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[Archived] Friday Funnies

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colin Champions League

colin

Posted
Posted

You are in a room with a Manchester United fan, an Aston Villa fan and an Everton fan.

You have gun with two bullets in it. Which two do you shoot?

The United fan. Twice.

(this joke is available for recycling and rearranging according to taste. Thank you)

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cletus Champions League

cletus

Posted
Posted

For those of you who missed todays episode of of 'Lambing Live' on BBC1 with Kate Humble, you can catch the best bits on (wait for it).....ewe tube!!! :rolleyes:

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DeadlyDirk Champions League

DeadlyDirk

Posted
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I can't believe how much ground this thread has made. I've saw it posted in the only 2 other forums I use, both of which times I ignored because I couldn't be bothered to read the 12 page thread (Yes I'm lazy) but I thought third time's the charm. It's cracking me up and I'm only halfway throough, I thought this guy had to be on a windup but seems he just had a very dumb moment, or dumb few days, he actually seems relatively sensible in his other posts to have made such a mistake. Classic stuff!

###### myself at the commment that called him 'an absolute weapon', haven't heard that one in ages! Must remember that.

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American Champions League

American

Posted
Posted

This guy walks into a bar in Ireland and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You aren't from around here, are ya... where ya from, son?"

The guy says, "I'm from England."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in England?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

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Grabbi Graeme Uefa Europa League

Grabbi Graeme

Posted
Posted

sounds like Tommy Cooper that mate....corn.

Here's some Cooperisms

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back. 'The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'

The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'.

A man walked into the doctor's, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several places'.

The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'.

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for 'flu.

So I went, and I got it.'

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day.

Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

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T4E World Cup

T4E

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Me and the wife had a huge row last night - she called me "gullible" and "financially irresponsible".

I cant wait to see her face when I tell her I've just won the Nigerian Lottery.

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eddiewac Premier League

eddiewac

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I went to the bank the other day to withdraw some cash. When I got to the cash machine there was a guy just standing there on one leg. I waited and waited and eventually said "what the hell are you doing?" He replied, "checking my balance."

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cletus Champions League

cletus

Posted
Posted

This little football song made me smile.....

"5 alsatians walking down the street,

5 alsatians walking down the street,

and if Park Ji Sung would like a bite to eat,

there'd be 4 alsatians walking down the street. "

:lol::lol::lol:

(found it on Sickiepedia)

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jodrell

jodrell

Posted
Posted

Diego Cavalieri the worst Brazilian since David Blunkett shaved his wife

Rafael Benitez, flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play football.

He is impressed and arranges for him to come to Anfield.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Manchester United with only 20 minutes left to play. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool.

The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

“Hello mum, guess what?” he says “I played for 20 minutes today, and we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won! Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me!”

“Wonderful,” says his mum, “Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed; your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten; your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you were having such a great time playing football!”

The young lad is very upset. “What can I say mum, but I am so sorry.”

“Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' shrieks his mum, "It's your bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place.”

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Sandiway Blue Champions League

Sandiway Blue

Posted
Posted

It was the night of March the 31st and as little Brian the Burnley fan gets tucked up in bed,his mum says "if you pray really hard tonight,tomorrow you will be a Rovers fan".So little Brian prays like he has never prayed before and falls asleep.Morning comes and little Brian is still a Burnley fan,"Mummy,Mummy" he cries "i prayed really hard last night but i`m still a horrible Burnley fan".His mum gently pats him on the head "i know son......April fool you little F**kin` inbred B*tard!" Now get back in that bath wit` your lil` sister"

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