in Pennsylvania

Sexmoan, Philippines

Geography lesson over!