[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Cocker]

  American said:

A guy is sitting alone at a bar drinking a beer. All of the sudden, he hears "nice haircut." He looks around, doesn't see anyone near him, goes back to his beer. Then he hears, "I like your shirt." Looks around, again, no one near him. He calls over the bartender says that he heard someone say "nice haircut" and "I like your shirt" and asks if the bartender has seen anyone, or knows who it might be.

The bartender replies, "I think it's the peanuts. They're complimentary."

350894[/snapback]

I havent groaned at a joke in a while American - Cheers

[Dan Furness]

LAST WEEK WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I DIDN'T FEEL VERY WELL WAKING UP THAT

MORNING. I WENT DOWNSTAIRS FOR BREAKFAST HOPING MY WIFE WOULD BE PLEASANT

AND SAY, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!", AND POSSIBLY HAVE A PRESENT FOR ME.

AS IT TURNED OUT, SHE BARELY SAID GOOD MORNING, LET ALONE "HAPPY BIRTHDAY."

I THOUGHT... WELL, THAT'S MARRIAGE FOR YOU, BUT THE KIDS WILL REMEMBER.MY

KIDS CAME INTO BREAKFAST AND DIDN'T SAY A WORD.

SO WHEN I LEFT FOR THE OFFICE, I WAS FEELING PRETTY LOW AND SOMEWHAT

DESPONDENT. AS I WALKED INTO MY OFFICE, MY SECRETARY JANE SAID, "GOOD

MORNING, BOSS, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" IT FELT A LITTLE BETTER THAT AT LEAST

SOMEONE HAD REMEMBERED.

I WORKED UNTIL ONE O'CLOCK AND THEN JANE KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SAID, "YOU

KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL DAY OUTSIDE, AND IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, LET'S GO

OUT TO LUNCH, JUST YOU AND ME."I SAID, "THANKS JANE, THAT'S THE GREATEST

THING I'VE HEARD ALL DAY. LET'S GO!"

WE WENT TO LUNCH.BUT WE DIDN'T GO WHERE WE NORMALLY WOULD GO. WE DINED

INSTEAD AT A LITTLE PLACE WITH A PRIVATE TABLE. WE HAD TWO MARTINIS

EACHAND I ENJOYED THE MEAL TREMENDOUSLY .

ON THE WAY BACK TO THE OFFICE, JANE SAID, "YOU KNOW, IT'S SUCH A BEAUTIFUL

DAY... WE DON'T NEED TO GO BACK TO THE OFFICE, DO WE?" I RESPONDED, "I

GUESS NOT. WHAT DO YOU HAVE IN MIND?" SHE SAID, "LET'S GO TO MY

APARTMENT."

AFTER ARRIVING AT HER APARTMENT JANE TURNED TO ME AND SAID, "BOSS, IF YOU

DON'T MIND, I'M GOING TO STEP INTO THE BEDROOM FOR A MOMENT. I'LL BE RIGHT

BACK.""OK." I NERVOUSLY REPLIED.

SHE WENT INTO THE BEDROOM AND, AFTER A COUPLE OF MINUTES, SHE CAME OUT

CARRYING A HUGE BIRTHDAY CAKE...FOLLOWED BY MY WIFE, KIDS, AND DOZENS OF MY

FRIENDS AND CO-WORKERS, ALL SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY".AND I JUST SAT

THERE...ON THE COUCH...NAKED

[roversWASmylife]

Kate Moss bumps into Jeremy Clarkson on a night out. So she said, "What do you do"?

Jeremy says, "I do Top Gear".

"we don't like that word, please don't use it great", says Kate, " I'll have 4 grams please..."

[Bing]

An alleged prank call to Gary Neville. I'm skeptical but its pretty funny...

http://media.putfile.com/THEGARYNEVILLECONVERSATION

- contains a few naughty words too.

[Cocker]

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my LOVE dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"LOVE dress? But you're naked!"

"My husband LOVES me to wear this dress," she explained.

"It excites him no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home.

He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my LOVE dress," she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"

[colin]

Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only

broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He froze to the spot, he couldn' t believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.

Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.

BUMP........

BUMP........

BUMP........

He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........

BUMP........BUMP......

BUMP........BUMP..

BUMP........BUMP......

The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...

He started to sprint, but so did the coffin .......

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.....

BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.

Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...

The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom cabinet......

He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came .......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it .....still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...

He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it ......still it came......

BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...

He grabbed some Benelyn cough mixture and threw it........

The coffin stopped.

[colin]

Manchester City's Kiki Musampha's, younger brother Kris has gone on trial at Burnley

[colin]

Subject: The NHS

Actual writing on hospital charts.

Enjoy!

1. The patient refused autopsy

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital

4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days

5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night

6. Patients has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year

7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had disappeared

8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed

9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993

10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission

11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch

13. She is numb from her toes down

14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home

15. The skin was moist and dry

16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches

17. Patient was alert and unresponsive

18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid

19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce

20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy

21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation

22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized

23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function

24. Skin: somewhat pale, but present

25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor

26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall

27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

28. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room

29. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his aeroplane ran out of gas and crashed

30. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant

31. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December

32. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree

33. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead

34. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, an he was feeling better

[Billy Castell]

Not a joke, but an amusing little story I saw.

Who'd of thought it ?.

Nope, I won't repeat the Stalinist joke again, you're safe.

[adopted scouser]

Another One !

http://www.radioireland.ie/audio/giftjose2.wma

[Shaddy]

  adopted scouser said:

Another One !

http://www.radioireland.ie/audio/giftjose2.wma

 

352810[/snapback]

These are so brilliant. I can't wait for the next installment.

[colin]

I know that this isn't really logical, but what the heck.....

An interview with David Beckham:

David, it's been reported that the boots you wear are make from kangaroo skin, is this true?

Yeah, I fink they are you know.

Do you realise that this is causing a lot of concern to vegetarians?

I didn't know that, I'll wear somfink else. I don't want to upset anyone who was born in Vegetaria.

AS - brilliant

[Cheshireblue]

In a recent survey of 1000 scousers, they were asked if they thought the UK should adopt a new currency.

98% said that we should not and that they were perfectly happy with the Giro.

[Cheshireblue]

And this one is in bad taste, so please don't read if you are easily offended:

London police are in trouble again. Today they shot a number of thalidomide Iranian immigrants. A spokesman said they were suspected of bringing small arms into the country...

We'll see how long it takes that one to get deleted!

[Friarsnig]

A lorry driver breaks down on the M6 with a cargo of live monkeys on board, bound for Chester Zoo.

They need to be delivered by 9am and the driver fears he will get the sack if they don't get there on time.

He decides to try and thumb a lift for his monkeys, and eventually an Irish lorry driver pulls over.

"Where are they going?" asks the Irish trucker.

"Chester Zoo, mate. Do us a favour and take them there for me will you" says the driver. "Here's a hundred quid for your trouble".

The Irishman cheerfully agrees, they load the monkeys on to his truck, and away he goes.

The lorry driver sets about fixing his wagon, and is there for a good few hours when he notices the Irish fella coming back down the motorway still with all the chimps on board.

Panicking, he flags him down again.

"What are you playing at?" he fumes. "I told you to take them to Chester Zoo!"

"I did!" says the bemused Paddy, "but there's fifty quid left, so now were off to Alton Towers"

[MIROVER]

You might have seen this before, but still funny!

How many times have you woken up in the morning

after a hard night drinking and thought 'How on earth

did I get home?' As hard as you try, you cannot

piece together your return journey from the pub to

your house. The answer to this puzzle is that you

used a Beer Scooter.

The Beer Scooter is a mythical form of transport,

owned and leased to the drunk by Bacchus the

Roman God of Wine. Bacchus has acquired a large

batch of these magical devices. The Beer Scooter

works in the following fashion:-

The passenger reaches a certain level of drunkenness

and the 'slurring gland' begins to give off a

pheromone. Bacchus or one of his many

sub-contractors detects this pheromone and sends

down a winged Beer Scooter.

The scooter scoops up the passenger and deposits

them in their bedroom via a Trans-Dimensional

Portal. This is not cheap to run, so a large portion of

the passenger's in-pocket cash is taken as payment.

This answers the second question after a night out,

'How did I spend so much money?'

Unfortunately, Beer Scooters have a poor safety

record and are thought to be responsible for over

90% of all UDI (Unidentified Drinking Injuries), such

as skinned knees and a sore spot on the top of your

head.

An undocumented feature of the Beer Scooter is the

destruction of time segments during the trip. The

nature of Trans-Dimensional Portals dictates that

time will be lost, seemingly unaccounted for. This

answers a third question after a night out 'What the

hell happened?'

With good intentions, Bacchus opted for the REMIT

(Removal of Embarrassing Moments In Time)

add-on that automatically removes, in descending

order, those parts in time regretted most.

Unfortunately, one person's REMIT is not

necessarily the REMIT of another's and quite often

lost time is regained in discussions over a period of

time.

Independent studies have also shown that Beer

Goggles often cause the Scooter's navigation system

to malfunction thus sending passengers to the wrong

bedroom - often with horrific consequences.

For the family man, Beer Scooters come equipped

with flowers picked from other people's garden and

Thump-A-Lot boots (Patent Pending). These boots

are designed in such a way that no matter how

quietly you tip-toe up the stairs, you are sure to

wake up your other half. Special anti-gravity springs

ensure that you bump into every wall in the house

and the CTSGS (Coffee Table Seeking Guidance

System) explains the bruised shins.

The final add-on Bacchus saw fit to invest in for

some Scooters is the TA (Tobacco Absorption

System). This explains how one person can

apparently get through 260 Marlboro Lights in a

single night.

P.S. Don't forget the on-board heater, which allows

you to comfortably get home from the pub in

sub-zero temperatures, wearing just a T-shirt!

[RoverinBath]

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford another bed.

So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive.

A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can to his ear and count to 10.

The scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the scouser went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count, "1,2,3,4,5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Burnley and anywhere in Wales.

[adopted scouser]

Last night I dreamt that I had written The Lord of the Rings, but when I woke up I realised I was just Tolkien in my sleep.

[Grabbi Graeme]

All the stadium annoucements for England matches in the 2006 World Cup will be done by David Beckham.

A spokesman said" We hear David comes over the PA very well"

[Grabbi Graeme]

A film producer was discussing his idea for a new action movie with Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

The movie is going to be about great composers and the producer asks each actor which composer they would like to play.

Willis says "I would like to be Mozart"

Stallone says" I will be Chopin"

and Arnie says " I'll be Bach"

[Cocker]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the

admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven,

you had to have a really bad day when you died. The policy would go into

effect at noon the next day.

The next day at 12:01, the first person came to the gates of Heaven. The

Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly said to the man,

"Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when

you died."

"No problem," the man said. "I came home to my 25th floor apartment on

my lunch hour and caught my wife half naked. She appeared to be having

an affair, but her lover was nowhere in sight. I immediately began

searching for him. My wife was yelling at me as I searched the entire

apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto

the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his

fingertips! The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and

stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn't you

know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he

didn't die. This ***ed me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside

to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly

enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged

it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It

plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was

so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a

bad day. It was a crime of passion. So,the Angel announced, "Ok, sir.

Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. The Angel said, "Before I can

let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died."

"No problem," said the second man. "But you're not going to believe

this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily

exercises. Having been under a lot of pressure I was really pushing hard

to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and

accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by

the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy

man comes running out of his apartment, started cussing, and stomps on

my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the

bottom which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying

there face up on the ground, unable to move, and in excruciating pain, I

see this guy push his refrigerator, of all things, off the balcony. It

falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly."

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.

"I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very

well," the Angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he

lets the man enter.

A few seconds later, a third man comes up to the gate. The angel says,"

Please tell me how you died." The third man says,"Ok, picture this. I'm

naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[Flopsy]

Im sorry

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment,

it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which

almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Kokey," died peacefully at age 93.

The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.

They put his left leg in.

And then the trouble started.

sorry again

[Cheshireblue]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

[Cheshireblue]

First one:

Why does Ronaldo cry during sex?

Mace does that to you......

[adopted scouser]

Hear about the plumber who wanted a divorce?

He called his wife and said "It's over flo"